annr.pandora-第18章

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se　me。　In　a　flash　I　saw　the　beautiful　Queen　weeping。　No。　She　screamed。　Cried　for　help。
　〃Get　away　from　me；〃　I　whispered　to　the　air　around　me。　〃Fly　from　me；　all　things　that　are　impure　and　evil。　Get　away　from　me　as　I　enter　the　house　of　my　Blessed　Mother。〃
　The　Priestess　took　me　in　hand。　I　heard　voices　from　my　dream　in　violent　argument。　I　strained　to　dear　my　vision；　to　see　the　worshipers　ing　and　going　towards　the　Sanctuary　to　meditate　or　to　make　sacrifice；　to　ask　for　some　favor。　I　tried　to　realize　it　was　a　big　busy　crowd；　very　little　different　from　Rome。
　But　the　touch　of　the　Priestess　enfeebled　me。　Her　painted　eyes　struck　terror。　Her　broad　necklace　caused　me　to　blink　my　eyes。　Row　upon　row　of　flat　stones。
　I　was　taken　into　a　private　apartment　of　the　Temple　by　her；　offered　a　sumptuous　couch。　I　lay　back　exhausted。　〃Fly　from　me；　all　things　evil；〃　I　whispered。　〃Including　dreams。〃
　The　Priestess　sat　beside　me　and　enfolded　me　in　her　silken　arms。　I　looked　up　into　a　mask！
　〃Talk　to　me；　suffering　one；〃　she　said　in　Latin　with　a　thick　accent。　〃Speak　all　that　must　e　forth。〃
　Suddenly　…　uncontrollably　…　I　poured　out　my　whole　family　story；　the　annihilation　of　my　family；　my　guilt；　my　travails。
　〃What　if　I　was　the　cause　of　my　family's　downfall　…　my　worship　at　the　Temple　of　Isis？　What　if　Tiberius　had　remembered　it？　What　have　I　done？　The　Priests　were　crucified　and　I　did　nothing。　What　does　Mother　Isis　want　of　me？　I　want　to　die。〃
　〃That　she　does　not　want　of　you；〃　said　the　Priestess；　staring　at　me。　Her　eyes　were　huge；　or　was　it　the　paint？　No；　I　could　see　the　whites　of　her　eyes；　so　glistening　and　pure。　Her　painted　mouth　let　loose　words　like　a　tiny　breeze　in　a　monotone。
　I　was　fast　being　delirious　and　totally　unreasonable。　I　murmured　what　I　could　about　my　initiation；　what　details　I　could　tell　a　Priestess；　for　all　these　things　were　highly　secret；　you　know；　but　I　confirmed　for　her　that　I　had　been　reborn　in　the　rites。
　All　the　stored…up　weakness　in　me　was　cut　loose　in　a　flood。
　Then　I　lay　down　my　guilt。　I　confessed　that　I　had；　early　on；　left　the　Cult　of　Isis；　that　in　recent　years；　I　had　walked　only　in　the　public　processions　to　the　sea；　when　the　goddess　was　carried　to　the　shore　to　bless　the　ships。　Isis；　the　goddess　of　Navigation。　I　had　not　lived　a　life　of　devotion。
　I　had　done　nothing　when　the　Priests　of　Isis　were　crucified；　except　speak　out　with　many　others　behind　the　Emperor's　back。　There　had　been　a　solidarity　between　me　and　those　Romans　who　thought　Tiberius　was　a　monster；　but　we　had　not　raised　our　voices　in　defense　of　Isis。　My　Father　had　told　me　to　remain　silent。　So　I　had。　This　was　the　same　Father　who　had　told　me　to　live。
　I　turned　over　and　slipped　down　off　this　couch　and　I　lay　on　the　tiled　floor。　I　don't　know　why。　I　pressed　my　cheek　to　the　cold　tile。　I　liked　the　coldness　against　my　face。　I　was　in　a　state　of　madness；　but　not　an　uncontrollable　state。　I　lay　staring。
　I　knew　one　thing。　I　wanted　to　get　out　of　this　Temple！　I　didn't　like　it。　No；　this　had　been　a　very　bad　idea。
　I　hated　myself　suddenly　for　having　bee　so　vulnerable　to　this　woman；　whatever　sort　she　was；　and　the　atmosphere　of　the　blood　dreams　beckoned　to　me。
　I　opened　my　eyes。　The　Priestess　bent　over　me。　I　saw　the　weeping　Queen　of　my　nightmares。　I　turned　away　and　shut　my　eyes。
　〃Be　at　peace；〃　she　said　in　her　calculated　and　perfected　voice。　〃You　did　nothing　wrong；〃　said　the　Priestess。
　It　seemed　preposterous　that　such　a　voice　should　issue　from　such　a　painted　face　and　form；　but　the　voice　was　definite。
　〃First；〃　the　Priestess　said；　〃you　must　understand　that　Mother　Isis　forgives　anything。　She　is　the　Mother　of　Mercy。〃　Then　she　said；　〃You　have　been　more　fully　initiated　by　your　description　than　most　here　or　anywhere。　You　made　a　long　fast。　You　bathed　in　the　sacred　blood　of　the　bull。　You　must　have　drunk　the　potion。　You　dreamed　and　saw　yourself　reborn。〃
　〃Yes；〃　I　said；　trying　to　revive　the　old　ecstasy；　the　priceless　gift　of　belief　in　something。　〃Yes。　I　saw　the　stars　and　great　fields　of　flowers；　such　fields。。。〃
　It　was　no　good。　I　was　scared　of　this　woman　and　I　wanted　to　get　out　of　there。　I'd　go　home　and　confess　all　this　to　Flavius　and　make　him　let　me　weep　on　his　shoulder。
　〃I　am　not　pious　by　nature；〃　I　confessed。　〃I　was　young。　I　loved　the　free　women　who　went　there；　the　women　who　slept　with　whom　they　chose；　the　whores　of　Rome；　the　keepers　of　the　houses　of　pleasure；　I　liked　women　who　thought　for　themselves；　and　followed　the　goings…on　of　the　Empire。〃
　〃You　can　enjoy　such　pany　here　as　well；〃　said　the　Priestess；　without　batting　an　eye。　〃And　don't　fear　that　your　old　ties　to　the　Temple　caused　your　downfall　in　Rome。　We　have　plenty　of　news　to　confirm　that　the　highborn　were　not　persecuted　by　Tiberius　when　he　destroyed　the　Temple。　It　is　always　the　poor　who　suffer：　the　street　whore　and　the　simple　weaver；　the　hairdresser；　the　bricklayer。　No　noble　family　was　persecuted　in　the　name　of　Isis。　You　know　that。　Some　women　fled　to　Alexandria　because　they　would　not　give　up　the　worship；　but　they　were　never　in　danger；〃
　The　dreams　approached。　〃Oh；　Mother　of　God；〃　I　whispered。
　The　Priestess　went　on　talking。
　〃You；　like　Mother　Isis；　have　been　the　victim　of　tragedy。　And　you；　like　Mother　Isis；　must　take　strength　and　walk　alone；　as　Isis　did　when　her　husband；　Osiris；　was　slain。　Who　helped　her　when　she　searched　all　over　Egypt　for　the　body　of　her　murdered　husband；　Osiris？　She　walked　alone。　She　is　the　greatest　of　the　goddesses。　When　she　recovered　the　body　of　her　husband；　Osiris；　and　could　find　no　organ　of　generation　for　him　with　which　she　might　be　impregnated；　she　drew　the　semen　right　from　his　spirit。　Thus；　the　god　Horus　was　born　of　a　woman　and　a　god。　It　was　the　power　of　Isis　who　drew　the　spirit　from　the　dead　man。　It　is　Isis　who　tricked　the　god　Ra　into　revealing　his　name。〃
　That　was　the　old　tale　all　right。
　I　looked　away　from　the　Priestess。　I　was　unable　to　look　at　her　decorated　face！　Surely　she　felt　my　revulsion。　I　must　not　hurt　her。　She　meant　well。　It　wasn't　her　fault　that　she　looked　to　me　like　a　monster。　Why　in　hell　had　I　e　here！
　I　lay　dazed。　The　room　had　a　soft　golden　light　ing　mainly　through　its　three　doors；　and　they　were　cut　Egyptian…style；　these　doors；　wider　at　the　base　than　at　the　top；　and　I　let　this　light　make　a　blur　of　my　vision。　I　asked　the　light　to　do　this。
　I　felt　the　Priestess's　hand。　Such　silken　warmth。　So　lovely；　her　touch；　her　sweetness。
　〃Do　you　believe　all　of　it！〃　I　suddenly　whispered。
　She　pletely　ignored　this　question。　Her　painted　mask　gave　forth　the　creed。
　〃You　must　be　like　Mother　Isis。　Depend　on　no　one。　You　don't　have　the　burden　of　recovering　a　lost　husband　or　father。　You　are　free。　Receive　into　your　house　men　with　love　as　you　choose。　You　belong　to　no　one　but　Mother　Isis。　Remember；　Isis　is　the　goddess　who　loves；　the　goddess　who　forgives；　the　goddess　of　infinite　understanding　because　she　herself　has　suffered！〃
　〃Suffered！〃　I　gasped。　I　moaned；　a　very　unmon　sound　for　me；　most　of　my　life。　But　I　saw　the　weeping　Queen　of　my　nightmares；　bound　to　her　throne；
　〃Listen　to　this；〃　I　said；　〃the　dreams　I　will　now　recount；　and　then　tell　me　why　it　is　happening。〃　I　knew　my　voice　sounded　angry。　I　was　sorry　for　it。　〃These　dreams　don't　e　from　wine　or　potions；　or　after　long　periods　of　wakefulness　that　twist　the　mind。〃
　Then　I　launched　into　another　totally　unplanned　confession。
　I　told　this　woman　of　the　blood　dreams；　the　dreams　of　ancient　Egypt　in　which　I　had　drunk　blood　…　the　altar；　the　Temple；　the　desert；　the　sun　rising。
　〃Amon　Ra！〃　I　said。　This　was　the　Egyptian　name　for　the　sun　god；　but　I　had　never　spoken　it　to　my　knowledge。　I　said　it　now。　〃Yes；　Isis　tricked　him　into　revealing　his　name；　but　he　killed　me　and　I　was　her　blood　drinker；　do　you　hear　me；　a　thirsty　god！〃
　〃No！〃　said　the　Priestess。　She　sat　motionless。
　She　thought　for　a　long　while。　I　had　scared　her　and　now　this　scared　me　all　the　more。
　〃Can　you　read　the　ancient　picture　writing　of　Egypt？〃　she　asked。
　〃No；〃　I　said。
　Then　she　said；　in　a　more　relaxed　and　vulnerable　tone：
　〃You　speak　of　very　old　legends；　legends　buried　in　the　history　of　our　worship　of　Isis　and　Osiris；　that　they　once　did　indeed　take　the　blood　of　their　victims　as　sacrifice。　There　are　scrolls　here　that　tell　of　this。　But　nobody　can　really　decipher　them；　except　for　one。。。〃
　Her　voice　trailed　off。
　〃Who　is　the　one？〃　I　asked。　I　sat　up　on　my　elbows。　I　realized　the　plaits　of　my　hair　had　e　undone。　Good。　It　felt　good　because　it　was　free　now　and　clean。　I　raked　my　hair　with　both　hands。
　What　did　it　feel　like　to　be　entombed　in　paint　and　wig　like　this　Priestess？
　〃Tell　me；〃　I　said；　〃who　is　the　one　who　can　read　these　legends。　Tell　me！〃
　〃These　are　evil　tales；〃　she　said；　〃that　Isis　herself　and　Osiris　live　on；　somewhere；　in　material　form；　taking　blood　even　now。〃　She　made　an　expression　of　denial　and　disgust。　〃But　this　is　not　our　worship！　We　sacrifice　no　humans　here！　Egypt　was　old　and　wise　before　Rome　was　born！〃
　Who　was　she　trying　to　convince？　MD
　〃I've　never　had　such　dreams；　in　a　string　like　this；　with　the　same　theme。〃
　She　became　very　worked　up　with　her　declarations。
　〃Our　Mother　Isis　has　no　taste　for　blood。　She　has　conquered　death　and　set　her　husband　Osiris　as　King　of　the　Dead；　but　for　us；　she　is　life　itself。　She　didn't　send　you　these　dreams。〃
　〃Probably　not！　I　agree　with　you。　But　then　who　did？　Where　do　they　e　from？　Why　did　they　pursue　me　at　sea'？　Who　is　this　one　who　can　read　the　old　writing？〃
　She　was　shaken。　She　had　let　go　of　me　and　she　stared　off；　her　eyes　taking　on　a　deceptive　ferocity　due　to　the　black　lining。
　〃Perhaps　somewhere　in　childhood　you　heard　an　old　tale；　maybe　an　old　Egyptian　Priest　told　it　to　you。　You　forgot　it；　and　now　it　flames　in　your　tortured　mind。　It　feeds　on　fires　to　which　it　has　no　right　…　your　Father's　death。〃
　〃Yes；　well；　I　certainly　hope　so；　but　I've　never　known　an　old　Egyptian。　At　the　Temple；　the　Priests　were　Roman。　Besides；　if　we　take　the　dreams　and　lay　them　out；　what　is　the　pattern　there？　Why　is　the　Queen　weeping？　Why　does　the　sun　kill　me？　The　Queen　is　in　fetters。　The　Queen　is　a　prisoner。　The　Queen　is　in　agony！〃
　〃Stop。〃　The　Priestess　shuddered。　Then　she　put　her　arms　around　me；　as　if　it　was　she　who　needed　me。　I　felt　her　stiff　linen　and　the　thick　hair　of　her　wig；　and　beneath　it　the　hurried　pounding　of　her　heart。　〃No；〃　she　said。　〃You're　possessed　of　a　demon；　and　we　can　drive　this　demon　out　of　you！　Maybe　the　way　was　opened　for　this　wretched　demon　when　your　Father　was　attacked　at　his　own　Hearth。〃
　〃You　really　believe　it's　possible？〃　I　asked。
　〃Listen；〃　she　said　as　casually　now　as　one　of　the　women　outside。　〃I　want　you　to　be　bathed；　to　have　fresh　garments。　This　money；　what　portion　can　you　give　me？　If　none；　we　will　provide　all　for　you。　We　are　rich　here。〃
　〃Here's　plenty。　I　don't　care。〃　I　pulled　the　purse　loose　from　my　girdle。
　〃I　will　have　everything　done　for　you。　Fresh　clothes。　This　silk　is　too　fragile。〃
　〃You　are　telling　me！〃　I　said。
　〃This　mantle　is　torn。　Your　hair　is　unbed。〃
　I　spilled　out　a　dozen　or　so　gold　coins；　more　than　I　had　paid　for　Flavius。
　It　shocked　her；　but　she　covered　up　the　shock　very　quickly。　Suddenly　she　stared　at　me；　and　her　painted　mask　managed　to　make　a　flexible　expression；　a　frown。　I　thought　it　might　crack。
　I　thought　she　might　weep。　I　was　being　a　regular　expert　in　making　p