tp.lightfantastic-第18章

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　'Right；　let's　have　the　other　one；'　said　Bethan。
　'Thish　is　very　kind　of　you。'
　'You'd　have　quite　nice　feet　if　only　you'd　look　after　them。'
　'Can't　sheem　to　bend　down　like　I　used　to；'　said　Cohen；　sheepishly。　'Of　courshe；　you　don't　get　to　meet　many　chiropodishts　in　my　line　of　work。　Funny；　really。　I've　met　any　amount　of　snake　prieshts；　mad　godsh；　warlordsh；　never　any　chiropodishts。　I　shupposhe　it　wouldn't　look　right；　really　…　Cohen　Against　the　Chiropodishts　。　。　。'
　'Or　Cohen　And　The　Chiropractors　of　Doom；'　suggested　Bethan。　Cohen　cackled。
　'Or　Cohen　And　The　Mad　Dentists！'　laughed　Twoflower。
　Cohen's　mouth　snapped　shut。
　'What'sh　sho　funny　about　that？'　he　asked；　and　his　voice　had　knuckles　in　it。
　'Oh；　er；　well；'　said　Twoflower。　Tour　teeth；　you　see　。　。　。'
　'What　about　them？'　snapped　Cohen。
　Twoflower　swallowed。　'I　can't　help　noticing　that　they're；　um；　not　in　the　same　geographical　location　as　your　mouth。'
　Cohen　glared　at　him。　Then　he　sagged；　and　looked　very　small　and　old。
　'True；　of　corsh；'　he　muttered。　'I　don't　blame　you。　It'sh　hard　to　be　a　hero　with　no　teethsh。　It　don't　matter　what　elsh　you　loosh；　you　can　get　by　with　one　eye　even；　but　you　show　'em　a　mouth　full　of　gumsh　and　no…one　hash　any　reshpect。'
　'I　do；'　said　Bethan　loyally。
　'Why　don't　you　get　some　more？'said　Twoflower　brightly。
　'Yesh；　well；　if　I　wash　a　shark　or　something；　yesh；　I'd　grow　shome；'　said　Cohen　sarcastically。
　'Oh；　no；　you　buy　them；'　said　Twoflower。　'Look；　I'll　show　you　…　er；　Bethan；　do　you　mind　looking　the　other　way？'　He　waited　until　she　had　turned　around　and　then　put　his　hand　to　his　mouth。
　'You　shee？'　he　said。
　Bethan　heard　Cohen　gasp。
　'You　can　take　yoursh　out？'
　'Oh　yesh。　I've　got　sheveral　shets。　Excushe　me…'　there　was　a　swallowing　noise；　and　then　in　a　more　normal　voice　Twoflower　said；　'It's　very　convenient；　of　course。'
　Cohen's　very　voice　radiated　awe；　or　as　much　awe　as　is　possible　without　teeth；　which　is　about　the　same　amount　as　with　teeth　but　sounds　a　great　deal　less　impressive。
　'I　should　think　show；'　he　said。　'When　they　ache；　you　jusht　take　them　out　and　let　them　get　on　with　it；　yesh？
　Teach　the　little　buggersh　a　lesshon；　shee　how　they　like　being　left　to　ache　all　by　themshelvesh！'
　That's　not　quite　right；'　said　Twoflower　carefully。　They're　not　mine；　they　just　belong　to　me。'
　'You　put　shomeone　elshe's　teethsh　in　your　mouth？'
　'No；　someone　made　them；　lots　of　people　wear　them　where　I　e　from；　it's　a…'
　But　Twoflower's　lecture　on　dental　appliances　went　ungiven；　because　somebody　hit　him。
　

　The　Disc's　little　moon　toiled　across　the　sky。　It　shone　by　its　own　light；　owing　to　the　cramped　and　rather　inefficient　astronomical　arrangements　made　by　the　Creator；　and　was　quite　crowded　with　assorted　lunar　goddesses　who　were　not；　at　this　particular　time；　paying　much　attention　to　what　went　on　in　the　Disc　but　were　getting　up　a　petition　about　the　Ice　Giants。
　Had　they　looked　down；　they　would　have　seen　Rincewind　talking　urgently　to　a　bunch　of　rocks。
　Trolls　are　one　of　the　oldest　lifeforms　in　the　multiverse；　dating　from　an　early　attempt　to　get　the　whole　life　thing　on　the　road　without　all　that　squashy　protoplasm。　Individual　trolls　live　for　a　long　time；　hibernating　during　the　summertime　and　sleeping　during　the　day；　since　heat　affects　them　and　makes　them　slow。　They　have　a　fascinating　geology。　One　could　talk　about　tribology；　one　could　mention　the　semiconductor　effects　of　impure　silicon；　one　could　talk　about　the　giant　trolls　of　prehistory　who　make　up　most　of　the　Disc's　major　mountain　ranges　and　will　cause　some　real　problems　if　they　ever　awake；　but　the　plain　fact　is　that　without　the　Disc's　powerful　and　pervasive　magical　field　trolls　would　have　died　out　a　long　time　ago。
　Psychiatry　hadn't　been　invented　on　the　Disc。　No…one　had　ever　shoved　an　inkblot　under　Rincewind's　nose　to　see　if　he　had　any　loose　toys　in　the　attic。　So　the　only　way　he'd　have　been　able　to　describe　the　rocks　turning　back　into　rolls　was　by　gabbling　vaguely　about　how　pictures　suddenly　form　when　you　look　at　the　fire；　or　clouds。
　One　minute　there'd　be　a　perfectly　ordinary　rock；　and　suddenly　a　few　cracks　that　had　been　there　all　along　took　on　the　definite　appearance　of　a　mouth　or　a　pointed　ear。　A　moment　later；　and　without　anything　actually　changing　at　all；　a　troll　would　be　sitting　there；　grinning　at　him　with　a　mouth　full　of　diamonds。
　They　wouldn't　be　able　to　digest　me；　he　told　himself。　I'd　make　them　awfully　ill。
　It　wasn't　much　of　a　fort。
　'So　you're　Rincewind　the　wizard；'　said　the　nearest　one。　It　sounded　like　someone　running　over　gravel。　'I　dunno。　I　thought　you'd　be　taller。'
　'Perhaps　he's　eroded　a　bit；'　said　another　one。　'The　legend　is　awfully　old。'
　Rincewind　shifted　awkwardly。　He　was　pretty　certain　the　rock　he　was　sitting　on　was　changing　shape；　and　a　tiny　troll　…　hardly　any　more　than　a　pebble　…　was　sitting　panionably　on　his　foot　and　watching　him　with　extreme　interest。
　'Legend？'　he　said。　'What　legend？'
　'It's　been　handed　down　from　mountain　to　gravel　since　the　sunset＇3＇　of　time；'　said　the　first　troll。　'　〃When　the　red　star　lights　the　sky　Rincewind　the　wizard　will　e　looking　for　onions。　Do　not　bite　him。　It　is　very　important　that　you　help　him　stay　alive。〃　'
　There　was　a　pause。
　'That's　it？'　said　Rincewind。
　'Yes；'　said　the　troll。　'We've　always　been　puzzled　about　it。　Most　of　our　legends　are　much　more　exciting。　It　was　more　interesting　being　a　rock　in　the　old　days。'
　'It　was？'　said　Rincewind　weakly。
　'Oh　yes。　No　end　of　fun。　Volcanoes　all　over　the　place。　It　really　meant　something；　being　a　rock　then。There　was　none　f　this　sedimentary　nonsense；　you　were　igneous　or　nothing。　Of　course；　that's　all　gone　now。　People　call　themselves　trolls　today；　well；　sometimes　they're　hardly　more　than　slate。　Chalk　even。　I　wouldn't　give　myself　airs　if　you　could　use　me　to　draw　with；　would　you？'
　'No；'　said　Rincewind　quickly。　'Absolutely　not；　no。　This；　er；　this　legend　thing。　It　said　you　shouldn't　bite　me？'
　'That's　right！'　said　the　little　troll　on　his　foot；　'and　it　was　me　who　told　you　where　the　onions　were！'
　'We're　rather　glad　you　came　along；'　said　the　first　troll；　which　Rincewind　couldn't　help　noticing　was　the　biggest　one　there。　'We're　a　bit　worried　about　this　new　star。　What　does　it　mean？'
　'I　don't　know；'　said　Rincewind。　'Everyone　seems　to　think　I　know　about　it；　but　I　don't　…'
　'It's　not　that　we　would　mind　being　melted　down；'　said　the　big　troll。　That's　how　we　all　started；　anyway。　But　we　thought；　maybe；　it　might　mean　the　end　of　everything　and　that　doesn't　seem　a　very　good　thing。'
　'It's　getting　bigger；'　said　another　troll。　'Look　at　it　now。　Bigger　than　last　night。'
　Rincewind　looked。　It　was　definitely　bigger　than　last　night。
　'So　we　thought　you　might　have　some　suggestions？'　said　the　head　troll；　as　meekly　as　it　is　possible　to　sound　with　a　voice　like　a　granite　gargle。
　'You　could　jump　over　the　Edge；'　said　Rincewind。　There　must　be　lots　of　places　in　the　universe　that　could　do　with　some　extra　rocks。'
　'We've　heard　about　that；'　said　the　troll。　'We've　met　rocks　that　tried　it。　They　say　you　float　about　for　millions　of　years　and　then　you　get　very　hot　and　burn　away　and　end　up　at　the　bottom　of　a　big　hole　in　the　scenery。　That　doesn't　sound　very　bright。'
　It　stood　up　with　a　noise　like　coal　rattling　down　a　chute；　and　stretched　its　thick；　knobbly　arms。
　'Well；　we're　supposed　to　help　you；'　it　said。　'Anything　you　want　doing？'
　'I　was　supposed　to　be　making　some　soup；'　said　Rincewind。　He　waved　the　onions　vaguely。　It　was　probably　not　the　most　heroic　or　purposeful　gesture　ever　made。
　'Soup？'　said　the　troll。　'Is　that　all？'
　'Well；　maybe　some　biscuits　too。'
　The　trolls　looked　at　one　another；　exposing　enough　mouth　jewellery　to　buy　a　medium…sized　city。
　Eventually　the　biggest　troll　said；　'Soup　it　is；　then。'　It　shrugged　grittily。　'It's　just　that　we　imagined　that　the　legend　would；　well；　be　a　little　more　…　I　don't　know；　somehow　I　thought　…　still；　I　expect　it　doesn't　matter。'
　It　extended　a　hand　like　a　bunch　of　fossil　bananas。
　'I'm　Kwartz；'　it　said。　'That's　Krysoprase　over　there；　and　Breccia；　and　Jasper；　and　my　wife　Beryl　…　she's　la　bit　meta…morphic；　but　who　isn't　these　days？　Jasper；　get　off　his　foot。'
　Rincewind　took　the　hand　gingerly；　bracing　himself　for　the　crunch　of　crushed　bone。　It　didn't　e。　The　troll's　hand　was　rough　and　a　bit　lichenous　around　the　fingernails。
　'I'm　sorry；'　said　Rincewind。　'I　never　really　met　trolls　before。'
　'We're　a　dying　race；'　said　Kwartz　sadly；　as　the　party　set　off　under　the　stars。　'Young　Jasper's　the　only　pebble　in　our　tribe。　We　suffer　from　philosophy；　you　know。'
　'Yes？'　said　Rincewind；　trying　to　keep　up。　The　troll　band　moved　very　quickly；　but　also　very　quietly；　big　round　shapes　moving　like　wraiths　through　the　night。　Only　the　occasional　flat　squeak　of　a　night　creature　who　hadn't　heard　them　approaching　marked　their　passage。
　'Oh；　yes。　Martyrs　to　it。　It　es　to　all　of　us　in　the　end。　One　evening；　they　say；　you　start　to　wake　up　and　then　you　think　〃Why　bother？〃　and　you　just　don't。　See　those　boulders　over　there？'
　Rincewind　saw　some　huge　shapes　lying　in　the　grass。
　'The　one　on　the　end's　my　aunt。　I　don't　know　what's　she's　thinking　about；　but　she　hasn't　moved　for　two　hundred　years。'
　'Gosh；　I'm　sorry。'
　'Oh；　it's　no　problem　with　us　around　to　look　after　them；'　aid　Kwartz。　'Not　many　humans　around　here；　you　see。　I　know　it's　not　your　fault；　but　you　don't　seem　to　be　able　to　spot　the　difference　between　a　thinking　troll　and　an　ordinary　rock。　My　great…uncle　was　actually　quarried；　you　know。'
　'That's　terrible！'
　'Yes；　one　minute　he　was　a　troll；　the　next　he　was　an　ornamental　fireplace。'
　They　paused　in　front　of　a　familiar…looking　cliff。　The　scuffed　remains　of　a　fire　smouldered　in　the　darkness。
　'It　looks　like　there's　been　a　fight；'　said　Beryl。
　'They're　all　gone！'　said　Rincewind。　He　ran　to　the　end　of　the　clearing。　'The　horses；　too！　Even　the　Luggage！'
　'One　of　them's　leaked；'　said　Kwartz；　kneeling　down。　'That　red　watery　stuff　you　have　in　your　insides。　Look。'
　'Blood！'
　'Is　that　what　it's　called？　I've　never　really　seen　the　point　of　it。'
　Rincewind　scuttled　about　in　the　manner　of　one　totally　at　his　wits'　end；　peering　behind　bushes　in　case　anyone　was　hiding　there。　That　was　why　he　tripped　over　a　small　green　bottle。
　'Cohen's　linament！'　he　moaned。　'He　never　goes　anywhere　without　it！'
　'Well；'　said　Kwartz；　'you　humans　have　something　you　can　do；　I　mean　like　when　we　slow　right　down　and　catch　philosophy；　only　you　just　fall　to　bits　…'
　'Dying；　it's　called！'　screamed　Rincewind。
　'That's　it。　They　haven't　done　that；　because　they're　not　here。'
　'Unless　they　were　eaten！'　suggested　Jasper　excitedly。
　'Hmm；'　said　Kwartz；　and；　'Wolves？'　said　Rincewind。
　'We　flattened　all　the　wolves　around　here　years　ago；'　said　the　troll。　'Old　Grandad　did；　anyway。'
　'He　didn't　like　them？'
　'No；　he　just　didn't　used　to　look　where　he　was　going。　Hmm。'　The　trolls　looked　at　the　ground　again。
　'There's　a　trail；'　he　said。　'Quite　a　lot　of　horses。'　He　ooked　up　at　the　nearby　hills；　where　sheer　cliffs　and　dangerous　crags　loomed　over　the　moonlit　forests。
　'Old　Grandad　lives　up　there；'　he　said　quietly。
　There　was　something　about　the　way　he　said　it　that　made　Rincewind　decide　that　he　didn't　ever　want　to　meet　Old　Grandad。
　'Dangerous；　is　he？'　he　ventured。