lh.narcissusinchains-第38章

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ilted；　as　if　I　were　waiting　for　a　kiss；　and　there　was　one　of　those　moments　when　you　bee　aware　of　each　other　　painfully　and　suddenly　aware　of　the　possibilities　of　the　next　few　seconds。　He　picked　me　up　in　his　arms；　carrying　me　easily；　smoothly　forward。　I'd　have　told　him　to　put　me　down；　but　my　heart　had　filled　my　throat；　and　I　couldn't　speak　around　it。
　
　17
　
　ASHER　STRODE　TO　the　bed　and　laid　me　on　it；　leaning　over　Nathaniel's　nude　body　to　do　so。　I　lay　on　my　back　and　felt　movement　from　every　direction。　Jean…Claude　crawled　up　beside　me；　and　Jason　moved　down　beside　him　from　the　head　of　the　bed。　Nathaniel　rolled　over　until　we　were　lying　beside　each　other　with　him　on　his　side。　His　eyes　told　me　nothing；　except　he　would　not　say　no；　but　I　asked　anyway。
　〃Do　you　want　Asher　to　feed　from　you？〃
　〃Oh；　yes；〃　Nathaniel　said；　and　there　was　something　in　his　voice　that　I　rarely　heard　　surety。　In　this　moment　he　knew　what　he　wanted。　There　was　no　doubt　in　him；　and　the　strength　of　his　desire　made　him　。。。　stronger。
　Asher　slid　in　against　Nathaniel's　back；　so　that　their　bodies　spooned　together。　I　turned　in　time　to　see　Jean…Claude　mirror　the　movement　with　Jason。　Jason　reached　out；　touched　my　arm；　and　it　was　like　a　door　had　been　burst　open。　I　thought　I'd　felt　desire　before　this；　but　it　had　been　a　dim　echo。　It　roared　over　me　like　something　huge　and　burning；　except　this　fire　did　not　burn；　it　fed　me　energy；　as　if　I　were　not　the　wood　on　which　it　fed；　but　I　was　the　flame。　I　was　the　thing　that　fed　and　grew　and　consumed。
　I　found　Jason's　mouth　and　kissed　him；　kissed　him　with　lips　and　tongue　and　teeth；　biting　at　his　lips；　pulling　him　into　my　mouth。　And　his　body　was　suddenly　pressed　against　mine；　his　arms　pinning　me　to　him；　and　Nathaniel　slid　in　behind　my　back。　I　was　pinned　between　them；　and　I　didn't　care。
　My　leg　slid　over　Jason's　hip；　my　leg　touching　Jean…Claude　on　the　other　side　of　him。　Jason　was　suddenly　pressed　between　my　legs；　with　only　the　silk　of　his　shorts　between　us。　It　should　have　been　enough　to　stop　me；　but　it　wasn't。　I　needed　him。　Nathaniel　raised　my　hair；　bit　gently　at　the　back　of　my　neck；　and　a　sound　drew　from　my　throat。　The　two　of　them　fell　on　me；　hands；　mouths；　bodies；　like　they　were　fire　to　my　wood；　but　this　wood　drew　them　in；　drank　them；　almost。　Jason　pushed　against　me；　and　the　shorts　were　baggy　enough；　the　silk　thin　enough　that　he　entered　me。　The　barest　of　touches；　but　it　was　enough　to　bring　me　up　for　air；　to　make　me　draw　back　from　him。
　He　drew　back　enough　to　whisper；　〃Sorry。〃
　My　voice　sounded　as　breathless　as　his　when　I　said；　〃I'm　not　on　birth　control。〃
　Everyone　froze。　Jean…Claude　peered　over　Jason's　shoulder。　〃What　did　you　say；　ma　petite？〃
　〃I　stopped　taking　the　pill　six　months　ago。　I've　only　been　on　it　for　two　weeks。　No　guarantee　for　another　two　to　four　weeks。〃
　〃You　made　love　to　the　Nimir…Raj。〃
　〃He's　been　fixed。〃
　Asher　said；　〃She　did　what？〃
　Jean…Claude　looked　across　the　bed　at　him。　〃Her　hunger　woke　for　the　first　time　with　the　new　Nimir…Raj。　You　have　not　met　him。〃
　〃You　have；〃　Asher　said。
　〃Oui。〃
　Jason　was　looking　at　me；　and　I　had　to　put　a　hand　over　his　eyes；　close　them。　And　the　embarrassment　helped；　but　the　ardeur　only　withdrew　momentarily；　like　a　wave　pulling　back　from　the　shore；　I　could　feel　it　rushing　towards　us　again。　Jean…Claude　was　right；　every　time　I　said　no；　the　next　time　was　harder　to　deny。
　Jean…Claude　rolled　off　the　bed；　and　I　heard　a　drawer　open。　He　came　back　into　sight　with　foil…wrapped　packages　and　wordlessly　handed　them　to　Jason　and　Nathaniel。
　That　did　it。　I　crawled　out　from　between　them　to　huddle　against　the　headboard。　〃No；　no；　no；　you　said　no　intercourse。〃
　〃I　said；　that　you　do　not　need　intercourse　to　feed。〃
　〃No；　oh；　so　no。〃　I　tucked　the　robe　around　my　legs　and　covered　everything　I　could；　which　was　pretty　much　all　of　me。
　〃We　are　not　planning　on　them　having　intercourse　with　you；　ma　petite。　But　I　have　both　fed　on　desire　and　been　fed　off　of　by　Belle　Morte。　There　es　a　time　in　the　feeding　where　you　lose　yourself　and　cannot　always　think　clearly。　I　do　not　want　regrets　if　we　get　carried　away。〃
　〃I　am　not　going　to　have　sex　with　Nathaniel；　or　Jason。　Keep　this　up；　and　you　won't　even　be　on　the　list。〃
　〃I　would　rather　have　you　angry　with　me　and　not　in　my　bed　than　accidentally　pregnant　by　one　of　them。〃
　〃I　think　I　can　keep　from　fucking　them。〃　I　sounded　angry；　but　it　wasn't　anger　that　I　felt；　it　was　a　seed　of　doubt。　That　hesitation　made　the　anger　worse。　I　always　hid　behind　anger　when　I　could。
　〃And　before　this　morning；　you　would　have　sworn　even　more　strongly　that　you　would　not　fuck　a　strange　man　you　had　just　met。〃
　The　blush　was　so　hot；　it　almost　hurt。　〃I　didn't　mean　to。〃　That　sounded　weak　even　to　me。　〃I　couldn't　。。。　〃
　〃You　could　not　control　yourself；　ma　petite；　I　know。　But　if　you　lose　control　again；　would　you　not　rather　be　safe？〃
　I　shook　my　head。　〃If　I　can't　control　myself　better　than　this；　we're　not　going　to　do　this。〃
　〃And　if　you　do　not　feed　from　the　lust　in　this　room；　how　will　you　go　into　the　lupanar　tonight？　How　will　you　see　your　wereleopard　lover　tonight　when　he　acpanies　you　to　the　lupanar　without　losing　your　precious　control？　How　will　you　stand　this　close　to　our　Richard　and　not　offer　yourself　to　him？　Ma　petite；　you　have　had　sex　with　a　stranger。〃
　〃He　is　her　Nimir…Raj；〃　Nathaniel　said。　〃They　are　meant　to　be　a　mated　pair。〃
　〃Pretty　to　think　so；〃　Jean…Claude　said；　〃but　I　have　been　where　ma　petite　is　right　now。　I　have　felt　the　hunger　for　centuries；　and　I　tell　you　that　you　will　not　be　able　to　go　among　the　shapeshifters　tonight　unless　you　are　sated。　I　ask　again；　can　you　delay　this　meeting　for　a　few　nights？〃
　〃I　might　be　able　to　delay　it　for　a　night；〃　I　said。
　He　shook　his　head。　〃No；　ma　petite；　one　night　will　not　suffice。　You　are　drawn　to　Richard　and　now　to　the　Nimir…Raj。　I　think　you　will　be　unable　to　think　around　them　unless　you　have　fed。　Your　wereleopard's　life　is　at　stake。　Can　you　afford　to　be　that　distracted？　Can　you　bear　the　thought　of　being　that　out　of　control　in　a　public　setting；　among　potential　enemies？〃
　〃Damn　you；〃　I　said。
　He　nodded。　〃Yes；　perhaps；　but　is　anything　I　have　said　untrue？〃
　〃No。〃　I　shook　my　head。　〃I　hate　it；　but　no。〃
　〃Then　let　us　at　least　take　precautions；　ma　petite。　It　is　luck　alone　that　had　the　Nimir…Raj　made　safe。　Our　lives　are　plicated　enough　without　that。〃
　I　knew　what　〃that〃　meant。　An　accidental　pregnancy。　The　thought　of　it　made　my　blood　run　colder　than　anything　else　had。　I　hid　my　face　in　my　hands。　〃I　can't　do　this。〃
　〃Then　you　must　call　Richard　and　tell　him　you　cannot　e　tonight。　You　cannot　go　as　you　are；　ma　petite。　The　need　will　only　worsen　the　longer　you　deny　it。〃
　I　raised　my　face　and　stared　at　him。　〃How　much　worse？〃
　He　lowered　his　gaze。　〃Bad　enough。〃
　I　crawled　across　the　bed　to　him；　made　him　look　at　me。　〃How　bad？〃
　He　tried　not　to　meet　my　gaze。　His　shields　were　back　in　place；　and　I　couldn't　tell　what　he　was　feeling。　〃You　would　be　attracted　to　all　the　men。　You　would　。。。　I　cannot　guarantee　what　you　would　do；　ma　petite；　or　who　you　would　do　it　with。〃
　I　just　stared　at　him。　〃No。　No；　I　would　never　。。。　〃
　He　touched　my　mouth　with　his　fingertip。　〃Ma　petite；　if　you　have　not　found　my　memories　of　my　first　days　with　this　inside　my　body；　then　it　is　a　blessing。　I　was　a　wanton　thing　before　I　became　a　vampire。　But　what　I　did　when　the　desire　first　fell　upon　me　。。。　The　desire　did　not　hit　me　at　once；　because　I　craved　blood　first；　then　when　that　quieted；　the　desire　rose　inside　me。〃　He　took　my　hands　in　his；　pressed　them　against　the　cool　flesh　of　his　chest。　〃I　did　things；　ma　petite；　things　that　even　to　a　hardened　libertine　were　humiliating。　A　look；　a　glance；　and　it　was　enough　to　bring　me　to　them。〃
　〃Didn't　Belle　Morte　try　to　protect　you？〃
　〃I　did　not　meet　Belle　until　I　had　been　dead　nearly　five　years。〃
　I　stared　at　him。　〃I　thought　Belle　was　your；　whatever；　that　she　made　you　into　a　vamp。〃
　〃Lissette　was　my　creator。　She　was　of　Belle's　line；　but　not　a　master　vampire；　not　by　any　stretch　of　the　definition。　In　France　it　is　customary　that　every　kiss　of　vampires　has　at　least　one　vampire　belonging　to　each　of　the　council　bloodlines。　Lissette　was　the　only　one　of　her　kind　in　a　nest　descended　mostly　of　far　less　pleasant　vampires。　Julian　was　her　Master　of　the　City；　and　he　was　my　first　true　master。　He　brought　in　people　for　me；　but　not　people　I　would　have　chosen。　He　brought　in　。。。　〃　Jean…Claude　shook　his　head。　〃He　amused　himself　at　my　expense；　because　he　knew　I　would　take　whatever　he　offered；　because　I　would　have　no　choice。　I　thought　I　had　no　room　for　embarrassment；　but　he　taught　me　that　there　were　things　I　did　not　want　to　do；　and　I　did　them　anyway。〃
　I　think　if　he　hadn't　been　shielding　so　strongly　that　I　would　have　seen　what　he　was　remembering；　but　he　didn't　want　me　to　see。
　〃Let　me　spare　you　such　degradation；　ma　petite。　You　are　not　as　I　was。　You　have　never　given　yourself　freely。　I　fear　what　you　would　do；　or　think　of　yourself；　if　you　did　these　things。　I　do　not　think　your　sense　of　yourself　would　survive　intact。〃
　〃You're　scaring　me；〃　I　said。
　〃Good；　you　should　be　frightened。　Asher　met　me　before　I　had　mastered　the　ardeur。　He　can　tell　you　what　I　was　like　then。〃
　I　just　looked　at　Asher。
　〃I　had　seen　the　ardeur　rise　in　others　before　Jean…Claude；　and　I　have　watched　it　since；　but　I　have　never　seen　anyone　so　crazed　by　it；〃　said　Asher。
　〃So　you　helped　him　learn　how　to　control　the　ardeur。〃
　〃Non。　Lissette　sent　to　Belle；　telling　her　of　Jean…Claude's　beauty。　I　was　sent　to；　how　would　you　say；　look　him　over　for　Belle。　I　advised　Belle　not　to　bring　Jean…Claude　and　his　master　to　court。〃
　〃Why？〃　I　asked。
　〃I　was　jealous　of　his　beauty　and　his　prowess。　After　ten　years　she　was　bored　with　me；　or　so　I　feared。　And　I　did　not　wish　the　petition。〃
　〃I　learned　to　control　the　ardeur　without　the　aid　of　another　who　had　experienced　it。　For　five　years　I　fed　on　flesh　as　I　fed　on　blood。　Only　then　did　I　master　the　ability　to　feed　from　a　distance。〃
　〃Five　years！〃　I　said。
　〃Belle　taught　me　true　control　of　the　ardeur；　and　I　was　not　hers　until　I　had　been　dead　five　years。　But　I　will　be　there　for　you　from　the　beginning。　It　will　not　be　as　it　was　for　me。〃　Jean…Claude　hugged　me　against　him；　and　that　scared　me　more。　〃I　would　never　have　married　the　marks　with　you　if　I　had　thought　you　could　inherit　my　incubus。　I　would　not　knowingly　have　done　this　to　you。〃
　I　pushed　away　from　him　and　found　him　crying；　and　the　fear　sat　like　stale　metal　on　my　tongue。　I　was　so　scared　my　body　went　quiet；　not　racing；　but　almost　as　if　every　beat　of　my　body；　every　breath；　had　simply　stopped；　and　all　there　was　to　fill　me　was　fear。
　〃What　have　you　done　to　me？〃
　〃I　thought　at　first　that　you　were　not　vampire；　and　it　would　not　be　a　true　hunger。　But　watching　you　today；　I　know　that　it　is　as　it　was　for　me。　You　must　feed。　You　must　not　deny　yourself。　To　do　so　is　to　court　madness；　or　worse。〃
　〃No；〃　I　said。
　〃If　you　had　withstood　the　Nimir…Raj's　advances；　then　I　would　say　that　your　strength　of　will　might　conquer　it。　If　you　had　withstood　the　desire　to　feed　on　Nathaniel；　I　would　say　you　would　master　it。　But　you　fed　on　him。〃
　〃I　did　not　have　sex　with　Nathaniel。〃
　〃No。　And　wasn't　what　you　did　instead　more　satisfying　to　some　part　of　you　than　mere　intercourse　would　have　been？〃
　I　started　to