sidneysheldon.astrangerinthemirror-第3章

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citing　kitchen　smells；　and　an　unbidden　sexuality　would　stir　within　him。　At　those　moments　Toby　would　gladly　have　died　for　her。　For　the　rest　of　his　life；　the　smell　of　fresh　apples　cooking　in　butter　brought　back　an　instant；　vivid　image　of　his　mother。　
　One　afternoon；　when　Toby　was　twelve　years　old；　Mrs。　Durkin；　the　neighbourhood　gossip；　came　to　visit　them。　Mr。　Durkin　was　a　bony…faced　woman　with　black；　darting　eyes　and　a　tongue　that　was　never　still。　When　she　departed；　Toby　did　an　imitation　of　her　that　had　his　mother　roaring　with　laughter。　It　seemed　to　Toby　that　it　was　the　first　time　he　had　ever　heard　her　laugh。　From　that　moment　on；　Toby　looked　for　ways　to　entertain　her。　He　would　do　devastating　imitations　of　customers　who　came　into　the　butcher　shop　and　of　teachers　and　schoolmates；　and　his　mother　would　go　into　gales　of　laughter。　Toby　had　finally　discovered　a　way　to　win　his　mother's　approval。　He　tried　out　for　a　school　play　No　Account　David；　and　was　given　the　lead。　On　opening　night；　his　mother　sat　in　the　front　row　and　applauded　her　son's　success。　It　was　at　that　moment　that　Frieda　knew　how　God's　promise　was　going　to　e　true。　
　It　was　the　early　1930s；　the　beginning　of　the　Depression；　and　movie　theaters　all　over　the　country　were　trying　every　conceivable　stratagem　to　fill　their　empty　seats。　They　gave　away　dishes　and　radios；　and　had　keno　nights　and　bingo　nights；　and　hired　organists　to　acpany　the　bounding　ball　while　the　audience　sang　along。　And　they　held　amateur　contests。　Frieda　would　carefully　check　the　theatrical　section　of　the　newspaper　to　see　where　contests　were　taking　place。　Then　she　would　take　Toby　there　and　sit　in　the　audience　while　he　did　his　imitations　of　Al　Jolson　and　James　Cagney　and　Eddie　Cantor　and　yell　out；　〃Mein　Himmel！　What　a　talented　boy！〃　Toby　nearly　always　won　first　prize。　He　had　grown　taller；　but　he　was　still　thin；　an　earnest　child　with　guileless；　bright　blue　eyes　set　in　the　face　of　a　cherub。　One　looked　at　him　and　instantly　thought：　innocence。　When　people　saw　Toby　they　wanted　to　put　their　arms　around　him　and　hug　him　and　protect　him　from　life。　They　loved　him　and　on　stage　they　applauded　him。　For　the　first　time　Toby　understood　what　he　was　destined　to　be；　he　was　going　to　be　a　star；　for　his　mother　first；　and　God　second。　
　Toby's　libido　began　to　stir　when　he　was　fifteen。　He　would　masturbate　in　the　bathroom；　the　one　place　he　was　assured　of　privacy；　but　that　was　not　enough。　He　decided　he　needed　a　girl。　One　evening；　Clara　Connors；　the　married　sister　of　a　classmate；　drove　Toby　home　from　an　errand　he　was　doing　for　his　mother。　Clara　was　a　pretty　blonde　with　large　breasts；　and　as　Toby　sat　next　to　her；　he　began　to　get　an　erection。　Nervously；　he　inched　his　hand　across　to　her　lap　and　began　to　fumble　under　her　skirt；　ready　to　withdraw　instantly　if　she　screamed。　Clara　was　more　amused　than　angry；　but　when　Toby　pulled　out　his　penis　and　she　saw　the　size　of　it；　she　invited　him　to　her　house　the　following　afternoon　and　initiated　Toby　into　the　joys　of　sexual　intercourse。　It　was　a　fantastic　experience。　Instead　of　a　soapy　hand；　Toby　had　found　a　soft；　warm　receptacle　that　throbbed　and　grabbed　at　his　penis。　Clara's　moans　and　screams　made　him　grow　hard　again　and　again；　so　that　he　had　orgasm　after　orgasm　without　ever　leaving　the　warm；　wet　nest。　The　size　of　his　penis　had　always　been　a　source　of　secret　shame　to　Toby。　Now　it　had　suddenly　bee　his　glory。　Clara　could　not　keep　this　phenomenon　to　herself；　and　soon　Toby　found　himself　servicing　half　a　dozen　married　women　in　the　neighborhood。　　
　During　the　next　two　years；　Toby　managed　to　deflower　nearly　half　the　girls　in　his　class。　Some　of　Toby's　classmates　were　football　heroes；　or　better　looking　than　he；　or　rich　　but　where　they　failed；　Toby　succeeded。　He　was　the　funniest；　cutest　thing　the　girls　had　ever　seen；　and　it　was　impossible　to　say　no　to　that　innocent　face　and　those　wistful　blue　eyes。　
　In　Toby's　senior　year　in　high　school；　when　he　was　eighteen；　he　was　summoned　to　the　principal's　office。　In　the　room　were　Toby's　mother；　grim…faced；　a　sobbing　sixteen…year　old　Catholic　girl　named　Eileen　Henegan　and　her　father；　a　uniformed　police　sergeant。　The　moment　Toby　entered　the　room；　he　knew　he　was　in　deep　trouble。　
　〃I'll　e　right　to　the　point；　Toby；〃　the　principal　said。　〃Eileen　is　pregnant。　She　says　you're　the　father　of　her　child。　Have　you　had　a　physical　relationship　with　her？〃　
　Toby's　mouth　suddenly　went　dry。　All　he　could　think　of　was　how　much　Eileen　had　enjoyed　it；　how　she　had　moaned　and　begged　for　more。　And　now　this。　
　〃Answer　him；　you　little　son　of　a　bitch！〃　Eileen's　father　bellowed。　〃Did　you　touch　my　daughter？〃　
　Toby　sneaked　a　look　at　his　mother。　That　she　was　here　to　witness　his　shame　upset　him　more　than　anything　else。　He　had　let　her　down；　disgraced　her。　She　would　be　repelled　by　his　behavior。　Toby　resolved　that　if　he　ever　got　out　of　this；　if　God　would　only　help　him　this　once　and　perform　some　kind　of　miracle；　he　would　never　touch　another　girl　as　long　as　he　lived。　He　would　go　straight　to　a　doctor　and　have　himself　castrated；　so　that　he　would　never　even　think　about　sex　again；　and。。。　
　〃Toby。。。〃　His　mother　was　speaking；　her　voice　stern　and　cold。　〃Did　you　go　to　bed　with　this　girl？〃　
　Toby　swallowed；　took　a　deep　breath　and　mumbled；　
　〃Yes；　Mother。〃　
　〃Then　you　will　marry　her。〃　There　was　finality　in　her　tone。　She　looked　at　the　sobbing；　puffy…eyed　girl。　〃Is　that　what　you　want？〃　
　〃Y…yes；〃　Eileen　cried。　〃I　love　Toby。〃　She　turned　to　Toby。　〃They　made　me　tell。　I　didn't　want　to　give　them　your　name。〃　
　Her　father；　the　police　sergeant；　announced　to　the　room　at　large；　〃My　daughter's　only　sixteen。　It's　statutory　rape。　He　could　be　sent　to　jail　for　the　rest　of　his　miserable　life。　But　if　he's　going　to　marry　her。。。〃　
　They　all　turned　to　look　at　Toby。　He　swallowed　again　and　said；　〃Yes；　sir。　I　　I'm　sorry　it　happened。〃　During　the　silent　ride　home　with　his　mother；　Toby　sat　at　her　side；　miserable；　knowing　how　much　he　had　hurt　her。　Now　he　would　have　to　find　a　job　to　support　Eileen　and　the　child。　He　would　probably　have　to　go　to　work　in　the　butcher　shop　and　forget　his　dreams；　all　his　plans　for　the　future。　
　When　they　reached　the　house；　his　mother　said　to　him；　〃e　upstairs。〃　
　Toby　followed　her　to　his　room；　steeling　himself　for　a　lecture。　As　he　watched；　she　took　out　a　suitcase　and　began　packing　his　clothes。　Toby　stared　at　her；　puzzled。　
　〃What　are　you　doing。　Mama？〃　
　〃Me？　I'm　not　doing　anything。　You　are。　You're　going　away　from　here。〃　She　stopped　and　turned　to　face　him。　〃Did　you　think　I　was　going　to　let　you　throw　your　life　away　on　that　nothing　of　a　girl？　So　you　took　her　to　bed　and　she's　going　to　have　a　baby。　That　proves　two　things　　that　you're　human；　and　she's　stupid！　Oh；　no　　no　one　traps　my　son　into　marriage。　God　meant　you　to　be　a　big　man；　Toby。　You'll　go　to　New　York；　and　when　you're　a　famous　star；　you'll　send　for　me。〃　
　He　blinked　back　tears　and　flew　into　her　arms；　and　she　cradled　him　in　her　enormous　bosom。　Toby　suddenly　felt　lost　and　frightened　at　the　thought　of　leaving　her。　And　yet；　there　was　an　excitement　within　him；　the　exhilaration　of　embarking　on　a　new　life。　He　was　going　to　be　in　Show　Business。　He　was　going　to　be　a　star；　he　was　going　to　be　famous。　His　mother　had　said　so。　
　
　In　1939　New　York　City　was　a　mecca　for　the　theater。　The　Depression　was　over。　President　Franklin　Roosevelt　had　promised　that　there　was　nothing　to　fear　but　fear　itself；　that　America　would　be　the　most　prosperous　nadon　on　earth；　and　so　it　was。　Everyone　had　money　to　spend。　There　were　thirty　shows　playing　on　Broadway；　and　all　of　them　seemed　to　be　hits。　Toby　arrived　in　New　York　with　a　hundred　dollars　his　mother　had　given　him。　Toby　knew　he　was　going　to　be　rich　and　famous。　He　would　send　for　his　mother　and　they　would　live　in　a　beautiful　penthouse　and　she　would　e　to　the　theater　every　night　to　watch　the　audience　applaud　him。　In　the　meanme；　he　had　to　find　a　job。　He　went　to　the　stage　doors　of　all　the　Broadway　theaters　and　told　them　about　the　amateur　contests　he　had　won　and　how　talented　he　was。　They　threw　him　out。　During　the　weeks　that　Toby　hunted　for　a　job；　he　sneaked　into　theaters　and　nightclubs　and　watched　the　top　performers　work；　particularly　the　edians。　He　saw　Ben　Blue　and　Joe　E。　Lewis　and　Frank　Fay。　Toby　knew　that　one　day　he　would　be　better　than　all　of　them。　His　money　running　out；　he　took　a　job　as　a　dishwasher。　He　telephoned　his　mother　every　Sunday　morning；　when　the　rates　were　cheaper。　She　told　Toby　about　the　furor　caused　by　his　running　away。　〃You　should　see　them；〃　his　mother　said。　〃The　policeman　es　over　here　in　his　squad　car　every　night。　The　way　he　carries　on；　you　would　think　we　were　all　gangsters。　He　keeps　asking　where　you　are。〃　
　〃What　do　you　tell　him？〃　Toby　asked　anxiously。　〃The　truth。　That　you　slunk　away　like　a　thief　in　the　night；　and　that　if　I　ever　got　my　hands　on　you　I　would　personally　wring　your　neck。〃　Toby　laughed　aloud。　
　During　the　summer；　Toby　managed　to　get　a　job　as　an　assistant　to　a　magician；　a　beady…eyed；　untalented　mountebank　who　performed　under　the　name　of　the　Great　Merlin。　They　played　a　series　of　second…rate　hotels　in　the　Catskills；　and　Toby's　primary　job　was　to　haul　the　heavy　paraphernalia　in　and　out　of　Merlin's　station　wagon；　and　to　guard　the　props；　which　consisted　of　six　white　rabbits；　three　canaries　and　two　hamsters。　Because　of　Merlin's　fears　that　the　props　would　〃get　eaten〃；　Toby　was　forced　to　live　with　them　in　rooms　the　size　of　broom　closets；　and　it　seemed　to　Toby　that　the　whole　summer　consisted　of　one　overpowering　stench。　He　was　in　a　state　of　physical　exhaustion　from　carrying　the　heavy　cabinets　with　trick　sides　and　bottoms　and　running　after　props　that　were　constantly　escaping。　He　was　lonely　and　disappointed。　He　sat　staring　at　the　dingy；　little　rooms；　wondering　what　he　was　doing　here　and　how　this　was　going　to　get　him　started　in　show　business。　He　practiced　his　imitations　in　front　of　the　mirror；　and　his　audience　consisted　of　Merlin's　smelly　little　animals。　
　One　Sunday　as　the　summer　was　drawing　to　a　dose；　Toby　made　his　weekly　telephone　call　home。　This　time　it　was　his　father　who　answered。　
　〃It's　Toby；　Pop。　How　are　you？〃　
　There　was　a　silence。　
　〃Hello！　Are　you　there？〃　
　〃I'm　here；　Toby。〃　Something　in　his　father's　voice　chilled　Toby。　
　〃Where's　Mom？〃　
　〃They　took　her　to　the　hospital　last　night。〃　Toby　clutched　the　receiver　so　hard　that　it　almost　broke　in　his　fist。　
　〃What　happened　to　her？〃　
　〃The　doctor　said　it　was　a　heart　attack。〃　
　Nol　Not　his　mother！　〃She's　going　to　be　all　right；〃　Toby　demanded。　〃Isn't　she？〃　He　was　screaming　into　the　mouthpiece。　〃Tell　me　she's　going　to　be　all　right；　goddam　you！〃　
　From　a　million　miles　away　he　could　hear　his　father　crying。　〃She　　she　died　a　few　hours　ago；　son。〃　
　The　words　washed　over　Toby　like　white…hot　lava；　burning　him；　scalding　him；　until　his　body　felt　as　though　it　were　on　fire。　His　father　was　lying。　She　couldn't　be　dead。　They　had　a　pact。　Toby　was　going　to　be　famous　and　his　mother　was　going　to　be　at　his　side。　There　was　a　beautiful　penthouse　waiting　for　her；　and　a　limousine　and　chauffeur　and　furs　and　diamonds。。。　He　was　sobbing　so　hard　he　could　not　breathe。　
　He　heard　the　distant　voice　saying；　〃Toby！　Toby！〃　
　〃I'm　on　my　way　home。　When　is　the　funeral？〃　
　〃Tomorrow；〃　his　father　said。　〃But　you　mustn't　e　here。　They'll　be　expecting　you；　Toby。　Eileen　is　going　to　have