pgw.uneasymoney-第30章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


e　often　wondered　how　he　managed　to　get　enough　money　to　enable　him　to　spend　three　days　in　New　York；　and　last　night　he　told　me。　He　came　in　just　after　I　had　got　back　to　the　house　after　leaving　you　and　that　girl；　and　he　was　very　scared。　It　seems　that　when　the　letter　from　the　London　lawyer　came　telling　him　that　he　had　been　left　a　hundred　dollars；　he　got　the　idea　of　raising　money　on　the　strength　of　it。　You　know　Nutty　by　this　time；　so　you　won't　be　surprised　at　the　way　he　went　about　it。　He　borrowed　a　hundred　dollars　from　the　man　at　the　chemist's　on　the　security　of　that　letter；　and　thenI　suppose　it　seemed　so　easy　that　it　struck　him　as　a　pity　to　let　the　opportunity　sliphe　did　the　same　thing　with　four　other　tradesmen。　Nutty's　so　odd　that　I　don't　know　even　now　whether　it　ever　occurred　to　him　that　he　was　obtaining　money　under　false　pretences；　but　the　poor　tradesmen　hadn't　any　doubt　about　it　at　all。　They　pared　notes　and　found　what　had　happened；　and　last　night；　while　we　were　in　the　woods；　one　of　them　came　here　and　called　Nutty　a　good　many　names　and　threatened　him　with　imprisonment。
　'You　can　imagine　how　delighted　Nutty　was　when　I　came　in　and　told　him　that　I　was　engaged　to　you。　In　his　curious　way；　he　took　it　for　granted　that　I　had　heard　about　his　financial　operations；　and　was　doing　it　entirely　for　his　sake；　to　get　him　out　of　his　fix。　And　while　I　was　trying　to　put　him　right　on　that　point　he　began　to　console　me。　You　see；　Nutty　looks　on　you　as　the　enemy　of　the　family；　and　it　didn't　strike　him　that　it　was　possible　that　I　didn't　look　on　you　in　that　light　too。　So；　after　being　delighted　for　a　while；　he　very　sweetly　thought　that　he　ought　to　cheer　me　up　and　point　out　some　of　the　pensations　of　marriage　with　you。　AndWell；　that　was　what　you　heard。　There　you　have　the　full　explanation。　You　can't　possibly　believe　it。'
　She　broke　off　and　began　to　drum　her　fingers　on　the　table。　And　as　she　did　so　there　came　to　Bill　a　sudden　relief　from　all　the　doubts　and　black　thoughts　that　had　tortured　him。　Elizabeth　was　straight。　Whatever　appearances　might　seem　to　suggest；　nothing　could　convince　him　that　she　was　playing　an　underhand　game。　It　was　as　if　something　evil　had　gone　out　of　him。　He　felt　lighter；　cleaner。　He　could　breathe。
　'I　do　believe　it；'　he　said。　'I　believe　every　word　you　say。'
　She　shook　her　head。
　'You　can't　in　the　face　of　the　evidence。'
　'I　believe　it。'
　'No。　You　may　persuade　yourself　for　the　moment　that　you　do；　but　after　a　while　you　will　have　to　go　by　the　evidence。　You　won't　be　able　to　help　yourself。　You　haven't　realized　what　a　crushing　thing　evidence　is。　You　have　to　go　by　it　against　your　will。　You　see；　evidence　is　the　only　guide。　You　don't　know　that　I　am　speaking　the　truth；　you　just　feel　it。　You're　trusting　your　heart　and　not　your　head。　The　head　must　win　in　the　end。　You　might　go　on　believing　for　a　time；　but　sooner　or　later　you　would　be　bound　to　begin　to　doubt　and　worry　and　torment　yourself。　You　couldn't　fight　against　the　evidence；　when　once　your　instinctor　whatever　it　is　that　tells　you　that　I　am　speaking　the　truthhad　begun　to　weaken。　And　it　would　weaken。　Think　what　it　would　have　to　be　fighting　all　the　time。　Think　of　the　case　your　intelligence　would　be　making　out；　day　after　day；　till　it　crushed　you。　It's　impossible　that　you　could　keep　yourself　from　docketing　the　evidence　and　arranging　it　and　absorbing　it。　Think！　Consider　what　you　know　are　actual　facts！　Nutty　invites　you　down　here；　knowing　that　you　are　Lord　Dawlish。　All　you　know　about　my　attitude　towards　Lord　Dawlish　is　what　I　told　you　on　the　first　morning　of　your　visit。　I　told　you　I　hated　him。　Yet；　knowing　you　are　Lord　Dawlish；　I　bee　engaged　to　you。　Directly　afterwards　you　hear　Nutty　consoling　me　as　if　I　were　marrying　you　against　my　will。　Isn't　that　an　absolutely　fair　statement　of　what　has　happened？　How　could　you　go　on　believing　me　with　all　that　against　you？'
　'I　know　you're　straight。　You　couldn't　do　anything　crooked。'
　'The　evidence　proves　that　I　did。'
　'I　don't　care。'
　'Not　now。'
　'Never。'
　She　shook　her　head。
　'It's　dear　of　you；　Bill；　but　you're　promising　an　impossibility。　And　just　because　it's　impossible；　and　because　I　love　you　too　much　to　face　what　would　be　bound　to　happen；　I'm　going　to　send　you　away。'
　'Send　me　away！'
　'Yes。　It's　going　to　hurt。　You　don't　know　how　it's　going　to　hurt；　Bill；　but　it's　the　only　thing　to　do。　I　love　you　too　much　to　live　with　you　for　the　rest　of　my　life　wondering　all　the　time　whether　you　still　believed　or　whether　the　weight　of　the　evidence　had　crushed　out　that　tiny　little　spark　of　intuition　which　is　all　that　makes　you　believe　me　now。　You　could　never　know　the　truth　for　certain；　you　seethat's　the　horror　of　it；　and　sometimes　you　would　be　able　to　make　yourself　believe；　but　more　often；　in　spite　of　all　you　could　do；　you　would　doubt。　It　would　poison　both　our　lives。　Little　things　would　happen；　insignificant　in　themselves；　which　would　bee　tremendously　important　just　because　they　added　a　little　bit　more　to　the　doubt　which　you　would　never　be　able　to　get　rid　of。
　'When　we　had　quarrelswhich　we　should；　as　we　are　both　humanthey　wouldn't　be　over　and　done　with　in　an　hour。　They　would　stick　in　your　mind　and　rankle；　because；　you　see；　they　might　be　proofs　that　I　didn't　really　love　you。　And　then　when　I　seemed　happy　with　you；　you　would　wonder　if　I　was　acting。　I　know　all　this　sounds　morbid　and　exaggerated；　but　it　isn't。　What　have　you　got　to　go　on；　as　regards　me？　What　do　you　really　know　of　me？　If　something　like　this　had　happened　after　we　had　been　married　half　a　dozen　years　and　really　knew　each　other；　we　could　laugh　at　it。　But　we　are　strangers。　We　came　together　and　loved　each　other　because　there　was　something　in　each　of　us　which　attracted　the　other。　We　took　that　little　something　as　a　foundation　and　built　on　it。　But　what　has　happened　has　knocked　away　our　poor　little　foundation。　That's　all。　We　don't　really　know　anything　at　all　about　each　other　for　certain。　It's　just　guesswork。'
　She　broke　off　and　looked　at　the　clock。
　'I　had　better　be　packing　if　you're　to　catch　the　train。'
　He　gave　a　rueful　laugh。
　'You're　throwing　me　out！'
　'Yes；　I　am。　I　want　you　to　go　while　I　am　strong　enough　to　let　you　go。'
　'If　you　really　feel　like　that；　why　send　me　away？'
　'How　do　you　know　I　really　feel　like　that？　How　do　you　know　that　I　am　not　pretending　to　feel　like　that　as　part　of　a　carefully…prepared　plan？'
　He　made　an　impatient　gesture。
　'Yes；　I　know；'　she　said。　'You　think　I　am　going　out　of　my　way　to　manufacture　unnecessary　plications。　I'm　not；　I'm　simply　looking　ahead。　If　I　were　trying　to　trap　you　for　the　sake　of　your　money；　could　I　play　a　stronger　card　than　by　seeming　anxious　to　give　you　up？　If　I　were　to　give　in　now；　sooner　or　later　that　suspicion　would　e　to　you。　You　would　drive　it　away。　You　might　drive　it　away　a　hundred　times。　But　you　couldn't　kill　it。　In　the　end　it　would　beat　you。'
　He　shrugged　his　shoulders　helplessly。
　'I　can't　argue。'
　'Nor　can　I。　I　can　only　put　very　badly　things　which　I　know　are　true。　e　and　pack。'
　'I'll　do　it。　Don't　you　bother。'
　'Nonsense！　No　man　knows　how　to　pack　properly。'
　He　followed　her　to　his　room；　pulled　out　his　suitcase；　the　symbol　of　the　end　of　all　things；　watched　her　as　she　flitted　about；　the　sun　shining　on　her　hair　as　she　passed　and　repassed　the　window。　She　was　picking　things　up；　folding　them；　packing　them。　Bill　looked　on　with　an　aching　sense　of　desolation。　It　was　all　so　friendly；　so　intimate；　so　exactly　as　it　would　have　been　if　she　were　his　wife。　It　seemed　to　him　needlessly　cruel　that　she　should　be　playing　on　this　note　of　domesticity　at　the　moment　when　she　was　barring　for　ever　the　door　between　him　and　happiness。　He　rebelled　helplessly　against　the　attitude　she　had　taken。　He　had　not　thought　it　all　out；　as　she　had　done。　It　was　folly；　insanity；　ruining　their　two　lives　like　this　for　a　scruple。
　Once　again　he　was　to　encounter　that　practical　strain　in　the　feminine　mind　which　jars　upon　a　man　in　trouble。　She　was　holding　something　in　her　hand　and　looking　at　it　with　concern。
　'Why　didn't　you　tell　me？'　she　said。　'Your　socks　are　in　an　awful　state；　poor　boy！'
　He　had　the　feeling　of　having　been　hit　by　something。　A　man　has　not　a　woman's　gift　of　being　able　to　transfer　his　mind　at　will　from　sorrow　to　socks。
　'Like　sieves！'　She　sighed。　A　troubled　frown　wrinkled　her　forehead。　'Men　are　so　helpless！　Oh；　dear；　I'm　sure　you　don't　pay　any　attention　to　anything　important。　I　don't　believe　you　ever　bother　your　head　about　keeping　warm　in　winter　and　not　getting　your　feet　wet。　And　now　I　shan't　be　able　to　look　after　you！'
　Bill's　voice　broke。　He　felt　himself　trembling。
　'Elizabeth！'
　She　was　kneeling　on　the　floor；　her　head　bent　over　the　suitcase。　She　looked　up　and　met　his　eyes。
　'It's　no　use；　Bill；　dear。　I　must。　It's　the　only　way。'
　The　sense　of　the　nearness　of　the　end　broke　down　the　numbness　which　held　him。
　'Elizabeth！　It's　so　utterly　absurd。　It's　justchucking　everything　away！'
　She　was　silent　for　a　moment。
　'Bill；　dear；　I　haven't　said　anything　about　it　before　but　don't　you　see　that　there's　my　side　to　be　considered　too？　I　only　showed　you　that　you　could　never　possibly　know　that　I　loved　you。　How　am　I　to　know　that　you　really　love　me？'
　He　had　moved　a　step　towards　her。　He　drew　back；　chilled。
　'I　can't　do　more　than　tell　you；'　he　said。
　'You　can't。　And　there　you　have　put　in　two　words　just　what　I've　been　trying　to　make　clear　all　the　time。　Don't　you　see　that　that's　the　terrible　thing　about　life；　that　nobody　can　do　more　than　tell　anybody　anything？　Life's　nothing　but　words；　words；　words；　and　how　are　we　to　know　when　words　are　true？　How　am　I　to　know　that　you　didn't　ask　me　to　marry　you　out　of　sheer　pity　and　an　exaggerated　sense　of　justice？'
　He　stared　at　her。
　'That；'　he　said；　'is　absolutely　ridiculous！'
　'Why？　Look　at　it　as　I　should　look　at　it　later　on；　when　whatever　it　is　inside　me　that　tell　me　it's　ridiculous　now　had　died。　Just　at　this　moment；　while　we're　talking　here；　there's　something　stronger　than　reason　which　tells　me　you　really　do　love　me。　But　can't　you　understand　that　that　won't　last？　It's　like　a　candle　burning　on　a　rock　with　the　tide　ing　up　all　round　it。　It's　burning　brightly　enough　now；　and　we　can　see　the　truth　by　the　light　of　it。　But　the　tide　will　put　it　out；　and　then　we　shall　have　nothing　left　to　see　by。　There's　a　great　black　sea　of　suspicion　and　doubt　creeping　up　to　swamp　the　little　spark　of　intuition　inside　us。
　'I　will　tell　you　what　would　happen　to　me　if　I　didn't　send　you　away。　Remember　I　heard　what　that　girl　was　saying　last　night。　Remember　that　you　hated　the　thought　of　depriving　me　of　Uncle　Ira's　money　so　much　that　your　first　act　was　to　try　to　get　me　to　accept　half　of　it。　The　quixotic　thing　is　the　first　that　it　occurs　to　you　to　do；　because　you're　like　that；　because　you're　the　straightest；　whitest　man　I've　ever　known　or　shall　know。　Could　anything　be　more　likely；　looking　at　it　as　I　should　later　on；　than　that　you　should　have　hit　on　the　idea　of　marrying　me　as　the　only　way　of　undoing　the　wrong　you　thought　you　had　done　me？　I've　been　foolish　about　obligations　all　my　life。　I've　a　sort　of　morbid　pride　that　hates　the　thought　of　owing　anything　to　anybody；　of　getting　anything　that　I　have　not　earned。　By　and　by；　if　I　were　to　marry　you；　a　little　rotten　speck　of　doubt　would　begin　to　eat　its　way　farther　and　farther　into　me。　It　would　be　the　same　with　you