hard cash-第61章

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　but　we　poor　little　women　like　external　shows；　do　we　not？　and　so　I　thought　a　medal　of　the　Humane　Society　might　give　some　pleasure　to　you　and　Miss　Dodd。　Never　did　medal　nor　order　repose　on　a　nobler　heart。　The　case　was　so　strong；　and　so　well　supported；　that　the　society　did　not　hesitate：　and　you　will　receive　it　very　soon　after　this。

〃'You　will　be　surprised；　dear　madam；　at　all　this　from　a　stranger　to　yourself；　and　will　perhaps　set　it　down　to　a　wish　to　intrude　on　your　acquaintance。　Well；　then；　dear　madam；　you　will　not　be　far　wrong。　I　_should_　like　much　to　know　one；　whose　character　I　already　seem　acquainted　with；　and　to　convey　personally　my　gratitude　and　admiration　of　your　husband：　I　could　pour　it　out　more　freely　to　you；　you　know；　than　to　him。I　am；　dear　Madam；　Yours　very　faithfully；

'LOUISA　BERESFORD。'


〃And　the　medal　came　about　an　hour　before　the　fly　to　take　him　away。　His　dear　name　was　on　it　and　his　brave　courageous　acts。

〃Oh；　shall　I　ever　be　old　enough　and　hard　enough　to　speak　of　this　without　stopping　to　cry？

〃We　fastened　it　round　his　dear　neck　with　a　ribbon。　Mamma　would　put　it　inside　his　clothes　for　fear　the　silver　should　tempt　some　wretch；　I　should　never　have　thought　of　that：　is　there　a　creature　so　base？　And　we　told　the　men　how　he　had　gained　it　（they　were　servants　of　the　asylum）；　and　we　showed　them　how　brave　and　good　he　was；　and　would　be　again　if　they　would　be　kind　to　him　and　cure　him。　And　mamma　bribed　them　with　money　to　use　him　kindly：　I　thought　they　would　be　offended　and　refuse　it：　but　they　took　it；　and　their　faces　showed　she　was　wiser　than　I　am。　_He_　keeps　away　from　us　too。　It　is　nearly　a　fortnight　now。〃

_〃Dec。　7th。_Aunt　Eve　left　to…day。　Mamma　kept　her　room　and　could　not　speak　to　her；　cannot　forgive　her　interfering　between　papa　and　her。　It　does　seem　strange　that　any　one　but　mamma　should　be　able　to　send　papa　out　of　the　house；　and　to　such　a　place；　but　it　is　the　law：　and　Edward；　who　is　all　good　sense；　says　it　was　necessary。　He　says　mamma　is　unjust；　grief　makes　her　unreasonable。　I　don't　know　who　is　in　the　right：　and　I　don't　much　care；　but　I　know　I　am　sorry　for　Aunt　Eve；　and　very；　very　sorry　for　mamma。

_〃Dec。　8th。_I　am　an　egotist：　found　myself　out　this　morning；　and　it　is　a　good　thing　to　keep　a　diary。　It*　was　overpowered　at　first　by　grief　for　mamma：　but　now　the　house　is　sad　and　quiet　I　am　always　thinking　of　_him；_　and　that　is　egotism。

*　Egotism。　The　abstract　quality　evolved　from　the　concrete　term　egotist　by　feminine　art；　without　the　aid　of　grammar。

〃Why　_does_　he　stay　away　so？　I　almost　wish　I　could　think　it　was　coldness　or　diminished　affection；　for　I　fear　something　worse；　something　to　make　_him_　wretched。　Those　dreadful　words　papa　spoke　before　he　was　afflicted！　words　I　will　never　put　on　paper；　but　they　ring　in　my　ears　still；　they　appal　me：　and　then　found　at　their　very　door！　Ah！　and　I　knew　I　_should_　find　him　near　that　house。　And　now　_he_　keeps　away。〃

_〃Dec。　9th。_All　day　trying　to　comfort　mamma。　She　made　a　great　effort　and　wrote　to　Mrs。　Beresford。〃


　　　　　POOR　MAMMA'S　LETTER


〃DEAR　MADAM；Your　kind　and　valued　letter　reached　us　in　deep　affliction；　and　I　am　little　able　to　reply　to　you　as　you　deserve。　My　poor　husband　is　very　ill；　so　ill　that　he　no　longer　remembers　the　past；　neither　the　brave　acts　that　have　won　him　your　esteem；　nor　even　the　face　of　his　loving　and　unhappy　wife；　who　now　thanks　you　with　many　tears　for　your　sweet　letter。　Heart…broken　as　my　children　and　I　are；　we　yet　derive　some　consolation　from　it。　We　have　tied　the　medal　round　his　neck；　madam；　and　thank　you　far　more　than　we　can　find　words　to　express。

〃In　conclusion；　I　pray　Heaven　that；　in　your　bitterest　hour；　you　may　find　the　consolation　you　have　administered　to　us：　no；　no；　I　pray　you　may　never；　never　stand　in　such　need　of　comfortI　am　dear　madam；　yours　gratefully　and　sincerely；

〃LUCY　DODD。〃


_〃Dec。　10th；　Sunday。_At　St。　Anne's　in　the　morning。　Tried　hard　to　apply　the　sermon。　He　spoke　of　griefs；　but　_so_　coldly；　surely　he　never　felt　one；　_he_　was　not　there。　Mem。：　always　pray　against　wandering　thoughts　on　entering　church。〃

_〃Dec。　11th。_A　diary　is　a　dreadful　thing。　Everything　must　go　down　now；　and；　amongst　the　rest　that　the　poor　are　selfish。　I　could　not　interest　one　of　mine　in　mamma's　sorrows；　no；　they　must　run　back　to　their　own　little　sordid　troubles；　about　money　and　things。　I　was　so　provoked　with　Mrs。　Jackson　（she　owes　mamma　so　much）　that　I　left　her　hastily；　and　that　was　Impatience。　I　had　a　mind　to　go　back　to　her；　but　would　not；　and　that　was　Pride。　Where　is　my　Christianity？

〃A　kind　letter　from　Jane　Hardie。　But　no　word　of　_him。_〃

_〃Dec。　12th。_To…day　Edward　told　me　plump　I　must　not　go　on　taking　things　out　of　the　house　for　the　poor：　mamma　gave　me　the　reason。　'We　are　poor　ourselves；　thanks　to'　And　then　she　stopped。　Does　she　suspect？　How　can　she？　She　did　hear　not　those　two　dreadful　words　of　papa's？　They　are　like　two　arrows　in　my　heart。　And　so　we　are　poor：　she　says　we　have　scarcely　anything　to　live　upon　after　paying　the　two　hundred　and　fifty　pounds　a　year　for　papa。

_〃Dec。　13th。_A　comforting　letter　from　Jane。　She　sends　me　Hebrews　xii。　11；　and　says；　'Let　us　take　a　part　of　the　Bible；　and　read　two　chapters　prayerfully　at　the　same　hour　of　the　day：　will　ten　o'clock　in　the　morning　suit　you？　and；　if　so；　will　you　choose　where　to　begin？'　I　will；　sweet　friend；　I　will；　and　then；　though　some　cruel　mystery　keeps　us　apart；　our　souls　will　be　together　over　the　sacred　page；　as　I　hope　they　will　one　day　be　together　in　heaven；　yours　will；　at　any　rate。　Wrote　back；　yes；　and　a　thousand　thanks；　and　should　like　to　begin　with　the　Psalms；　they　are　sorrowful；　and　so　are　we。　And　I　must　pray　not　to　think　too　much　of　_him。_

〃If　everything　is　to　be　put　down　one　does；　I　cried　long　and　bitterly　to　find　I　had　written　that　I　must　pray　to　God　against　_him。_〃

_〃Dec。　14th。_It　is　plain　he　never　means　to　come　again。　Mamma　says　nothing；　but　that　is　out　of　pity　for　me：　I　have　not　read　her　dear　face　all　these　years　for　nothing。　She　is　beginning　to　think　him　unworthy；　when　she　thinks　of　him　at　all。

There　is　a　mystery；　a　dreadful　mystery；　may　he　not　be　as　mystified；　too；　and　perhaps　tortured　like　me　with　doubts　and　suspicions？　They　say　he　is　pale　and　dejected。　Poor　thing！

But　then；　oh　why　not　come　to　me　and　say　so？　Shall　I　write　to　him？　No；　I　will　cut　my　hand　off　sooner。〃

_〃Dec。　16th。_A　blessed　letter　from　Jane。　She　says；　'Letter　writing　on　ordinary　subjects　is　a　sad　waste　of　time　and　very　unpardonable　among　His　people。'　And　so　it　is；　and　my　weak　hope；　daily　disappointed；　that　there　may　be　something　in　her　letter；　only　shows　how　inferior　I　am　to　my　beloved　friend。　She　says；　'I　should　like　to　fix　another　hour　for　us　two　to　meet　at　the　Throne　together：　will　five　o'clock　suit　you？　We　dine　at　six；　but　I　am　never　more　than　half　an　hour　dressing。'

〃The　friendship　of　this　saint；　and　her　bright　example；　is　what　Heaven　sends　me　in　infinite　mercy　and　goodness　to　sooth　my　aching　heart　a　little：　for　_him_　I　shall　never　see　again。

〃I　have　seen　him　this　very　evening。〃

〃It　was　a　beautiful　night：　I　went　to　look　atthe　world　to　come　I　call　itfor　I　believe　the　redeemed　are　to　inhabit　those　very　stars　hereafter；　and　visit　them　all　in　turnand　this　world　I　now　find　is　a　world　of　sorrow　and　disappointmentso　I　went　on　the　balcony　to　look　at　a　better　one：　and　oh　it　seemed　so　holy；　so　calm；　so　pure；　that　heavenly　world　I　gazed　and　stretched　my　hands　towards　it　for　ever　so　little　of　its　holiness　and　purity；　and；　that　moment　I　heard　a　sigh。　I　looked；　and　there　stood　a　gentleman　just　outside　our　gate；　and　it　was　_him。_　I　nearly　screamed；　and　my　heart　beat　so。　He　did　not　see　me：　for　I　had　come　out　softly；　and　his　poor　head　was　down；　down　upon　his　breast；　and　he　used　to　carry　it　so　high；　a　little；　little；　while　agotoo　high　some　said；　but　not　I。　I　looked；　and　my　misgivings　melted　away；　it　flashed　on　me　as　if　one　of　those　stars　had　written　it　with　its　own　light　in　my　heart'There　stands　Grief；　not　Guilt。'　And　before　I　knew　what　I　was　about　I　had　whispered　'Alfred！'　The　poor　boy　started　and　ran　towards　me：　but　stopped　short　and　sighed　again。　My　heart　yearned；　but　it　was　not　for　me　to　make　advances　to　him；　after　his　unkindness：　so　I　spoke　to　him　as　coldly　as　ever　I　could；　and　I　said；　'You　are　unhappy。'

〃He　looked　up　to　me；　and　then　I　saw　even　by　that　light　that　he　is　enduring　a　bitter；　bitter　struggle：　_so_　pale；　_so_　worn；　_so_　dragged！Now　how　many　times　have　I　cried；　this　last　month？　more　than　in　all　the　rest　of　my　life　a　great　deal。'Unhappy！'　he　said；　'I　must　be　a　contemptible　thing　if　I　was　not　unhappy。'　And　then　he　asked　me　should　not　I　despise　him　if　he　was　happy。　I　did　not　answer　that：　but　I　asked　him　why　he　was　unhappy。　And　when　I　had；　I　was　half　frightened；　for　he　never　evades　a　question　the　least　bit。

〃He　held　his　head　higher　still；　and　said；　'I　am　unhappy　because　I　cannot　see　the　path　of　honour。'

〃Then　I　babbled　something；　I　forget　what：　then　he　went　on　like　thisah；　I　never　forget　what　_he_　sayshe　said　Cicero　says　'AEquitas　ipsa　lucet　per　se；　something　significat*　something　else：'　and　he　repeated　it　slowly　for　mehe　knows　I　know　a　little　Latin；　and　told　me　that　was　as　much　as　to　say　'Justice　is　so　clear　a　thing；　that　whoever　hesitates　must　be　on　the　road　of　wrong。　And　yet；'　he　said　bitterly；　'_I_　hesitate　and　doubt；　in　a　matter　of　right　and　wrong；　like　an　Academic　philosopher　weighing　and　balancing　mere　speculative　straws。'　Those　were　his　very　words。　'And　so；'　said　he；　'I　am　miserable；　deserving　to　be　miserable。'

*Dubitatio　cogitationem　significat　injuriae。

〃Then　I　ventured　to　remind　him　that　he；　and　I；　and　all　Christian　souls；　had　a　resource　not　known　to　heathen　philosophers；　however　able。　And　I　said；　'Dear　Alfred；　when　I　am　in　doubt　and　difficulty；　I　go　and　pray　to　Him　to　guide　me　aright：　have　you　done　so？'　No；　that　had　never　occurred　to　him：　but　he　would；　if　I　made　a　point　of　it；　and　at　any　rate　he　could　not　go　on　in　this　way。　I　should　soon　see　him　again；　and；　once　his　mind　was　made　up；　no　shrinking　from　mere　consequences；　he　promised　me。　Then　we　bade　one　another　good　night　and　he　went　off　holding　his　head　as　proudly　as　he　used：　and　poor　silly　me　fluttered；　and　nearly　hysterical；　as　soon　as　I　quite　lost　sight　of　him。〃

_〃Dec。　17th。_At　church　in　the　morning：　a　good　sermon。　Notes　and　analysis。　In　the　evening　Jane's　clergyman　preached。　She　came。　Going　out　I　asked　her　a　question　about　what　we　had　heard；　but　she　did　not　answer　me。　At　parting　she　told　me　she　made　it　a　rule　not　to　speak　coming　from　church；　not　even　about　the　sermon。　This　seemed　austere　to　poor　me。　But　of　course　she　is　right。　Oh；　that　I　was　like　her。〃

_〃Dec。　18th。_Edward　is　coming　out。　This　boy；　that　one　has　taught　all　the　French；　all　the　dancing；　and　nearly　all　the　Latin　he　knows；　turns　out　to　be　one's　superior；　infinitely：　I　mean　in　practical　good　sense。　Mamma　had　taken　her　pearls　to　the　jeweller　and　borrowed　two　hundred　pounds。　He　found　this　out　and　objected。　She　told　him　a　part　of　it　was　required　to　keep　him　at　Oxford。　'Oh　indeed；'　said　he：　and　we　thought　of　course　there　was　an　end：　but　next　morning　he　was　off　before　breakfast　and　the　day　after　he　returned　from　Oxford　with　his　caution　money；　forty　pounds；　and　gave　it　mamma；　she　had　forgotten　all　about　it。　And　he　had　taken　his　name　off　the　college　books　and