lh.narcissusinchains-第45章

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level　I　thought　that　witchcraft；　raising　the　dead；　wasn't　very　Christian。　If　God　was　okay　with　me　doing　it；　then　what　was　my　problem？　I'd　prayed　about　it　often　enough　and　gotten　the　answer　more　than　once。　The　answer　was　to　do　it；　that　this　was　what　I　needed　to　be　doing。　If　God　was　for　it；　then　who　was　I　to　question　it？　Look　where　my　arrogance　had　gotten　us。　Two　dead；　one　crazy；　and　if　Richard　lost　the　pack　。。。　there'd　be　a　lot　more　dead。
　I　felt　a　quietness　inside　me　as　I　drove。　Usually　the　touch　of　God　is　golden　and　warm；　but　sometimes　when　I've　been　really　slow　and　not　picked　up　on　what　He's　wanted　for　me；　I　get　this　kind　of　quiet　sadness；　like　a　parent　watching　a　child　learn　a　necessary　hard　lesson。　I'd　never　once　prayed　to　God　about　Richard　and　Jean…Claude　　not　about　who　to　choose　anyway。　It　just　hadn't　seemed　right　to　ask　God　to　help　me　choose　a　lover；　especially　when　I　thought　I　knew　who　He'd　pick。　I　mean　vampires　are　evil；　right？
　But　driving　through　the　falling　darkness；　feeling　His　soft　presence　fill　the　car；　I　realized　that　I　hadn't　asked　because　I'd　been　afraid　of　the　answer。　I　drove　and　I　prayed；　and　I　didn't　get　an　answer；　but　I　knew　He　heard　me。
　
　20
　
　IT　WAS　FULL　dark　when　we　pulled　up　in　front　of　my　house。　Almost　every　light　in　the　house　was　on；　like　I　was　giving　a　party　and　no　one　had　bothered　to　tell　me。　The　driveway　was　full　and　overflowing　onto　the　road。　One　of　the　reasons　I'd　rented　the　house　was　because　I　had　no　near　neighbors　to　get　caught　up　in　whatever　crisis　I　was　having。　My　crises　usually　involved　gunfire；　so　no　neighbors　to　get　hurt　had　been　my　primary　requisite　in　a　house。　There　was　no　one　around　to　peek　out　a　window　and　wonder　what　the　hell　was　going　on　next　door。　Just　trees　and　the　lonely　road；　neither　of　which　cared　what　I　did。　Or　at　least　I　didn't　think　the　trees　cared；　though　Marianne　might　tell　me　I'm　wrong　on　that　one。　You　never　know。
　I　ended　up　parking　quite　a　ways　down　from　the　house；　with　nothing　but　trees　on　either　side　of　the　road。　I　turned　off　the　engine；　and　Nathaniel　and　I　sat　in　the　dark；　listening　to　the　engine　tick。　He　hadn't　said　much　since　I　came　back　out　of　the　bathroom　at　Jean…Claude's　　nothing　at　all　on　the　forty…minute　drive　here。　But　then；　neither　had　I。
　I'd　left　Jean…Claude　in　a　huff　with　a　firm　date　to　e　back　tomorrow　night　and　get　Damian　out　of　hock。　It　wasn't　just　Damian　locked　away　all　these　months　that　made　me　not　want　to　be　with　Jean…Claude；　it　was　that　he　had　finally　changed　me　into　one　of　the　monsters。　I　already　knew　that　sex　with　him　bound　the　marks　closer；　but　now　that　the　marks　were　married　。。。　what　would　sex　do　to　us　now？　How　much　closer　could　the　marks　bind　us　all？　Was　it　just　changes　with　Jean…Claude；　or　did　I　have　mystical　surprises　ing　up　tonight　with　Richard；　too？　Chances　were　likely；　and　Jean…Claude　really　had　no　clue　what　the　surprises　might　be。　He　didn't　know　what　he　was　doing。　He　really　didn't。　Since　I　didn't　know　what　the　hell　I　was　doing　either；　and　Richard　had　no　clue。　That　left　us　in　a　bad　place。　I'd　call　Marianne　tomorrow　on　the　theory　that　one　magic　is　much　like　another；　but　until　then　I　was　on　my　own。　Big　surprise。
　Of　course；　I　wasn't　exactly　alone。　I　looked　across　the　front　seat　at　Nathaniel。　He　looked　back　at　me；　face　peaceful；　hands　in　his　lap；　seat　belt　still　in　place。　He'd　pulled　his　hair　back　into　a　thick　braid；　leaving　his　face　very　plain　and　unadorned。　In　the　moonlight　his　eyes　looked　pale　gray；　instead　of　their　usual　vibrant　violet。　Without　the　hair　or　the　eyes　showing；　he　looked　closer　to　normal　than　I'd　ever　seen　him。　He　was　suddenly　a　person　sitting　across　from　me；　and　I　realized　with　a　shock　that　I　didn't　really　think　of　Nathaniel　as　a　person。　Not　as　a　grown…up　separate　human　being　kind　of　person　anyway。　He　was　more　a　burden　than　a　person　to　me。　Someone　to　be　rescued；　helped。　He　was　a　cause；　a　project；　but　not　a　person。
　The　heat　began　to　press　in　around　the　Jeep。　If　we　sat　here　much　longer　I'd　have　to　turn　the　air　conditioning　back　on。　If　Jean…Claude　was　right；　then　I'd　had　sex　with　Nathaniel　earlier　tonight。　I　was　hoping　Jean…Claude　wasn't　right；　because　I　still　considered　Nathaniel　a　child；　an　abused　child。　You　took　care　of　them；　you　did　not　have　sex　with　them；　not　even　if　they　wanted　you　to。
　My　breast　was　aching；　faintly；　from　his　teeth　marks。　We'd　shared　a　bed　so　often　that　it　felt　odd　when　he　wasn't　beside　me。　But　I　still　didn't　see　him　as　a　grown…up。　Sad；　but　true。
　〃Jean…Claude　is　pretty　sure　that　the　ardeur　is　well　fed　enough　that　it　won't　be　an　issue　for　the　rest　of　the　night；〃　I　said。
　Nathaniel　nodded。　〃You　won't　need　to　feed　again　until　you've　slept　for　a　few　hours。　Jean…Claude　explained　it　to　me；　a　little。〃
　That　pissed　me　off。　〃He　did；　did　he？〃
　He　shook　his　head。　〃Anita；　he's　worried　about　you。〃
　〃I'll　bet。〃
　〃You　really　aren't　going　to　sleep　at　the　Circus　tonight；　are　you？〃
　〃No；〃　I　said。　I　was　sitting　back　in　the　seat　with　my　arms　crossed　over　my　stomach。　I'm　sure　I　looked　as　stubborn　as　I　felt。
　〃And　when　you　get　up　tomorrow；　what　then？〃　His　voice　was　very　soft　in　the　hot；　dark　car。
　〃I　don't　know　what　you　mean。〃
　〃Yes；　you　do；〃　he　said。
　I　sighed。　〃I　don't　want　to　do　this；　Nathaniel。　I　don't　want　to　have　Jean…Claude's　incubus　inside　me。　I'd　rather　be　Nimir…Ra　for　real　than　have　to　feed　off　of　others。〃
　〃And　if　you're　both？〃　he　asked；　voice　even　softer。
　I　shrugged；　arms　still　crossed；　but　hugging　me　more　than　being　stubborn　now。　〃I　don't　know。〃
　〃I'll　be　there　for　you；　Anita。〃
　〃Be　where？〃　I　looked　at　him。
　〃Tomorrow；　when　you　wake。〃
　〃What　else　did　Jean…Claude　tell　you　while　I　was　running　around　trying　to　find　out　about　Damian？〃
　Nathaniel's　gaze　never　wavered；　never　changed。　He　wasn't　embarrassed　or　bothered　in　the　least　about　the　conversation。　〃That　he　wouldn't　hold　a　grudge　if　you　had　real　sex　with　me。〃
　I　studied　his　face。　〃You　don't　consider　what　we　did　today　sex？〃　I　made　it　half…question；　half…statement。
　〃No；〃　he　said。
　〃I　don't　either；　but　。。。　〃　I　was　glad　it　was　dark；　because　I　was　blushing；　but　damn　it　I　wanted　someone　else　to　answer　this　question。　〃I　know　why　I　don't　think　today　was　actual　sex；　but　why　don't　you？〃
　He　smiled　and　did　look　away。　He　answered　looking　down　at　the　floorboard。　〃What　we　did　the　first　time　with　you　marking　my　back；　that　was　closer　to　real　sex　for　me。〃
　〃So　it　was　the　dominance/submission　thing？〃
　〃No；〃　he　said；　still　looking　down。　〃If　we'd　really　needed　the　condoms；　then　it　would　have　been　sex。〃
　〃You　mean　intercourse；〃　I　said。
　He　nodded；　still　not　looking　at　me。
　〃That's　how　I　feel　too。　Jean…Claude　said　I　was　fooling　myself。〃
　Nathaniel　flashed　me　a　small　smile；　then　went　back　to　staring　at　nothing。　〃He　told　me　I　was　being　very　American；　very　male；　and　very　young。〃
　〃You　are　American；　male；　and　twenty；〃　I　said。　〃What　else　are　you　supposed　to　be？〃
　He　looked　at　me　for　a　moment；　then　looked　away　again。　He　was　definitely　unfortable　now。
　〃What　else　did　Jean…Claude　say？〃　I　asked。
　〃You'll　be　mad。〃
　〃Just　tell　me；　Nathaniel。〃
　He　shrugged；　the　thin　straps　of　the　tank　top　showing　most　of　his　shoulders　as　he　did　it。　〃He's　hoping　you'll　choose　me　as　your　pomme　de　sang。　He　said　he　mentioned　it　to　you。〃
　〃He　mentioned　it。〃
　〃Can　I　undo　the　seat　belt？〃　he　asked。
　〃Be　my　guest。〃
　He　let　the　belt　slide　to　one　side　and　turned　so　he　was　facing　me；　one　leg　drawn　up　into　the　seat；　his　braid　curled　over　one　shoulder。　〃Jean…Claude　said　that　the　more　you　fight　the　ardeur　the　stronger　it　grows；　but　if　you　feed　when　it　first　arises；　then　it's　not　such　a　big　deal。〃
　〃He　told　me；〃　I　said。
　〃He's　afraid　you'll　try　and　tough　it　out　tomorrow　without　him。　He's　afraid　you'll　fight　it　all　day；　then　only　give　in　when　you　have　to。〃
　〃Sounds　like　a　plan　to　me；〃　I　said。
　Nathaniel　shook　his　head。　〃Don't　be　tough　on　this　one；　Anita；　don't　fight。　I'm　afraid　of　what　will　happen　if　you　do。〃
　〃What；　I'm　supposed　to　roll　over　tomorrow　morning　and　fall　into　your　arms？〃　I　couldn't　keep　the　sarcasm　out　of　my　voice；　though　it　brought　a　hurt　look　to　his　face；　and　made　me　want　to　apologize。　〃It's　nothing　personal；　Nathaniel。　It's　not　you；　it's　having　to　do　it　that　I　don't　like。〃
　〃I　know　that。〃　He　lowered　his　face；　not　meeting　my　eyes　again。　〃Just　promise　me　that　when　the　hunger　rises　tomorrow　that　you'll　turn　to　me；　or　to　someone；　early　and　not　try　to　be　so　。。。　tough。〃
　〃What　were　you　really　going　to　say　on　the　end　of　that　sentence？〃
　He　smiled。　〃Stubborn。〃
　I　had　to　smile。　〃I　don't　think　I　can　just　roll　over　the　first　time　the　ardeur　hits　me。　I　just　can't　give　in　that　quickly；　Nathaniel。　Do　you　understand　that？〃
　〃You　have　to　prove　you're　tougher　than　it　is；〃　he　said。
　〃No；　I　have　to　be　who　I　am；　and　who　I　am　doesn't　just　give　in　to　anyone；　or　anything。〃
　He　grinned　at　me。　〃That's　an　understatement。〃
　〃You're　making　fun　of　me；〃　I　said。
　〃A　little；〃　he　said。
　〃You　saw　what　I　did　to　Jason's　neck；　Nathaniel。　What　if　I　hurt　you？　I　mean　really　hurt　you？〃
　〃Jason　will　heal；　Anita；　and　he　wasn't　plaining　when　Asher　took　him　away。〃　Nathaniel　grinned　and　looked　away　as　if　he　were　trying　not　to　laugh。
　〃What？〃
　He　shook　his　head。　〃You'll　get　mad；　and　he　didn't　mean　it　that　way。〃
　〃What　did　he　say；　Nathaniel？〃
　〃Ask　him　yourself。　He　always　seems　to　be　able　to　say　outrageous　things　to　you　and　you　think　it's　cute。　When　I　say　them；　you　just　get　mad。〃
　〃What　if　I　ordered　you　to　tell　me？〃
　He　seemed　to　think　about　it　for　a　second；　then　flashed　me　another　smile。　It　was　a　good　smile；　young；　relaxed；　real。　When　I'd　first　met　Nathaniel　he'd　forgotten　how　to　smile　like　that。　〃No；　no　I　wouldn't。〃
　〃Some　submissive　you　are；〃　I　said。
　The　smile　widened　to　a　grin。　〃You　didn't　like　me　submissive。　It　made　you　unfortable。〃
　〃So　you're　changing　to　please　me？〃
　The　smile　faded；　but　not　like　he　wasn't　happy；　more　like　his　expression　had　shifted　from　humor　to　thoughtful。　〃At　first；　but　lately　some　of　it's　to　please　me；　too。〃
　That　made　me　smile。　〃That's　the　best　news　I've　had　all　night。〃
　〃I'm　glad；〃　he　said。
　I　undid　my　own　seat　belt。　〃Let's　get　out　of　this　car　before　we　melt。〃　I　opened　the　door　and　knew　he'd　do　the　same。　We　closed　the　doors；　and　I　hit　the　button　on　my　key　chain　that　locked　the　Jeep。　It　made　the　little　beeping　sound；　and　I　walked　around　the　cars　to　the　road；　where　the　walking　was　smoother。　Nathaniel　and　I　started　walking　down　the　line　of　cars　towards　my　house。　His　braid　fell　along　his　spine　like　a　long；　thick　tail；　moving　as　he　walked。
　Cherry　and　Zane　came　out　from　between　the　cars　just　ahead　of　us。　〃We　thought　you'd　gotten　lost；〃　she　said；　smiling。
　〃You　guys　let　everyone　into　the　house？〃　I　asked。
　Her　smile　faded。　〃Yes；　I　hope　that　was　okay。〃
　I　smiled。　〃It's　okay；　Cherry；　really。　If　I'd　been　thinking；　I'd　have　arranged　for　someone　to　let　them　in。〃
　She　relaxed　visibly　and　dropped　to　her　knees　in　front　of　me。　I　offered　her　my　left　hand。　I　was　keeping　my　right　hand　free　in　case　I　had　to　draw　my　gun。　Not　likely；　but　you　never　know。　Cherry　gripped　my　hand　in　both　of　hers　and　rubbed　her　face　against　it　like　a　cat　marking　its　scent。　The　other　formal　greeting　involved　licking；　but　I'd　finally　convinced　all　of　my　cats　that　face　rubbing　was　about　all　I　was　fy　with。
　Zane　went　to　his　kn