hh.thessrat.sings.the.blues-第5章

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　〃Keep　your　secrets…I　couldn't　care　less。〃　Which　was　of　course　an　outright　lie。　〃Give　them　code　names　as　well　as　numbers；　conceal　their　identities。　All　I　want　to　know　is　their　musical　abilities；　and　will　they　be　any　good　in　the　field　when　the　going　gets　rough。〃
　This　took　a　bit　of　time。　I　went　for　a　long　jog　to　loosen　the　muscles。　Then；　while　my　clothes　were　being　zapped　clean　in　the　vacuum　washer；　I　took　a　hot　shower　followed　by　a　cold　one。　I　made　a　mental　note　to　get　some　more　clothes　soon…but　not　until　this　operation　was　up　and　running。　There　was　no　escaping　that　deadly　clock　that　was　ticking　off　the　seconds　to　doomsday。
　〃Here　is　the　list；〃　the　Admiral　said　when　I　entered　the　office。　〃No　names；　just　numbers。　Male　agents　are　identified　by　the　letter　A　and　。　。　。〃
　〃Let　me　guess…the　females　are　B？〃
　A　growl　was　his　only　response；　he　pletely　lacked　any　sense　of　humor。　I　flipped　through　the　list。　Slim　pickings　among　the　ladies　who　ran　the　gamut　from　B1　to　B4。　Pipe…organ　player；　not　very　likely；　harmonica；　tuba…and　a　singer。
　〃I'll　need　a　photograph　of　B3。　And　what　do　these　other　entries　after　B1　mean？　19T；　908L；　and　such。〃
　〃Code；〃　he　said；　grabbing　the　sheet　away　from　me。　〃It　translates　as　skilled　in　hand…to…hand　bat；　qualified　marksman　on　hand　weapons；　six　years　in　the　field。　And　the　rest　is　none　of　your　business。〃
　〃Thanks；　wonderful；　you're　a　big　help。　I　sure　could　use　her　but　not　if　she　has　to　carry　the　pipe　organ　on　her　back。　Now　let　us　make　some　selections　from　the　male　list　and　get　the　photos　ing。　Except　for　this　one；　A19。　No　photograph…I　just　want　him　here　soonest；　in　the　flesh。〃。
　〃Why？〃
　〃Because　he　is　a　percussionist　and　plays　a　molecular　synthezier。　Since　I　know　next　to　nothing　about　music　he　is　going　to　teach　me　my　job　in　this　pickup　band。　A19。　will　show　me　the　ropes；　then　record　the　numbers　and　set　up　the　machines　to　play　the　different　hunks　of　music。　I'll　just　smile　and　press　buttons。　Speaking　of　machines…does　your　highly　secret　service　have　electronic　repair　facilities　on　this　planet？〃
　〃That　is　classified　information。〃
　〃Everything　about　this　operation　is　classified。　But　I'll　still　need　to　do　some　electronic　work。　Here　or　someplace　else。　All　right？〃
　〃Facilities　will　be　made　available。〃
　〃Good。　And　tell　me…what　is　a　gastrophone；　or　a　bagpipe？〃
　〃I　haven't　the　slightest　idea。　Why？〃
　〃Because　they　are　listed　here　as　musical　skills　or　instruments　or　something。　I'll　need　to　know。〃
　Lubricated　by　all　the　credits　from　the　university；　manned　by　the　Admiral's　minions；　the　machinery　of　my　plan　began　to　churn　into　high　gear。　The　League　did　have　an　outpost　on　this　planet　…　disguised　as　an　interstellar　shipping　firm…which　contained　a　fully　equipped　machine　shop　and　electronic　facilities。
　The　fact　that　they　gave　me　full　use　of　everything　meant　that　it　would　undoubtedly　vanish　as　soon　as　this　operation　was　over。　While　the　auditions　were　being　arranged；　agent　A19　was　sent　for　by　the　fastest　…　transportation　available。　He　appeared；　slightly　glassy…eyed；　later　that　same　afternoon。
　〃You　are　known　to　me　only　by　the　code　reference　A19。　Could　you　give　me　a　slightly　better　name　to　call　you　by？　And　it　doesn't　have　to　be　your　own。〃
　He　was　a　big　man　with　a　big　jaw；　which　he　rubbed　as　he　kicked　his　brain　into　action。　that's　my　cousin's　name。　Call　me　Zach。〃
　〃Right　on；　Zach。　You　have　quite　a　musical　record。〃
　〃You　betcha。　I　worked　my　way　through　college　playing　in　the　band。　Still　do　a　gig　or　two　from　time　to　time。〃
　〃Then　you　have　the　job。　You　must　now　sally　forth　with　an　open　checkbook　and　buy　the　best；　most　expensive　and　plex　hunks　of　electronic　music　making　that　you　can　find。　And　they　have　to　be　the　most　pact　and　microminiaturized　ones　going。　Bring　them　back　and　I'll　make　it　all　smaller　since　everything　we　bring　with　us　has　to　be　carried　on　our　backs。　If　you。　can't　find　it　on　this　planet　use　galactic　mail　order。　Spend！　The　more　you　spend　the　better。〃
　His　eyes　glowed　with　musical　fervor。　〃Do　you　mean　that？〃
　〃Absolutely。　Check　with　Admiral　Benbow　who　will　authorize　all　expenses。　Go！〃
　He　went；　and　the　auditions　began。　I　draw　a　veil　over　the　more　repulsive　details　of　the　next　two　days。　Apparently　musical　ability　and　military　service　were　mutually　inpatible　for　the　most　part。　I　whittled　away　and　the　list　grew　smaller　with　great　rapidity。　I　had　hoped　for　a　large　band…now　it　appeared　that　I　had　a　tiny　bo。
　〃This　is　it；　Admiral；〃　I　said；　passing　over　the　abbreviated　list。　〃We　will　have　to　make　up　in　quality　what　we　lack　in　quantity。　It　is　going　to　be　me　and　these　three　others。〃
　He　frowned。　〃Will　it　be　enough？〃
　〃Going　to　have　to　be。　The　discards　may　be　great　operators　but　I　will　dream　about　their　sounds　for　years。　In　my　nightmares。　So　take　the　survivors　aside；　tell　them　about　me　and　the　assignment。　I'll　meet　them　after　lunch　in　the　audition　room。〃
　I　was　setting　glasses　and　bottles　of　refreshment　on　the　table　when　the　four　of　them　trooped　in。　In　step！
　〃First　lesson！〃　I　shouted。　〃Think　civilian。　Anything　that　even　resembles　the　military　will　get　us　all　quickly　dead。　Now　have　you　all　talked　to　the　Admiral？　Everyone　is　nodding；　good；　good。　Nod　again　if　you　agree　to　take　orders　from　me　and　no　one　else。　Even　better。　Now　I　will　introduce　you　to　each　other。　I　have　been　forbidden　knowledge　of　your　real　names　and　positions　so　I　have　invented　some。　Let　us　now　begin　the　world　anew。　The　gentleman　on　your　left；　code　name　Zach；　is　a　professional　musician　and　is　tutoring　me　in　my　new　skills。　He　will　be　of　utmost　help　in　getting　this　project　off　the　ground。　I　am　Jim　and　I　will　soon　be　able　to　play　the　electronic　gadgetry　and　lead　this　group。　The　young　lady　in　your　presence；　now　named　Madonette；　is　a　contralto　of　great　talent　and　our　lead　singer。　Let's　give　her　a　big　hand。〃
　Slowly　at　first；　then　louder　and　jollier；　they　clapped　until　I　lifted　a　hand　to　stop　them。　They　were　an　uptight　lot　and　I　had　to　get　them　a　lot　looser。　Madonette　was　fair　of　skin　and　dark　of　hair；　a　tall　and　solid　girl　and　quite　attractive；　she　smiled　and　waved　in　return。
　〃Good　beginning　gang。　Now　you　last　two　guys；　you're　the　rest　of　this　group；　Floyd　and　Steengo。　Floyd　is　the　tall　and　skinny　guy　with　the　artificial　beard…he　is　growing　a　real　replacement　for　it；　but　we　needed　one　now　for　the　publicity　pix。　The　miracle　workers　of　hirsutical　science　have　developed　an　antidipilatorisational　agent　that　stimulates　hair　growth。　So　he　will　grow　a　fine　beard　in　three　days。　In　addition　to　growing　hair　he　plays　a　number　of　wind　instruments　which　are；　if　you　don't　know；　a　historic　family　of　musical　instruments　into　which　one　blows　strongly　to　emit　sounds。　He　es　from　a　distant　planet　named　Och'aye；　which　is　perhaps　galaxy…famous　for　its　other　native　son　Angus　McSwiney；　founder　of　the　McSwiney　chain　of　automated　eateries。　Floyd　plays　an　instrument　whose　antecedents　are　lost　in　the　mists　of　time　and　at　times　I　wish　they　had　stayed　there。　Floyd；　a　quick　tune　on　the　bagpipe　if　you　please。〃
　I　had　heard　it　before　so　was　slightly　more　prepared　as　he　opened　the　case　and　removed　an　apparatus　that　looked　like　a　large　and　bulging　spider　with　many　black　legs。　He　slung　it　about　him；　puffed　strongly　and　pumped　furiously　on　the　spider's　abdomen　with　his　arm。　I　looked　at　the　others　and　admired　their　horrified　expressions　as　the　screams　of　mortally　wounded　animals　filled　the　room。
　〃Enough！〃　I　shouted　and　the　last　slaughtered　pig　moaned　away　into　deathly　silence。　〃I　don't　know　if　this　instrument　will　be　featured　in　our　recitals…but　you　must　admit　that　it　does　draw　attention。　Last；　and　certainly　not　least；　is　Steengo。　Who　after　he　left　the　service　became　quite　adept　on　the　fiddelino。　Steengo；　a　demonstration　if　you　please。〃
　Steengo　smiled　paternally　at　us　and　waved。　He　had　gray　hair　and　an　impressive　paunch。　I　was　concerned　about　his　age　and　general　fitness　but　the　Admiral；　after　secretly　scanning　the　records；　reassured　me　that　Steengo's　health　was　A…OK；　that　he　worked　out　regularly　and；　other　than　a　tendency　towards　slight　overweight；　he　was　fit　for　field　conditions。　I　shrugged…since　there　was　little　else　I　could　do。　The　records　revealed　that　he　had　taken　up　the　instrument　after　retirement　from　active　duty；　with　talent　in　such　short　supply　I　had　had　the　veterans'　records　searched　as　well。　When　approached　he　was　more　than　happy　to　get　back　into　harness。　The　fiddelino　had　two　necks　and　twenty　strings　and　sounded　rather　jolly　in　a　plucking　scratching　way　that　everyone　seemed　to　enjoy。　Steengo　bowed　graciously　to　acknowledge　the　applause。
　〃That's　it　then。　You　have　just　met　The　Stainless　Steel　Rats。　Any　questions？〃
　〃Yes；〃　Madonette　said；　and　all　eyes　turned　her　way。　〃What　is　the　music　that　we　will　be　playing？〃
　〃Good　question…and　I　think　I　have　a　good　answer。　Research　into　contemporary　music　reveals　a　great　variety　of　rhythms　and　themes。　Some　of　them　pretty　bad；　like　country…and…steel…mill　music。　Some　with　a　certain　charm　like　the　Chipperinos　and　their　flock　of　singing　birds。　But　we　need　something　new　and　different。
　Or　old　and　different　as　long　as　no　one　has　heard　the　music　in　a　few　thousand　years。　For　our　inspiration　I　have　had　the　music　department　at　Galaksia　Universitato　research　their　most　ancient　data　bases。　Millennia　have　passed　since　this　music　was　last　heard。　Usually　with　good　reason。
　I　held　up　a　handful　of　recordings。　〃These　are　the　survivors　of　a　grueling　test　I　put　them　through。　If　I　could　listen　for　more　than　fifteen　seconds　I　made　a　copy。　We　will　now　refine　the　process　even　more。　Anything　we　can　bear　for　thirty　seconds　goes　into　the　second　round。〃
　I　popped　one　of　the　tiny　black　chips　into　the　player　and　sat　back。　Atonal　musical　thunder　rumbled　over　us　and　a　soprano　with　a　voice　like　a　pregnant　porcuswine　assailed　our　ears。　I　popped　the　recording　out；　ground　it　under　my　heel；　then　went　on　to　the　next　one。
　By　late　afternoon　our　eyes　were　red…rimmed　with　tears；　our　ears　throbbing；　our　brains　numbed　and　throbbing　as　well。
　〃Is　that　enough　for　the　moment？〃　I　asked　sweetly　and　my　answer　was　a　chorus　of　groans。　〃Right。　On　the　way　in　here　I　noticed　that　right　next　door　is　a　drinking　parlor　by　the　name　of　Dust　on　Your　Tonsils。　I　can　only　assume　that　is　a　little　joke　and　they　intend　to　wash　the　dust　from　their　clients'　tonsils。　Shall　we　see　if　that　is　true？〃
　〃Let's　go！〃　Floyd　said　and　led　the　exodus。
　〃A　toast；〃　I　said　when　the　drinks　had　arrived。　We　lifted　our　glasses。　〃To　The　Stainless　Steel　Rats…long　may　they　play！〃
　They　cheered　and　drank；　then　laughed　and　called　for　another　round。　It　was　all　going　to　work　out　hunky…dory　I　thought。
　Then　why　was　I　so　depressed？
　
　CHAPTER　5
　I　was　depressed　because　it　was　really　a　pretty　madcap　plan。　The　idea　had　been　to　allow　a　week　for　our　publicity　to　peak；　for　some　musical　awards　to　be　made…then　the　crime　had　to　occur。　In　that　brief　period　we　were　not　only　going　to　have　to　find　some　music；　but　we　would　have　to　rehearse　the　stuff　and　hopefully　gain　at　least　a　moderate　level　of　ability。　Some　chance。　We　were　cutting　it　too　fine。　We　needed　some　more　help。
　〃Madonette；　a　question。〃　I　sipped　some　more　beer　first。　〃I　must　admit　to　an　abysmal　ignorance　of　the　mechanics　of　making　music。　Is　there　someone　who　sort　of　makes　up　the　tunes；　then　writes　down　the　stuff　that　everyone　is　going　t