tp.lightfantastic-第3章

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　Rincewind　had　been　generally　reckoned　by　his　tutors　to　be　a　natural　wizard　in　the　same　way　that　fish　are　natural　mountaineers。　He　probably　would　have　been　thrown　out　of　Unseen　University　anyway　…　he　couldn't　remember　spells　and　smoking　made　him　feel　ill　…　but　what　had　really　caused　trouble　was　all　that　stupid　business　about　sneaking　into　the　room　where　the　Octavo　was　chained　and　opening　it。
　And　what　made　the　trouble　even　worse　was　that　no…one　could　figure　out　why　all　the　locks　had　temporarily　bee　unlocked。
　The　spell　wasn｜t；sa　demanding　lodger。　It　just　sat　there　like　an　old　toad　at　the　bottom　of　a　pond。　But　whenever　Rincewind　was　feeling　really　tired　or　very　afraid　it　tried　to　get　itself　said。　No…one：knew　what　would　happen　if　one　of　the　Eight　Great　Spells　was　said　by　itself；　but　the　general　Agreement　was　that　the　best　place　from　which　to　watch　the　effects　would　be　the　next　universe。
　It　was　a　weird　thought　to　have；　lying　on　a　heap　of　pine　needles　after　just　falling　off　the　edge　of　the　world；　but　Rincewind　had　a　feeling　that　the　spell　wanted　to　keep　him　alive。
　'Suits　me；'　he　thought。
　He　sat　up　and　looked　at　the　trees。　Rincewind　was　a　city　wizard　and；　although　he　was　aware　that　there　were　various　differences　among　types　of　tree　by　which　their　nearest　and　dearest　could　tell　them　apart；　the　only　thing　he　knew　for　certain　was　that　the　end　without　the　leaves　on　fitted　nto　the　ground。　There　were　far　too　many　of　them；　arranged　with　absolutely　no　sense　of　order。　The　place　hadn't　been　swept　for　ages。
　He　remembered　something　about　being　able　to　tell　where　you　were　by　looking　at　which　side　of　a　tree　the　moss　grew　on。　These　trees　had　moss　everywhere；　and　wooden　warts；　and　scrabbly　old　branches；　if　trees　were　people；　these　trees　would　be　sitting　in　rocking　chairs。
　Rincewind　gave　the　nearest　one　a　kick。　With　unerring　aim　it　dropped　an　acorn　on　him。　He　said　'Ow。'　The　tree；　in　a　voice　like　a　very　old　door　swinging　open；　said；　'Serves　you　right。'
　There　was　a　long　silence。
　Then　Rincewind　said；　'Did　you　say　that？'
　'Yes。'
　'And　that　too？'
　'Yes。'
　'Oh。'　He　thought　for　a　bit。　Then　he　tried；　'I　suppose　you　wouldn't　happen　to　know　the　way　out　of　the　forest；　possibly；　by　any　chance？'
　'No。　I　don't　get　about　much；'　said　the　tree。
　'Fairly　boring　life；　I　imagine；'　said　Rincewind。
　'I　wouldn't　know。　I've　never　been　anything　else；'　said　the　tree。
　Rincewind　looked　at　it　closely。　It　seemed　pretty　much　like　every　other　tree　he'd　seen。
　'Are　you　magical？'　he　said。
　'No…one's　ever　said；'　said　the　tree；　'I　suppose　so。'
　Rincewind　thought：　I　can't　be　talking　to　a　tree。　If　I　was　talking　to　a　tree　I'd　be　mad；　and　I'm　not　mad；　so　trees　can't　talk。
　'Goodbye；'　he　said　firmly。
　'Hey；　don't　go；'　the　tree　began；　and　then　realised　the　hopelessness　of　it　all。　It　watched　him　stagger　off　through　the　bushes；　and　settled　down　to　feeling　the　sun　on　its　leaves；　the　slurp　and　gurgle　of　the　water　in　its　roots；　and　the　very　ebb　and　flow　of　its　sap　in　response　to　the　natural　tug　of　the　sun　and　moon。　Boring；　it　thought。　What　a　trange　thing　to　say。　Trees　can　be　bored；　of　course；　beetles　do　it　all　the　time；　but　I　don't　think　that　was　what　he　was　trying　to　mean。　And：　can　you　actually　be　anything　else？　In　fact　Rincewind　never　spoke　to　this　particular　tree　again；　but　from　that　brief　conversation　it　spun　the　basis　of　the　first　tree　religion　which；　in　time；　swept　the　forests　of　the　world。　Its　tenet　of　faith　was　this：　a　tree　that　was　a　good　tree；　and　led　a　clean；　decent　and　upstanding　life；　could　be　assured　of　a　future　life　after　death。　If　it　was　very　good　indeed　it　would　eventually　be　reincarnated　as　five　thousand　rolls　of　lavatory　paper。
　

　A　few　miles　away　Twoflower　was　also　getting　over　his　surprise　at　finding　himself　back　on　the　Disc。　He　was　sitting　on　the　hull　of　the　Potent　Voyager　as　it　gurgled　gradually　under　the　dark　waters　of　a　large　lake；　surrounded　by　trees。
　Strangely　enough；　he　was　not　particularly　worried。　Twoflower　was　a　tourist；　the　first　of　the　species　to　evolve　on　the　Disc；　and　fundamental　to　his　very　existence　was　the　rock…hard　belief　that　nothing　bad　could　really　happen　to　him　because　he　was　not　involved；　he　also　believed　that　anyone　could　understand　anything　he　said　provided　he　spoke　loudly　and　slowly；　that　people　were　basically　trustworthy；　and　that　anything　could　be　sorted　out　among　men　of　goodwill　if　they　just　acted　sensibly。
　On　the　face　of　it　this　gave　him　a　survival　value　marginally　less　than；　say；　a　soap　herring；　but　to　Rincewind's　amazement　it　all　seemed　to　work　and　the　little　man's　total　obliviousness　to　all　forms　of　danger　somehow　made　danger　so　discouraged　that　it　gave　up　and　went　away。
　Merely　being　faced　with　drowning　stood　no　chance。　Twoflower　was　quite　certain　that　in　a　well…organised　society　people　would　not　be　allowed　to　go　around　getting　drowned。
　He　was　a　little　bothered；　though；　about　where　his　Luggage　had　got　to。　But　he　forted　himself　with　the　nowledge　that　it　was　made　of　sapient　pearwood；　and　ought　to　be　intelligent　enough　to　look　after　itself　。　。　。
　

　In　yet　another　part　of　the　forest　a　young　shaman　was　undergoing　a　very　essential　part　of　his　training。　He　had　eaten　of　the　sacred　toadstool；　he　had　smoked　the　holy　rhizome；　he　had　carefully　powdered　up　and　inserted　into　various　orifices　the　mystic　mushroom　and　now；　sitting　crosslegged　under　a　pine　tree；　he　was　concentrating　firstly　on　making　contact　with　the　strange　and　wonderful　secrets　at　the　heart　of　Being　but　mainly　on　stopping　the　top　of　his　head　from　unscrewing　and　floating　away。
　Blue　four…side　triangles　pinwheeled　across　his　vision。　Occasionally　he　smiled　knowingly　at　nothing　very　much　and　said　things　like　'Wow'　and　'Urgh。'
　There　was　a　movement　in　the　air　and　what　he　later　described　as　'like；　a　sort　of　explosion　only　backwards；　you　know？'；　and　suddenly　where　there　had　only　been　nothing　there　was　a　large；　battered；　wooden　chest。
　It　landed　heavily　on　the　leafmould；　extended　dozens　of　little　legs；　and　turned　around　ponderously　to　look　at　the　shaman。　That　is　to　say；　it　had　no　face；　but　even　through　the　mycological　haze　he　was　horribly　aware　that　it　was　looking　at　him。　And　not　a　nice　look；　either。　It　was　amazing　how　baleful　a　keyhole　and　a　couple　of　knotholes　could　be。
　To　his　intense　relief　it　gave　a　sort　of　wooden　shrug；　and　set　off　through　the　trees　at　a　canter。
　With　superhuman　effort　the　shaman　recalled　the　correct　sequence　of　movements　for　standing　up　and　even　managed　a　couple　of　steps　before　he　looked　down　and　gave　up；　having　run　out　of　legs。
　Rincewind；　meanwhile；　had　found　a　path。　It　wound　about　a　good　deal；　and　he　would　have　been　happier　if　it　had　been　cobbled；　but　following　it　gave　him　something　to　do。
　Several　trees　tried　to　strike　up　a　conversation；　but　Rincewind　was　nearly　certain　that　this　was　not　normal　behaviour　for　trees　and　ignored　them。
　The　day　lengthened。　There　was　no　sound　but　the　murmur　of　nasty　little　stinging　insects；　the　occasional　crack　of　a　falling　branch；　and　the　whispering　of　the　trees　discussing　religion　and　the　trouble　with　squirrels。　Rincewind　began　to　feel　very　lonely。　He　imagined　himself　living　in　the　woods　forever；　sleeping　on　leaves　and　eating　。　。　。　and　eating　。　。　。　whatever　there　was　to　eat　in　woods。　Trees；　he　supposed；　and　nuts　and　berries。　He　would　have　to　。　。　。
　'Rincewind！'
　There；　ing　up　the　path；　was　Twoflower　…　dripping　wet；　but　beaming　with　delight。　The　Luggage　trotted　along　behind　him　（anything　made　of　the　wood　would　follow　its　owner　anywhere　and　it　was　often　used　to　make　luggage　for　the　grave　goods　of　very　rich　dead　kings　who　wanted　to　be　sure　of　starting　a　new　life　in　the　next　world　with　clean　underwear）。
　Rincewind　sighed。　Up　to　now；　he'd　thought　the　day　couldn't　possibly　get　worse。
　

　It　began　to　rain　a　particularly　wet　and　cold　rain。　Rincewind　and　Twoflower　sat　under　a　tree　and　watched　it。
　'Rincewind？'
　'Um？'
　'Why　are　we　here？'
　'Well；　some　say　that　the　Creator　of　the　Universe　made　the　Disc　and　everything　on　it；　others　say　that　its　all　a　very　plicated　story　involving　the　testicles　of　the　Sky　God　and　the　milk　of　the　Celestial　Cow；　and　some　even　hold　that　we're　all　just　due　to　the　total　random　accretion　of　probability　particles。　But　if　you　mean　why　are　we　here　as　opposed　to　falling　off　the　Disc；　I　haven't　the　faintest　idea。　It's　probably　all　some　ghastly　mistake。'
　'Oh。　Do　you　think　there's　anything　to　eat　in　this　forest？'
　'Yes；'　said　the　wizard　bitterly；　us。'
　'I've　got　some　acorns；　if　you　like；'　said　the　tree　helpfully。
　They　sat　in　damp　silence　for　some　moments。
　'Rincewind；　the　tree　said…'
　'Trees　can't　talk；'　snapped　Rincewind。　'It's　very　important　to　remember　that。'
　'But　you　just　heard…'
　Rincewind　sighed。　Took；'　he　said。　It's　all　down　to　simple　biology；　isn't　it？　If　you're　going　to　talk　you　need　the　right　equipment；　like　lungs　and　lips　and；　and…'
　'Vocal　chords；'　said　the　tree。
　'Yeah；　them；'　said　Rincewind。　He　shut　up　and　stared　gloomily　at　the　rain。
　'I　thought　wizards　knew　all　about　trees　and　wild　food　and　things；'　said　Twoflower　reproachfully。　It　was　very　seldom　that　anything　in　his　voice　suggested　that　he　thought　of　Rincewind　as　anything　other　than　a　magnificent　enchanter；　and　the　wizard　was　stung　into　action。
　'I　do；　I　do；'　he　snapped。
　'Well；　what　kind　of　tree　is　this？'　said　the　tourist。　Rincewind　looked　up。
　'Beech；'　he　said　firmly。
　'Actually…'　began　the　tree；　and　shut　up　quickly。　It　had　caught　Rincewind's　look。
　'Those　things　up　there　look　like　acorns；'　said　Twoflower。
　'Yes；　well；　this　is　the　sessile　or　heptocarpic　variety；'　said　Rincewind。　The　nuts　look　very　much　like　acorns；　in　fact。　They　can　fool　practically　anybody。'
　'Gosh；'　said　Twoflower；　and；　What's　that　bush　over　there；　then？'
　'Mistletoe。'
　'But　it's　got　thorns　and　red　berries！'
　'Well？'　said　Rincewind　sternly；　and　stared　hard　at　him。　Twoflower　broke　first。
　'Nothing；'　he　said　meekly。　'I　must　have　been　misinformed。'
　'Right。'
　'But　there's　some　big　mushrooms　under　it。　Can　you　eat　them？'
　Rincewind　looked　at　them　cautiously。　They　were；　indeed；　very　big；　and　had　red　and　white　spotted　caps。　They　were　in　fact　a　variety　that　the　local　shaman　（who　at　this　point　was　some　miles　away；　making　friends　with　a　rock）　would　only　eat　after　first　attaching　one　leg　to　a　large　stone　with　a　rope。　There　was　nothing　for　it　but　to　go　out　in　the　rain　and　look　at　them。
　He　knelt　down　in　the　leafmould　and　peered　under　the　cap。　After　a　while　he　said　weakly；　'No；　no　good　to　eat　at　all。'
　'Why？'　called　Twoflower。　'Are　the　gills　the　wrong　shade　of　yellow？'
　'No；　not　really　。　。　。'
　'I　expect　the　stems　haven't　got　the　right　kind　of　fluting；　then。'
　'They　look　okay；　actually。'
　'The　cap；　then；　I　expect　the　cap　is　the　wrong　colour；'　said　Twoflower。
　'Not　sure　about　that。'
　'Well　then；　why　can't　you　eat　them？'
　Rincewind　coughed。　It's　the　little　doors　and　windows；'　he　said　wretchedly；　'it's　a　dead　giveaway。'
　

　Thunder　rolled　across　Unseen　University。　Rain　poured　over　its　roofs　and　gurgled　out　of　its　gargoyles；　although　one　or　two　of　the　more　cunning　ones　had　scuttled　off　to　shelter　among　the　maze　of　tiles。
　Far　below；　in　the　Great　Hall；　the　eight　most　powerful　wizards　on　the　Discworld　gathered　at　the　angles　of　a　ceremonial　octogram