fh.godemperorofdune-第49章

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　〃You　still　have　this。。。pain？〃
　〃It's　only　a　soft　burning　now。　That's　one　of　the　signs　of　my　final　metamorphosis。　In　a　few　hundred　years；　I'll　be　back　under　the　sand。〃
　He　saw　her　clench　her　fists　at　her　sides。　〃Why？〃　she　demanded。　〃Why　did　you　do　this？〃
　〃This　change　isn't　all　bad。　Today；　for　example；　has　been　very　pleasant。　I　feel　quite　mellow。〃
　〃There　are　changes　we　cannot　see；〃　she　said。　〃I　know　there　must　be。〃　She　relaxed　her　hands。
　〃My　sight　and　hearing　have　bee　extremely　acute；　but　not　my　sense　of　touch。　Except　for　my　face；　I　don't　feel　things　the　way　I　could　once。　I　miss　that。〃
　Again；　he　noted　the　reluctant　sympathy；　the　striving　toward　an　empathic　understanding。　She　wanted　to　know！
　〃When　you　live　so　long；〃　she　said；　〃how　does　the　passage　of　Time　feel？　Does　it　move　more　rapidly　as　the　years　go　by？〃
　〃That's　a　strange　thing；　Siona。　Sometimes；　Time　rushes　by　me；　sometimes；　it　creeps。〃
　Gradually；　as　they　spoke；　Leto　had　been　dimming　the　concealed　lights　of　his　aerie；　moving　his　cart　closer　and　closer　to　Siona。　Now；　he　shut　off　the　lights；　leaving　only　the　moon。　The　front　of　his　cart　protruded　onto　the　balcony；　his　face　only　about　two　meters　from　Siona。
　〃My　father　tells　me；〃　she　said；　〃that　the　older　you　get；　the　slower　your　time　goes。　Is　that　what　you　told　him？〃
　Testing　my　veracity；　he　thought。　She's　not　a　Truthsayer；　then。
　〃All　things　are　relative；　but　pared　to　the　human　timesense；　this　is　true。〃
　〃Why？〃
　〃It　is　involved　in　what　I　will　bee。　At　the　end；　Time　will　stop　for　me　and　I　will　be　frozen　like　a　pearl　caught　in　ice。　My　new　bodies　will　scatter；　each　with　a　pearl　hidden　within　it。〃
　She　turned　and　looked　away　from　him；　peering　out　at　the　desert；　speaking　without　looking　at　him。
　〃When　I　talk　to　you　like　this　here　in　the　darkness　I　can　almost　forget　what　you　are。〃
　〃That's　why　I　chose　this　hour　for　our　meeting。〃
　〃But　why　this　place？〃　。
　〃Because　it　is　the　last　place　where　I　can　feel　at　home。〃
　Siona　turned　against　the　rail；　leaning　on　it　and　looking　at　him。　〃I　want　to　see　you。〃
　He　turned　on　all　of　the　aerie's　lights；　including　the　harsh　white　globes　along　the　roof　of　the　balcony's　outer　edge。　As　the　light　came　on；　an　Ixian…made　transparent　mask　slid　out　of　wall　recesses　and　sealed　off　the　balcony　behind　Siona。　She　felt　it　move　behind　her　and　was　startled；　but　nodded　as　though　she　understood。　She　thought　it　was　a　defense　against　attack。　It　was　not。　The　wall　merely　kept　out　the　damp　insects　of　the　night。
　Siona　stared　at　Leto；　sweeping　her　gaze　along　his　body；　pausing　at　the　stubs　which　once　had　been　his　legs；　bringing　her　attention　then　to　his　arms　and　hands；　then　to　his　face。
　〃Your　approved　histories　tell　us　that　all　Atreides　are　descended　from　you　and　your　sister；　Ghanima；〃　she　said。　〃The　Oral　History　disagrees。〃
　〃The　Oral　History　is　correct。　Your　ancestor　was　Harq　al　Ada　Ghani　and　I　were　married　only　in　name；　a　move　to　consolidate　the　power。〃
　〃Like　your　marriage　to　this　Ixian　woman？〃
　〃That　is　different。〃
　〃You　will　have　children？〃
　〃I　have　never　been　capable　of　having　children。　I　chose　the　metamorphosis　before　that　was　possible。〃
　〃You　were　a　child　and　then　you　were…〃　she　pointed　〃this？〃
　〃Nothing　between。〃
　〃How　does　a　child　know　what　to　choose？〃
　〃I　was　one　of　the　oldest　children　this　universe　has　ever　seen。　Ghani　was　the　other。〃
　〃That　story　about　your　ancestral　memories！〃
　〃A　true　story。　We're　all　here。　Doesn't　the　Oral　History　agree？〃
　She　whirled　away　and　held　her　back　stiffly　presented　to　him。　Once　more；　Leto　found　himself　fascinated　by　this　human　gesture：　rejection　coupled　to　vulnerability。　Presently；　she　turned　around　and　concentrated　on　his　features　within　the　hooded　folds。
　〃You　have　the　Atreides　look；〃　she　said。
　〃I　e　by　it　just　as　honestly　as　you　do。〃
　〃You're　so　old。。。why　aren't　you　wrinkled？〃
　〃Nothing　about　the　human　part　of　me　ages　in　a　normal　way。〃
　〃Is　that　why　you　did　this　to　yourself？〃
　〃To　enjoy　long　life？　No。〃
　〃I　don't　see　how　anyone　could　make　such　a　choice；〃　she　muttered。　Then　louder：　〃Never　to　know　love。　。　。〃
　〃You're　playing　the　fool！〃　he　said。　〃You　don't　mean　love；　you　mean　sex。〃
　She　shrugged。
　〃You　think　the　most　terrible　thing　I　gave　up　was　sex？　No；　the　greatest　loss　was　something　far　different。〃
　〃What？〃　She　asked　it　reluctantly；　betraying　how　deeply　he　touched　her。
　〃I　cannot　walk　among　my　fellows　without　their　special　notice。　I　am　no　longer　one　of　you。　I　am　alone。　Love？　Many　people　love　me；　but　my　shape　keeps　us　apart。　We　are　separated；　Siona；　by　a　gulf　that　no　other　human　dares　to　bridge。〃
　〃Not　even　your　Ixian　woman？〃
　〃Yes；　she　would　if　she　could；　but　she　cannot。　She's　not　an　Atreides。〃
　〃You　mean　that　I。。uld？〃　She　touched　her　breast　with　a　finger。
　〃If　there　were　enough　sandtrout　around。　Unfortunately；　all　of　them　enclose　my　flesh。　However；　if　I　were　to　die。　。　。〃
　She　shook　her　head　in　dumb　horror　at　the　thought。
　〃The　Oral　History　tells　it　accurately；〃　he　said。　〃And　we　must　never　forget　that　you　believe　the　Oral　History。〃
　She　continued　to　shake　her　head　from　side　to　side。
　〃There's　no　secret　about　it；〃　he　said。　〃The　first　moments　of　the　transformation　are　the　critical　ones。　Your　awareness　must　drive　inward　and　outward　simultaneously；　one　with　Infinity。　I　could　provide　you　with　enough　melange　to　acplish　this。　Given　enough　spice；　you　can　live　through　those　first　awful　moments。。。and　all　the　other　moments。〃
　She　shuddered　uncontrollably；　her　gaze　fixed　on　his　eyes。
　〃You　know　I'm　telling　you　the　truth；　don't　you？〃
　She　nodded；　inhaled　a　deep　trembling　breath；　then：　〃Why　did　you　do　it？〃
　〃The　alternative　was　far　more　horrible。〃
　〃What　alternative？〃
　〃In　time；　you　may　understand　it。　Moneo　did。〃
　〃Your　damned　Golden　Path！〃
　〃Not　damned　at　all。　Quite　holy。〃
　〃You　think　I'm　a　fool　who　can't。。。〃
　〃I　think　you're　inexperienced；　but　possessed　of　great　capability　whose　potential　you　do　not　even　suspect。〃
　She　took　three　deep　breaths　and　regained　some　of　her　posure；　then：　〃If　you　can't　mate　with　the　Ixian；　what。　。　。〃
　〃Child；　why　do　you　persist　in　misunderstanding？　It's　not　sex。　Before　Hwi；　I　could　not　pair。　I　had　no　other　like　me。　In　all　of　the　cosmic　void；　I　was　the　only　one。〃
　〃She's　like。。。you？〃
　〃Deliberately　so。　The　lxians　made　her　that　way。〃
　〃Made　her。。　。〃
　〃Don't　be　a　plete　fool！〃　he　snapped。　〃She　is　the　essential　god…trap。　Even　the　victim　cannot　reject　her。〃
　〃Why　do　you　tell　me　these　things？〃　she　whispered。
　〃You　stole　two　copies　of　my　journals；〃　he　said。　〃You've　read　the　Guild　translations　and　you　already　know　what　could　catch　me。〃
　〃You　knew？〃
　He　saw　boldness　return　to　her　stance；　a　sense　of　her　own　power。　〃Of　course　you　knew；〃　she　said；　answering　her　own　question。
　〃It　was　my　secret；〃　he　said。　〃You　cannot　imagine　how　many　times　I　have　loved　a　panion　and　seen　that　panion　slip　away。。。as　your　father　is　slipping　away　now。〃
　〃You　love。。。him？〃
　〃And　I　loved　your　mother。　Sometimes　they　go　quickly；　sometimes　with　agonizing　slowness。　Each　time　I　am　wracked。　I　can　play　callous　and　I　can　make　the　necessary　decisions；　even　decisions　which　kill；　but　I　cannot　escape　the　suffering。　For　a　long；　long　time…those　journals　you　stole　tell　it　truly…that　was　the　only　emotion　I　knew。〃
　He　saw　the　moistness　in　her　eyes；　but　the　line　of　her　jaw　still　spoke　of　angry　resolution。
　〃None　of　this　gives　you　the　right　to　govern；〃　she　said。
　Leto　suppressed　a　smile。　At　last　they　were　down　to　the　root　of　Siona's　rebellion。
　By　what　right？　Where　is　justice　in　my　rule？　By　imposing　my　rules　upon　them　with　the　weight　of　Fish　Speaker　arms；　am　I　being　fair　to　the　evolutionary　thrust　of　humankind？　I　know　all　of　the　revolutionary　cant；　the　catch…prattle　and　the　resounding　phrases。
　〃Nowhere　do　you　see　your　own　rebellious　hand　in　the　power　I　wield；〃　he　said。
　Her　youth　still　demanded　its　moment。
　〃I　never　chose　you　to　govern；〃　she　said。
　〃But　you　strengthen　me。〃
　〃How？〃
　〃By　opposing　me。　I　sharpen　my　claws　on　the　likes　of　you。〃
　She　shot　a　sudden　glance　at　his　hands。
　〃A　figure　of　speech；〃　he　said。
　〃So　I've　offended　you　at　last；〃　she　said；　hearing　only　the　cutting　anger　in　his　words　and　tone。
　〃You've　not　offended　me。　We're　related　and　can　speak　bluntly　to　each　other　within　the　family。　The　fact　is；　I　have　much　more　to　fear　from　you　than　you　from　me。〃
　This　took　her　aback；　but　only　momentarily。　He　saw　belief　stiffen　her　shoulders；　then　doubt。　Her　chin　lowered　and　she　peered　upward　at　him。
　〃What　could　the　great　God　Leto　fear　from　me？〃
　〃Your　ignorant　violence。〃
　〃Are　you　saying　that　you're　physically　vulnerable？〃
　〃I　will　not　warn　you　again；　Siona。　There　are　limits　to　the　word　games　I　will　play。　You　and　the　lxians　both　know　that　it's　the　ones　I　love　who　are　physically　vulnerable。　Soon；　most　of　the　Empire　will　know　it。　This　is　the　kind　of　information　which　travels　fast。〃
　〃And　they'll　all　ask　what　right　you　have　to　rule！〃
　There　was　glee　in　her　voice。　It　aroused　an　abrupt　anger　in　Leto。　He　found　it　difficult　to　suppress。　This　was　a　side　of　human　emotions　he　detested。　Gloating！　It　was　some　time　before　he　dared　answer；　then　he　chose　to　slash　through　her　defenses　at　the　vulnerability　he　already　had　seen。
　〃I　rule　by　the　right　of　loneliness；　Siona。　My　loneliness　is　part…freedom　and　part…slavery。　It　says　I　cannot　be　bought　by　any　human　group。　My　slavery　to　you　says　that　I　will　serve　all　of　you　to　the　best　of　my　lordly　abilities。〃
　〃But　the　lxians　have　caught　you！〃　she　said。
　〃No。　They　have　given　me　a　gift　which　strengthens　me。〃
　〃It　weakens　you！〃
　〃That；　too；〃　he　admitted。　〃But　very　powerful　forces　still　obey　me。〃
　〃Ohhh；　yes。〃　she　nodded。　〃I　understand　that。〃
　〃You　don't　understand　it。〃
　〃Then　I'm　sure　you'll　explain　it　to　me；〃　she　taunted。
　He　spoke　so　softly　that　she　had　to　lean　toward　him　to　hear：　〃There　are　no　others　of　any　kind　anywhere　who　can　call　upon　me　for　anything…not　for　sharing；　not　for　promise；　not　even　for　the　slightest　beginning　of　another　government。　I　am　the　only　one。〃
　〃Not　even　this　Ixian　woman　can。　。　。〃
　〃She　is　so　much　like　me　that　she　would　not　weaken　me　in　that　way。〃
　〃But　when　the　Ixian　Embassy　was　attacked。　。　。〃
　〃I　can　still　be　irritated　by　stupidity；〃　he　said。
　She　scowled　at　him。
　Leto　thought　it　a　pretty　gesture　in　that　light；　quite　unconscious。　He　knew　he　had　made　her　think。　He　was　sure　she　had　never　before　considered　that　any　rights　might　adhere　to　uniqueness。
　He　addressed　her　silent　scowl：　〃There　has　never　before　been　a　government　exactly　like　mine。　Not　in　all　of　our　history。　I　am　responsible　only　to　myself；　exacting　payment　in　full　for　what　I　have　sacrificed。〃
　〃Sacrificed！〃　she　sneered；　but　he　heard　the　doubts。　〃Every　despot　says　something　like　that。　You're　responsible　only　to　yourself！〃
　〃Which　makes　every　living　thing　my　responsibility。　I　watch　over　you　through　these　times。〃
　〃Through　what　times？〃
　〃The　times　that　might　have　been　and　then　no　more。〃
　He　saw　the　indecision　in　her。　She　did　not　trust　her　instincts；　her　untrained　abilities　at　prediction。　She　might　leap　occasionally　as　she　had　done　when　she　took　his　journals；　but　the　motivation　for　the　leap　was　lost　in　the　revelation　which　followed。
　〃My　father　says　you　can　be　very　tricky　with　words；〃　she　sai