hard cash-第64章

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hen　we　have　been　married　years　and　years；　I　shall　tell　him　not　to　go　and　pay　a　lady　for　every　tear；　if　he　wants　her　to　leave　off。

〃The　whole　place　so　gloomy　and　vacant　now。

_〃Jan。　20th。_Poverty　stares　us　in　the　face。　Edward　says　we　could　make　a　modest　living　in　London；　and　nobody　be　the　wiser：　but　here　we　are　known；　and　_'must_　be　ladies　and　gentlemen；　and　fools；'　he　says。　He　has　now　made　me　seriously　promise　not　to　give　money　and　things　out　of　the　house　to　the　poor：　it　is　robbing　my　mother　and　him。　Ah；　now　I　see　it　_is_　nonsense　to　despise　money：　here　I　come　home　sad　from　my　poor　people；　and　I　used　to　return　warm　all　over。　And　the　poor　old　souls　do　not　enjoy　my　sermons　half　so　much　as　when　I　gave　them　nice　things　to　eat　along　with　them。

〃The　dear　boy；　that　I　always　loved　dearly；　but　_admire_　and　love　now　that　he　has　turned　an　intolerable　tyrant　and　he　used　to　be　Wax；　has　put　down　two　maids　out　of　our　three；　and　brings　our　dinner　up　himself　in　a　jacket；　then　puts　on　his　coat　and　sits　down　with　us；　and　we　sigh　at　him　and　he　grins　and　derides　us；　he　does　not　care　one　straw　for　Pomp。　And　mamma　and　I　have　to　dress　one　another　now。　And　I　like　it。〃

_〃Jan。　30th。_He　says　we　may　now；　by　great　economy；　subsist　honestly　till　my　wedding…day；　but　then　mamma　and　he　must　_'absquatulate。'_　Oh；　what　stout　hearts　men　have。　They　can　jest　at　sorrow　even　when；　in　spite　of　their　great　thick　skins；　they　feel　it。　Ah；　the　real　poor　are　happy：　they　marry；　and　need　not　leave　the　parish　where　their　mother　lives。〃

_〃Feb。　4th。_A　kind　and　most　delicate　letter　from　Jane。　She　says；　'Papa　and　I　are　much　grieved　at　Captain　Dodd's　affliction；　and　deeply　concerned　at　your　loss　by　the　Bank。　Papa　has　asked　Uncle　Thomas　for　two　hundred　pounds；　and　I　entreat　you　to　oblige　me　by　receiving　it　at　my　hands　and　applying　it　according　to　the　dictates　of　your　own　affectionate　heart。〃

〃Actually　our　Viceroy　will　not　let　me　take　it：　he　says　he　will　not　accept　a　crumb　from　the　man　who　owes　us　a　loaf。〃

_〃Feb。　8th。_Jane　mortified；　and　no　wonder。　If　she　knew　how　very　poor　we　are；　she　would　be　surprised　as　well。　I　have　implored　her　not　to　take　it　to　heart；　for　that　all　will　be　explained　one　day；　and　she　will　see　we　_could_　not。

〃His　dear　letters！　I　feed　on　them。　We　have　no　secrets；　no　two　minds。　He　is　to　be　a　first　class　and　then　a　private　tutor。　Our　money　is　to　go　to　mamma：　it　is　he　and　I　that　are　to　work　our　fingers　to　the　bone　（I　am　so　happy！）；　and　never　let　them　be　driven　by　injustice　from　their　home。　But　all　this　is　a　great　secret。　The　Viceroy　will　be　defeated；　only　I　let　him　talk　till　Alfred　is　here　to　back　me。　No；　it　is　_not_　just　the　rightful　owner　of　fourteen　thousand　pounds　should　be　poor。

〃How　shallow　female　education　is：　I　was　always　led　to　suppose　modesty　is　the　highest　virtue。　No　such　thing！　Justice　is　the　queen　of　the　virtues：　_He_　is　justice　incarnate。〃

_〃March　10th。_On　reperusing　this　diary；　it　is　demoralising；　very：　it　feeds　self。　Of　all　the　detestable　compositions：　Me；　Me；　Me；　from　one　end　to　another：　for　when　it　is　not　about　myself；　it　is　about　Alfred；　and　that　it　is　my　he…Me　though　not　my　she…one。　So　now　to　turn　over　a　new　leaf：　from　this　day　I　shall　record　only　the　things　that　happen　in　this　house　and　what　my　betters　say　to　_me；_　not　what　I　say；　and　the　texts；　and　outline　of　the　sermons；　and　Jane's　Christian　admonitions。〃


Before　a　resolve　so　virtuous　all　impure　spirits　retire；　taking　off　their　hats；　and　bowing　down　to　the　very　ground；　but　apprehending　Small　Beer。



CHAPTER　XXVIII

　　　　　_Extracts　from　Jane　Hardie's　Diary。_

_〃March　3rd。_In　my　district　again；　the　first　time　since　my　illness；　from　which　I　am　indeed　but　half　recovered。　Spoke　faithfully　to　Mrs。　B。　about　her　infidel　husband：　told　her　not　to　try　and　talk　to　him；　but　to　talk　to　God　about　him。　Gave　her　my　tract　'A　quiet　heart。'　Came　home　tired。　Prayed　to　be　used　to　sharpen　the　sickles　of　other　reapers。

_〃March　4th。_At　St。　Philip's　to　hear　the　Bishop。　In　the　midst　of　an　excellent　sermon　on　Gen。　i。　2；　he　came　out　with　the　waters　of　baptism；　to　my　horror：　he　disclaimed　the　extravagant　views　some　of　them　take；　then　hankered　after　what　he　denied；　and　then　partly　unsaid　_that_　too。　While　the　poor　man　was　trimming　his　sails；　I　slunk　behind　a　pillar　in　the　corner　of　my　pew；　and　fell　on　my　knees；　and　prayed　（a）　against　the　stream　of　poison　flowing　on　the　congregation。　Oh；　I　felt　like　Jeremiah　in　his　dungeon。

〃In　the　evening　papa　forbade　me　to　go　to　church　again：　said　the　wind　was　too　cold：　I　kissed　him；　and　went　up　to　my　room　and　put　my　head　between　the　pillows　not　to　hear　the　bells。　Prayed　for　poor　（b）　Alfred。〃

_〃March　5th。_Sadly　disappointed　in　J。　D。　I　did　hope　he　was　embittering　the　world　to　her　by　degrees。　But　for　some　time　past　she　writes　in　ill…concealed　spirits。

〃Another　friend；　after　seeking　rest　in　the　world；　is　now　seeking　it　in　ritualism。　May　both　be　drawn　from　their　rotten　reeds　to　the　cross

　　　　'And　oh　this　moral　may　my　heart　retain；　　　　　　All　hopes　of　happiness　on　earth　are　vain。'〃

_〃March　6th。_The　cat　is　out　of　the　bag。　She　is　corresponding　with　Alfred：　indeed　she　makes　no　secret　of　it。　Wrote　her　a　（c）　faithful　letter。　Received　a　short　reply；　saying　I　had　made　her　unhappy；　and　begging　me　to　suspend　my　judgment　till　she　could　undeceive　me　without　giving　me　too　much　pain。　What　mystery　is　this？〃

_March　7th。_Alfred　announces　his　unalterable　determination　to　marry　Julia。　I　read　the　letter　to　papa　directly。　He　was　silent　for　a　long　time：　and　then　said：　'All　the　worse　for　both　of　them。'　It　was　all　I　could　do　to　suppress　a　thrill　of　carnal　complacency　at　the　thought　this　might　in　time　pave　the　way　to　another　union。　Even　to　think　of　that　now　is　a　sin。　1　Cor。　vii。　20…4；　plainly　shows　that　whatever　position　（d）　of　life　we　are　placed　in；　there　it　is　our　duty　to　abide。　A　child；　for　instance；　is　placed　in　subjection　to　her　parents；　and　must　not　leave　them　without　their　consent。〃

_〃March　8th。_Sent　two　cups　of　cold　water　to　two　fellow…pilgrims　of　mine　on　the　way　to　Jerusalem；　viz：　to　E。　H。；　Rom。　viii。　1；　to　Mrs。　M。；　Philipp。　ii。　27。

〃Prayed　for　increase　of　humility。　I　am　so　afraid　my　great　success　in　His　vineyard　has　seduced　me　into　feeling　as　if　there　was　a　spring　of　living　water　in　myself；　instead　of　every　drop　being　derived　from　the　true　fountain。〃

_〃March　9th。_Dr。　Wycherley　closeted　two　hours　with　papapapa　had　sent　for　him；　I　find。　What　is　it　makes　me　think　that　man　is　no　true　friend　to　Alfred　in　his　advice？　I　don't　like　these　roundabout　speakers：　the　lively　oracles　are　not　roundabout。〃

_〃March　10th。_　My　beloved　friend　and　fellow…labourer；　Charlotte　D；　ruptured　a　blood…vessel　（x）　at　three　P。　M。；　and　was　conveyed　in　the　chariots　of　angels　to　the　heavenly　banqueting…house；　to　go　no　more　out。　May　I　be　found　watching。

_〃March　11th。_　Dreadfully　starved　with　these　afternoon　sermons。　If　they　go　on　like　this；　I　really　must　stay　at　home；　and　feed　upon　the　word。〃

_〃March　12th。_　Alfred　has　written　to　his　trustees；　and　announced　his　coming　marriage；　and　told　them　he　is　going　to　settle　all　his　money　upon　the　Dodds。　Papa　quite　agitated　by　this　news：　it　did　not　come　from　Alfred；　one　of　the　trustees　wrote　to　papa。　Oh；　the　blessing　of　Heaven　will　never　rest　on　this　unnatural　marriage。　Wrote　a　faithful　letter　to　Alfred　while　papa　was　writing　to　our　trustee。〃

_〃March　13th。_My　book　on　Solomon's　Song　now　ready　for　publication。　But　it　is　so　difficult　now…a…days　to　find　a　publisher　for　such　a　subject。　The　rage　is　for　sentimental　sermons；　or　else　for　fiction　（f）　under　a　thin　disguise　of　religious　biography。〃

_〃March　l4th。_Mr。　Plummer；　of　whose　zeal　and　unction　I　had　heard　so　much；　was　in　the　town　and　heard　of　me；　and　came　to　see　me　by　appointment　just　after　luncheon。　_Such_　a　sweet　meeting。　He　came　in　and　took　my　hand；　and　in　that　posture　prayed　that　the　Holy　Spirit　might　be　with　us　to　make　our　conversation　profitable　to　us；　and　redound　to　His　glory。　Poor　man；　his　wife　leads　him　a　cat　and　dog　life；　I　hear；　with　her　jealousy。　We　had　a　_sweet_　talk；　he　admires　Canticles　almost　as　much　as　I　do　（z）：　and　has　promised　to　take　my　book　and　get　it　cast　on　the　Lord　（g）　for　me。

_〃March　15th。_To　_please；_　one　must　not　be　faithful。　（h）　Miss　L。；　after　losing　all　her　relations；　and　at　thirty　years　of　age；　is　to　be　married　next　week。　She　came　to　me　and　gushed　out　about　the　blessing　of　having　at　last　one　earthly　friend　to　whom　she　could　confide　everything。　On　this　I　felt　it　my　duty　to　remind　her　she　might　lose　him　by　death；　and　then　what　a　blank；　and　I　was　going　on　to　detach　her　from　the　arm　of　flesh；　when　she　burst　out　crying；　and　left　me　abruptly；　couldn't　bear　the　truth；　poor　woman。

〃In　the　afternoon　met　_him_　and　bowed；　and　longed　to　speak；　but　thought　it　my　duty　not　to：　cried　bitterly　on　reaching　home。〃

_〃March　l7th。_Transcribed　all　the　（i）　texts　on　Solomon's　Song。　It　seems　to　be　the　way　He　（j）　has　marked　out　for　me　to　serve　him。〃

_〃March　19th。_Received　this　letter　from　Alfred：


'DEAR　JANE；I　send　you　a　dozen　kisses　and　a　piece　of　advice；　learn　more；　teach　less：　study　more；　preach　less：　and　don't　be　in　such　a　hurry　to　judge　and　condemn　your　intellectual　and　moral　superiors；　on　insufficient　information。Your　affectionate　brother；

ALFRED。'

A　poor　return　for　me　loving　his　soul　as　my　own。　I　do　but　advise　him　the　self…denial　I　myself　pursue。　Woe　be　to　him　if　he　rejects　it。〃

_〃March　20th。_A　perverse　reply　from　J。　D。　I　had　proposed　we　should　plead　for　our　parents　at　the　Throne。　She　says　she　fears　that　might　seem　like　assuming　the　office　of　the　mediator：　and　besides　her　mother　is　nearer　Heaven　than　she　is。　What　blindness！　I　don't　know　a　more　thoroughly　unhealthy　mind　than　poor　Mrs。　（k）　Dodd's。　I　am　learning　to　pray　walking。　Got　this　idea　from　Mr。　Plummer。　How　closely　he　walks！　his　mind　so　_exactly_　suits　mine。

_〃March　22nd。_Alfred　returned。　Went　to　meet　him　at　the　station。　How　bright　and　handsome　he　looked！　He　kissed　me　so　affectionately；　and　was　as　kind　and　loving　as　could　be：　I；　poor　unfaithful　wretch；　went　hanging　（m）　on　his　arm；　and　had　not　the　heart　to　dash　his　carnal　happiness　just　then。

〃He　is　gone　_there。_〃

_〃March　24th。_Stole　into　Alfred's　lodging　when　he　was　out；　and；　after　prayer；　pinned　Deuteronomy　xxvii。　16；　Proverbs　xiii。　1；　and　xv。　5；　and　Mark　vii。　10；　upon　his　bed…curtains。〃

_〃March　25th。_Alfred　has　been　in　my　room；　and　nailed　Matthew　vii。　1；　Mark　x。　7；　and　Ezek。　xviii。　20；　on　my　wall。　He　found　my　diary；　and　has　read　it；　not　to　profit　by；　alas！　but　to　scoff。〃

＇Specimen　of　Alfred's　comments。　_N。B。_　Fraternal　criticism：

A。　Nolo　Episcopari。

B。　It's　an　ill　wind　that　blows　nobody　good。

D。　The　old　trick；　picking　one　text；　straining　it；　and　ignoring　six。　So　then　nobody　who　is　not　born　married；　must　get　married。

E。　Recipe。　To　know　people's　real　estimate　of　themselves；　study　their　language　of　self…depreciation。　If；　even　when　they　undertake　to　lower　themselves；　they　cannot　help　insinuating　self…praise；　be　sure　their　humility　is　a　puddle；　their　vanity　is　a　well。　This　sentence　is　typical　of　the　whole　Diary　or　rather　Iary；　it　sounds　Publican；　smells　Pharisee。

X。　How　potent　a　thing　is　language　in　the　hand　of　a　master：　Here　is　sudden　death　made　humorous　by　a　few　incongruous　phrases　neatly　disposed。

F。　Excuse　me；　there　is　still　a