uleg.thefarthestshore-第20章

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n　and　eighty　or　a　hundred　feet　long。　All　worked　together　at　pounding　the　nilgu　into　cloth　and　braiding　the　coarse　fibers　for　ropes　and　nets；　at　fishing　and　drying　the　fish　and　shaping　whale…ivory　into　tools；　and　all　the　other　tasks　of　the　rafts。　But　there　was　always　time　for　swimming　and　for　talking；　and　never　a　time　by　which　a　task　must　be　finished。　There　were　no　hours：　only　whole　days；　whole　nights。　After　a　few　such　days　and　nights　it　seemed　to　Arren　that　he　had　lived　on　the　raft　for　time　uncountable；　and　Obehol　was　a　dream；　and　behind　that　were　fainter　dreams；　and　in　some　other　world　he　had　lived　on　land　and　been　a　prince　in　Enlad。
　　When　he　was　summoned　at　last　to　the　chief's　raft；　Sparrowhawk　looked　at　him　a　while　and　said；　〃You　look　like　that　Arren　whom　I　saw　in　the　Court　of　the　Fountain：　sleek　as　a　golden　seal。　It　suits　you　here；　lad。〃
　　〃Aye；　my　lord。〃
　　〃But　where　is　here？　We　have　left　places　behind　us。　We　have　sailed　off　the　maps。。。　Long　ago　I　heard　tell　of　the　RaftFolk；　but　thought　it　only　one　more　tale　of　the　South　Reach；　a　fancy　without　substance。　Yet　we　were　rescued　by　that　fancy；　and　our　lives　saved　by　a　myth〃
　　He　spoke　smilingly；　as　though　he　had　shared　in　that　timeless　ease　of　life　in　the　summer　light；　but　his　face　was　gaunt；　and　in　his　eyes　lay　an　unlighted　darkness。　Arren　saw　that　and　faced　it。
　　〃I　betrayed…〃　he　said；　and　stopped。　〃I　betrayed　your　trust　in　me。〃
　　〃How　so；　Arren？。
　　〃There…　at　Obehol。　When　for　once　you　needed　me。　You　were　hurt　and　needed　my　help。　I　did　nothing。　The　boat　drifted；　and　I　let　her　drift。　You　were　in　pain；　and　I　did　nothing　for　you。　I　saw　land…　I　saw　land；　and　did　not　even　try　to　turn　the　boat…〃
　　〃Be　still；　lad；〃　the　mage　said　with　such　firmness　that　Arren　obeyed。　And　presently；　〃Tell　me　what　you　thought　at　that　time。〃
　　〃Nothing；　my　lord…　nothing！　I　thought　there　was　no　use　in　doing　anything。　I　thought　your　wizardry　was　gone…　no；　that　it　had　never　been。　That　you　had　tricked　me。〃　The　sweat　broke　out　on　Arren's　face　and　he　had　to　force　his　voice；　but　he　went　on。　〃I　was　afraid　of　you。　I　was　afraid　of　death。　I　was　so　afraid　of　it　I　would　not　look　at　you；　because　you　might　be　dying。　I　could　think　of　nothing；　except　that　there　was…　there　was　a　way　of　not　dying　for　me；　if　I　could　find　it。　But　all　the　time　life　was　running　out；　as　if　there　was　a　great　wound　and　the　blood　running　from　it　…such　as　you　had。　But　this　was　in　everything。　And　I　did　nothing；　nothing；　but　try　to　hide　from　the　horror　of　dying。〃
　　He　stopped；　for　saying　the　truth　aloud　was　unendurable。　It　was　not　shame　that　stopped　him；　but　fear；　the　same　fear。　He　knew　now　why　this　tranquil　life　in　sea　and　sunlight　on　the　rafts　seemed　to　him　like　an　after…life　or　a　dream；　unreal。　It　was　because　he　knew　in　his　heart　that　reality　was　empty：　without　life　or　warmth　or　color　or　sound：　without　meaning。　There　were　no　heights　or　depths。　All　this　lovely　play　of　form　and　light　and　color　on　the　sea　and　in　the　eyes　of　men；　was　no　more　than　that：　a　playing　of　illusions　on　the　shallow　void。
　　They　passed；　and　there　remained　the　shapelessness　and　the　cold。　Nothing　else。
　　Sparrowhawk　was　looking　at　him；　and　he　had　looked　down　to　avoid　that　gaze。　But　there　spoke　in　Arren　unexpectedly　a　little　voice　of　courage　or　of　mockery：　it　was　arrogant　and　pitiless；　and　it　said；　〃Coward！　Coward！　Will　you　throw　even　this　away？〃
　　So　he　looked　up；　with　a　great　effort　of　his　will；　and　met　his　panion's　eyes。
　　Sparrowhawk　reached　out　and　took　his　hand　in　a　hard　grasp；　so　that　both　by　eye　and　by　flesh　they　touched。　He　said　Arren's　true　name；　which　he　had　never　spoken：　〃Lebannen。〃　Again　he　said　it：　〃Lebannen；　this　is。　And　thou　art。　There　is　no　safety；　and　there　is　no　end。　The　word　must　be　heard　in　silence；　there　must　be　darkness　to　see　the　stars。　The　dance　is　always　danced　above　the　hollow　place；　above　the　terrible　abyss。〃
　　Arren　clenched　his　hands　and　bent　his　forehead　down　till　it　pressed　against　Sparrowhawk's　hand。　〃I　failed　you；〃　he　said。　〃I　will　fail　you　again　and　fail　myself。　I　have　not　strength　enough！〃
　　〃You　have　strength　enough。〃　The　mage's　voice　was　tender；　but　beneath　tenderness　was　that　same　hardness　that　had　risen　in　the　depths　of　Arren's　own　shame；　and　mocked　him。　〃What　you　love；　you　will　love。　What　you　undertake；　you　will　plete。　You　are　a　fulfiller　of　hope；　you　are　to　be　relied　on。　But　seventeen　years　give　little　armor　against　despair。。。　Consider；　Arren。　To　refuse　death　is　to　refuse　life。〃
　　〃But　I　sought　death…　yours　and　mine！〃　Arren　lifted　his　head　and　stared　at　Sparrowhawk。　〃Like　Sopli　who　drowned　himself…〃
　　〃Sopli　was　not　seeking　death。　He　sought　to　escape　from　it　and　from　life。　He　sought　safety：　an　end　to　fear…　to　the　fear　of　death。〃
　　〃But　there　is…　there　is　a　way。　There　is　a　way　beyond　death。　Back　to　life。　To　life　beyond　death；　life　without　death。　That　is　what　they　seek。　Hare　and　Sopli；　the　ones　who　were　wizards。　That　is　what　we　seek。　You　…you　above　all　must　know…　must　know　of　that　way…〃
　　The　mage's　strong　hand　was　still　on　his。　〃I　do　not；〃　Sparrowhawk　said。　〃Aye；　I　know　what　they　think　they　seek。　But　I　know　it　to　be　a　lie。　Listen　to　me；　Arren。　You　will　die。　You　will　not　live　forever。　Nor　will　any　man　nor　any　thing。　Nothing　is　immortal。　But　only　to　us　is　it　given　to　know　that　we　must　die。　And　that　is　a　great　gift：　the　gift　of　selfhood。　For　we　have　only　what　we　know　we　must　lose；　what　we　are　willing　to　lose。。。　That　selfhood　which　is　our　torment；　and　our　treasure；　and　our　humanity；　does　not　endure。　It　changes；　it　is　gone；　a　wave　on　the　sea。　Would　you　have　the　sea　grow　still　and　the　tides　cease；　to　save　one　wave；　to　save　yourself？　Would　you　give　up　the　craft　of　your　hands；　and　the　passion　of　your　heart；　and　the　light　of　sunrise　and　sunset；　to　buy　safety　for　yourself　…　safety　forever？　That　is　what　they　seek　to　do　on　Wathort　and　Lorbanery　and　elsewhere。　That　is　the　message　that　those　who　know　how　to　hear　have　heard：　By　denying　life　you　may　deny　death　and　live　forever！　…And　this　message　I　do　not　hear；　Arren；　for　I　will　not　hear　it。　I　will　not　take　the　counsel　of　despair。　I　am　deaf；　I　am　blind。　You　are　my　guide。　You　in　your　innocence　and　your　courage；　in　your　unwisdom　and　your　loyalty；　you　are　my　guide…　the　child　I　send　before　me　into　the　dark。　It　is　your　fear；　your　pain；　I　follow。　You　have　thought　me　harsh　to　you；　Arren；　you　never　knew　how　harsh。　I　use　your　love　as　a　man　burns　a　candle；　burns　it　away；　to　light　his　steps。　And　we　must　go　on。　We　must　go　on。　We　must　go　all　the　way。　We　must　e　to　the　place　where　the　sea　runs　dry　and　joy　runs　out；　the　place　to　which　your　mortal　terror　draws　you。〃
　　〃Where　is　it；　my　lord？〃
　　〃I　do　not　know。〃
　　〃I　cannot　lead　you　there。　But　I　will　e　with　you。〃
　　The　mage's　gaze　on　him　was　somber；　unfathomable。
　　〃But　if　I　should　fail　again　and　betray　you…〃
　　〃I　will　trust　you；　son　of　Morred。〃
　　Then　both　were　silent。
　　Above　them　the　tall；　carven　idols　rocked　very　slightly　against　the　blue　southern　sky：　dolphin　bodies；　gulls'　wings　folded；　human　faces　with　staring　eyes　of　shell。
　　Sparrowhawk　got　up　stiffly；　for　he　was　still　far　from　being　fully　healed　of　his　wound。　〃I　am　tired　of　sitting　about；〃　he　said。　〃I　shall　grow　fat　in　idleness。〃　He　began　to　pace　the　length　of　the　raft；　and　Arren　joined　him。　They　talked　a　little　as　they　walked；　Arren　told　Sparrowhawk　how　he　spent　his　days；　who　his　friends　among　the　raft…folk　were。　Sparrowhawk's　restlessness　was　greater　than　his　strength；　which　soon　gave　out。　He　stopped　by　a　girl　who　was　weaving　nilgu　on　her　loom　behind　the　House　of　the　Great　Ones；　asking　her　to　seek　out　the　chief　for　him；　and　then　returned　to　his　shelter。　There　the　chief　of　the　raft…folk　came；　greeting　him　with　courtesy；　which　the　mage　returned；　and　all　three　of　them　sat　down　together　on　the　spotted　sealskin　rugs　of　the　shelter。
　　〃I　have　thought；〃　the　chief　began；　slowly　and　with　a　civil　solemnity；　〃of　the　things　you　have　told　me。　Of　how　men　think　to　e　back　from　death　into　their　own　bodies；　and　seeking　to　do　this　forget　the　worship　of　the　gods　and　neglect　their　bodies　and　go　mad。　This　is　an　evil　matter　and　a　great　folly。　Also　I　have　thought；　What　has　it　to　do　with　us？　We　have　nothing　to　do　with　other　men；　their　islands　and　their　ways；　their　makings　and　unmakings。　We　live　on　the　sea　and　our　lives　are　the　sea's。　We　do　not　hope　to　save　them；　we　do　not　seek　to　lose　them。　Madness　does　not　e　here。　We　do　not　e　to　land；　nor　do　the　land…folk　e　to　us。　When　I　was　young；　we　spoke　sometimes　with　men　who　came　on　boats　to　the　Long　Dune；　when　we　were　there　to　cut　the　raft…logs　and　build　the　winter　shelters。　Often　we　saw　sails　from　Ohol　and　Welwai　（so　he　called　Obehol　and　Wellogy）　following　the　grey　whales　in　the　autumn。　Often　they　followed　our　rafts　from　afar；　for　we　know　the　roads　and　meeting　places　of　the　Great　Ones　in　the　sea。　But　that　is　all　I　ever　saw　of　the　land…folk；　and　now　they　e　no　longer。　Maybe　they　have　all　gone　mad　and　fought　with　one　another。　Two　years　ago　on　the　Long　Dune　looking　north　to　Welwai　we　saw　for　three　days　the　smoke　of　a　great　burning：　And　if　that　were　so；　what　is　it　to　us？　We　are　the　Children　of　the　Open　Sea。　We　go　the　sea's　way。〃
　　〃Yet　seeing　a　landsman's　boat　adrift　you　came　to　it；〃　said　the　mage。
　　〃Some　among　us　said　it　was　not　wise　to　do　so；　and　would　have　let　the　boat　drift　on　to　sea's　end；〃　the　chief　answered　in　his　high；　impassive　voice。
　　〃You　were　not　one　of　them。〃
　　〃No。　I　said；　though　they　be　land…folk；　yet　we　will　help　them；　and　so　it　was　done。　But　with　your　undertakings　we　have　nothing　to　do。　If　there　is　a　madness　among　the　land…folk；　the　land…folk　must　deal　with　it。　We　follow　the　road　of　the　Great　Ones。　We　cannot　help　you　in　your　search。　So　long　as　you　wish　to　stay　with　us；　you　are　wele。　It　is　not　many　days　till　the　Long　Dance；　after　it　we　return　northward；　following　the　eastern　current　that　by　summer's　end　will　bring　us　round　again　to　the　seas　by　the　Long　Dune。　If　you　will　stay　with　us　and　be　healed　of　your　hurt；　this　will　be　well。　Or　if　you　will　take　your　boat　and　go　your　way；　this　too　will　be　well。〃
　　The　mage　thanked　him；　and　the　chief　got　up；　slight　and　stiff　as　a　heron；　and　left　them　alone　together。
　　〃In　innocence　there　is　no　strength　against　evil；〃　said　Sparrowhawk；　a　little　wryly。　〃But　there　is　strength　in　it　for　good。。。　We　shall　stay　with　them　a　while；　I　think；　till　I　am　cured　of　this　weakness。〃
　　〃That　is　wise；〃　said　Arren。　Sparrowhawk's　physical　frailty　had　shocked　and　moved　him；　he　had　determined　to　protect　the　man　from　his　own　energy　and　urgency；　to　insist　that　they　wait　at　least　until　he　was　free　of　pain　before　they　went　on。
　　The　mage　looked　at　him；　somewhat　startled　by　the　pliment。
　　〃They　are　kind　here；〃　Arren　pursued；　not　noticing。　〃They　seem　to　be　free　of　that　sickness　of　soul　they　had　in　Hort　Town　and　the　other　islands。　Maybe　there　is　no　island　where　we　would　have　been　helped　and　weled；　as　these　lost　people　have　done。〃
　　〃You　may　well　be　right。〃
　　〃And　they　lead　a　pleasant　life　in　summer。。。〃
　　〃They　do。　Though　to　eat　cold　fish　one's　whole　life　long；　and　never　to　see　a　pear…tree　in　blossom　or　taste　of　a　running　spring；　would　be　wearisome　at　last！〃
　　So　Arren　returned　to　Star's　raft；　worked　and　swam　and　basked　with　the　other　young　people；　talked　with　Sparrowhawk　in　the　cool　of　the　evening；　and　slept　un