grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第2章

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liness。

9。　　Yea；　such　prevalency　had　the　lusts　and　fruits　of　the　flesh　in　　this　poor　soul　of　mine；　that　had　not　a　miracle　of　precious　grace　　prevented；　I　had　not　only　perished　by　the　stroke　of　eternal　　justice；　but　had　also　laid　myself　open；　even　to　the　stroke　of　those　　laws　which　bring　some　to　disgrace　and　open　shame　before　the　face　of　　the　world。

10。　　In　these　days　the　thoughts　of　religion　were　very　grievous　to　　me；　I　could　neither　endure　it　myself；　nor　that　any　other　should；　so　　that　when　I　have　seen　some　read　in　those　books　that　concerned　　Christian　piety；　it　would　be　as　it　were　a　prison　to　me。　　THEN　I　　SAID　UNTO　GOD；　DEPART　FROM　ME；　FOR　I　DESIRE　NOT　THE　KNOWLEDGE　OF　　THY　WAYS。　　Job　xxi。　14；　15。　　I　was　now　void　of　all　good　　consideration；　heaven　and　hell　were　both　out　of　sight　and　mind；　and　　as　for　saving　and　damning；　they　were　least　in　my　thoughts。　　O　LORD；　　THOU　KNOWEST　MY　LIFE；　AND　MY　WAYS　WERE　NOT　HID　FROM　THEE！

11。　　But　this　I　well　remember；　that　though　I　could　myself　sin　with　　the　greatest　delight　and　ease；　and　also　take　pleasure　in　the　　vileness　of　my　companions；　yet；　even　then；　if　I　had　at　any　time　　seen　wicked　things；　by　those　who　professed　goodness；　it　would　make　　my　spirit　tremble。　　As　once　above　all　the　rest；　when　I　was　in　the　　height　of　vanity；　yet　hearing　one　to　swear；　that　was　reckoned　for　a　　religious　man；　it　had　so　great　a　stroke　upon　my　spirit；　that　it　　made　my　heart　ache。

12。　　But　God　did　not　utterly　leave　me；　but　followed　me　still；　not　　now　with　convictions；　but　judgments；　yet　such　as　were　mixed　with　　mercy。　　For　once　I　fell　into　a　creek　of　the　sea；　and　hardly　escaped　　drowning。　　Another　time　I　fell　out　of　a　boat　into　BEDFORD　river；　　but；　mercy　yet　preserved　me　alive：　　besides；　another　time；　being　in　　a　field；　with　one　of　my　companions；　it　chanced　that　an　adder　passed　　over　the　highway；　so　I　having　a　stick　in　my　hand；　struck　her　over　　the　back；　and　having　stunned　her；　I　forced　open　her　mouth　with　my　　stick；　and　plucked　her　sting　out　with　my　fingers；　by　which　act　had　　not　God　been　merciful　unto　me；　I　might　by　my　desperateness；　have　　brought　myself　to　my　end。

13。　　This　also　I　have　taken　notice　of；　with　thanksgiving：　　When　I　　was　a　soldier；　I　with　others；　were　drawn　out　to　go　to　such　a　place　　to　besiege　it；　but　when　I　was　just　ready　to　go；　one　of　the　company　　desired　to　go　in　my　room：　　to　which；　when　I　had　consented；　he　took　　my　place；　and　coming　to　the　siege；　as　he　stood　sentinel；　he　was　　shot　in　the　head　with　a　musket…bullet　and　died。

14。　　Here；　as　I　said；　were　judgments　and　mercy；　but　neither　of　them　　did　awaken　my　soul　to　righteousness；　wherefore　I　sinned　still；　and　　grew　more　and　more　rebellious　against　God；　and　careless　of　my　own　　salvation。

15。　　Presently　after　this；　I　changed　my　condition　into　a　married　　state；　and　my　mercy　was；　to　light　upon　a　wife　whose　father　was　　counted　godly：　　This　woman　and　I；　though　we　came　together　as　poor　　as　poor　might　be　（not　having　so　much　household　stuff　as　a　dish　or　a　　spoon　betwixt　us　both）；　yet　this　she　had　for　her　part：　　THE　PLAIN　　MAN'S　PATHWAY　TO　HEAVEN　and　THE　PRACTICE　OF　PIETY；　which　her　father　　had　left　her　when　he　died。　　In　these　two　books　I　would　sometimes　　read　with　her；　wherein　I　also　found　some　things　that　were　somewhat　　pleasing　to　me　（but　all　this　while　I　met　with　no　conviction）。　　She　　also　would　be　often　telling　of　me　what　a　godly　man　her　father　was；　　and　how　he　would　reprove　and　correct　vice；　both　in　his　house；　and　　among　his　neighbours；　what　a　strict　and　holy　life　he　lived　in　his　　days；　both　in　word　and　deed。

16。　　Wherefore　these　books；　with　this　relation；　though　they　did　not　　reach　my　heart；　to　awaken　it　about　my　sad　and　sinful　state；　yet　　they　did　beget　within　me　some　desires　to　religion：　　so　that　because　　I　knew　no　better；　I　fell　in　very　eagerly　with　the　religion　of　the　　times；　to　wit；　to　go　to　church　twice　a　day；　and　that　too　with　the　　foremost；　and　there　should　very　devoutly；　both　say　and　sing；　as　　others　did；　yet　retaining　my　wicked　life；　but　withal；　I　was　so　　over…run　with　the　spirit　of　superstition；　that　I　adored；　and　that　　with　great　devotion；　even　all　things　（both　the　high…place；　priest；　　clerk；　vestment；　service；　and　what　else）　belonging　to　the　church；　　counting　all　things　holy　that　were　therein　contained；　and　　especially；　the　priest　and　clerk　most　happy；　and　without　doubt；　　greatly　blessed；　because　they　were　the　servants；　as　I　then　thought；　　of　God；　and　were　principal　in　the　holy　temple；　to　do　His　work　　therein。

17。　　This　conceit　grew　so　strong　in　a　little　time　upon　my　spirit；　　that　had　I　but　seen　a　priest　（though　never　so　sordid　and　debauched　　in　his　life）；　I　should　find　my　spirit　fall　under　him；　reverence　　him；　and　knit　unto　him；　yea；　I　thought；　for　the　love　I　did　bear　　unto　them　（supposing　them　the　ministers　of　God）；　I　could　have　laid　　down　at　their　feet；　and　have　been　trampled　upon　by　them；　their　　name；　their　garb；　and　work　did　so　intoxicate　and　bewitch　me。

18。　　After　I　had　been　thus　for　some　considerable　time；　another　　thought　came　in　my　mind；　and　that　was；　whether　we　were　of　the　　ISRAELITES　or　no？　　For　finding　in　the　scripture　that　they　were　once　　the　peculiar　people　of　God；　thought　I；　if　I　were　one　of　this　race；　　my　soul　must　needs　be　happy。　　Now　again；　I　found　within　me　a　great　　longing　to　be　resolved　about　this　question；　but　could　not　tell　how　　I　should：　　at　last　I　asked　my　father　of　it；　who　told　me；　NO；　WE　　WERE　NOT。　　Wherefore　then　I　fell　in　my　spirit；　as　to　the　hopes　of　　that；　and　so　remained。

19。　　But　all　this　while；　I　was　not　sensible　of　the　danger　and　evil　　of　sin；　I　was　kept　from　considering　that　sin　would　damn　me；　what　　religion　soever　I　followed；　unless　I　was　found　in　Christ：　　nay；　I　　never　thought　of　Him；　or　whether　there　was　such　a　One；　or　no。　　THUS　　MAN；　WHILE　BLIND；　DOTH　WANDER；　BUT　WEARIETH　HIMSELF　WITH　VANITY；　　FOR　HE　KNOWETH　NOT　THE　WAY　TO　THE　CITY　OF　GOD。　　Eccles。　x。　15。

20。　　But　one　day　（amongst　all　the　sermons　our　parson　made）　his　　subject　was；　to　treat　of　the　Sabbath　day；　and　of　the　evil　of　　breaking　that；　either　with　labour；　sports　or　otherwise。　　（Now；　I　　was；　notwithstanding　my　religion；　one　that　took　much　delight　in　all　　manner　of　vice；　and　especially　that　was　the　day　that　I　did　solace　　myself　therewith）：　　wherefore　I　fell　in　my　conscience　under　his　　sermon；　thinking　and　believing　that　he　made　that　sermon　on　purpose　　to　show　me　my　evil　doing。　　And　at　that　time　I　felt　what　guilt　was；　　though　never　before；　that　I　can　remember；　but　then　I　was；　for　the　　present；　greatly　loaden　therewith；　and　so　went　home　when　the　sermon　　was　ended；　with　a　great　burthen　upon　my　spirit。

21。　　This；　for　that　instant　did　benumb　the　sinews　of　my　best　　delights；　and　did　imbitter　my　former　pleasures　to　me；　but　hold；　it　　lasted　not；　for　before　I　had　well　dined；　the　trouble　began　to　go　　off　my　mind；　and　my　heart　returned　to　its　old　course：　　but　oh！　how　　glad　was　I；　that　this　trouble　was　gone　from　me；　and　that　the　fire　　was　put　out；　that　I　might　sin　again　without　control！　　Wherefore；　　when　I　had　satisfied　nature　with　my　food；　I　shook　the　sermon　out　of　　my　mind；　and　to　my　old　custom　of　sports　and　gaming；　I　returned　with　　great　delight。

22。　　But　the　same　day；　as　I　was　in　the　midst　of　a　game　of　Cat；　and　　having　struck　it　one　blow　from　the　hole；　just　as　I　was　about　to　　strike　it　the　second　time；　a　voice　did　suddenly　dart　from　heaven　　into　my　soul；　which　said；　WILT　THOU　LEAVE　THY　SINS　AND　GO　TO　　HEAVEN；　OR　HAVE　THY　SINS　AND　GO　TO　HELL？　　At　this　I　was　put　to　an　　exceeding　maze；　wherefore　leaving　my　cat　upon　the　ground；　I　looked　　up　to　heaven；　and　was；　as　if　I　had；　with　the　eyes　of　my　　understanding；　seen　the　Lord　Jesus　looking　down　upon　me；　as　being　　very　hotly　displeased　with　me；　and　as　if　He　did　severely　threaten　　me　with　some　grievous　punishment　for　these　and　other　ungodly　　practices。

23。　　I　had　no　sooner　thus　conceived　in　my　mind；　but；　suddenly；　this　　conclusion　was　fastened　on　my　spirit　（for　the　former　hint　did　set　　my　sins　again　before　my　face）；　THAT　I　HAD　BEEN　A　GREAT　AND　GRIEVOUS　　SINNER；　AND　THAT　IT　WAS　NOW　TOO　LATE　FOR　ME　TO　LOOK　AFTER　HEAVEN；　　FOR　CHRIST　WOULD　NOT　FORGIVE　ME；　NOR　PARDON　MY　TRANSGRESSIONS。　　　Then　I　fell　to　musing　on　this　also；　and　while　I　was　thinking　of　it；　　and　fearing　lest　it　should　be　so；　I　felt　my　heart　sink　in　despair；　　concluding　it　was　too　late；　and　therefore　I　resolved　in　my　mind　I　　would　go　on　in　sin：　　for；　thought　I；　if　the　case　be　thus；　my　state　　is　surely　miserable；　miserable　if　I　leave　my　sins；　and　but　　miserable　if　I　follow　them；　I　can　but　be　damned；　and　if　I　must　be　　so；　I　had　as　good　be　damned　for　many　sins；　as　be　damned　for　few。

24。　　Thus　I　stood　in　the　midst　of　my　play；　before　all　that　then　　were　present：　　but　yet　I　told　them　nothing：　　but　I　say；　having　made　　this　conclusion；　I　returned　desperately　to　my　sport　again；　and　I　　well　remember；　that　presently　this　kind　of　despair　did　so　possess　　my　soul；　that　I　was　persuaded　I　could　never　attain　to　other　comfort　　than　what　I　should　get　in　sin；　for　heaven　was　gone　already；　so　that　　on　that　I　must　not　think；　wherefore　I　found　within　me　great　desire　　to　take　my　fill　of　sin；　still　studying　what　sin　was　yet　to　be　　committed；　that　I　might　taste　the　sweetness　of　it；　and　I　made　as　　much　haste　as　I　could　to　fill　my　belly　with　its　delicates；　lest　I　　should　die　before　I　had　my　desire；　for　that　I　feared　greatly。　　In　　these　things；　I　protest　before　God；　I　lye　not；　neither　do　I　feign　　this　form　of　speech；　these　were　really；　strongly；　and　with　all　my　　heart；　my　desires：　　THE　GOOD　LORD；　WHOSE　MERCY　IS　UNSEARCHABLE；　　FORGIVE　ME　MY　TRANSGRESSIONS！

25。　　And　I　am　very　confident；　that　this　temptation　of　the　devil　is　　more　usual　among　poor　creatures；　than　many　are　aware　of；　even　to　　over…run　the　spirits　with　a　scurvy　and　seared　frame　of　heart；　and　　benumbing　of　conscience；　which　frame　he　stilly　and　slily　supplieth　　with　such　despair；　that；　though　not　much　guilt　attendeth　souls；　yet　　they　continually　have　a　secret　conclusion　within　them；　that　there　　is　no　hope　for　them；　FOR　THEY　HAVE　LOVED　SINS；　THEREFORE　AFTER　THEM　　THEY　WILL　GO。　　Jer。　ii。　25；　and　xviii。　12。

26。　　Now　therefore　I　went　on　in　sin　with　great　greediness　of　mind；　　still　grudging　that　I　could　not　be　so　satisfied　with　it；　as　I　　would。　　This　did　continue　with　me　about　a　month；　or　more；　but　one　　day；　as　I　was　standing　at　a　neighbour's　shop　window；　and　there　　cursing　and　swearing；　and　playing　the　madman；　after　my　wonted　　manner；　there　sate　within；　the　woman　of　the　house；　and　heard　me；　　who；　though　she　also　was　a　very　loose　and　ungodly　wretch；　yet　　protested　that　I　swore　and　cursed　at　that　most　fearful　rate；　that　　she　was　made　to　tremble　to　hear　me；　and　told　me　further；　THAT　I　WAS　　THE　UNGODLIEST　FELLOW　FOR　SWEARING；　THAT　SHE　EVER　HEARD　IN　ALL　HER　　LIFE；　AND　THAT　I；　BY　THUS　DOING；　WAS　ABLE　TO　SPOIL　ALL　THE　YOUTH　IN　　THE　WHOLE　TOWN；　IF　THEY　COME　BUT　IN　MY　COMPANY。

27。　　At　this　reproof　I　was　silenced；　and　put　to　secret　shame；　and　　that　too；　as　I　thought；　before　the　God　of　heaven；　wherefore；　while　　I　stood　there；　and　hanging　down　my　head；　I　wished　with　all　my　heart　　that　I　might　be　a　little　child　again；　that　my　father　might　learn　me　　to　speak　without　this　wicked　way　of　swearing；　for；　thought　I；　I　am　　so　accustomed　to　it；　that　it　is　in　vain　for　me　to　think　of　a　　reformation；　for　I　thought