rh.royalassassin-第47章

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t　I　thought　I　deserved；　as　reparation　for　your　deceptions。〃
　　　　　　　The　word　was　like　a　little　knife　twisted　in　my　guts。　The　fury　I　felt　was　building；　but　I　forced　myself　to　keep　silent　that　she　might　speak　it　all　out。
　　　　　　　〃I　told　him　I　expected　nothing。　That　I　had　deceived　myself　as　much　as　you　had　deceived　me。　So　then　he　offered　me　money。　To　go　away。　And　never　speak　of　you。　Or　what　had　happened　between　us。〃
　　　　　　　She　was　having　trouble　speaking。　Her　voice　kept　getting　higher　and　tighter　on　each　phrase。　She　fought　for　a　semblance　of　calm　I　knew　she　didn't　feel。　〃He　offered　me　enough　to　open　a　chandlery。　I　was　angry。　I　told　him　I　could　not　be　paid　to　stop　loving　someone。　That　if　the　offer　of　money　could　make　me　love；　or　not　love；　then　I　was　truly　a　whore。　He　grew　very　angry；　but　he　left。〃　She　gave　a　sudden　shuddering　sob；　then　held　herself　still。　I　moved　my　hands　lightly　over　her　shoulders；　feeling　the　tension　there。　I　stroked　her　hair；　softer　than　any　horse's　mane；　and　sleeker。　She　had　fallen　silent。
　　　　　　　〃Regal　makes　mischief；〃　I　heard　myself　say。　〃He　seeks　to　injure　me　by　driving　you　away。　To　shame　me　by　hurting　you。〃　I　shook　my　head　to　myself；　wondering　at　my　stupidity。　〃I　should　have　foreseen　this。　All　I　thought　was　that　he　might　whisper　against　you。　Or　arrange　for　physical　harm　to　befall　you。　But　Burrich　is　right。　The　man　has　no　morals；　he　is　bound　by　no　rules。〃
　　　　　　　〃He　was　cold；　at　first。　But　never　coarsely　rude。　He　came　only　as　the　King's　messenger；　he　said；　and　came　himself　to　save　scandal；　that　no　more　should　know　of　it　than　needed　to。　He　sought　to　avoid　talk；　not　make　it。　Later；　after　we　had　talked　a　few　times；　he　said　he　regretted　to　see　me　cornered　so；　and　that　he　would　tell　the　King　it　was　not　of　my　devising。　He　even　bought　candles　of　me；　and　arranged　for　others　to　know　what　I　had　to　sell。　I　believe　he　is　trying　to　help；　FitzChivalry。　Or　so　he　sees　it。〃
　　　　　　　To　hear　her　defend　Regal　cut　me　deeper　than　any　insult　or　rebuke　she　could　level　at　me。　My　fingers　tangled　in　her　soft　hair　and　I　unwound　them　carefully。　Regal。　All　the　weeks　I　had　gone　alone；　avoiding　her；　not　speaking　to　her　lest　it　cause　scandal。　Leaving　her　alone；　so　that　Regal　could　e　in　my　stead。　Not　courting　her；　no；　but　winning　her　with　his　practiced　charm　and　studied　words。　Chopping　away　at　her　image　of　me　while　I　was　not　there　to　contradict　anything　he　said。　Making　himself　out　to　be　her　ally　while　I　was　left　voiceless　to　bee　the　unthinking　callow　youth；　the　thoughtless　villain。　I　bit　my　tongue　before　I　spoke　any　more　ill　of　him　to　her。　It　would　only　sound　like　a　shallow　angry　boy　striking　back　at　one　who　sought　to　deny　his　will。
　　　　　　　〃Have　you　ever　spoken　of　Regal's　visits　to　Patience　or　Lacey？　What　did　they　say　of　him？〃
　　　　　　　She　shook　her　head；　and　the　movement　loosed　the　fragrance　of　her　hair。　〃He　cautioned　me　not　to　speak　of　it。　‘Women　talk'　he　said；　and　I　know　that　is　true。　I　should　not　even　have　spoken　of　it　to　you。　He　said　that　Patience　and　Lacey　would　respect　me　more　if　it　seemed　I　had　reached　this　decision　on　my　own。　He　said；　also　。。。　that　you　would　not　let　me　go　。。。　if　you　thought　the　decision　came　from　him。　That　you　must　believe　that　I　turned　away　from　you　on　my　own。〃
　　　　　　　〃He　knows　me　that　well；〃　I　conceded　to　her。
　　　　　　　〃I　should　not　have　told　you；〃　she　murmured。　She　pushed　a　little　away　from　me；　to　look　up　into　my　eyes。　〃I　don't　know　why　I　did。〃
　　　　　　　Her　eyes　and　her　hair　were　the　colors　of　a　forest。　〃Perhaps　you　did　not　want　me　to　let　you　go？〃　I　ventured。
　　　　　　　〃You　must；〃　she　said。　〃We　both　know　there　is　no　future　for　us。〃
　　　　　　　For　an　instant　all　was　stillness。　The　fire　crackled　softly　to　itself。　Neither　of　us　moved。　But　somehow　I　stepped　to　another　place；　where　I　was　achingly　aware　of　every　scent　and　touch　of　her。　Her　eyes　and　the　herb　scents　of　her　skin　and　hair　were　one　piece　with　the　warmth　and　suppleness　of　her　body　under　the　soft　woolen　night　robe。　I　experienced　her　as　if　she　were　a　new　color　suddenly　revealed　to　my　eyes。　All　concerns；　even　all　thoughts；　were　suspended　in　that　sudden　awareness。　I　know　I　trembled；　for　she　put　her　hands　on　my　shoulders　and　clasped　them；　to　steady　me。　Warmth　flowed　through　me　from　her　hands。　I　looked　down　into　her　eyes　and　wondered　at　what　I　saw　there。
　　　　　　　She　kissed　me。
　　　　　　　That　simple　act；　of　offering　up　her　mouth　to　mine；　was　like　the　opening　of　a　floodgate。　What　followed　was　a　seamless　continuation　of　her　kiss。　We　did　not　pause　to　consider　wisdom　or　morality；　we　did　not　hesitate　at　all。　The　permission　we　gave　each　other　was　absolute。　We　ventured　together　into　that　newness；　and　I　cannot　imagine　a　deeper　joining　than　our　shared　amazement　brought　us。　We　both　came　whole　to　that　night；　unfettered　by　expectations　or　memories　of　others。　I　had　no　more　right　to　her　than　she　had　to　me。　But　I　gave　and　I　took　and　I　swear　I　shall　never　regret　it。　The　memory　of　that　night's　sweet　awkwardness　is　the　truest　possession　of　my　soul。　My　trembling　fingers　jumbled　the　ribbon　at　the　neck　closure　of　her　nightgown　into　a　hopeless　knot。　Molly　seemed　wise　and　sure　as　she　touched　me；　only　to　betray　her　surprise　with　her　sharply　indrawn　breath　when　I　responded。　It　did　not　matter。　Our　ignorance　yielded　to　a　knowing　older　than　us　both。　I　strove　to　be　both　gentle　and　strong；　but　found　myself　amazed　at　her　strength　and　gentleness　both。
　　　　　　　I　have　heard　it　called　a　dance；　I　have　heard　it　called　a　battle。　Some　men　speak　of　it　with　a　knowing　laugh；　some　with　a　sneer。　I　have　heard　the　sturdy　market　women　chuckling　over　it　like　hens　clucking　over　bread　crumbs；　I　have　been　approached　by　bawds　who　spoke　their　wares　as　boldly　as　peddlers　hawking　fresh　fish。　For　myself；　I　think　some　things　are　beyond　words。　The　color　blue　can　only　be　experienced；　as　can　the　scent　of　jasmine　or　the　sound　of　a　flute。　The　curve　of　a　warm　bared　shoulder；　the　uniquely　feminine　softness　of　a　breast；　the　startled　sound　one　makes　when　all　barriers　suddenly　yield；　the　perfume　of　her　throat；　the　taste　of　her　skin　are　all　but　parts；　and　sweet　as　they　may　be；　they　do　not　embody　the　whole。　A　thousand　such　details　still　would　not　illustrate　it。
　　　　　　　The　fireplace　logs　burned　down　to　dark　red　embers。　The　candles　had　long　since　guttered　out。　It　seemed　we　were　in　a　place　we　had　entered　as　strangers；　and　discovered　to　be　home。　I　think　I　would　have　given　away　all　the　rest　of　the　world；　just　to　remain　in　the　drowsy　nest　of　tousled　blankets　and　feather　quilts；　breathing　her　warm　stillness。
　　　　　　　Brother；　this　is　good。
　　　　　　　I　leaped　like　a　hooked　fish；　jolting　Molly　out　of　her　drowsing　reverie。　〃What　is　it？〃
　　　　　　　〃A　cramp　in　my　calf；〃　I　lied；　and　she　laughed；　believing　me。　So　simple　a　fib；　but　I　was　suddenly　shamed　by　the　lie；　by　all　the　lies　I　had　ever　spoken　and　all　the　truths　I　had　made　into　lies　by　leaving　them　unspoken。　I　opened　my　lips　to　tell　her　all。　That　I　was　the　royal　assassin；　the　King's　killing　tool。　That　the　knowledge　of　her　that　she　had　given　me　that　night　had　been　shared　by　my　brother　the　wolf。　That　she　had　given　herself　so　freely　to　a　man　who　killed　other　men　and　shared　his　life　with　an　animal。
　　　　　　　It　was　unthinkable。　To　tell　her　those　things　would　hurt　and　shame　her。　She　would　have　felt　permanently　dirtied　by　the　touch　we　had　shared。　I　told　myself　that　I　could　stand　to　have　her　despise　me；　but　I　could　not　stand　to　have　her　despise　herself。　I　told　myself　that　I　clenched　my　lips　shut　because　it　was　the　nobler　thing　to　do；　to　keep　these　secrets　to　myself　was　better　than　to　let　the　truth　destroy　her。　Did　I　lie　to　myself；　then？
　　　　　　　Don't　we　all？
　　　　　　　I　lay　there；　with　her　arms　twined　warm　around　me；　with　the　length　of　her　body　warming　my　side；　and　promised　myself　that　I　would　change。　I　would　stop　being　all　those　things；　and　then　I　would　never　need　tell　her。　Tomorrow；　I　promised　myself；
　　　　　　　I　would　tell　Chade　and　Shrewd　that　I　would　no　longer　kill　for　them。　Tomorrow；　I　would　make　Nighteyes　understand　why　I　must　sever　my　bond　with　him。　Tomorrow。
　　　　　　　But　today；　in　this　day　that　was　already　beginning　to　dawn；　I　had　to　go　forth　with　the　wolf　at　my　side；　to　hunt　the　Forged　ones　and　slay　them。　Because　I　wanted　to　go　to　Shrewd　with　a　fresh　triumph；　to　put　him　in　the　mood　to　grant　the　boon　I　would　ask。　This　very　evening；　when　my　killing　was　done；　I　would　ask　him　to　allow　Molly　and　me　to　marry。　I　promised　myself　that　his　permission　would　mark　the　beginning　of　my　new　life　as　a　man　who　would　no　longer　have　to　keep　secrets　from　the　woman　he　loved。　I　kissed　her　forehead；　then　set　her　arms　softly　aside　from　me。
　　　　　　　〃I　have　to　leave　you；〃　I　whispered　as　she　stirred。　〃But　I　pray　it　will　not　be　for　long。　Today　I　go　to　Shrewd；　to　ask　permission　to　marry　you。〃
　　　　　　　She　stirred　and　opened　her　eyes。　She　watched　in　a　sort　of　wonder　as　I　went　naked　from　her　bed。　I　put　more　wood　on　the　fire；　then　avoided　her　gaze　as　I　gathered　my　scattered　clothes　and　put　them　on。　She　was　not　so　shy；　for　as　I　looked　up　from　fastening　my　belt；　I　found　her　eyes　upon　me；　smiling。　I　blushed。
　　　　　　　〃I　feel　we　are　wed　already；〃　she　whispered。　〃I　cannot　imagine　how　the　speaking　of　any　vows　could　make　us　more　truly　joined。〃
　　　　　　　〃Nor　I。〃　I　came　to　sit　on　the　edge　of　her　bed；　to　take　her　hands　in　mine　once　again。　〃But　there　will　be　great　satisfaction　to　me　in　letting　all　know　of　it。　And　that；　my　lady；　requires　a　wedding。　And　a　public　speaking　of　all　my　heart　has　already　vowed　to　you。　But　for　now；　I　must　go。〃
　　　　　　　〃Not　yet。　Stay　awhile　yet。　I　am　sure　we　have　some　small　time　left　before　anyone　else　begins　to　stir。〃
　　　　　　　I　leaned　over　her　to　kiss　her。　〃I　have　to　go　now；　to　retrieve　a　certain　rope　that　is　hanging　from　the　battlements　to　my　lady's　window。　Otherwise；　it　might　excite　ment。〃
　　　　　　　〃At　least　stay　long　enough　to　let　me　change　the　dressings　on　your　arm　and　neck。　However　did　you　hurt　yourself　so？　I　meant　to　ask　you　last　night；　but　。。。〃
　　　　　　　I　smiled　down　at　her。　〃I　know。　There　were　more　interesting　things　to　pursue。　No；　my　dear。　But　I　promise　you　I　shall　take　care　of　it　this　morning；　in　my　room。〃　To　call　her　〃my　dear〃　made　me　feel　a　man　as　no　words　ever　had　before。　I　kissed　her；　promising　myself　that　I　would　go　immediately　afterward；　but　found　myself　lingering　to　her　touch　on　my　neck。　I　sighed。　〃I　do　have　to　go。〃
　　　　　　　〃I　know。　But　you　have　not　told　me　how　you　injured　yourself。〃
　　　　　　　I　could　hear　in　her　voice　that　she　did　not　think　my　hurts　were　serious；　but　only　tried　to　use　the　subject　to　detain　me　at　her　side。　But　still　it　shamed　me；　and　I　tried　to　make　the　lie　as　harmless　as　possible。　〃Dog　bites。　A　bitch　in　the　stable　with　pups。　I　guess　I　did　not　know　her　as　well　as　I　had　thought。　I　bent　to　pick　up　one　of　her　pups；　and　she　went　for　me。〃
　　　　　　　〃Poor　boy。　Well。　Are　you　sure　you　cleaned　it　well？　Animal　bites　infect　very　easily。〃
　　　　　　　〃I'll　clean　it　again　when　I　dress　it。　Now。　I　must　go。〃　I　covered　her　over　with　the　feather　quilt；　but　not　without　a　twinge　of　regret　at　leaving　that　warmth。　〃Get　what　little　sleep　is　left　for　you　before　day　breaks。〃
　　　　　　　〃FitzChivalry！　〃
　　　　　　　I　paused　at　the　door；　turned　back。　〃Yes？〃
　　　　　　　〃e　to　me　tonight。　Regardless　of　what　the　King　may　say。〃
　　　　　　　I　opened　my　mouth　to　protest。
　　　　　　　〃Promise　me！　Otherwise；　I　shall　not　survive　this　day。　Promise　me　you　will　return　to　me。　For