rh.royalassassin-第2章

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ity　of　his　superior　years。　Unnoticed；　defeated；　I　slunk　away　and　watched　them　walk　off　arm　in　arm。　I　watched　her　go；　and　I　let　her　go；　and　in　the　months　that　followed；　I　tried　to　convince　myself　that　my　heart　had　let　her　go　as　well。　I　wonder　what　would　have　happened　if　I　had　run　after　them　that　afternoon；　if　I　had　begged　one　last　word　of　her。　Odd；　to　think　of　so　many　events　turning　upon　a　boy's　misplaced　pride　and　his　schooled　acceptance　of　defeats。　I　set　her　out　of　my　thoughts；　and　spoke　of　her　to　no　one。　I　got　on　with　my　life。
　　　　　　　King　Shrewd　sent　me　as　his　assassin　with　a　great　caravan　of　folk　going　to　witness　the　pledging　of　the　Mountain　Princess　Kettricken　as　Prince　Verity's　bride。　My　mission　was　to　quietly　cause　the　death　of　her　older　brother；　Prince　Rurisk；　subtly　of　course；　so　that　she　would　be　left　the　sole　heir　to　the　Mountain　throne。　But　what　I　found　when　I　arrived　there　was　a　web　of　deceit　and　lies　engineered　by　my　youngest　uncle；　Prince　Regal；　who　hoped　to　topple　Verity　from　the　line　of　succession　and　claim　the　Princess　as　his　own　bride。　I　was　the　pawn　he　would　sacrifice　for　this　goal；　and　I　was　the　pawn　who　instead　toppled　the　game　pieces　around　him；　bringing　his　wrath　and　vengeance　down　on　myself；　but　saving　the　crown　and　the　Princess　for　Prince　Verity。　I　do　not　think　this　was　heroism。　Nor　do　I　think　it　was　petty　spite　wreaked　on　one　who　had　always　bullied　and　belittled　me。　It　was　the　act　of　a　boy　being　a　man；　and　doing　what　I　had　sworn　to　do　years　before　I　prehended　the　cost　of　such　an　oath。　The　price　was　my　healthy　young　body；　so　long　taken　for　granted。
　　　　　　　Long　after　I　had　defeated　Regal's　plot；　I　lingered　in　a　sickbed　in　the　Mountain　Kingdom。　But　finally　a　morning　came　when　I　awoke　and　believed　that　my　long　illness　was　finally　over。　Burrich　had　decided　I　was　recovered　enough　to　begin　the　long　journey　back　home　to　the　Six　Duchies。　Princess　Kettricken　and　her　entourage　had　left　for　Buckkeep　weeks　before；　when　the　weather　was　still　fine。　Now　winter　snows　already　smothered　the　higher　parts　of　the　Mountain　Kingdom。　If　we　did　not　leave　Jhaampe　soon；　we　would　be　forced　to　winter　there。　I　was　up　early　that　morning；　doing　my　final　packing；　when　the　first　small　tremors　began。　Resolutely；　I　ignored　them。　I　was　just　shaky；　I　told　myself；　with　not　having　eaten　breakfast　yet；　and　the　excitement　of　the　journey　home。　I　donned　the　garments　that　Jonqui　had　furnished　for　our　winter　journey　through　the　Mountains　and　across　the　plains。　For　me　there　was　a　long　red　shirt；　padded　with　wool　quilted　into　it。　The　quilted　trousers　were　green；　but　embroidered　with　red　at　the　waist　and　cuffs。　The　boots　were　soft；　almost　shapeless　until　my　feet　were　laced　inside　them。　They　were　like　sacks　of　soft　leather；　padded　with　sheared　wool　and　trimmed　with　fur。　They　fastened　to　the　feet　with　long　wrappings　of　leather　strips。　My　trembling　fingers　made　tying　them　a　difficult　task。　Jonqui　had　told　us　they　were　wonderful　for　the　dry　snow　of　the　mountains；　but　to　beware　of　getting　them　wet。
　　　　　　　There　was　a　looking　glass　in　the　room。　At　first；　I　smiled　at　my　reflection。　Not　even　King　Shrewd's　fool　dressed　as　gaily　as　this。　But　above　the　bright　garments；　my　face　was　thin　and　pale；　making　my　dark　eyes　too　large；　while　my　fever…shorn　hair；　black　and　bristly；　stood　up　like　a　dog's　hackles。　My　illness　had　ravaged　me。　But　I　told　myself　I　was　finally　on　my　way　home。　I　turned　aside　from　the　mirror。　As　I　packed　the　few　small　gifts　I　had　selected　to　take　home　to　my　friends；　the　unsteadiness　grew　in　my　hands。
　　　　　　　For　the　last　time　Burrich；　Hands；　and　I　sat　down　to　break　fast　with　Jonqui。　I　thanked　her　once　again　for　all　she　had　done　toward　healing　me。　I　picked　up　a　spoon　for　the　porridge；　and　my　hand　gave　a　twitch。　I　dropped　it。　I　watched　the　silvery　shape　fall　and　fell　after　it。
　　　　　　　The　next　thing　I　remember　is　the　shadowy　corners　of　the　bedroom。　I　lay　for　a　long　time；　not　moving　or　speaking。　I　went　from　a　state　of　emptiness　to　knowing　I　had　had　another　seizure。　It　had　passed；　both　body　and　mind　were　mine　to　mand　once　more。　But　I　no　longer　wanted　them。　At　fifteen　years　old；　an　age　when　most　were　ing　into　their　full　strength；　I　could　no　longer　trust　my　body　to　perform　the　simplest　task。　It　was　damaged；　and　I　rejected　it　fiercely。　I　felt　savagely　vindictive　toward　the　flesh　and　bone　that　enclosed　me；　and　wished　for　some　way　to　express　my　raging　disappointment。　Why　couldn't　I　heal？　Why　hadn't　I　recovered？
　　　　　　　〃It's　going　to　take　time；　that's　all。　Wait　until　half　a　year　has　passed　since　the　day　you　were　damaged。　Then　assess　yourself。〃　It　was　Jonqui　the　healer。　She　was　sitting　near　the　fireplace；　but　her　chair　was　drawn　back　into　the　shadows。　I　hadn't　noticed　her　until　she　spoke。　She　rose　slowly；　as　if　the　winter　made　her　bones　ache；　and　came　to　stand　beside　my　bed。
　　　　　　　〃I　don't　want　to　live　like　an　old　man。〃
　　　　　　　She　pursed　her　lips。　〃Sooner　or　later　you　will　have　to。　At　least；　I　so　wish　that　you　will　survive　that　many　years。　I　am　old；　and　so　is　my　brother　King　Eyod。　We　do　not　find　it　so　great　a　burden。〃
　　　　　　　〃I　should　not　mind　an　old　man's　body　if　the　years　had　earned　it　for　me。　But　I　can't　go　on　like　this。〃
　　　　　　　She　shook　her　head；　puzzled。　〃Of　course　you　can。　Healing　is　tedious　sometimes；　but　to　say　that　you　cannot　go　on　。。。　I　do　not　understand。　It　is；　perhaps；　a　difference　in　our　languages？〃
　　　　　　　I　took　a　breath　to　speak；　but　at　that　moment　Burrich　came　in。　〃Awake？　Feeling　better？〃
　　　　　　　〃Awake。　Not　feeling　better；〃　I　grumbled。　Even　to　myself；　I　sounded　like　a　fretful　child。　Burrich　and　Jonqui　exchanged　glances　over　me。　She　came　to　the　bedside；　patted　my　shoulder；　and　then　left　the　room　silently。　Their　obvious　tolerance　was　galling；　and　my　impotent　anger　rose　like　a　tide。　〃Why　can't　you　heal　me？〃　I　demanded　of　Burrich。
　　　　　　　He　was　taken　aback　by　the　accusation　in　my　question。　〃It's　not　that　simple；〃　he　began。
　　　　　　　〃Why　not？〃　I　hauled　myself　up　straight　in　the　bed。　〃I've　seen　you　cure　all　manner　of　ailments　in　beasts。　Sickness；　broken　bones；　worms；　mange　。。。　you're　stablemaster；　and　I've　seen　you　treat　them　all。　Why　can't　you　cure　me？〃
　　　　　　　〃You're　not　a　dog；　Fitz；〃　Burrich　said　quietly。　〃It's　simpler　with　a　beast；　when　it's　seriously　ill。　I've　taken　drastic　measures；　sometimes；　telling　myself；　well；　if　the　animal　dies；　at　least　it's　not　suffering　anymore；　and　this　may　heal　it。　I　can't　do　that　with　you。　You're　not　a　beast。〃
　　　　　　　〃That's　no　answer！　Half　the　time　the　guards　e　to　you　instead　of　the　healer。　You　took　the　head　of　an　arrow　out　of　Den。　You　laid　his　whole　arm　open　to　do　it！　When　the　healer　said　that　Greydin's　foot　was　too　infected　and　she'd　have　to　lose　it；　she　came　to　you；　and　you　saved　it。　And　all　the　time　the　healer　was　saying　the　infection　would　spread　and　she'd　die　and　it　would　be　your　fault。〃
　　　　　　　Burrich　folded　his　lips；　quelling　his　temper。　If　I'd　been　healthy；　I'd　have　been　wary　of　his　wrath。　But　his　restraint　with　me　during　my　convalescence　had　made　me　bold。　When　he　spoke；　his　voice　was　quiet　and　controlled。　〃Those　were　risky　healings；　yes。　But　the　folk　who　wanted　them　done　knew　the　risks。　And；〃　he　said；　raising　his　voice　to　cover　the　objection　I'd　been　about　to　utter；　〃they　were　simple　things。　I　knew　the　cause。　Take　out　the　arrowhead　and　haft　from　his　arm　and　clean　it　up。　Poultice　and　draw　the　infection　from　Greydin's　foot。　But　your　sickness　isn't　that　simple。　Neither　Jonqui　nor　I　really　know　what's　wrong　with　you。　Is　it　the　aftermath　of　the　poison　Kettricken　fed　you　when　she　thought　you　had　e　to　kill　her　brother？　Is　this　the　effects　of　the　poisoned　wine　that　Regal　arranged　for　you？　Or　is　it　from　the　beating　you　took　afterward？　From　being　near　drowned？　Or　did　all　those　things　bine　to　do　this　to　you？　We　don't　know；　and　so　we　don't　know　how　to　cure　you。　We　just　don't　know。〃
　　　　　　　His　voice　clenched　on　his　last　words；　and　I　suddenly　saw　how　his　sympathy　for　me　overlay　his　frustration。　He　paced　a　few　steps；　then　halted　to　stare　into　the　fire。　〃We've　talked　long　about　it。　Jonqui　has　much　in　her　Mountain　lore　that　I　have　never　heard　of　before。　And　I've　told　her　of　cures　I　know。　But　we　both　agreed　the　best　thing　to　do　was　give　you　time　to　heal。　You're　in　no　danger　of　dying　that　we　can　see。　Possibly；　in　time；　your　own　body　can　cast　out　the　last　vestiges　of　the　poison；　or　heal　whatever　damage　was　done　inside　you。〃
　　　　　　　〃Or；〃　I　added　quietly；　〃it's　possible　that　I'll　be　this　way　the　rest　of　my　life。　That　the　poison　or　the　beating　damaged　something　permanently。　Damn　Regal；　to　kick　me　like　that　when　I　was　trussed　already。〃
　　　　　　　Burrich　stood　as　if　turned　to　ice。　Then　he　sagged　into　the　chair　in　the　shadows。　Defeat　was　in　his　voice。　〃Yes。　That　is　just　as　possible　as　the　other。　But　don't　you　see　we　have　no　choice？　I　could　physick　you　to　try　to　force　the　poison　out　of　your　body。　But　if　it's　damage；　not　poison；　all　I　would　do　was　weaken　you；　so　that　your　body's　own　healing　would　take　that　much　longer。〃　He　stared　into　the　flames；　and　lifted　a　hand　to　touch　a　streak　of　white　at　his　temple。　I　was　not　the　only　one　who'd　fallen　to　Regal's　treachery。　Burrich　himself　was　but　newly　recovered　from　a　skull　blow　that　would　have　killed　anyone　less　thickheaded　than　he。　I　knew　he　had　endured　long　days　of　dizziness　and　blurred　vision。　I　did　not　recall　he　had　plained　at　all。　I　had　the　decency　to　feel　a　bit　of　shame。
　　　　　　　〃So　what　do　I　do？〃
　　　　　　　Burrich　started　as　if　roused　from　dozing。　〃What　we've　been　doing。　Wait。　Eat。　Rest。　Be　easy　on　yourself。　And　see　what　happens。　Is　that　so　terrible？〃
　　　　　　　I　ignored　his　question。　〃And　if　I　don't　get　better？　If　I　just　stay　like　this；　where　the　tremors　or　fits　can　e　over　me　at　any　time？〃
　　　　　　　His　answer　was　slow　in　ing。　〃Live　with　it。　Many　folk　have　to　live　with　worse。　Most　of　the　time　you're　fine。　You're　not　blind。　You're　not　paralyzed。　You've　your　wits；　still。　Stop　defining　yourself　by　what　you　can't　do。　Why　don't　you　consider　what　you　didn't　lose？〃
　　　　　　　〃What　I　didn't　lose？　What　I　didn't　lose？〃　My　anger　rose　like　a　covey　of　birds　taking　flight　and　likewise　driven　by　panic。　〃I'm　helpless；　Burrich。　I　can't　go　back　to　Buckkeep　like　this！　I'm　useless。　I'm　worse　than　useless；　I'm　a　waiting　victim。　If　I　could　go　back　and　batter　Regal　into　a　pulp；　that　might　be　worth　it。　Instead；　I　will　have　to　sit　at　table　with　Prince　Regal；　to　be　civil　and　deferential　to　a　man　who　plotted　to　overthrow　Verity　and　kill　me　as　an　added　spice。　I　can't　endure　him　seeing　me　tremble　with　weakness；　or　suddenly　fall　in　a　seizure。　I　don't　want　to　see　him　smile　at　what　he　has　made　me；　I　don't　want　to　watch　him　savor　his　triumph。　He　will　try　to　kill　me　again。　We　both　know　that。　Perhaps　he　has　learned　he　is　no　match　for　Verity；　perhaps　he　will　respect　his　older　brother's　reign　and　new　wife。　But　I　doubt　he　will　extend　that　to　me。　I'll　be　one　more　way　he　can　strike　at　Verity。　And　when　he　es；　what　shall　I　be　doing？　Sitting　by　the　fire　like　a　palsied　old　man；　doing　nothing。　Nothing！　All　I've　been　trained　for；　all　Hod's　weaponry　instruction；　all　Fedwren's　careful　teachings　about　lettering；　even　all　you've　taught　me　about　taking　care　of　beasts！　All　a　waste！　I　can　do　none　of　it。　I'm　just　a　bastard　again；　Burrich。　And　someone　once　told　me　that　a　royal　bastard　is　only　kept　alive　so　long　as　he　is　useful。〃　I　was　practically　s