cb.imajica1-第29章

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im。〃
　〃It　was　Judy；　not　me；〃　Clem　said。
　〃Oh；　Judy。　She's　a　wonder；〃　Taylor　murmured。
　He　tried　to　reposition　himself　on　the　pillow；　but　the　effort　was　beyond　him。　His　breathing　became　instantly　arduous；　and　he　flinched　at　some　disfort　the　motion　brought。
　〃Do　you　want　a　painkiller？〃　Clem　asked　him。
　〃No；　thanks；〃　he　said。　〃I　want　to　be　clearheaded；　so　Gentle　and　I　can　talk。〃　He　looked　across　at　his　visitor；　who　was　still　lingering　at　the　door。　〃Will　you　talk　to　me　for　a　while；　John？〃　he　said。　〃Just　the　two　of　us？〃
　〃Of　course；〃　Gentle　said。
　Clem　moved　from　beside　the　bed　and　beckoned　Gentle　across。　There　was　a　chair；　but　Taylor　patted　the　bed；　and　it　was　there　Gentle　sat；　hearing　the　crackle　of　the　plastic　un…dersheet　as　he　did　so。
　〃Call　if　you　need　anything；〃　Clem　said；　the　remark　directed　not　at　Taylor　but　at　Gentle。　Then　he　left　them　alone。
　〃Could　you　pour　me　a　glass　of　water？〃　Taylor　asked。
　Gentle　did　so；　realizing　as　he　passed　it　to　Taylor　that　his　friend　lacked　the　strength　to　hold　it　for　himself。　He　put　it　to　Taylor's　lips。　There　was　a　salve　on　them；　which　moistened　them　lightly；　but　they　were　still　split；　and　puffy　with　sores。　After　a　few　sips　Taylor　murmured　something。
　〃Enough？〃　Gentle　said。
　〃Yes；　thanks；〃　Taylor　replied。　Gentle　set　the　glass　down。　〃I've　had　just　about　enough　of　everything。　It's　time　it　was　all　over。〃
　〃You'll　get　strong　again。〃
　〃I　didn't　want　to　see　you　so　we　could　sit　and　lie　to　each　other；〃　Taylor　said。　〃I　wanted　you　here　so　I　could　tell　you　how　much　I've　been　thinking　about　you。　Night　and　day。　Gentle。〃
　〃I'm　sure　I　don't　deserve　that。〃
　〃My　subconscious　thinks　you　do；〃　Taylor　replied。　〃And；　while　we're　being　honest；　the　rest　of　me　too。　You　don't　look　as　if　you're　getting　enough　sleep；　Gentle。〃
　〃I've　been　working；　that's　all。〃
　〃Painting？〃
　〃Some　of　the　time。　Looking　for　inspiration；　you　know。〃
　〃I've　got　a　confession　to　make；〃　Taylor　said。　〃But　first；　you've　got　to　promise　you　won't　be　angry　with　me。〃
　〃What　have　you　done？〃
　〃I　told　Judy　about　the　night　we　got　together；〃　Taylor　said。　He　stared　at　Gentle　as　if　expecting　there　to　be　some　eruption。　When　there　was　none；　he　went　on；　〃I　know　it　was　no　big　deal　to　you；〃　he　said。　〃But　it's　been　on　my　mind　a　lot。　You　don't　mind；　do　you？〃
　Gentle　shrugged。　〃I'm　sure　it　didn't　e　as　any　big　surprise　to　her。〃
　Taylor　turned　his　hand　palm　up　on　the　sheet；　and　Gentle　took　it。　There　was　no　power　in　Taylor's　fingers；　but　he　closed　them　round　Gentle's　hand　with　what　little　strength　he　had。　His　grip　was　cold。
　〃You're　shaking；〃　Taylor　said。；
　〃I　haven't　eaten　in　a　while；〃　Gentle　said。
　〃You　should　keep　your　strength　up。　You're　a　busy　man。〃
　〃Sometimes　I　need　to　float　a　little　bit；〃　Gentle　replied。
　Taylor　smiled；　and　there　in　his　wasted　features　was　a　phantom　glimpse　of　the　beauty　he'd　had。
　〃Oh；　yes；〃　he　said。　〃I　float　all　the　time。　I've　been　all　over　the　room。　I've　even　been　outside　the　window；　looking　in　at　myself。　That's　the　way　it'll　be　when　I　go；　Gentle。　I'll　float　off；　only　that　one　time　I　won't　e　back。　I　know　Clem's　going　to　miss　me…we've　had　half　a　lifetime　together…but　you　and　Judy　will　be　kind　to　him；　won't　you？　Make　him　understand　how　things　are；　if　you　can。　Tell　him　how　I　floated　off。　He　doesn't　want　to　hear　me　talk　that　way；　but　you　understand。〃
　〃I'm　not　sure　I　do。〃
　〃You're　an　artist；〃　he　said。
　〃I'm　a　faker。〃
　〃Not　in　my　dreams；　you're　not。　In　my　dreams　you　want　to　heal　me；　and　you　know　what　I　say？　I　tell　you　I　don't　want　to　get　well。　I　say　I　want　to　be　out　in　the　light。〃
　〃That　sounds　like　a　good　place　to　be；〃　Gentle　said。
　〃Maybe　Til　join　you。〃
　〃Are　things　so　bad？　Tell　me。　I　want　to　hear。〃
　〃My　whole　life's　fucked；　Tay。〃
　〃You　shouldn't　be　so　hard　on　yourself。　You're　a　good　man。〃
　〃You　said　we　wouldn't　tell　lies。〃
　〃That's　no　lie。　You　are。　You　just　need　someone　to　remind　you　once　in　a　while。　Everybody　does。　Otherwise　we　slip　back　into　the　mud；　you　know？〃
　Gentle　took　tighter　hold　of　Taylor's　hand。　There　was　so　much　in　him　he　had　neither　the　form　nor　the　prehension　to　express。　Here　was　Taylor　pouring　out　his　heart　about　love　and　dreams　and　how　it　was　going　to　be　when　he　died；　and　what　did　he；　Gentle；　have　by　way　of　contribution？　At　best；　confusion　and　forgetfulness。　Which　of　them　was　the　sicker；　then？　he　found　himself　thinking。　Taylor；　who　was　frail　but　able　to　speak　his　heart？　Or　himself；　whole　but　silent？　Determined　he　wouldn't　part　from　this　man　without　attempting　to　share　something　of　what　had　happened　to　him；　he　fumbled　for　some　words　of　explanation。
　〃I　think　I　found　somebody；〃　he　said。　〃Somebody　to　help　me　。　。　。　remember　myself。〃
　〃That's　good。〃
　〃I'm　not　sure；〃　he　said；　his　voice　gossamer。　〃I've　seen　some　things　in　the　last　few　weeks；　Tay　。　。　。　things　I　didn't　want　to　believe　until　I　had　no　choice。　Sometimes　I　think　I'm　going　crazy。〃
　'Tell　me。〃
　〃There　was　someone　in　New　York　who　tried　to　kill　Jude。〃
　〃I　know。　She　told　me　about　it。　What　about　him？〃　His　eyes　widened。　〃Is　this　the　somebody？〃　he　said。
　〃It's　not　a　he。〃
　〃I　thought　Judy　said　it　was　a　man。〃
　〃It's　not　a　man；〃　Gentle　said。　〃It's　not　a　woman；　either。　It's　not　even　human；　Tay。〃
　〃What　is　it　then？〃
　〃Wonderful；〃　he　said　quietly。
　He　hadn't　dared　use　a　word　like　that；　even　to　himself。　But　anything　less　was　a　lie；　and　lies　weren't　wele　here。
　〃I　told　you　I　was　going　crazy。　But　I　swear　if　you　had　seen　the　way　it　changed　。　。　。　it　was　like　nothing　on　earth。〃
　〃And　where　is　it　now？〃
　〃I　think　it's　dead；〃　Gentle　replied。　〃I　wasted　too　long　to　find　it。　I　tried　to　forget　I'd　ever　set　eyes　on　it。　I　was　afraid　of　what　it　was　stirring　up　in　me。　And　then　when　that　didn't　work　I　tried　to　paint　it　out　of　my　system。　But　it　wouldn't　go。　Of　course；　it　wouldn't　go。　It　was　part　of　me　by　that　time。　And　then　when　I　finally　went　to　find　it。　。　。　it　was　too　late。〃　〃Are　you　sure？〃　Taylor　said。　Knots　of　disfort　had　appeared　on　his　face；　as　Gentle　talked；　and　were　tightenin￡…〃Are　you　all　right？〃
　〃Yes；　yes；〃　he　said。　〃I　want　to　hear　the　rest。〃
　〃There's　nothing　else　to　hear。　Maybe　Pie's　out　there　somewhere；　but　I　don't　know　where。〃
　〃Is　that　why　you　want　to　float？　Are　you　hoping…〃　He　stopped；　his　breathing　suddenly　turning　into　gasps。　〃You　know；　maybe　you　should　fetch　Clem；〃　he　said。
　〃Of　course。〃
　Gentle　went　to　the　door；　but　before　he　reached　it　Taylor　said；　〃You've　got　to　understand。　Gentle。　Whatever　the　mystery　is；　you'll　have　to　see　it　for　us　both。〃
　With　his　hand　on　the　door；　and　ample　reason　to　beat　a　hasty　retreat；　Gentle　knew　he　could　still　choose　silence　over　a　reply；　could　take　his　leave　of　the　ancient　without　accepting　the　quest。　But　if　he　answered；　and　took　it；　he　was　bound。
　〃I'm　going　to　understand；〃　he　said；　meeting　Taylor's　despairing　gaze。　〃We　both　are。　I　swear。〃
　Taylor　managed　to　smile　in　response；　but　it　was　fleeting。　Gentle　opened　the　door　and　headed　out　onto　the　landing。　Clem　was　waiting。
　〃He　needs　you；〃　Gentle　said。
　Clem　stepped　inside　and　closed　the　bedroom　door。　Feeling　suddenly　exiled；　Gentle　headed　downstairs。　Jude　was　sitting　at　the　kitchen　table；　playing　with　a　piece　of　rock。
　〃How　is　he？〃　she　wanted　to　know。
　〃Not　good；〃　Gentle　said。　〃Clem's　gone　in　to　look　after　him。〃
　〃Do　you　want　some　tea？〃
　〃No；　thanks。　What　I　really　need's　some　fresh　air。　I　think　I'll　take　a　walk　around　the　block。〃
　There　was　a　fine　drizzle　falling　when　he　stepped　outside；　which　was　wele　after　the　suffocating　heat　of　the　sickroom。　He　knew　the　neighborhood　scarcely　at　all；　so　he　decided　to　stay　close　to　the　house；　but　his　distraction　soon　got　the　better　of　that　plan　and　he　wandered　aimlessly；　lost　in　thought　and　the　maze　of　streets。　There　was　a　freshness　in　the　wind　that　made　him　sigh　for　escape。　This　was　no　place　to　solve　mysteries。　After　the　turn　of　the　year　everybody　would　be　stepping　up　to　a　new　round　of　resolutions　and　ambitions；　plotting　their　futures　like　well…oiled　farces。　He　wanted　none　of　it。
　As　he　began　the　trek　back　to　the　house　he　remembered　that　Jude　had　asked　him　to　pick　up　milk　and　cigarettes　on　his　journey；　and　that　he　was　returning　empty…handed。　He　turned　and　went　in　search　of　both；　which　took　him　longer　than　he　expected。　When　he　finally　rounded　the　corner；　goods　in　hand；　there　was　an　ambulance　outside　the　house。　The　front　door　was　open。　Jude　stood　on　the　step；　watching　the　drizzle。　She　had　tears　on　her　face。
　〃He's　dead；〃　she　said。
　He　stood　rooted　to　the　spot　a　yard　from　her。　〃When？〃　he　said；　as　if　it　mattered。
　〃Just　after　you　left。〃
　He　didn't　want　to　weep；　not　with　her　watching。　There　was　too　much　else　he　didn't　want　to　stumble　over　in　her　presence。　Stony；　he　said；　〃Where's　Clem？〃
　〃With　him　upstairs。　Don't　go　up。　There's　already　too　many　people。〃　She　spied　the　cigarettes　in　his　hand　and　reached　for　them。　As　her　hand　grazed　his；　their　grief　ran　between　them。　Despite　his　intent；　tears　sprang　to　his　eyes；　and　he　went　into　her　embrace；　both　of　them　sobbing　freely；　like　enemies　joined　by　a　mon　loss　or　lovers　about　to　be　parted。　Or　else　souls　who　could　not　remember　whether　they　were　lovers　or　enemies　and　were　weeping　at　their　own　confusion。
　
　
　16
　
　Since　the　meeting　at　which　the　subject　of　the　Tabula　Rasa's　library　had　first　been　raised；　Bloxham　had　several　times　planned　to　perform　the　duty　he'd　volunteered　himself　for　and　go　into　the　bowels　of　the　tower　to　check　on　the　security　of　the　collection。　But　he'd　twice　put　off　the　task；　telling　himself　that　there　were　more　urgent　claims　on　his　time：　specifically；　the　organization　of　the　Society's　Great　Purge。　He　might　have　postponed　a　third　time　had　the　matter　not　been　raised　again；　this　in　a　casual　aside　from　Charlotte　Feaver；　who'd　been　equally　vociferous　about　the　safety　of　the　books　at　that　first　gathering　and　now　offered　to　acpany　him　on　the　investigation。　Women　baffled　Bloxham；　and　the　attraction　they　exercised　over　him　had　always　to　be　set　beside　the　disfort　he　felt　in　their　pany；　but　in　recent　days　he'd　felt　an　intensity　of　sexual　need　he'd　seldom；　if　ever；　experienced　before。　Not　even　in　the　privacy　of　his　own　prayers　did　he　dare　confess　the　reason。　The　Purge　excited　him…it　roused　his　blood　and　his　manhood…and　he　had　no　doubt　that　Charlotte　had　responded　to　this　heat；　even　though　he'd　made　no　outward　show　of　it。　He　promptly　accepted　her　offer；　and　at　her　suggestion　they　agreed　to　meet　at　the　tower　on　the　last　evening　of　the　old　year。　He　brought　a　bottle　of　champagne。
　〃We　may　as　well　enjoy　ourselves；〃　he　said；　as　they　headed　down　through　the　remains　of　Roxborough's　original　house；　a　floor　of　which　had　been　preserved　and　concealed　within　the　plainer　walls　of　the　tower。
　Neither　of　them　had　ventured　into　this　underworld　for　many　years。　It　was　more　primitive　than　either　of　them　remembered。　Electric　Hght　had　been　crudely　installed…cables　from　which　bare　bulbs　hung　looped　along　the　passages…but　otherwise　the　place　was　just　as　it　had　been　in　the　first　years　of　the　Tabula　Rasa。　The　cellars　had　been　built　for　the　express　purpose　of　housing　the　Society's　collection；　thus　for　the　millennium。　A　fan　of　identical　corridors　spread　from　the　bottom　stairs；　lined　on　both　sides　with　shelves　that　rose　up　the　brick　walls　to　the　curve　of　the　ceilings。　The　intersections　were　elaborately　vaulted；