cb.imajica1-第21章

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　her　adolescence　whatsoever；　nor　her　childhood；　could　not　picture　her　parents　or　even　name　them。　This　inability　to　hold　on　to　history　didn't　much　concern　her　（she　knew　no　other）；　until　she　encountered　somebody　like　Taylor；　who　took　such　satisfaction　from　memory。　She　hoped　he　still　did；　it　was　one　of　the　few　pleasures　left　to　him。
　She'd　first　heard　news　of　his　sickness　the　previous　July；　from　his　lover；　Clem。　Despite　the　fact　that　he　and　Taylor　had　lived　the　same　high　life　together；　the　plague　had　passed　Clem　by；　and　Jude　had　spent　several　nights　with　him；　talking　through　the　guilt　he　felt　at　what　he　saw　as　an　undeserved　escape。　Their　paths　had　diverged　through　the　autumn　months；　however；　and　she　was　surprised　to　find　an　invitation　to　their　Christmas　party　awaiting　her　when　she　got　back　from　New　York。　Still　feeling　delicate　after　all　that　had　happened；　she'd　rung　up　to　decline；　only　to　have　Clem　quietly　tell　her　that　Taylor　was　not　expected　to　see　another　spring；　never　mind　another　summer。　Would　she　not　e；　for　his　sake？　She　of　course　accepted。　If　any　of　her　circle　could　make　good　times　of　bad　it　was　Taylor　and　Clem；　and　she　owed　them　both　her　best　efforts　in　that　endeavor。　Was　it　perhaps　because　she'd　had　so　many　difficulties　with　the　heterosexual　males　in　her　life　that　she　relaxed　in　the　pany　of　men　for　whom　her　sex　were　not　contested　terrain？
　At　a　little　after　eight　in　the　evening　of　Christmas　Day；　Clem　opened　the　door　and　ushered　her　in；　claiming　a　kiss　beneath　the　sprig　of　mistletoe　in　the　hallway　before；　as　he　put　it；　the　barbarians　were　upon　her。　The　house　had　been　decorated　as　it　might　have　been　a　century　earlier；　tinsel；　fake　snow；　and　fairy　lights　forsaken　in　favor　of　evergreen；　hung　in　such　abundance　around　the　walls　and　mantelpieces　that　the　rooms　were　half　forested。　Clem；　whose　youth　had　outrun　the　toll　of　years　for　so　long；　was　not　such　a　healthy　sight。　Five　months　before　he'd　looked　a　fleshy　thirty　in　a　flattering　light。　Now　he　looked　ten　years　older　at　least；　his　bright　wele　and　flattery　unable　to　conceal　his　fatigue。
　〃You　wore　green；〃　he　said　as　he　escorted　her　in　to　the　lounge。　〃I　told　Taylor　you'd　do　that。　Green　eyes；　green　dress。〃
　〃Do　you　approve？〃
　〃Of　course！　We're　having　a　pagan　Christmas　this　year。　Dies　natalis　soils　invictus。〃
　〃What's　that？〃
　〃The　Birth　of　the　Unconquered　Sun；〃　he　said。　〃The　Light　of　the　World。　We　need　a　little　of　that　right　now。〃
　〃Do　I　know　many　people　here？〃　she　said；　before　they　stepped　into　the　hub　of　the　party。
　〃Everybody　knows　you；　darling；〃　he　said　fondly。　〃Even　the　people　who've　never　met　you。〃
　There　were　many　faces　she　knew　awaiting　them；　and　it　took　her　five　minutes　to　get　across　to　where　Taylor　was　sitting；　lord　of　all　he　surveyed；　in　a　well…cushioned　chair　close　to　the　roaring　fire。　She　tried　not　to　register　the　shock　she　felt　at　the　sight　of　him。　He'd　lost　almost　all　of　what　had　once　been　a　leonine　head　of　hair；　and　every　spare　ounce　of　substance　from　the　face　beneath。　His　eyes；　which　had　always　been　his　most　penetrating　feature　（one　of　the　many　things　they'd　had　in　mon）；　seemed　enormous　now；　as　though　to　devour　in　the　time　he　had　left　the　sights　his　demise　would　deny　him。　He　opened　his　arms　to　her。
　〃Oh；　my　sweet；〃　he　said。　〃Give　me　a　hug。　Excuse　me　if　I　don't　get　up。〃
　She　bent　and　hugged　him。　He　was　skin　and　bone；　and　cold；　despite　the　fire　close　by。
　〃Has　Clem　got　you　some　punch？〃
　〃I'm　on　my　way；〃　Clem　said。
　〃Get　me　another　vodka　while　you're　at　it〃　Taylor　said；　imperious　as　ever。
　〃I　thought　we'd　agreed…〃　Clem　said。
　〃I　know　it's　bad　for　me。　But　staying　sober's　worse。〃
　〃It's　your　funeral；〃　Clem　said；　with　a　bluntness　Jude　found　shocking。　But　he　and　Taylo*　eyed　each　other　with　a　kind　of　adoring　ferocity；　and　she　saw　in　the　look　how　Clem's　cruelty　was　part　of　their　mechanism　for　dealing　with　this　tragedy。
　〃You　wish；〃　Taylor　said。　〃I'll　have　an　orange　juice。　No；　make　that　a　Virgin　Mary。　Let's　be　seasonal　about　it。〃
　〃1　thought　you　were　having　a　pagan　celebration；〃　Jude　said　as　Clem　headed　away　to　fetch　the　drinks。
　〃I　don't　see　why　the　Christians　should　have　the　Holy　Mother；〃　Taylor　said。　〃They　don't　know　what　to　do　with　her　when　they've　got　her。　Pull　up　a　chair；　sweetie。　I　heard　a　rumor　you　were　in　foreign　climes。〃
　〃I　was。　But　I　came　back　at　the　last　minute。　I　had　some　problems　in　New　York。〃
　〃Whose　heart　did　you　break　this　time？〃
　〃It　wasn't　that　kind　of　problem。〃
　〃Well？〃　he　said。　〃Be　a　telltale。　Tell　Taylor。〃
　This　was　a　bad　joke　from　way　back；　and　it　brought　a　smile　to　Judith's　lips。　It　also　brought　the　story；　which　she'd　e　here　swearing　she'd　keep　to　herself。
　〃Somebody　tried　to　murder　me；〃　she　said。
　〃You're　jesting；〃　he　replied。
　〃I　wish　I　was。〃
　〃What　happened？〃　he　said。　〃Spill　the　beans。　I　like　hearing　other　people's　bad　news　just　at　the　moment。　The　worse；　the　better。〃
　She　slid　her　palm　over　Taylor's　bony　hand。　〃Tell　me　how　you　are　first。〃
　〃Grotesque；〃　he　said。　〃Clem's　wonderful；　of　course；　but　all　the　tender　loving　care　in　the　world　won't　make　me　healthy。　I　have　bad　days　and　good　days。　Mostly　bad　lately。　I　am；　as　my　ma　used　to　say；　not　long　for　this　world。〃　He　glanced　up。　〃Look　out；　here　es　Saint　Clemence　of　the　Bedpan。　Change　the　subject。　Clem；　did　Judy　tell　you　somebody　tried　to　kill　her？〃
　〃No。　Where　was　this？〃
　〃In　Manhattan。〃
　〃A　mugger？〃
　〃No。〃
　〃Not　someone　you　knew？〃　Taylor　said。
　Now　she　was　on　the　point　of　telling　the　whole　thing；　and　she　wasn't　sure　she　wanted　to。　But　Taylor　had　an　anticipatory　gleam　in　his　eye；　and　she　couldn't　bear　to　disappoint　him。　She　began；　her　account　punctuated　by　exclamations　of　delighted　incredulity　from　Taylor；　and　she　found　herself　rising　to　her　audience　as　though　this　story　were　not　the　grim　truth　but　a　preposterous　fiction。　Only　once　did　she　lose　her　momentum；　when　she　mentioned　Gentle's　name；　and　Clem　broke　in　to　say　that　he'd　been　invited　tonight。　Her　heart　tripped　and　took　a　beat　to　get　back　into。its　rhythm。
　〃Tell　the　rest；〃　Taylor　was　exhorting　her。　〃What　happened？〃
　She　went　on　with　her　story；　but　now；　with　her　back　to　the　door；　she　found　herself　wondering　every　moment　if　he　was　stepping　through　it。　Her　distraction　took　its　toll　on　the　narrative。　But　then　perhaps　a　tale　about　murder　told　by　the　prey　was　bound　to　predictability。　She　wrapped　it　up　with　undue　haste。
　〃The　point　is；　I'm　alive；〃　she　said。　〃I'll　drink　to　that；〃　Taylor　replied；　passing　his　unsipped　Virgin　Mary　back　to　Clem。　〃Maybe　just　a　splash　of　vodka？〃　he　pleaded。　〃I'll　take　the　consequences。〃
　Clem　made　a　reluctant　shrug　and；　claiming　Jude's　empty　glass；　wended　his　way　back　through　the　crowd　to　the　drinks　table；　giving　Jude　an　excuse　for　turning　around　and　scanning　the　room。　Half　a　dozen　new　faces　had　appeared　since　she'd　sat　down。　Gentle　was　not　among　them。
　〃Looking　for　Mr。　Right？〃　Taylor　said。　〃He's　not　here　yet。〃
　She　looked　back　to　meet　his　amusement。
　〃I　don't　know　who　you're　talking　about；〃　she　said。
　〃Mr。　Zacharias。〃
〃What's　so　funny？〃
　〃You　and　him。　The　most　talked…about　affair　of　the　last　decade。　You　know；　when　you　mention　him；　your　voice　changes。　It　gets…〃
　〃Venomous。〃
　〃Breathy。　Yearning。〃
　〃I　don't　yearn　for　Gentle。〃
　〃My　mistake；〃　he　said　archly。　〃Was　he　good　in　bed？〃
　〃I've　had　better。〃
　〃You　want　to　know　something　I　never　told　anybody？〃
　He　leaned　forward；　the　smile　being　more　pained。　She　thought　it　was　his　aching　body　that　brought　the　frown　to　his　brow；　until　she　heard　his　words。
　〃I　was　in　love　with　Gentle　from　the　moment　I　met　him。　I　tried　everything　to　get　him　into　bed。　Got　him　drunk。　Got　him　high。　Nothing　worked。　But　I　kept　at　him；　and　about　six　years　ago…〃
　Clem　appeared　at　this　juncture；　supplying　Taylor　and　Jude　with　replenished　glasses　before　heading　off　to　wele　a　fresh　influx　of　guests。
　〃You　slept　with　Gentle？〃　Jude　said。
　〃Not　exactly。　I　mean；　I　sort　of　talked　him　into　letting　me　give　him　a　blow　job。　He　was　very　high。　Grinning　that　grin　of　his。　I　used　to　worship　that　grin。　So　there　I　am；〃　Taylor　went　on；　as　lascivious　as　he'd　ever　been　when　recounting　his　conquests；　〃trying　to　get　him　hard；　and　he　starts　。　。　。　I　don't　know　how　to　explain　this　。　。　。　I　suppose　he　began　speaking　in　tongues。　He　was　lying　back　on　my　bed　with　his　trousers　around　his　ankles；　and　he　just　started　to　talk　in　some　other　language。　Nothing　vaguely　recognizable。　It　wasn't　Spanish。　It　wasn't　French。　I　don't　know　what　it　was。　And　you　know　what？　I　lost　my　hard…on；　and　he　got　one。〃　He　laughed　uproariously；　but　not　for　long。　The　laugh　went　from　his　face；　as　he　began　again。　〃You　know；　I　was　a　little　afraid　of　him　suddenly。　I　was　actually　afraid。　I　couldn't　finish　what　I'd　started。　I　got　up　and　left　him　to　it；　lying　there　with　his　dick　sticking　up；　speaking　in　tongues。〃　He　claimed　her　drink　from　her　hand　and　took　a　throatful。　The　memory　had　clearly　shaken　him。　There　was　a　mottled　rash　on　his　neck；　and　his　eyes　were　glistening。
　〃Did　you　ever　hear　anything　like　that　from　him？〃　She　shook　her　head。　〃I　only　ask　because　I　know　you　broke　up　very　quickly。　I　wondered　if　he'd　freaked　you　out　for　some　reason。〃
　〃No。　He　just　fucked　around　too　much。〃
　Taylor　made　a　nonmittal　grunt；　then　said；　〃I　get　these　night　sweats　now；　you　know；　and　I　have　to　get　up　sometimes　at　three　in　the　morning　and　let　Clem　change　the　sheets。　I　don't　know　whether　I'm　awake　or　asleep　half　the　time。　And　all　kinds　of　memories　are　ing　back　to　me。　Things　I　haven't　thought　about　in　years。　One　of　them　was　that。　I　can　hear　him；　when　I'm　standing　there　in　a　pool　of　sweat。　Hear　him　talking　like　he's　possessed。〃
　〃And　you　don't　like　it？〃
　〃I　don't　know；〃　he　said。　〃Memories　mean　different　things　to　me　now。　I　dream　about　my　mother；　and　it's　like　I　want　to　crawl　back　into　her　and　be　born　all　over　again。　I　dream　about　Gentle；　and　I　wonder　why　I　let　all　these　mysteries　in　my　life　go。　Things　it's　too　late　to　solve　now。　Being　in　love。　Speaking　in　tongues。　It's　all　one　in　the　end。　I　haven't　understood　any　of　it。〃　He　shook　his　head　and　shook　down　tears　at　the　same　time。　〃I'm　sorry；〃　he　said。　〃I　always　get　maudlin　at　Christmas。　Will　you　fetch　Clem　for　me？　I　need　the　bathroom。〃
　〃Can't　I　help？〃
　〃There's　some　things　I　still　need　Clem　for。　Thanks　anyway。〃
　〃No　problem。〃
　〃And　for　listening。〃
　She　threaded　her　way　to　where　Clem　was　chatting　and　discreetly　informed　him　of　Taylor's　request。
　〃You　know　Simone；　don't　you？〃　Clem　said　by　way　of　an　exit；　and　left　Jude　to　talk。
　She　did　indeed　know　Simone；　though　not　well；　and　after　the　conversation　she'd　just　had　with　Taylor；　she　found　it　difficult　to　whip　up　a　social　souffle。　But　Simone　was　almost　flirtatiously　excessive　in　her　responses；　unleashing　a　gurgling　laugh　at　the　merest　hint　of　a　cue　and　fingering　her　neck　as　though　to　mark　the　places　she　wanted　kissed。　Jude　was　silently　rehearsing　a　polite　refusal　when　she　caught　Si…mone's　glance；　ill　concealed　in　a　particularly　extravagant　laugh；　flitting　towards　somebody　elsewhere　in　the　crowd。　Irritated　to　be　cast　as　a　stooge　for　the　woman's　vamping；　she　said；　〃Who　is　he？〃
　〃Who's　who？〃　Simone　said；　flustered　and　blushing。　〃Oh；　I'm　sorry。　It's　just　some　man　who　keeps　staring　at　me。〃
　Her　gaze　went　back　to　her　admirer；　and　as　it　did　so　Jude　was　seized　by　the　utter　certainty　that　if　she　were　to