grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第9章
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within me against a Christ； a Jesus； that had done for me as He had done； and yet then I had almost none others； but such blasphemous ones。
135。 But it was neither my dislike of the thought； nor yet any desire and endeavour to resist； that in the least did shake or abate the continuation or force and strength thereof； for it did always； in almost whatever I thought； intermix itself therewith； in such sort； that I could neither eat my food； stoop for a pin； chop a stick； or cast mine eye to look on this or that； but still the temptation would come； SELL CHRIST FOR THIS； OR SELL CHRIST FOR THAT； SELL HIM； sELL HIM。
136。 Sometimes it would run in my thoughts； not so little as a hundred times together； SELL HIM； SELL HIM； SELL HIM： against which； I may say； for whole hours together； I have been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it； lest haply； before I were aware； some wicked thought might arise in my heart； that might consent thereto； and sometimes the tempter would make me believe I had consented to it； but then I should be； as tortured upon a rack for whole days together。
137。 This temptation did put me to such scares； lest I should at some times； I say； consent thereto； and be overcome therewith； that by the very force of my mind； in labouring to gainsay and resist this wickedness； my very body would be put into action or motion； by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows； still answering； as fast as the destroyer said； SELL HIM； I WILL NOT； I WILL NOT； I WILL NOT； I WILL NOT； NO； NOT FOR THOUSANDS； THOUSANDS； THOUSANDS OF WORLDS： thus reckoning； lest I should； in the midst of these assaults； set too low a value on Him； even until I scarce well knew where I was； or how to be composed again。
138。 At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet； but； forsooth； when I was set at the table at my meat； I must go hence to pray； I must leave my food now； just now； so counterfeit holy also would this devil be。 When I was thus tempted； I would say in myself； NOW I AM AT MEAT； LET ME MAKE AN END。 NO； said he； YOU MUST DO IT NOW； OR YOU WILL DISPLEASE GOD； AND DESPISE CHRIST。 Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things； and because of the sinfulness of my nature （imagining that these were impulses from God）； I should deny to do it； as if I denied God； and then should I be as guilty； because I did not obey a temptation of the devil； as if I had broken the law of God indeed。
139。 But to be brief： one morning as I did lie in my bed； I was； as at other times； most fiercely assaulted with this temptation； TO SELL AND PART WITH CHRIST； the wicked suggestion still running in my mind； SELL HIM； SELL HIM； SELL HIM； SELL HIM； SELL HIM； as fast as a man could speak： against which also； in my mind； as at other times； I answered； NO； NO； NOT FOR THOUSANDS； THOUSANDS； THOUSANDS； at least twenty times together： but at last； after much striving； even until I was almost out of breath； I felt this thought pass through my heart； LET HIM GO； IF HE WILL； and I thought also； that I felt my heart freely consent thereto。 Oh！ the diligence of Satan！ Oh！ the desperateness of man's heart！
140。 Now was the battle won； and down fell I as a bird that is shot from the top of a tree； into great guilt； and fearful despair。 Thus getting out of my bed； I went moping into the field； but God knows； with as heavy a heart as mortal man； I think； could bear； where for the space of two hours； I was like a man bereft of life； and； as now； past all recovery； and bound over to eternal punishment。
141。 And withal； that scripture did seize upon my soul： OR PROFANE PERSONS AS ESAU； WHO FOR ONE MORSEL OF MEAT； SOLD HIS BIRTHRIGHT： FOR YE KNOW； HOW THAT AFTERWARD； WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING； HE WAS REJECTED； FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE； THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS。 Heb。 xii。 16； 17。
142。 Now was I as one bound； I felt myself shut up unto the judgment to come； nothing now； for two years together； would abide with me； but damnation； and an expectation of damnation： I say； nothing now would abide with me but this； save some few moments for relief； as in the sequel you will see。
143。 These words were to my soul； like fetters of brass to my legs； in the continual sound of which I went for several months together。 But about ten or eleven o'clock on that day； as I was walking under an hedge （full of sorrow and guilt； God knows）； and bemoaning myself for this hard hap； that such a thought should arise within me； suddenly this sentence rushed in upon me； THE BLOOD OF CHRIST REMITS ALL GUILT。 At this I made a stand in my spirit： with that this word took hold upon me； THE BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST HIS SON； CLEANSETH US FROM ALL SIN。 1 John i。 7。
144。 Now I began to conceive peace in my soul； and methought I saw； as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me； as being ashamed of what he had done。 At the same time also I had my sin； and the blood of Christ； thus represented to me； That my sin； when compared to the blood of Christ； was no more to it； than this little clod or stone before me； is to this vast and wide field that here I see。 This gave me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours； in which time also； methought； I saw； by faith； the Son of God； as suffering for my sins： but because it tarried not； I therefore sunk in my spirit； under exceeding guilt again。
145。 But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning ESAU'S selling of his birthright； for that scripture would lie all day long； all the week long； yea； all the year long in my mind； and hold me down； so that I could by no means lift up myself； for when I would strive to turn to this scripture or that； for relief； still that sentence would be sounding in me； FOR YE KNOW； HOW THAT AFTERWARDS； WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING； HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE； THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS。
146。 Sometimes； indeed； I should have a touch from that in Luke xxii。 31； I HAVE PRAYED FOR THEE THAT THY FAITH FAIL NOT； but it would not abide upon me； neither could I； indeed； when I considered my state； find ground to conceive in the least； that there should be the root of that grace in me； having sinned as I had done。 Now was I tore and rent in an heavy case for many days together。
147。 Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the nature and largeness of my sin； and to search into the word of God； if I could in any place espy a word of promise； or any encouraging sentence； by which I might take relief。 Wherefore I began to consider that of Mark iii。 28： ALL SINS SHALL BE FORGIVEN UNTO THE SONS OF MEN； AND BLASPHEMIES WHEREWITH SOEVER THEY SHALL BLASPHEME。 Which place； methought at a blush； did contain a large and glorious promise for the pardon of high offences； but considering the place more fully； I thought it was rather to be understood； as relating more chiefly to those who had； while in a natural estate； committed such things as there are mentioned； but not to me； who had not only received light and mercy； but that had both after； and also contrary to that； so slighted Christ as I had done。
148。 I feared； therefore； that this wicked sin of mine； might be that sin unpardonable； of which He there thus speaketh。 BUT HE THAT SHALL BLASPHEME AGAINST THE HOLY GHOST； HATH NEVER FORGIVENESS； BUT IS IN DANGER OF ETERNAL DAMNATION。 Mark iii。 29。 And I did the rather give credit to this； because of that sentence in the Hebrews： FOR YOU KNOW HOW THAT AFTERWARDS； WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING； HE WAS REJECTED； FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE； THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS。 And this stuck always with me。
149。 And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself； nor did I ever so know； as now； what it was to be weary of my life； and yet afraid to die。 Oh！ how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself！ anything but a man； and in any condition but my own！ For there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind； than that it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression； and to be saved from the wrath to come。
150。 And now I began to call again time that was spent； wishing a thousand times twice told； that the day was yet to come when I should be tempted to such a sin； concluding with great indignation； both against my heart； and all assaults； how I would rather have been torn in pieces； than be found a consenter thereto。 But alas！ these thoughts； and wishings； and resolvings were now too late to help me； this thought had passed my heart； God hath let me go； and I am fallen。 Oh！ thought I； THAT IT WERE WITH ME AS IN MONTHS PAST； AS IN THE DAYS WHEN GOD PRESERVED ME！ Job xxix。 2。
151。 Then again； being loth and unwilling to perish； I began to compare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those that were saved； had done as I had done。 So I considered DAVID'S adultery； and murder； and found them most heinous crimes； and those too committed after light and grace received： but yet by considering that his transgressions were only such as were against the law of MOSES； from which the Lord Christ could； with the consent of His word； deliver him： but mine was against the gospel； yea； against the Mediator thereof； I had sold my Saviour。
152。 Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel； when I considered； that； besides the guilt that possessed me； I should be so void of grace； so bewitched。 What； thought I； must it be no sin but this？ Must it needs be the GREAT TRANSGRESSION？ Ps。 xix。 13。 Must THAT WICKED ONE touch my soul？ 1 John v。 18。 Oh！ what sting did I find in all these sentences？
153。 What； thought I； is there but ONE sin that is unpardonable？ but ONE sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God's mercy； and must I be guilty of THAT？ must it needs be that？ Is there but one SIN among SO MANY millions of sins； for which there is no forgiveness； and must I commit this？ Oh！ unhappy SIN！ Oh！ unhappy MAN！ These things would so break and confound my spirit； that I could not tell what to do； I thought at times； they would have broke my wits； and still； to aggravate my misery； that would run in my mind； YOU KNOW； HOW； THAT AFTERWARDS； WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING； HE WAS REJECTED。 OH！ NO ONE KNOWS THE TERRORS OF THOSE DAYS BUT MYSELF。
154。 After this I began to consider of PETER'S sin； which he committed in denying his Master： and indeed； this came nighest to mine of any that I could find； for he had denied his Saviour； as I； after light and mercy received； yea； and that too； after warning given him。 I also considered； that he did it both once and twice； and that； after time to consider betwixt。 But though I put all these circumstances together； that； if possible I might find help； yet I considered again； that his was but A DENIAL OF HIS MASTER； but mine was； A SELLING OF MY SAVIOUR。 Wherefore I thought with myself； that I came nearer to JUDAS； than either to DAVID or PETER。
155。 Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me； yea； it would grind me； as it were
