rh.royalassassin-第13章

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　　　　　　　〃Thank　you；〃　I　muttered；　thinking　she　would　leave　me　now；　but　she　kept　her　grip。
　　　　　　　〃Are　you　sure　you　belong　on　this　level？　The　servants'　quarters　are　the　next　flight　up；　you　know。〃
　　　　　　　I　managed　a　nod。　〃Third　door。　If　you　don't　mind。〃
　　　　　　　She　was　silent　for　longer　than　a　moment。　〃That's　the　Bastard's　room。〃　The　words　were　flung　like　a　cold　challenge。
　　　　　　　I　did　not　flinch　to　the　words　as　I　would　have　once。　I　did　not　even　lift　my　head。　〃Yes。　You　may　go　now。〃　I　dismissed　her　as　coldly。
　　　　　　　Instead　she　stepped　closer。　She　seized　my　hair；　jerked　my　head　up　to　face　her。　〃Newboy！〃　she　hissed　in　fury。　〃I　should　drop　you　right　here。〃
　　　　　　　I　jerked　my　head　up。　I　could　not　make　my　eyes　focus　on　her　eyes；　but　all　the　same；　I　knew　her；　knew　the　shape　of　her　face　and　how　her　hair　fell　forward　on　her　shoulders；　and　her　scent；　like　a　summer　afternoon。　Relief　crashed　over　me　like　a　wave。　It　was　Molly；　my　Molly　the　candlemaker。　〃You're　alive！〃　I　cried　out。　My　heart　leaped　in　me　like　a　hooked　fish。　I　took　her　in　my　arms　and　kissed　her。
　　　　　　　At　least；　I　attempted　to。　She　stiff…armed　me　away；　saying　gruffly；　〃I　shall　never　kiss　a　drunk。　That's　one　promise　I've　made　to　myself　and　shall　always　keep。　Nor　be　kissed　by　one。〃　Her　voice　was　tight。
　　　　　　　〃I'm　not　drunk；　I'm　。。。　sick；〃　I　protested。　The　surge　of　excitement　had　made　my　head　spin　more　than　ever。　I　swayed　on　my　feet。　〃It　doesn't　matter　anyway。　You're　here　and　safe。〃
　　　　　　　She　steadied　me。　A　reflex　she　had　learned　taking　care　of　her　father。　〃Oh。　I　see。　You're　not　drunk。〃　Disgust　and　disbelief　mingled　in　her　voice。　〃You're　not　the　scriber's　boy；　either。　Nor　a　stable　hand。　Is　lying　how　you　always　begin　with　people？　It　seems　to　be　how　you　always　end。〃
　　　　　　　〃I　didn't　lie；〃　I　said　querulously；　confused　by　the　anger　in　her　voice。　I　wished　I　could　make　my　eyes　meet　hers。　〃I　just　didn't　tell　you　quite　。。。　it's　too　plicated。　Molly；　I'm　just　so　glad　you're　all　right。　And　here　in　Buckkeep！　I　thought　I　was　going　to　have　to　search　。。。〃　She　still　gripped　me；　holding　me　on　my　feet。　〃I'm　not　drunk。　Really。　I　did　lie　just　now；　because　it　was　embarrassing　to　admit　how　weak　I　am。〃
　　　　　　　〃And　so　you　lie。〃　Her　voice　cut　like　a　whip。　〃You　should　be　more　embarrassed　to　lie；　Newboy。　Or　is　lying　permitted　to　a　Prince's　son？〃
　　　　　　　She　let　go　of　me　and　I　sagged　against　a　wall。　I　tried　to　get　a　grip　on　my　whirling　thoughts　while　keeping　my　body　vertical。　〃I'm　not　a　Prince's　son；〃　I　said　at　last。　〃I'm　a　bastard。　That's　different。　And　yes；　that　was　too　embarrassing　to　admit；　too。　But　I　never　told　you　I　wasn't　the　Bastard。　I　just　always　felt；　when　I　was　with　you；　I　was　Newboy。　It　was　nice；　having　a　few　friends　who　looked　at　me　and　thought；　‘Newboy'　instead　of　‘the　Bastard。'　〃
　　　　　　　Molly　didn't　reply。　Instead　she　grabbed　me；　much　more　roughly　than　before；　by　my　shirtfront；　and　hauled　me　down　the　hall　to　my　room。　I　was　amazed　at　how　strong　women　were　when　they　were　angry。　She　shouldered　the　door　open　as　if　it　were　a　personal　enemy　and　propelled　me　toward　my　bed。　As　soon　as　I　was　close；　she　let　go　and　I　fell　against　it。　I　righted　myself　and　managed　to　sit　down。　By　clutching　my　hands　tightly　together　and　gripping　them　between　my　knees；　I　could　control　my　trembling。　Molly　stood　glaring　at　me。　I　couldn't　precisely　see　her。　Her　outline　was　blurred；　her　features　a　smear；　but　I　could　tell　by　the　way　she　stood　that　she　was　furious。
　　　　　　　After　a　moment　I　ventured；　〃I　dreamed　of　you。　While　I　was　gone。〃
　　　　　　　She　still　didn't　speak。　I　felt　a　bit　braver。　〃I　dreamed　you　were　at　Siltbay。　When　it　was　raided。〃　My　words　came　out　tight　with　my　effort　to　keep　my　voice　from　shaking。　〃I　dreamed　of　fires；　and　Raiders　attacking。　In　my　dream；　there　were　two　children　you　had　to　protect。　It　seemed　like　they　were　yours。〃　Her　silence　held　like　a　wall　against　my　words。　She　probably　thought　I　was　ten　kinds　of　an　idiot；　babbling　about　dreams。　And　why；　oh　why；　of　all　the　people　in　the　world　who　could　have　seen　me　so　unmanned；　why　did　it　have　to　be　Molly？　The　silence　had　grown　long。　〃But　you　were　here；　at　Buckkeep　and　safe。〃　I　tried　to　steady　my　quavering　voice。　〃I'm　glad　you're　safe。　But　what　are　you　doing　at　Buckkeep？〃
　　　　　　　〃What　am　I　doing　here？〃　Her　voice　was　as　tight　as　mine。　Anger　made　it　cold；　but　I　thought　it　was　hedged　with　fear；　too。　〃I　came　looking　for　a　friend。〃　She　paused　and　seemed　to　strangle　for　a　bit。　When　she　spoke　again；　her　voice　was　artificially　calm；　almost　kind。　〃You　see；　my　father　died　and　left　me　a　debtor。　So　my　creditors　took　my　shop　from　me。　I　went　to　stay　with　relatives；　to　help　with　the　harvest；　to　earn　money　to　start　again。　In　Siltbay。　Though　how　you　came　to　know　of　it；　I　cannot　even　guess。　I　earned　a　bit　and　my　cousin　was　willing　to　loan　me　the　rest。　The　harvest　had　been　good。　I　was　to　e　back　to　Buckkeep　the　next　day。　But　Siltbay　was　raided。　I　was　there；　with　my　nieces　。。。。〃　Briefly；　her　voice　trailed　away。　I　remembered　with　her。　The　ships；　the　fire；　the　laughing　woman　with　the　sword。　I　looked　up　at　her　and　could　almost　focus　on　her。　I　could　not　speak。　But　she　was　looking　off；　over　my　head。　She　spoke　on　calmly。
　　　　　　　〃My　cousins　lost　everything　they　owned。　They　counted　themselves　lucky；　for　their　children　survived。　I　couldn't　ask　them　to　loan　me　money　still。　Truth　was；　they　couldn't　even　have　paid　me　for　the　work　I　had　done；　if　I　had　thought　to　ask。　So　I　came　back　to　Buckkeep；　with　winter　closing　in；　and　no　place　to　stay。　And　I　thought；　I've　always　been　friends　with　Newboy。　If　there's　anyone　I　could　ask　to　loan　me　money　to　tide　me　over；　it　would　be　him。　So　I　came　up　to　the　Keep；　and　asked　for　the　scriber's　boy。　But　everyone　shrugged　and　sent　me　to　Fedwren。　And　Fedwren　listened　as　I　described　you；　and　frowned；　and　sent　me　to　Patience。〃　Molly　paused　significantly。　I　tried　to　imagine　that　meeting；　but　shuddered　away　from　it。　〃She　took　me　on　as　a　lady's　maid；〃　Molly　said　softly。　〃She　said　it　was　the　least　she　could　do；　after　you　had　shamed　me。〃
　　　　　　　〃Shamed　you？〃　I　jerked　upright。　The　world　rocked　around　me　and　my　blurry　vision　dissolved　into　sparks。　〃How？　How　shamed　you？〃
　　　　　　　Molly's　voice　was　quiet。　〃She　said　you　had　obviously　won　my　affections；　and　then　left　me。　Under　my　false　assumption　that　you　would　someday　be　able　to　marry　me；　I'd　let　you　court　me。〃
　　　　　　　〃I　didn't　。。。〃　I　faltered；　and　then：　〃We　were　friends。　I　didn't　know　you　felt　any　more　than　that　。。。。〃
　　　　　　　〃You　didn't？〃　She　lifted　her　chin；　I　knew　that　gesture。　Six　years　ago　she　would　have　followed　it　with　a　punch　to　my　stomach。　I　still　flinched。　But　she　just　spoke　more　quietly　when　she　said；　〃I　suppose　I　should　have　expected　you　to　say　that。　It's　an　easy　thing　to　say。〃
　　　　　　　It　was　my　turn　to　be　nettled。　〃You're　the　one　who　left　me；　with　not　even　a　word　of　farewell。　And　with　that　sailor；　Jade。　Do　you　think　I　don't　know　about　him？　I　was　there；　Molly。　I　saw　you　take　his　arm　and　walk　away　with　him。　Why　didn't　you　e　to　me；　then；　before　leaving　with　him？〃
　　　　　　　She　drew　herself　up。　〃I　had　been　a　woman　with　prospects。　Then　I　became；　all　unwittingly；　a　debtor。　Do　you　imagine　that　I　knew　of　the　debts　my　father　had　incurred；　and　then　ignored？　Not　till　after　he　was　buried　did　the　creditors　e　knocking。　I　lost　everything。　Should　I　have　e　to　you　as　a　beggar；　hoping　you'd　take　me　in？　I'd　thought　that　you'd　cared　about　me。　I　believed　that　you　wanted　。。。　El　damn　you；　why　do　I　have　to　admit　this　to　you！〃　Her　words　rattled　against　me　like　flung　stones。　I　knew　her　eyes　were　blazing；　her　cheeks　flushed。　〃I　thought　you　did　want　to　marry　me；　that　you　did　want　a　future　with　me。　I　wanted　to　bring　something　to　it；　not　e　to　you　penniless　and　prospectless。　I'd　imagined　us　with　a　little　shop；　me　with　my　candles　and　herbs　and　honey；　and　you　with　your　scriber's　skills　。。。。　And　so　I　went　to　my　cousin；　to　ask　to　borrow　money。　He　had　none　to　spare；　but　arranged　for　my　passage　to　Siltbay；　to　talk　to　his　elder　brother　Flint。　I've　told　you　how　that　ended。　I　worked　my　way　back　here　on　a　fishing　boat；　Newboy；　gutting　fish　and　putting　them　down　in　salt。　I　came　back　to　Buckkeep　like　a　beaten　dog。　And　I　swallowed　my　pride　and　came　up　here　that　day；　and　found　out　how　stupid　I　was；　how　you'd　pretended　and　lied　to　me。　You　are　a　bastard；　Newboy。　You　are。〃
　　　　　　　For　a　moment　I　listened　to　an　odd　sound；　trying　to　prehend　what　it　was。　Then　I　knew。　She　was　crying；　in　little　catches　of　her　breath。　I　knew　if　I　tried　to　stand　and　go　to　her；　I'd　fall　on　my　face。　Or　I'd　reach　her；　and　she'd　knock　me　flat。　So　stupidly　as　any　drunk；　I　repeated；　〃Well；　what　about　Jade；　then？　Why　did　you　find　it　so　easy　to　go　to　him？　Why　didn't　you　e　to　me　first？〃
　　　　　　　〃I　told　you！　He's　my　cousin；　you　moron！〃　Her　anger　flared　past　her　tears。　〃When　you're　in　trouble；　you　turn　to　your　family。　I　asked　him　for　help；　and　he　took　me　to　his　family's　farm；　to　help　out　with　the　harvest。〃　A　moment　of　silence。　Then；　incredulously：　〃What　did　you　think？　That　I　was　the　type　of　woman　who　could　have　another　man　on　the　side？〃　Icily。　〃That　I　would　let　you　court　me；　and　be　seeing　someone　else？〃
　　　　　　　〃No。　I　didn't　say　that。〃
　　　　　　　〃Of　course　you　would。〃　She　said　it　as　if　it　suddenly　all　made　sense。　〃You're　like　my　father。　He　always　believed　I　lied；　because　he　told　so　many　lies　himself。　Just　like　you。　‘Oh；　I'm　not　drunk；'　when　you　stink　of　it　and　you　can　barely　stand。　And　your　stupid　story：　‘I　dreamed　of　you　at　Siltbay。'　Everyone　in　town　knew　I　went　to　Siltbay。　You　probably　heard　the　whole　story　tonight；　while　you　were　sitting　in　some　tavern。〃
　　　　　　　〃No；　I　didn't；　Molly。　You　have　to　believe　me。〃　I　clutched　at　the　blankets　on　the　bed　to　keep　myself　upright。　She　had　turned　her　back　on　me。
　　　　　　　〃No。　I　don't！　I　don't　have　to　believe　anyone　anymore。〃　She　paused；　as　if　considering　something。　〃You　know；　once；　a　long　time　ago；　when　I　was　a　little；　little　girl。　Before　I　even　met　you。〃　Her　voice　was　getting　oddly　calmer。　Emptier；　but　calmer。　〃It　was　at　Springfest。　I　remember　when　I　asked　my　daddy　for　some　pennies　for　the　fair　booths；　he　slapped　me　and　said　he　wouldn't　waste　money　on　foolish　things　like　that。　And　then　he　locked　me　in　the　shop　and　went　drinking。　But　even　then　I　knew　how　to　get　out　of　the　shop。　I　went　to　the　fair　booths　anyway；　just　to　see　them。　One　was　an　old　man　telling　fortunes　with　crystals。　You　know　how　they　do。　They　hold　the　crystal　to　a　candle's　light；　and　tell　your　future　by　how　the　colors　fall　across　your　face。〃　She　paused。
　　　　　　　〃I　know；〃　I　admitted　to　her　silence。　I　knew　the　type　of　Hedge　wizard　she　meant。　I'd　seen　the　dance　of　colored　lights　across　a　woman's　close…eyed　face。　Right　now　I　only　wished　I　could　see　Molly　clearly。　I　thought　if　I　could　meet　her　eyes；　I　could　make　her　see　the　truth　inside　me。　I　wished　I　dared　stand；　to　go　to　her　and　try　to　hold　her　again。　But　she　thought　me　drunk；　and　I　knew　I'd　fall。　I　would　not　shame　myself　in　front　of　her　again。
　　　　　　　〃A　lot　of　the　other　girls　and　women　were　getting　their　fortunes　told。　But　I　didn't　have　a　penny；　so　I　could　only　watch。　But　after　a　bit　the　old　man　noticed　me。　I　guess　he　thought　I　was　shy。　He　asked　me　if　I　didn't　want　to　know　my　fortune。　And　I　started　crying；　because　I　did；　but　I　didn't　have　a　penny。　Then　Brinna　the　fishwife　laughed；　and　said　there　was　no　need　for　me　to　pay　to　know　it。　Everyone　knew　my　future　alrea