annr.pandora-第34章

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　〃How　do　you　interpret　it？〃　he　asked　gently。　He　tried　to　take　my　hand　but　I　withdrew　it。
　〃It's　bits　and　pieces　of　her　recollection；〃　I　said。　I　was　heartbroken。　〃It's　what　she　remembers。　There　is　but　one　suggestion　of　a　future　in　it　all；〃　I　said。　〃There　is　only　one　prehensible　image　of　a　wish：　our　wedding；　that　we　be　together。〃；　My　voice　was　full　of　sadness；　yet　I　asked　him。
　〃Why　do　you　weep　again；　Marius？〃　I　asked。　〃She　must　gather　recollections　like　flowers　picked　at　random　from　the　garden　of　the　world；　like　leaves　falling　into　her　hands；　and　from　these　recollections　she　fastened　for　me　a　garland！　A　wedding　garland！　A　trap。　I　have　no　migrant　soul。　I　think　not。　If　I　did　have　a　migrant　soul；　then　why　would　she　alone；　one　so　archaic；　helpless；　irrelevant　to　the　world　itself；　so　out　of　fashion　and　out　of　power；　be　the　one　to　know　this？　To　make　it　known　to　me？　The　only　one　to　know？〃
　I　looked　at　him。　He　was　engaged　yet　crying。　He　showed　no　shame　in　it；　and　would　obviously　render　no　apology。
　〃What　was　it　you　said　before？〃　I　asked。　〃　'That　I　can　read　minds　makes　me　no　wiser　than　the　next　man'？〃　I　smiled。　〃That　is　the　key。　How　she　laughed　as　she　led　me　to　you。　How　she　wanted　me　to　behold　you　in　your　loneliness。〃
　He　only　nodded。
　〃I　wonder　how　she　knew　to　cast　her　net　so　far；〃　I　said；　〃to　find　me　across　the　rolling　sea。〃
　〃Lucius；　that's　how　she　knew。　She　hears　voices　from　many　lands。　She　sees　what　she　wants　to　see。　One　night　here　I　badly　startled　a　Roman；　who　appeared　to　recognize　me　and　then　slunk　away　as　if　I　were　a　danger　to　him。　I　went　after　him；　thinking　vaguely　that　there　was　something　to　this；　his　excessive　fear。
　〃I　soon　realized　a　great　weight　distorted　his　conscience　and　twisted　his　every　thought　and　movement。　He　was　terrified　to　be　recognized　by　someone　from　the　capital。　He　wanted　to　leave。
　〃He　went　to　the　house　of　a　Greek　merchant；　pounding　on　the　door　late；　by　torchlight；　and　demanded　the　payment　of　a　debt　owed　to　your　Father。　The　Greek　told　him　what　he　had　told　him　before；　that　the　money　would　be　repaid　only　to　your　Father　himself。
　〃The　next　night　I　sought　Lucius　out　again。　This　time　the　Greek　had　a　surprise　for　him。　A　letter　had　just　e　from　your　Father　by　military　ship。　This　was　perhaps　four　days　before　your　own　arrival。　The　letter　plainly　stated　that　a　favor　was　being　asked　of　the　Greek　by　your　Father　in　the　name　of　Hospitality　and　Honor。　If　the　favor　was　granted；　all　debts　were　canceled。　Everything　would　be　explained　by　a　letter　acpanying　a　cargo　destined　for　Antioch。　The　cargo　would　take　some　time；　as　the　ship　had　many　stops　to　make。　The　favor　was　of　crucial　importance。
　〃When　your　brother　saw　the　date　of　this　letter；　he　was　stricken。　The　Greek；　who　was　thoroughly　sick　of　Lucius　by　this　time；　slammed　the　door　in　his　face。
　〃I　accosted　Lucius　only　steps　away。　Of　course　he　remembered　me；　the　eccentric　Marius　of　long　ago。　I　pretended　surprise　to　see　him　here　and　asked　after　you。　He　was　in　a　panic　and　made　up　some　story　about　your　being　married　and　living　in　Tuscany；　and　said　that　he　was　on　his　way　out　of　town。　He　hurried　off。　But　the　moment's　contact　had　been　enough　to　see　the　testimony　he'd　given　the　Praetorian　Guard　against　his　family　…　all　lies　…　and　to　imagine　the　deeds　that　had　resulted　from　it。
　〃The　next　time；　on　waking；　I　couldn't　find　him。　I　kept　watch　on　the　house　of　the　Greeks。　I　weighed　in　my　mind　a　visit　to　the　old　man；　the　Greek　merchant；　some　way　to　lay　down　a　friendship　with　him。　I　thought　of　you。　I　pictured　you。　I　remembered　you。　I　made　up　poems　in　my　head　about　you。　I　didn't　hear　or　see　anything　of　your　brother。　I　presumed　he'd　left　Antioch。
　〃Then　one　night　I　awoke　and　came　upstairs　and　looked　out　to　see　the　city　full　of　random　fires。
　〃Germanicus　had　died；　never　retracting　his　accusations　that　Piso　had　poisoned　him。
　〃When　I　reached　the　house　of　the　Greek　merchant；　it　was　nothing　but　burnt　timbers。　I　caught　no　sight　or　sound　of　your　brother　anywhere。　For　all　I　knew　they　were　all　dead；　your　brother；　and　the　Greek　merchant　family。
　〃All　through　the　nights　after；　I　searched　for　sight　or　sound　of　Lucius。　I　had　no　idea　you　were　here；　only　an　obsessive　longing　for　you。　I　tried　to　remind　myself　that　if　I　mourned　for　every　mortal　tie　I　had　had　when　alive；　I　would　go　mad　long　before　I　had　learnt　anything　about　my　gifts　from　our　King　and　Queen。
　〃Then；　I　was　in　the　bookseller's　and　it　was　early　evening　and　the　Priest　slipped　up　to　me。　He　pointed　to　you。　There　you　stood　in　the　Forum；　and　the　philosopher　and　students　were　bidding　you　farewell。　I　was　so　dose！
　〃I　was　so　overe　with　love　I　didn't　even　listen　to　the　Priest　until　I　realized　he　was　speaking　of　strange　dreams　as　he　pointed　to　you。　He　was　saying　that　only　I　could　put　it　all　together。　It　had　to　do　with　the　blood　drinker　who　had　recently　been　in　Antioch；　not　an　unmon　occurrence。　I　have　slain　other　blood　drinkers　before。　I've　vowed　to　catch　this　one。
　〃Then　I　saw　Lucius。　I　saw　you　e　together。　His　anger　and　guilt　were　nearly　blinding　to　me　with　this　blood　drinker's　vision。　I　heard　your　words　effortlessly　from　a　great　distance；　but　would　not　move　until　you　were　safely　away　from　him。
　〃I　wanted　to　kill　him　then；　but　the　wiser　course　seemed　to　stay　right　with　you；　to　enter　the　Temple　and　stay　by　your　side。　I　was　not　certain　of　my　right　to　kill　your　brother　for　you；　that　it　was　what　you　wanted。　I　didn't　know　that　until　I'd　told　you　of　his　guilt。　Then　I　knew　how　much　you　wanted　it　done。
　〃Of　course　I　had　no　idea　how　clever　you　had　bee；　that　all　the　talent　for　reason　and　words　I'd　loved　in　you　when　you　were　a　girl　was　still　there。　Suddenly　you　were　in　the　Temple；　thinking　three　times　faster　than　the　other　mortals　present；　weighing　every　aspect　of　what　faced　you；　outwitting　everyone。　And　then　came　the　spectacular　confrontation　with　your　brother　in　which　you　caught　him　in　the　most　clever　net　of　truths；　and　thereby　dispatched　him；　without　ever　touching　him；　but　instead　drawing　three　military　witnesses　into　plicity　with　his　death。〃
　He　broke　off；　then　said；　〃In　Rome；　years　ago；　I　followed　you。　You　were　sixteen。　I　remember　your　first　marriage。　Your　Father　took　me　aside；　he　was　so　gentle。　'Marius；　you're　destined　to　be　a　roaming　historian；'　he　said。　I　didn't　dare　tell　him　my　true　estimation　of　your　husband。
　〃And　now　you　e　to　Antioch；　and　I　think；　in　my　self…centered　manner；　as　you　will　promptly　note　…　if　ever　a　woman　was　created　for　me；　it　is　this　woman。　And　I　know　as　soon　as　I　leave　you　in　the　morning；　that　I　must　somehow　get　the　Mother　and　Father　out　of　Antioch；　get　them　away；　but　then　this　blood　drinker　has　to　be　destroyed；　and　then　and　only　then　can　you　be　safely　left。〃
　〃Safely　abandoned；〃　I　said。
　〃Do　you　blame　me？〃　he　asked。
　The　question　caught　me　off　guard。　I　looked　at　him　for　a　seemingly　endless　moment；　allowing　his　beauty　to　fill　my　eyes；　and　sensing　with　intolerable　keenness　his　sadness　and　desperation。　Oh；　how　he　needed　me！　How　desperately　he　needed　not　just　any　mortal　soul　in　which　to　confide；　but　me。
　〃You　really　did　want　to　protect　me；　didn't　you？〃　I　asked。　〃And　your　explanation　of　all　points　is　so　pletely　rational；　it　has　the　elegance　of　mathematics。　There　is　no　need　for　reincarnation；　or　destiny；　or　any　miraculous　allowance　for　any　part　of　what's　happened。〃
　〃It's　what　I　believe；〃　he　said　sharply。　His　face　grew　blank；　then　stern。　〃I　would　never　give　you　anything　short　of　truth。　Are　you　a　woman　who　wants　to　be　humored？〃
　〃Don't　be　fanatical　in　your　dedication　to　reason；〃　I　said。
　These　words　both　shocked　and　offended　him。
　〃Don't　cling　to　reason　so　desperately　in　a　world　of　so　many　horrid　contradictions！〃
　He　was　silenced。
　〃If　you　so　cling　to　reason；〃　I　said；　〃then　in　the　passage　of　time　reason　may　fail　you；　and　when　it　does　you　may　find　yourself　taking　refuge　in　madness。〃
　〃What　on　Earth　do　you　mean？〃
　〃You've　made　of　reason　and　logic　religion。　It's　obviously　the　only　way　you　can　endure　what's　happened　to　you；　that　you're　a　blood　drinker　and　custodian；　apparently；　of　these　displaced　and　forgotten　deities。〃
　〃They　aren't　deities！〃　He　grew　angry。　〃Thousands　of　years　ago；　they　were　made；　through　some　mingling　of　spirit　and　flesh　that　rendered　them　immortal。　They　find　their　refuge　obviously　in　oblivion。　In　your　kindness　you　characterize　it　as　a　garden　from　which　the　Mother　gathered　flowers　and　leaves　to　make　a　garland　for　you；　a　trap；　as　you　said。　But　this　is　your　sweet　girlish　poetry。　We　do　not　know　that　they　string　very　many　words　together。〃
　〃I　am　no　sweet　girl；〃　I　said。　〃Poetry　belongs　to　everyone。　Speak　to　me！〃　I　said。　〃And　put　aside　these　words；　'girl'　and　'woman。'　Don't　be　so　frightened　of　me。〃
　〃I　am　not；〃　he　said　angrily。
　〃You　are！　Even　as　this　new　blood　races　through　me　still；　eats　at　me　and　transforms　me；　I　cling　to　neither　reason　nor　superstition　for　my　safety。　I　can　walk　through　a　myth　and　out　of　it！　You　fear　me；　because　you　don't　know　what　I　am。　I　look　like　a　woman；　I　sound　like　a　man；　and　your　reason　tells　you　the　sum　total　is　impossible！〃
　He　rose　from　the　table。　His　face　took　on　a　sheen　like　sweat　but　far　more　radiant。
　〃Let　me　tell　you　what　happened　to　me！〃　he　said　resolutely。
　〃Good；　do　tell　me；〃　I　said。　〃In　straightforward　manner。〃
　He　let　this　go　by。　I　spoke　against　my　heart。　I　wanted　only　to　love　him。　I　knew　his　cautions。　But　for　all　his　wisdom；　he　displayed　an　enormous　will；　a　man's　will；　and　I　had　to　know　the　source　of　it。　I　concealed　my　love。
　〃How　did　they　lure　you？〃
　〃They　didn't；〃　he　said　calmly。　〃I　was　captured　by　the　Keltoi　in　Gaul；　in　the　city　of　Massilia。　I　was　brought　North；　my　hair　allowed　to　grow　long；　then　shut　up　amid　barbarians　in　a　great　hollow　tree　in　Gaul。　A　burnt　blood　drinker　made　me　into　a　'new　god'　and　told　me　to　escape　the　local　Priests；　go　South　to　Egypt　and　find　out　why　all　the　blood　drinkers　had　been　burnt；　the　young　ones　dying；　the　old　one　suffering。　I　went　for　my　own　reasons！　I　wanted　to　know　what　I　was！〃
　〃I　can　well　understand；〃　I　said。
　〃But　not　before　I　saw　blood　worship　at　its　most　grisly　and　unspeakable　…　I　was　the　god；　mind　you；　Marius；　who　followed　you　adoringly　all　over　Rome　…　and　it　was　to　me　that　these　men　were　offered。〃
　〃I've　read　it　in　Caesar's　history。〃
　〃You've　read　it　but　you　haven't　seen　it。　How　dare　you　throw　at　me　such　a　trivial　boast！〃
　〃Forgive　me；　I　forgot　your　childish　temper。〃
　He　sighed。　〃Forgive　me；　I　forgot　your　practical　and　naturally　impatient　intellect。〃
　〃I'm　sorry。　I　regret　my　words。　I　had　to　'witness　executions　of　Rome。　It　was　my　duty。　And　that　was　in　the　name　of　law。　Who　suffers　more　or　less'？　Victims　of　sacrifice　or　the　law？〃
　'Very　well。　I　escaped　these　Keltoi　and　went　to　Egypt；　and　there　I　found　the　Elder；　who　was　the　keeper　of　the　Mother　and　the　Father；　the　Queen　and　the　King；　the　first　blood　drinkers　of　all　time；　from　which　this　enhancement　of　our　blood　flows。　This　Elder　told　me　stories　that　were　vague　but　pelling。　The　Royal　Pair　had　once　been　human；　no　more。　A　spirit　or　demon　had　possessed　one　or　both；　lodging　itself　so　firmly　that　no　exorcism　could　oust　it。　The　Royal　Pair　could　transform　others　by　giving　the　blood。　They　sought　to　make　a　religion。　It　was　overthrown。　Again　and　again　it　was　overthrown。　Anyone　who　possesses　the　blood　can　make　another！　Of　course　this　Elde