pgw.adamselindistress-第29章

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here's　no　doubt　whatever　she　would　form　a　flying　wedge　and　bust　up　the　proceedings　with　no　uncertain　voice。　You　see；　laddie；　it's　Miss　Faraday　I'm　marrying；　and　the　materdear　old　soulhas　other　ideas　for　Reginald。　Life's　a　rummy　thing；　isn't　it！　What　I　mean　to　say　is；　it's　rummy；　don't　you　know；　and　all　that。〃
　〃Very；〃　agreed　George。
　〃Who'd　have　thought；　a　week　ago；　that　I'd　be　sitting　in　this　jolly　old　chair　asking　you　to　be　my　best　man？　Why；　a　week　ago　I　didn't　know　you；　and；　if　anybody　had　told　me　Alice　Faraday　was　going　to　marry　me；　I'd　have　given　one　of　those　hollow；　mirthless　laughs。〃
　〃Do　you　want　me　to　be　your　best　man？〃
　〃Absolutely；　if　you　don't　mind。　You　see；〃　said　Reggie　confidentially；　〃it's　like　this。　I've　got　lots　of　pals；　of　course；　buzzing　about　all　over　London　and　its　outskirts；　who'd　be　glad　enough　to　rally　round　and　join　the　execution…squad；　but　you　know　how　it　is。　Their　maters　are　all　pals　of　my　mater；　and　I　don't　want　to　get　them　into　trouble　for　aiding　and　abetting　my　little　show；　if　you　understand　what　I　mean。　Now；　you're　different。　You　don't　know　the　mater；　so　it　doesn't　matter　to　you　if　she　rolls　around　and　puts　the　Curse　of　the　Byngs　on　you；　and　all　that　sort　of　thing。　Besides；　I　don't　know。〃　Reggie　mused。　　〃Of　course；　this　is　the　happiest　day　of　my　life；〃　he　proceeded；　〃and　I'm　not　saying　it　isn't；　but　you　know　how　it　isthere's　absolutely　no　doubt　that　a　chappie　does　not　show　at　his　best　when　he's　being　married。　What　I　mean　to　say　is；　he's　more　or　less　bound　to　look　a　fearful　ass。　And　I'm　perfectly　certain　it　would　put　me　right　off　my　stroke　if　I　felt　that　some　chump　like　Jack　Ferris　or　Ronnie　Fitzgerald　was　trying　not　to　giggle　in　the　background。　So；　if　you　will　be　a　sportsman　and　e　and　hold　my　hand　till　the　thing's　over；　I　shall　be　eternally　grateful。〃
　〃Where　are　you　going　to　be　married？〃
　〃In　London。　Alice　sneaked　off　there　last　night。　It　was　easy；　as　it　happened；　because　by　a　bit　of　luck　old　Marshmoreton　had　gone　to　town　yesterday　morningnobody　knows　why：　he　doesn't　go　up　to　London　more　than　a　couple　of　times　a　year。　　She's　going　to　meet　me　at　the　Savoy；　and　then　the　scheme　was　to　toddle　round　to　the　nearest　registrar　and　request　the　lad　to　unleash　the　marriage　service。　　I'm　whizzing　up　in　the　car；　and　I'm　hoping　to　be　able　to　persuade　you　to　e　with　me。　Say　the　word；　laddie！〃
　George　reflected。　He　liked　Reggie；　and　there　was　no　particular　reason　in　the　world　why　he　should　not　give　him　aid　and　fort　in　this　crisis。　True；　in　his　present　frame　of　mind；　it　would　be　torture　to　witness　a　wedding　ceremony；　but　he　ought　not　to　let　that　stand　in　the　way　of　helping　a　friend。
　〃All　right；〃　he　said。
　〃Stout　fellow！　I　don't　know　how　to　thank　you。　It　isn't　putting　you　out　or　upsetting　your　plans；　I　hope；　or　anything　on　those　lines？〃
　〃Not　at　all。　I　had　to　go　up　to　London　today；　anyway。〃
　〃Well；　you　can't　get　there　quicker　than　in　my　car。　She's　a　hummer。　By　the　way；　I　forgot　to　ask。　How　is　your　little　affair　ing　along？　Everything　going　all　right？〃
　〃In　a　way；〃　said　George。　He　was　not　equal　to　confiding　his　troubles　to　Reggie。
　〃Of　course；　your　trouble　isn't　like　mine　was。　What　I　mean　is；　Maud　loves　you；　and　all　that；　and　all　you've　got　to　think　out　is　a　scheme　for　laying　the　jolly　old　family　a　stymie。　It's　a　　pityalmostthat　yours　isn't　a　case　of　having　to　win　the　girl；　like　me；　because　by　Jove；　laddie；〃　said　Reggie　with　solemn　emphasis；　〃I　could　help　you　there。　I've　got　the　thing　down　fine。　I've　got　the　infallible　dope。〃
　George　smiled　bleakly。
　〃You　have？　You're　a　useful　fellow　to　have　around。　I　wish　you　would　tell　me　what　it　is。〃
　〃But　you　don't　need　it。〃
　〃No；　of　course　not。　I　was　forgetting。〃
　Reggie　looked　at　his　watch。
　〃We　ought　to　be　shifting　in　a　quarter　of　an　hour　or　so。　I　don't　want　to　be　late。　It　appears　that　there's　a　catch　of　some　sort　in　this　business　of　getting　married。　As　far　as　I　can　make　out；　if　you　roll　in　after　a　certain　hour；　the　Johnnie　in　charge　of　the　proceedings　gives　you　the　miss…in…baulk；　and　you　have　to　turn　up　again　next　day。　However；　we　shall　be　all　right　unless　we　have　a　breakdown；　and　there's　not　much　chance　of　that。　I've　been　tuning　up　the　old　car　since　seven　this　morning；　and　she's　sound　in　wind　and　limb；　absolutely。　Oilpetrolwaterairnutsboltssprockets　carburetterall　present　and　correct。　I've　been　looking　after　them　like　a　lot　of　baby　sisters。　Well；　as　I　was　saying；　I've　got　the　dope。　A　week　ago　I　was　just　one　of　the　mugsdidn't　know　a　thing　about　itbut　now！　Gaze　on　me；　laddie！　You　see　before　you　old　Colonel　Romeo；　the　Man　who　Knows！　It　all　started　on　the　night　of　the　ball。　There　was　the　dickens　of　a　big　ball；　you　know；　to　celebrate　old　Boots'　ing…of…ageto　which；　poor　devil；　he　contributed　nothing　but　the　sunshine　of　his　smile；　never　having　learned　to　dance。　On　that　occasion　a　most　rummy　and　extraordinary　thing　happened。　I　got　pickled　to　the　eyebrows！〃　He　laughed　happily。　〃I　don't　mean　that　that　was　a　unique　occurrence　and　so　forth；　because；　when　I　was　a　bachelor；　it　was　rather　a　habit　of　mine　to　get　a　trifle　submerged　every　now　and　again　on　occasions　of　decent　mirth　and　festivity。　But　the　rummy　thing　that　night　was　that　I　showed　it。　　Up　till　then；　I've　been　told　by　experts；　I　was　a　chappie　in　whom　it　was　absolutely　impossible　to　detect　the　symptoms。　You　might　get　a　bit　suspicious　if　you　found　I　couldn't　move；　but　you　could　never　be　certain。　On　the　night　of　the　ball；　however；　I　suppose　I　had　been　filling　the　radiator　a　trifle　too　enthusiastically。　　You　see；　I　had　deliberately　tried　to　shove　myself　more　or　less　below　the　surface　in　order　to　get　enough　nerve　to　propose　to　Alice。　　I　don't　know　what　your　experience　has　been；　but　mine　is　that　proposing's　a　thing　that　simply　isn't　within　the　scope　of　a　man　who　isn't　moderately　woozled。　I've　often　wondered　how　marriages　ever　occur　in　the　dry　States　of　America。　Well；　as　I　was　saying；　on　the　night　of　the　ball　a　most　rummy　thing　happened。　I　thought　one　of　the　waiters　was　you？〃
　He　paused　impressively　to　allow　this　startling　statement　to　sink　in。
　〃And　was　he？〃　said　George。
　〃Absolutely　not！　That　was　the　rummy　part　of　it。　He　looked　as　like　you　as　your　twin　brother。〃
　〃I　haven't　a　twin　brother。〃
　〃No；　I　know　what　you　mean；　but　what　I　mean　to　say　is　he　looked　just　like　your　twin　brother　would　have　looked　if　you　had　had　a　twin　brother。　Well；　I　had　a　word　or　two　with　this　chappie；　and　after　a　brief　conversation　it　was　borne　in　upon　me　that　I　was　up　to　the　gills。　Alice　was　with　me　at　the　time；　and　noticed　it　too。　Now　you'd　have　thought　that　that　would　have　put　a　girl　off　a　fellow；　and　all　that。　But　no。　Nobody　could　have　been　more　sympathetic。　And　she　has　confided　to　me　since　that　it　was　seeing　me　in　my　oiled　condition　that　really　turned　the　scale。　What　I　mean　is；　she　made　up　her　mind　to　save　me　from　myself。　You　know　how　some　girls　are。　Angels　absolutely！　　Always　on　the　look　out　to　pluck　brands　from　the　burning；　and　what　not。　You　may　take　it　from　me　that　the　good　seed　was　definitely　sown　that　night。〃
　〃Is　that　your　recipe；　then？　You　would　advise　the　would…be　bridegroom　to　buy　a　case　of　champagne　and　a　wedding　licence　and　get　to　work？　After　that　it　would　be　all　over　except　sending　out　the　invitations？〃
　Reggie　shook　his　head。
　〃Not　at　all。　You　need　a　lot　more　than　that。　That's　only　the　start。　You've　got　to　follow　up　the　good　work；　you　see。　That's　where　a　number　of　chappies　would　slip　up；　and　I'm　pretty　certain　I　should　have　slipped　up　myself；　but　for　another　singularly　rummy　occurrence。　Have　you　ever　had　a　what…do…you…call　it？　　What's　the　word　I　want？　One　of　those　things　fellows　get　sometimes。〃
　〃Headaches？〃　hazarded　George。
　〃No；　no。　Nothing　like　that。　I　don't　mean　anything　you　getI　mean　something　you　get；　if　you　know　what　I　mean。〃
　〃Measles？〃
　〃Anonymous　letter。　That's　what　I　was　trying　to　say。　It's　a　most　extraordinary　thing；　and　I　can't　understand　even　now　where　the　deuce　they　came　from；　but　just　about　then　I　started　to　get　a　whole　bunch　of　anonymous　letters　from　some　chappie　unknown　who　didn't　sign　his　name。〃
　〃What　you　mean　is　that　the　letters　were　anonymous；〃　said　George。
　〃Absolutely。　I　used　to　get　two　or　three　a　day　sometimes。　　Whenever　I　went　up　to　my　room；　I'd　find　another　waiting　for　me　on　the　dressing…table。〃
　〃Offensive？〃
　〃Eh？〃
　〃Were　the　letters　offensive？　Anonymous　letters　usually　are。〃
　〃These　weren't。　Not　at　all；　and　quite　the　reverse。　They　contained　a　series　of　perfectly　topping　tips　on　how　a　fellow　should　proceed　who　wants　to　get　hold　of　a　girl。〃
　〃It　sounds　as　though　somebody　had　been　teaching　you　ju…jitsu　by　post。〃
　〃They　were　great！　Real　red…hot　stuff　straight　from　the　stable。　Priceless　tips　like　'Make　yourself　indispensable　to　her　in　little　ways'；　'Study　her　tastes'；　and　so　on　and　so　forth。　I　tell　you；　laddie；　I　pretty　soon　stopped　worrying　about　who　was　sending　them　to　me；　and　concentrated　the　old　bean　on　acting　on　them。　　They　worked　like　magic。　The　last　one　came　yesterday　morning；　and　it　was　a　topper！　It　was　all　about　how　a　chappie　who　was　nervous　should　proceed。　Technical　stuff；　you　know；　about　holding　her　hand　and　telling　her　you're　lonely　and　being　sincere　and　straightforward　and　letting　your　heart　dictate　the　rest。　　Have　you　ever　asked　for　one　card　when　you　wanted　to　fill　a　royal　flush　and　happened　to　pick　out　the　necessary　ace？　I　did　once；　when　I　was　up　at　Oxford；　and；　by　Jove；　this　letter　gave　me　just　the　same　thrill。　I　didn't　hesitate。　I　just　sailed　in。　I　was　cold　sober；　but　I　didn't　worry　about　that。　Something　told　me　I　couldn't　lose。　It　was　like　having　to　hole　out　a　three…inch　putt。　　Andwell；　there　you　are；　don't　you　know。〃　Reggie　became　thoughtful。　〃Dash　it　all！　I'd　like　to　know　who　the　fellow　was　who　sent　me　those　letters。　I'd　like　to　send　him　a　wedding…present　or　a　bit　of　the　cake　or　something。　Though　I　suppose　there　won't　be　any　cake；　seeing　the　thing's　taking　place　at　a　registrar's。〃
　〃You　could　buy　a　bun；〃　suggested　George。
　〃Well；　I　shall　never　know；　I　suppose。　And　now　how　about　trickling　forth？　I　say；　laddie；　you　don't　object　if　I　sing　slightly　from　time　to　time　during　the　journey？　I'm　so　dashed　happy；　you　know。〃
　〃Not　at　all；　if　it's　not　against　the　traffic　regulations。〃
　Reggie　wandered　aimlessly　about　the　room　in　an　ecstasy。
　〃It's　a　rummy　thing；〃　he　said　meditatively；　〃I've　just　remembered　that；　when　I　was　at　school；　I　used　to　sing　a　thing　called　the　what's…it's…name's　wedding　song。　At　house…suppers；　don't　you　know；　and　what　not。　Jolly　little　thing。　I　daresay　you　know　it。　　It　starts　'Ding　dong！　Ding　dong！'　or　words　to　that　effect；　'Hurry　along！　For　it　is　my　wedding…morning！'　I　remember　you　had　to　stretch　out　the　'mor'　a　bit。　Deuced　awkward；　if　you　hadn't　laid　in　enough　breath。　'The　Yeoman's　Wedding…Song。'　That　was　it。　I　knew　it　was　some　chappie　or　other's。　And　it　went　on　'And　the　bride　in　something　or　other　is　doing　something　I　can't　recollect。'　Well；　what　I　mean　is；　now　it's　my　wedding…morning！　Rummy；　when　you　e　to　think　of　it；　what？　Well；　as　it's　getting　tolerable　late；　what　about　it？　Shift　ho？〃
　〃I'm　ready。　Would　you　like　me　to　bring　some　rice？〃
　〃Thank　you；　laddie；　no。　Dashed　dangerous　stuff；　rice！　　Worse　than　shrapnel。　Got　your　hat？　All　set？〃
　〃I'm　waiting。〃
　〃Then　let　the　revels　mence；〃　said　Reggie。　〃Ding　dong！　　Ding