hard cash-第36章

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〃Ay；　the　cause。　Just　obsairve；　jintlemen；〃　said　Sampson；　addressing　imaginary　students；　〃how　startled　they　all　are　if　a　docker　deviates　from　profissional　habits　into　sceince；　and　takes　the　right　eend　of　the　stick　for　once　b'　asking　for　the　cause。〃

〃The　cause　was　the　will　of　God；　I　do　suppose；〃　said　Mrs。　Maxley。

〃Stuff！〃　shouted　Sampson　angrily。　〃Then　why　come　to　mortal　me　to　cure　you？〃

Alfred　put　in　his　oar。　〃He　does　not　mean　the　'final　cause；'　he　means　the　'proximate　cause。

〃My　poor　dear　creature；　I　bain't　no　Latiner；〃　objected　the　patient。

Sampson　fixed　his　eyes　sternly　on　the　slippery　dame。　〃What　I　want　to　know　is；　had　you　been　running　up…stairs？　or　eating　fast？　or　drinking　fast？　or　grizzling　over　twopence？　or　quarrelling　with　your　husband！　Come　now；　which　was　it？〃

〃Me　quarrel　with　my　man！　We　haven't　never　been　disagreeable；　not　once；　since　we　went　to　church　a　pair　and　came　back　a　couple。　I　don't　say　but　what　we　mayn't　have　had　a　word　or　two　at　odd　times；　as　married　folk　will。〃

〃And　the　last　time　you　had　a　word　or　twoy'　infairnal　quibblerwas　it　just　before　your　last　spasm；　eh？〃

〃Well；　it　might；　I　am　not　gainsaying　that：　but　you　said　quarrel；　says　you。　'Quarrel'　it　were　your　word；　and　I　defy　all　Barkton；　gentle　and　simple；　to　say　as　how　me　and　my　master〃

〃Whisht！　whisht！　Now；　jintlemen；　ye　see　what　the　great　coming　sceincethe　sceince　of　Healinghas　to　contind　with。　The　dox　are　all　fools；　but　one：　and　the　pashints　are　lyres；　ivery　man　Jack。　N'　listen　me；　y'　have　got　a　disease　that　you　can't　eradicate；　but　you　may　muzzle　it　for　years；　and　die　of　something　quite　different　when　your　time's　up。〃

〃Like　enough；　sir。　If　_you_　please；　ma'am；　Dr。　Stephenson　do　blame　my　indigestion　for　it。〃

〃Dr。　Stephenson's　an　ass。〃

〃Dear　heart；　how　cantankerous　you　be。　To　be　sure　Dr。　Osmond　he　says　no：　it's　muscular；　says　he。〃

〃Dr。　Osmond's　an　ijjit。　List　me；　You　mustn't　grizzle　about　money；　you　mustn't　gobble；　nor　drink　your　beer　too　fast。〃

〃You　are　wrong；　doctor；　I　never　drink　no　beer：　it　costs〃

〃Your　catlap；　then。　And　above　all；　no　grizzling！　Go　to　church　whenever　you　can　without　losing　a　farthing。　It's　medicinal；　soothes　the　brain；　and　takes　it　off　worldly　cares。　And　have　no　words　with　your　husband；　or　he'll　outlive　you；　it's　his　only　chance　of　getting　the　last　word。　Care　killed　a　cat；　a　nanimal　with　eight　lives　more　than　a　chatterbox。　If　you　worry　or　excite　your　brain；　little　Maxley；　you　will　cook　your　own　gooseby　a　quick　fire。〃

〃Dear　heart；　these　be　unked　sayings。　Won't　ye　give　me　nothing　to　make　me　better；　sir？〃

〃No；　I　never　tinker；　I　go　to　the　root：　you　may　buy　a　vile　of　chlorofm　and　take　a　puff　if　you　feel　premonory　symps：　but　a　quiet　brain　is　your　only　real　chance。　Now　slope；　and　send　the　male　screw。〃

〃Anan？〃

〃Your　husband。〃

〃That　I　will；　sir。　Your　sarvant；　doctor；　your　sarvant；　ma'am；　sarvant；　all　the　company。

Mrs。　Dodd　hoped　the　poor　woman　had　nothing　very　serious　the　matter。

〃Oh；　it　is　a　mortal　disease；〃　replied　Sampson；　as　cool　as　a　cucumber。　〃She　has　got　angina　pictoris　or　brist…pang；　a　disorder　that　admirably　eximplifies　the　pretinsions　of　midicine　t'　seeince。〃　And　with　this　he　dashed　into　monologue。

Maxley's　tall　gaunt　form　came　slouching　in；　and　traversed　the　floor；　pounding　it　with　heavy　nailed　boots。　He　seated　himself　gravely　at　Mrs。　Dodd's　invitation；　took　a　handkerchief　out　of　his　hat；　wiped　his　face；　and　surveyed　the　company；　grand　and　calm。　In　James　Maxley　all　was　ponderous：　his　head　was　huge；　his　mouth；　when　it　fairly　opened；　revealed　a　chasm；　and　thence　issued　a　voice　naturally　stentorian　by　its　volume　and　native　vigour；　but；　when　the　owner　of　this　incarnate　bassoon　had　a　mind　to　say　something　sagacious；　he　sank　at　once　from　his　habitual　roar　to　a　sound　scarce　above　a　whisper；　a　contrast　mighty　comical　to　hear；　though　on　paper　_nil。_

〃Well；　what　is　it　Maxley！　Rheumatism　again？〃

〃No；　that　it　ain't；〃　bellowed　Maxley　defiantly。

〃What　then？　Come；　look　sharp。〃

〃Well；　then；　doctor；　I'll　tell　you。　I'm　sore　troubledwithamouse。〃

This　malady；　announced　in　the　tone　of　a　proclamation；　and　coming　after　so　much　solemn　preparation；　amused　the　party　considerably；　although　parturient　mountains　had　ere　then　produced　muscipular　abortions。

〃A　mouse！〃　inquired　Sampson　disdainfully。　〃Where？　Up　your　sleeve？　Don't　come　to　me：　go　t'　a　sawbones　and　have　your　arm　cut　off。　I've　seen　'em　mutilate　a　pashint　for　as　little。〃

Maxley　said　it　was　not　up　his　sleeve；　worse　luck。

On　this　Alfred　hazarded　a　conjecture。　〃Might　it　not　have　gone　down　his　throat？　Took　his　potato…trap　for　the　pantry…door。　Ha！　ha！〃

〃Ay；　I　hear　ye；　young　man；　a…laughing　at　your　own　sport；〃　said　Maxley；　winking　his　eye；　〃but　'tain't　the　biggest　mouth　as　catches　the　most。　You　sits　yander　fit　to　bust；　but　（with　a　roar　like　a　lion）　ye　never　offers　_me_　none　on't；　neither　sup　nor　bit。〃

At　this　sudden　turn　of　Mr。　Maxley's　wit；　light　and　playful　as　a　tap　of　the　old　English　quarter…staff；　they　were　a　little　staggered；　all　but　Edward；　who　laughed　and　supplied　him　zealously　with　sandwiches。

〃You're　a　gentleman；　you　are；〃　said　Maxley；　looking　full　at　Sampson　and　Alfred　to　point　the　contradistinction。

Having　thus　disposed　of　his　satirists；　he　contemplated　the　sandwiches　with　an　inquiring　and　philosophic　eye。　〃Well；〃　said　he；　after　long　and　thoughtful　inspection；　〃you　gentlefoiks　won't　die　of　hard　work；　your　sarvants　must　cut　the　very　meat　to　fit　your　mouths。〃　And　not　to　fall　behind　the　gentry　in　a　great　and　useful　department　of　intelligence；　he　made　precisely　one　mouthful　of　each　sandwich。

Mrs。　Dodd　was　secretly　amazed；　and；　taking　care　not　to　be　noticed　by　Maxley；　said　confidentially；　_〃Monsieur　avait　bien　raison；　le　souris　a　passe：　par　la。_〃

The　plate　cleared；　and　washed　down　with　a　tumbler　of　port；　Maxley　resumed；　and　informed　the　doctor　that　the　mouse　was　at　this　moment　in　his　garden　eating　his　bulbs。　〃And　I　be　come　here　to　put　an　end　to　her；　if　I've　any　luck　at　all。〃

Sampson　told　him　he　needn't　trouble。　〃Nature　has　put　an　end　to　her　as　long　as　her　body。〃

Mr。　Maxley　was　puzzled　for　a　moment；　then　opened　his　mouth　from　ear　to　ear　in　a　guffaw　that　made　the　glasses　ring。　His　humour　was　perverse。　He　was　wit…proof　and　fun…proof；　but　at　a　feeble　jest　would　sometimes　roar　like　a　lion　inflated　with　laughing…gas。　Laughed　he　ever　so　loud　and　long；　he　always　ended　abruptly　and　without　gradationhis　laugh　was　a　clean　spadeful　dug　out　of　Merriment。　He　resumed　his　gravity　and　his　theme　all　in　an　instant。　〃White　arsenic　she　won't　look　at　for　I've　tried　her；　but　they　tell　me　there's　another　sweetmeat　come　up；　which　they　call　it　striek　nine〃

〃Hets！　let　the　poor　beasty　alone。　Life's　as　sweet　tit　as　tus。〃

〃If　_you_　was　a　gardener；　you'd　feel　for　the　bulbs；　not　for　the　varmin；〃　remonstrated　Maxley　rather　arrogantly。

〃But　bein'　a　man　of　sceince；　I　feel　for　th'　higher　organisation。　Mice　are　a　part　of　Nature；　as　much　as　market…gardeners。〃

〃So　be　stoats；　and　adders；　and　doctors。〃

Sampson　appealed：　〃Jintlemen；　here's　a　pretty　pashint：　reflects　on　our　lairned　profission；　and　it　never　cost　him　a　guinea；　for　the　dog　never　pays。〃

〃Don't　let　my　chaff　choke　ye；　doctor。　That　warn't　meant　for　_you_　altogether。　So　if　you　_have_　got　a　little　bit　of　that　'ere　about　you〃

〃I'm　not　a　ratcatcher；　my　man：　I　don't　go　with　dith　in　my　pocket；　like　the　surgeons　that　carry　a　lancet。　And　if　I　had　Murder　in　both　pockets；　you　shouldn't　get　any。　Here's　a　greedy　dog！　got　a　thousand　pounds　in　the　bank；　and　grudges　his　healer　a　guinea；　and　his　mouse　a　stand…up　bite。〃

〃Now；　who　have　been　a　telling　you　lies？〃　inquired　Maxley　severely。　〃My　missus；　for　a　farthing。　I'm　not　a　thousand…pound　man；　I'm　a　nine…hundred…pound　man；　and　it's　all　safe　at　Hardie's。〃　Here　he　went　from　his　roar　to　his　whisper；　〃I　don't　hold　with　Lunnon　banks；　they　be　like　my　missus's　eggs：　all　one　outside；　and　the　rotten　ones　only　known　by　breaking。　Well　（loud）　I　_be_　pretty　close；　I　don't　deny　it；　but　（confidentially）　my　missus　beats　me。　I　look　twice　at　a　penny；　but　she　looks　twice　at　both　sides　of　a　halfpenny　before　she　will　let　him　go：　and　it's　her　being　so　close　have　raised　all　this　here　bobbery；　and　so　I　told　her；　says　I；　'Missus；　if　you　would　but　leave　an　end　of　a　dip；　or　a　paring　of　cheese；　about　your　cupboard；　she　would　hide　at　home；　but　you　hungers　her　so；　you　drives　her　afield　right　on　atop　o'　my　roots。'　'Oh；'　says　my　missus；　'if　_I_　was　to　be　as　wasteful　as　_you_　be；　where　should　_we_　be　come　Christmas　day？　Every　tub　on　its　own　bottom；'　says　she；　'man　and　wife　did　ought　to　keep　theirselves　to　theirselves；　she　to　the　house；　and　I　to　the　garden。'　'So　be　it；　says　I；　'and　by　the　same　toaken；　don't　let　me　catch　them　〃Ns〃　in　my　garden　again；　or　I'll　spoil　their　clucking　and　scratching；'　says　I；　'for　I'll　twist　their　dalled　necks：　ye've　got　a　yard；'　says　I；　'and　a　roost；　and　likewise　a　turnpike；　you　and　your　poultry：　so　bide　at　home　the　lot；　and　don't　come　a　scratching　o'　me；'　and　with　that　we　had　a　ripput；　and　she　took　one　of　her　pangs；　and　then　I　behoved　to　knock　under；　and　that　is　allus　the　way　if　ye　quarrel　with　woman…folk；　they　are　sworn　to　get　the　better　of　ye　by　hook　or　by　crook。　Now　dooe　give　me　a　bit　of　that　ere；　to　quiet　this　here；　as　eats　me　up　by　the　roots　and　sets　my　missus　and　me　by　the　ears。〃

〃Justum　ac　tenacem　propositi　virum；〃　whispered　Alfred　to　Edward。

Sampson　told　him　angrily　to　go　to　a　certain　great　personage。

〃Not　afore　my　betters；〃　whispered　Mr。　Maxley；　smit　with　a　sudden　respect　for　etiquette　〃Won't　ye；　now？〃

〃I'll　see　ye　hanged　first；　ye　miserly　old　assassin。〃

〃Then　I　have　nothing　to　thank　_you_　for；〃　roared　Maxley；　and　made　his　adieux；　ignoring　with　marked　contempt　the　false　physician　who　declined　to　doctor　the　foe　of　his　domestic　peace　and　crocuses。

〃Quite　a　passage　of　arms；〃　said　Edward。

〃Yes；〃　said　Mrs。　Dodd；　〃and　of　bludgeons　and　things；　rather　than　the　polished　rapier。　What　expressions　to　fall　from　two　highly　educated　gentlemen！　SlopePotato…trapSawbonesCatlap_je　n'en　finirais　pas。_〃

She　then　let　them　know　that　she　meditated　a　〃dictionary　of　jargon；〃　in　hopes　that　its　bulk　might　strike　terror　into　honest　citizens；　and　excite　an　anti…jargon　league　to　save　the　English　language；　now　on　the　verge　of　dissolution。

Sampson　was　pleased　with　this　threat。　〃Now；　that　is　odd；〃　said　he。　〃Why；　I　am　compilin'　a　vocabulary　myself。　I　call　't　th'　ass…ass…ins'　dickshinary；　showing　how；　by　the　use　of　mealy…mouthed　and　d'exotic　phrases；　knaves　can　lead　fools　by　th'　ear　a　vilent　dith。　F'r　instance；　if　one　was　to　say　to　John　Bull；　'Now　I'll　cut　a　great　gash　in　your　arm　and　let　your　blood　run　till　ye　drop　down　senseless；'　he'd　take　fright　and　say；　'Call　another　time！'　So　the　profissional　ass…ass…in　words　it　thus：　'I'll　bleed　you　from　a　large　orifice　till　the　occurrence　of　syncope。'　All　right　sis　John：　he's　bled　from　a　lar　j'orifice　and　dies　three　days　after　of　th'　assassin's　knife　hid　in　a　sheath　o'　goose　grease。　But　I'll　bloe　the　gaff　with　my　dictionary。〃

〃Meantime　_there_　is　another　contribution　to　mine；〃　said　Mrs。　Dodd。

And　they　agreed　in　the　gaiety　of　their　hearts　to　compare　their　rival　Lexicons。



CHAPTER　XIII


THE　subsiding　sea　was　now　a　liquid　Paradise：　its　great　pellucid　braes　and　hillocks　shone　with　the