cw.imarriedadeadman-第24章

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　You　could　hardly　tell　anything　was　the　matter。　There　was　only　a　little　dark　streak　by　the　outside　corner　of　one　eye；　like　a　patch　of　patent　leather　used　instead　of　court　plaster；　as　though　he'd　hurt　himself　there　and　then　covered　it　over。　And　where　that　side　of　his　head　had　e　to　rest　against　the　lateral　thickness　of　the　bedding；　there　was　a　peculiar　sworled　stain；　its　outer　layers　of　a　lighter　discoloration　than　its　core。
　Somebody　screamed　in　the　confined　little　room。　Not　shrilly；　but　with　a　guttural　wrench；　almost　like　the　bark　of　a　terrified　dog。　It　must　have　been　she；　for　there　was　no　one　in　there　to　scream　but　her。　Her　vocal　chords　hurt；　as　though　they　had　been　strained　asunder。
　〃Oh；　God！〃　she　sobbed　in　an　undertone。　〃I　didn't　need　to　e…〃
　She　cowered　away　from　him；　step　by　faltering　step。　It　wasn't　that　little　glistening　streak；　that　daub　of　tar；　nor　yet　the　way　he　lay　there；　relaxed　and　languid；　as　if　they　had　had　such　fun　he　was　exhausted；　and　it　was　too　much　trouble　to　get　up　off　his　back　and　see　her　out。　It　was　his　eyes　that　knifed　her　with　fear；　over　and　over；　until　panic　had　welled　up　in　her；　as　though　gushing　through　a　sieve。　The　way　they　seemed　fixed　on　her；　the　way　they　seemed　to　follow　her　backward；　step　by　step。　She　went　over　a　little　to　one　side；　and　that　didn't　get　her　away　from　them。　She　went　over　a　little　to　the　other；　and　that　didn't　get　her　away　from　them　either。　Contemptuous；　patronizing；　mocking；　to　the　end；　with　no　real　tenderness　in　them　for　her；　ever。　He　looked　on　her　in　death　as　he'd　looked　on　her　in　life。
　She　could　almost　hear　the　drawled　words　that　went　with　that　look。　〃Where　d'you　think　you're　going　now？　What's　your　hurry？　e　back　here；　you！〃
　Her　mind　screamed　back：　〃Away　from　here…！　Out　of　here…！　Before　somebody　es…！　Before　anybody　sees　me！〃
　She　turned　and　fled　through　the　opening；　and　beat　her　way　through　the　outside　room；　flailing　with　her　arms；　as　though　it　were　an　endless　treadmill　going　the　other　way；　trying　to　carry　her　back　in　to　him；　instead　of　a　space　of　a　brief　few　yards。
　She　got　to　the　door　and　collided　against　it。　But　then；　after　the　first　impact；　after　her　body　was　stopped　against　it；　instead　of　stilling；　it　kept　on　thumping；　and　kept　on　thumping；　as　though　there　were　dozens　of　her　hurling　themselves　against　it　in　an　endless　succession。
　Wood　shouldn't　knock　so；　wood　shouldn't　bang　so…　Her　hands　flew　up　to　her　ears　arid　clutched　them。　She　was　going　mad。
　The　blows　didn't　space　themselves　and　wait　between。　They　were　aggressive；　demanding；　continuous。　They　were　already　angered；　and　they　were　feeding　on　their　own　anger　with　every　second's　added　delay。　They　drowned　out；　in　her　own　ears；　her　second；　smothered　scream　of　anguish。　A　scream　that　held　more　real　fear　in　it　than　even　the　first　one　had；　in　the　other　room　just　now。　Fear；　not　of　the　supernatural　now；　but　of　the　personal；　a　fear　more　immediate；　a　fear　more　strong。　Agonizing　fear；　trapped　fear　such　as　she'd　never　known　existed　before。　The　fear　of　losing　the　thing　you　love。　The　greatest　fear　there　is。
　For　the　voice　that　riddled　the　door；　that　welled　through；　bated　but　flinty　with　stern　impatience；　was　Bill's。
　Her　heart　knew　it　before　the　sound　came；　and　then　her　ears　knew　it　right　as　it　came；　and　then　its　words　told　her　after　they　had　e。
　〃Patrice！　Open。　Open　this　door。　Patrice！　Do　you　hear　me？　I　knew　I'd　find　you　here。　Open　this　door　and　let　me　in；　or　I'll　break　it　down！〃
　A　moment　too　late　she　thought　of　the　lock；　and　just　a　moment　in　time　he　thought　of　it　too。　That　it　had　been　unlocked　the　whole　while；　just　as　she　had　found　it　to　be　earlier。　She　crushed　herself　flat　against　it；　with　a　whimper　of　despair；　just　too　late；　just　as　the　knob　gave　its　turn　and　the　door…seam　started　to　widen。
　〃No！〃　she　ordered　breathlessly。　〃No！〃　She　tried　to　hold　it　closed　with　the　full　weight　of　her　whole　palpitating　body。
　She　could　almost　feel　the　currents　of　his　straining　breath　beating　into　her　face。　〃Patrice；　you've…got…to…let…me…in…there！〃
　And　between　each　word　she　lost　ground；　her　heels　scraped　futilely　backward　over　the　surface　of　the　floor。
　He　could　see　her　now；　and　she　could　see　him；　through　the　fluctuating　gap　their　opposing　pressures　made；　widening　a　little；　then　narrowing　again；　then　widening　more　than　ever。　His　eyes；　so　close　to　her　own；　were　a　terrible　accusation；　far　worse　than　that　dead　man's　had　been　inside。　Don't　look　at　me；　don't　look　at　me！　she　implored　them　despairingly　in　her　mind。　Oh；　turn　away　from　me；　for　I　can't　bear　you！
　Back　she　went；　steadily　and　irresistibly；　and　still　she　tried　to　bar　him；　to　the　last；　after　his　arm　was　in　and　his　shoulder；　straining　her　whole　body　insensately　against　him；　flattening　her　hands　till　they　showed　bloodless　against　the　door。
　Then　he　gave　one　final　heave　to　end　the　unequal　contest；　and　she　was　swept　back　along　the　whole　curved　arc　of　the　door's　path；　like　a　leaf　or　a　piece　of　limp　rag　that　got　caught　in　the　way。　And　he　was　in；　and　he　was　standing　there　next　to　her；　his　chest　rising　and　falling　a　little　with　quickened　breath。
　〃No；　Bill；　no！〃　she　kept　pleading　mechanically；　even　after　the　cause　of　her　plea　was　lost　〃Don't　e　in。　Not　if　you　love　me。　Stay　out。〃
　〃What're　you　doing　here？〃　he　said　tersely。　〃What　brought　you？〃
　〃I　want　you　to　love　me；〃　was　all　she　could　whimper；　like　a　distracted　child。　〃Don't　e　in。　I　want　you　to　love　me。〃
　He　took　her　suddenly；　and　shook　her　fiercely　by　the　shoulder　for　a　moment　〃I　saw　you。　What　did　you　e　here　to　do？　What　did　you　e　here　for；　at　this　hour？〃　He　released　her　again。　〃What's　this？〃　He　picked　up　the　gun；　which　she　had　pletely　lost　track　of　until　now　in　her　turmoil。　It　must　have　fallen；　or　she　must　have　flung　it　to　the　floor；　in　her　ifight　from　the　inner　room。
　〃Did　you　bring　it　with　you？〃　He　came　back　toward　her　again。　〃Patrice；　answer　me！〃　he　said　with　a　flinty　ferocity　she　hadn't　known　he　possessed。　〃What　did　you　e　here　for？〃
　Her　voice　kept　backing　and　filling　in　her　throat；　as　if　unable　to　rise　to　the　top。　At　last　it　overflowed。　〃To…to…to　kill　him。〃　She　toppled　soddenly　against　him；　and　his　arm　had　to　go　around　her；　tight　and　firm；　to　keep　her　up。
　Her　hands　tried　to　crawl　up　his　lapels；　up　his　shirt…front；　toward　his　face；　like　wriggling　white　beggars　pleading　for　alms。
　A　swipe　of　his　hand　and　they　were　down　again。
　〃And　did　you？〃
　〃Somebody…did。　Somebody…has　already。　In　there。　He's　dead。〃　She　shuddered　and　hid　her　face　against　him。　There　is　a　point　beyond　which　you　can't　be　alone　any　more。　You　have　to　have　someone　to　cling　to。　You　have　to　have　someone　to　hold　you；　even　if　he　is　to　reject　you　again　in　a　moment　of　two　and　you　know　it。
　Suddenly　his　arm　dropped　and　he'd　left　her。　It　was　terrible　to　be　alone；　even　just　for　that　minute。　She　wondered　how　she'd　stood　it　all　these　months；　all　these　years。
　Life　was　such　a　crazy　thing；　life　was　such　a　freak。　A　man　was　dead。　A　love　was　blasted　into　nothingness。　But　a　cigarette　still　sent　up　smoke　in　a　dish。　And　an　ice　cube　still　hovered　unmelted　in　a　highball　glass。　The　things　you　wanted　to　last；　they　didn't；　the　things　it　didn't　matter　about；　they　hung　on　forever。
　Then　he　reappeared　from　the　other　room；　stood　in　the　opening　looking　at　her　again。　Looking　at　her　in　such　a　funny　way。　A　little　too　long；　a　little　too　silent…she　couldn't　quite　make　out　what　it　was　she　didn't　like　about　it；　but　she　didn't　like　him　to　look　at　her　that　way。　Others；　it　didn't　matter。　But　not　him。
　Then　he　raised　the　gun；　which　he　was　still　holding；　and　put　it　near　his　nose。
　She　saw　his　head　give　a　grim　nod。
　〃No。　No。　I　didn't。　Oh；　please　believe　me…〃
　〃It's　just　been　fired；〃　he　said　quietly。
　There　was　something　rueful　about　the　expression　of　his　eyes　now；　as　if　they　were　trying　to　say　to　her：　Why　don't　you　want　to　tell　me？　Why　don't　you　get　it　out　of　the　way　by　telling　me；　and　then　I'll　understand。　He　didn't　say　that；　but　his　eyes　seemed　to。
　〃No；　I　didn't。　I　fired　it　at　him；　but　I　didn't　hit　him。〃
　〃All　right；〃　he　said　quietly；　with　just　that　trace　of　weariness　you　show　when　you　don't　believe　a　thing；　but　try　to　gloss　it　over　to　spare　someone。
　Suddenly　he'd　thrust　it　into　the　side…pocket　of　his　coat；　as　though　it　were　no　longer　important；　as　though　it　were　a　past　detail；　as　though　there　were　things　of　far　greater　moment　to　be　attended　to　now。　He　buttoned　his　coat　determinedly；　strode　back　to　her；　his　movements　had　a　sort　of　lithe　intensity　to　them　now　that　they'd　lacked　before。
　An　impetus；　a　drive。
　He　swept　a　sheltering　arm　around　her　again。　（That　sanctuary　that　she'd　been　trying　to　find　all　her　life　long。　And　only　had　now；　too　late。）　But　this　time　in　hurried　propulsion　toward　the　door；　and　not　just　in　support　〃Get　out　of　here；　quick；〃　he　ordered　grimly。　〃Get　down　to　the　street　again　fast　as　you　can。〃
　He　was　pulling　her　along；　hurrying　her　with　him；　within　the　curve　of　his　protective　arm。　〃e　on。　You　can't　be　found　here。　You　must　have　been　out　of　your　mind　to　e　here　like　this！〃
　〃I　was；〃　she　sobbed。　〃I　am。〃
　She　was　struggling　against　him　a　little　now；　trying　to　keep　herself　from　the　door。　She　pried　herself　away　from　him　suddenly；　and　stood　back；　facing　him。　Her　hands　kept　rebuffing　his　arms　each　time　they　tried　to　reclaim　her。
　〃No；　wait　There's　something　you've　got　to　hear　first　Something　you've　got　to　know。　I　tried　to　keep　you　out；　but　now　you're　in　here　with　me。　I've　e　this　far；　I　won't　go　any　further。〃　And　then　she　added；　〃The　way　I　was。〃
　He　reached　out　and　shook　her　violently；　in　his　exasperation。　As　if　to　get　some　sense　into　her。　〃Not　now！　Can't　you　understand？　There's　a　man　dead　in　the　next　room。　Don't　you　know　what　it　means　if　you're　found　here？　Any　minute　somebody's　apt　to　stick　his　head　into　this　place…〃
　〃Oh；　you　fool；〃　she　cried　out　to　him　piteously。　〃You're　the　one　who　doesn't　understand。　The　damage　has　been　done　already。　Can't　you　see　that？　I　have　been　found　here！〃　And　she　murmured　halfaudibly；　〃By　the　only　one　who　matters　to　me。　What's　there　to　run　away　and　hide　from　now？〃　She　brushed　the　back　of　her　hand　wearily　across　her　eyes。　〃Let　them　e。　Bring　them　on　now。〃
　〃If　you　won't　think　of　yourself；〃　he　urged　her　savagely；　〃think　of　Mother。　I　thought　you　loved　her；　I　thought　she　meant　something　to　you。　Don't　you　know　what　a　thing　like　this　will　do　to　her？　What　are　you　trying　to　do；　kill　her？〃
　〃Somebody　used　that　argument　before；〃　she　told　him　vaguely。　〃I　can't　remember　who　it　was；　or　where　it　was。〃
　He'd　opened　the　door　cautiously　and　looked　out。　Narrowed　it　again；　came　back　to　her。　〃No　sign　of　anyone。　I　can't　understand　how　that　shot　wasn't　heard。　I　don't　think　these　adjoining　rooms　are　occupied。〃
　She　wouldn't　budge。　〃No；　this　is　the　time；　and　this　is　the　place。　I've　waited　too　long　to　tell　you。　I　won't　go　a　step　further；　I　won't　cross　that　door…sill…〃
　He　clenched　his　jaw。　〃I'll　pick　you　up　and　carry　you　out　of　here　bodily；　if　I　have　to！　Are　you　going　to　listen　to　me？　Are　you　going　to　e　to　your　senses？〃
　〃Bill；　I'm　not　entitled　to　your　protection。　I'm　not…〃
　His　hand　suddenly　clamped　itself　to　her　mouth；　sealing　it　He　heaved　her　clear　of　the　floor；　held　her　cradled　in　his　arms。　Her　eyes　strained　upward　at　him　in　muted　helplessness；　above　his　restraining　hand。
　Then　they　dropped　closed。　She　didn't　struggle