cw.imarriedadeadman-第14章

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　thud。　It　stayed　down　for　some　time；　too；　was　in　no　hurry　to　go　back　on　again。
　〃。　。　。　drawn　up　at　the　side　of　the　road。〃　（Aunt　Josie'll　have　a　fit　She　always　scolds　him。　She　never　scolds　me；　for　doing　the　very　same　thing。　I　guess　she　used　to　when　he　was　a　boy；　and　can't　get　over　the　habit）　〃The　pseudo　Madame　Korff　and　her　party　entered　the　carriage。　。　。〃
　The　lid　went　back　on　again　at　long　last。　The　footsteps　started　forward　again；　emerged　into　the　back　of　the　hall。　They　stopped　short；　backed　up　a　step；　the　floor　creaked　slightly　with　doubled　weight　in　one　place。
　〃。　。　。〃　（He　dropped　a　chunk　on　the　floor；　stopped　to　pick　it　up。　Doesn't　want　her　to　see　it　lying　there　in　the　morning；　and　know　what　he's　been　up　to。　I　bet　he's　still　afraid　of　Aunt　Josie　in　his　heart；　in　a　little…boy　way。）　〃　。　。　。〃
　But　her　thoughts　were　not　consciously　of　him　or　on　him。　They　were　on　her　book。　It　was　the　perimeter　of　her　mind；　the　unused　residue；　that　kept　up　a　running　mentary　to　itself；　and　which　the　center　of　her　attention　paid　no　heed　to。
　He　subsided　for　awhile；　was　lost　to　awareness。　Must　have　been　slumped　somewhere；　finishing　his　cookies。　Probably　with　a　leg　thrown　over　a　chair…arm；　if　he　was　in　a　chair　at　all。
　He　had　known　they　were　going　over　to　the　Michaelsons；　and　must　have　thought　she　had　gone　with　them；　that　he　was　alone　in　the　house。　The　library　was　to　the　right　of　the　stairs；　and　he　had　taken　the　left　channel；　to　the　pantry　and　return；　hadn't　e　near　here　as　yet；　so　he　couldn't　have　known　that　she　was　in　here。　The　shaded　lamp　she　was　beside　had　a　limited　radius　of　reflection　that　did　not　reach　past　the　room…doorway。
　Suddenly　his　lithe　footfalls　were　underway　again；　had　remenced；　the　nibbling　interlude　at　an　end。　They　struck　out　into　the　hail　again；　clarifying　as　they　emerged　from　wherever　it　was　he　had　been；　rounded　the　bottom　of　the　stairs；　and　turned　in　on　this　side。　They　were　ing　straight　toward　here；　toward　this　room　she　was　unsuspectedly　in。
　She　went　ahead　steadily　reading；　trapped　by　the　mounting　interest　of　the　passage　she　had　just　entered　upon；　held　fast。　Didn't　even　raise　her　eyes。
　His　tread　reached　the　threshold。　Then　it　stopped　short　there；　almost　with　a　recoil。
　For　perhaps　a　moment　he　stood　stock…still；　looking　at　her。
　Then；　abruptly；　he　took　an　awkward　step　in　retreat；　a　full　step　to　the　rear；　turned；　went　away　again。
　It　was　almost　subconsciously　that　she　knew　all　this；　not　in　full　consciousness；　at　least　not　as　yet。　It　was　there；　clinging　to　her　awareness；　but　it　hadn't　penetrated　it　as　yet。
　〃。　。　。〃　（Why　did　he　turn　and　go　away　like　that；　when　he　saw　me　in　here　alone？）　〃。　。　。　and　disposed　themselves　upon　the　fortable　cushions。　。　。　。〃　（He　intended　ing　in　here。　He　did　e　as　far　as　the　door。　Then　when　he　saw　that　I　was　in　here；　and　didn't　seem　to　have　seen　him　yet；　he　backed　away。　Why？　Why　was　that？）　〃Axel　Fersen　took　the　reins。。。。〃
　Slowly　the　spell　of　the　book　unravelled；　disintegrated。　Her　eyes　left　its　pages　for　the　first　time。　She　raised　her　head　questioningly；　still　holding　the　book　open　before　her。
　Why？　Why　did　he　do　that？
　It　isn't　that　he　was　afraid　of　disturbing　me。　We're　all　one　family；　we　don't　stand　on　ceremony　like　that　with　one　another。　We　all　go　from　room　to　room　as　we　like　without　a　by…your…leave；　except　in　the　upstairs…rooms；　and　this　isn't　upstairs；　this　is　down　here。　He　didn't　even　say　hello。　When　he　saw　that　I　didn't　see　him；　he　wanted　it　left　that　way；　did　his　best　to　keep　it　that　way；　tried　not　to　attract　my　attention。　Withdrew　backward　the　first　step；　and　only　then　turned　around。
　The　front　door　had　reopened；　but　without　closing　behind　him。　He'd　gone　out　front　for　a　moment；　to　put　the　car　away。　She　heard　the　thump　of　its　door　as　he　shut　it　on　himself；　heard　its　gears　mesh　into　motion。
　Doesn't　he　like　me？　Is　that　why　he　doesn't　want　to　find　himself　alone　in　a　room　with　me；　when　no　one　else　is　here？　Is　he　holding　something　against　me？　I　thought…it　seemed…as　if　his　full　confidence　had　been　given　to　me　long　ago；　but…To　balk　like　that；　curb　himself；　almost　swerve　away；　at　the　very　threshold。
　And　then　suddenly；　quite　simply；　almost　matter…of…factly；　she　knew。　It　came　to　her。　Some　indefinable　something　had　told　her。　Something　that　no　word　could　explain。　Something　too　tenuous　to　bear　the　weight　of　any　words。
　No；　it's　not　because　he　doesn't　like　me。　It's　because　he　does　like　me；　does　like　me；　that　he　backed　away　like　that；　doesn't　want　to　be　in　the　room　alone　with　me　if　he　can　avoid　it。　Likes　me　too　well。　Is　already　beginning　to　fall　in　love　with　me。　And…and　thinks　he　shouldn't。　Is　fighting　it。　That　hopeless；　last…ditch　fight　that's　never　won。
　Determinedly；　but　quite　unhurriedly；　she　closed　her　book；　carried　it　over　to　the　gap　from　which　she'd　extracted　it；　pushed　it　in。　She　left　the　lamp　on　for　him　（since　he　had　seemed　to　want　to　e　in　here）；　but　quitted　the　room　herself；　left　it　to　him；　went　out　into　the　hall；　went　up　the　stairs　and　into　her　own　room；　closed　the　door　of　that　for　the　night。
　She　undid　her　hair；　brushed　it　for　retiring。
　She　heard　the　rumble　of　the　garage…doors；　heard　the　padlock　strike　against　them　as　he　let　it　fall　back　to　rest；　heard　him　e　into　the　house　again。　He　went　straight　back　toward　the　library；　and　went　in；　this　time　unhesitatingly　（to　accost　her　now；　to　face　it；　to　bring　it　out；　his　decision　taken　during　those　few　minutes'　breathing　spell？）…to　find　it　empty。　The　lamp　on；　the　reader　gone。
　Seconds　later　she　remembered　that　she'd　left　her　cigarette　burning　there；　on　the　table；　under　the　lamp；　beside　where　she'd　been　sitting。　Had　forgotten　to　pick　it　up　when　she　came　out。　It　must　be　burning　still；　she'd　only　just　lit　it　before　she'd　first　heard　the　car　drive　up　outside。
　It　wasn't　that　she　was　alarmed　about　possible　damage。　He'd　see　it　at　a　glance；　and　put　it　out　for　her。
　But　it　would　tell　him。　For；　just　as　he　had　intended　ing　in　when　he　hadn't；　it　would　reveal　to　him　that　she　hadn't　intended　getting　up　and　leaving　when　she　had。
　She　not　only　knew；　now；　that　he　was　beginning　to　love　her；　but；　by　token　of　that　telltale　cigarette；　he　knew　that　she　knew。
　
　
　24
　
　In　the　light　of　the　full…bodied　moon　the　flower…garden　at　the　back　of　the　house　was　as　bright　as　noon　when　she　stepped　out　into　it。　The　sanded　paths　that　ran　around　it　foursquare；　and　through　it　like　an　X；　gleamed　like　snow；　and　her　shadow　glided　along　them　azure　against　their　whiteness。　The　little　rock…pool　in　the　center　was　polkadotted　with　silver　disks；　and　the　wafers　coalesced　and　separated　again　as　if　in　motion；　though　they　weren't；　as　her　point　of　perspective　continually　shifted　with　her　rotary　stroll。
　The　perfume　of　the　rose…bushes　was　heavy　on　the　June　night；　and　sleepy　little　insects　made　a　somnolent　humming　noise；　as　though　they　were　talking　in　their　sleep。
　She　hadn't　wanted　to　sleep　yet；　and　she　hadn't　wanted　to　read；　it　was　too　close　in　the　library　with　the　lamp　on。　She　hadn't　wanted　to　sit　alone　on　the　front　porch　any　longer；　once　Mother　and　Father　Hazzard　had　left　her　and　gone　up　to　their　room。　She'd　gone　up　a　moment　and　looked　in　at　Hughie；　to　see　if　he　was　all　right；　and　then　she'd　e　out　here。　To　the　flower…garden　in　the　back；　safely　secluded　behind　its　tall　surrounding　hedge。
　Eleven　struck　melodiously　from　the　little　Reformed　church　over　on　Beechwood　Drive；　and　the　echoes　lingered　in　the　still　air；　filling　her　with　a　sense　of　peace　and　well…being。
　A　quiet　voice；　seeming　to　e　from　just　over　her　shoulder；　said：　〃Hello；　I　thought　that　was　you　down　there；　Patrice。〃
　She　turned；　startled；　and　couldn't　locate　him　for　a　minute。　He　was　above　her；　perched　edgewise　on　the　sill　of　his　open　window。
　〃Mind　if　I　e　down　and　join　you　for　a　cigarette？〃
　〃I'm　going　in　now；〃　she　said　hastily；　but　he'd　already　disappeared。
　He　stepped　down　from　the　back　porch　and　the　moonlight　sifted　over　his　head　and　shoulders　like　talcum　as　he　came　toward　her。　She　turned　in　pany　with　him；　and　they　walked　slowly　on　together　side　by　side。　Once　all　around　the　outside　path；　and　then　once　through　a　bisecting　middle　one。
　She　reached　out　and　touched　a　flower　once　in　passing；　bent　it　a　little　toward　her；　then　let　it　sway　back　again　undamaged。　A　fullblown　white　rose；　the　perfume　was　almost　like　a　bombshell　in　their　faces　for　a　moment。
　He　didn't　even　do　that　much；　didn't　do　anything。　Didn't　say　anything。　Just　walked　beside　her。　One　hand　slung　in　his　pocket。　Looking　steadily　down；　as　though　the　sight　of　the　path　fascinated　him。
　〃I　hate　to　tear　myself　away；　it's　so　lovely　down　here；〃　she　said　at　last。
　〃I　don't　give　a　hang　about　gardens；〃　he　answered　almost　gruffly。　〃Nor　walking　in　them。　Nor　the　flowers　in　them。　You　know　why　I　came　down　here。　Do　I　have　to　tell　you？〃
　He　flung　his　cigarette　down　violently；　backhand；　with　the　same　gesture　as　if　something　had　angered　him。
　Suddenly　she　was　acutely　frightened。　She'd　stopped　short。
　〃No；　wait；　Bill。　Bill；　wait…　Don't…〃
　〃Don't　what？　I　haven't　said　anything　yet　But　you　know　already；　don't　you？　I'm　sorry；　Patrice；　I've　got　to　tell　you。　You've　got　to　listen。　It's　got　to　e　out。〃
　She　was　holding　out　her　hand　protestingly　toward　him；　as　if　trying　to　ward　off　something。　She　took　a　backward　step　away；　broke　their　proximity。
　〃I　don't　like　it；〃　he　said　rebelliously。　〃It　does　things　to　me　that　are　new。　I　was　never　bothered　before。　I　never　even　had　the　sweetheart…crushes　that　they　all　do。　I　guess　that　was　my　way　to　be。　But　this　is　it；　Patrice。　This　is　it　now；　all　right。〃
　〃No；　wait…　Not　now。　Not　yet。　This　isn't　the　time…〃
　〃This　is　the　time；　and　this　is　the　night；　and　this　is　the　place。　There'll　never　be　another　night　like　this；　not　if　we　both　live　to　be　a　hundred。　Patrice；　I　love　you；　and　I　want　you　to　ma…〃
　〃Bill！〃　she　pleaded；　terrified。
　〃Now　you've　heard　it；　and　now　you're　running　away。　Patrice；〃　he　asked　forlornly；　〃what's　so　terrible　about　it？〃
　She'd　gained　the　lower…porch　step；　was　poised　on　it　for　a　moment　in　arrested　ifight　He　came　after　her　slowly；　in　a　sort　of　acquiescent　frustration；　rather　than　in　importunate　haste。
　〃I'm　no　lover；〃　he　said。　〃I　can't　say　it　right…〃
　〃Bill；〃　she　said　again；　almost　grief…strickenly。
　〃Patrice；　I　see　you　every　day　and…〃　He　flung　his　arms　apart　helplessly；　〃What　am　I　to　do？　I　didn't　ask　for　it　I　think　it's　something　good。　I　think　it's　something　that　should　be。〃
　She　leaned　her　head　for　a　moment　against　the　porchpost；　as　if　in　distress。　〃Why　did　you　have　to　say　it　yet？　Why　couldn't　you　have…　Give　me　more　time。　Please；　give　me　more　time。　Just　a　few　months…〃
　〃Do　you　want　me　to　take　it　back；　Patrice？〃　he　asked　ruefully。　〃How　can　I　now？　How　could　I；　even　if　I　hadn't　spoken？　Patrice；　it's　so　long　since；　now。　Is　it　Hugh；　is　it　still　Hugh？〃
　〃I've　never　been　in　love　bef…〃　she　started　to　say；　penitently。　She　stopped　suddenly。
　He　looked　at　her　strangely。
　I've　said　too　much；　flashed　through　her　mind。　Too　much；　or　not　enough。　And　then　in　sorrowful　confirmation：　Not　enough　by　far。
　〃I'm　going　in　now。〃　The　shadow　of　the　porch　dropped　between　them　like　an　indigo　curtain。
　He　didn't　try　to　follow。　He　stood　there　where　she'd　left　him。
　〃You're　afraid　I'll　kiss　you。〃
　〃No；　that　isn't　what　I'm　afraid　of；〃　she　murmured　almost　inaudibly。　〃I'm　afraid　I'll　want　you