lh.narcissusinchains-第51章

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　〃I　came　back　to　make　it　work。　To　see　if　we　could　make　some　sense　of　it　all。　But　he　has　to　give　up　that　moral　code　of　his　that　has　never　worked　for　him　or　anyone　around　him。〃
　〃To　give　up　his　moral　code　is　to　give　up　being　who　he　is。〃
　I　nodded。　〃I　know。〃　And　just　saying　that　made　me　feel　worse。　〃He　can't　change；　and　staying　who　he　is　is　going　to　get　him　killed。〃
　〃And　maybe　you　and　Jean…Claude　with　him；〃　Rafael　said。
　〃Does　everyone　know　that　part？〃
　〃It's　standard　that　if　you　kill　a　vampire's　human　servant；　the　vampire　may　not　survive　the　death。　And　if　you　kill　a　vampire；　their　human　servants　either　die　or　go　crazy。　Logic　dictates　that　killing　either　of　you　endangers　the　other。〃
　I　still　didn't　like　that　everyone　knew　that　to　kill　one　of　us　might　kill　all　of　us。　Made　it　too　damn　easy　for　assassins。　〃What　do　you　want　me　to　say；　Rafael？　That　Richard　and　I　have　a　fundamental　difference　of　philosophy　in　nearly　every　important　area？　There's　more　than　one　reason　we　didn't　get　married　and　live　happily　ever　after。　That　maybe　he's　going　to　have　to　choose　between　survival　or　his　morals？　That　I'm　afraid　he'd　almost　rather　die　than　promise　those　morals？　Yeah；　I'm　afraid。　It's　going　to　kill　a　little　piece　of　him　to　see　me　with　Micah。　I'd　spare　him　if　I　could；　but　I　didn't　choose　any　of　this。〃
　〃You　take　no　blame　in　this；〃　Rafael　said。
　I　sighed。　〃If　I　hadn't　left　for　six　months　maybe　I　could　have　talked　him　out　of　the　democracy　with　his　pack。　Maybe　if　I'd　been　here　a　lot　of　things　would　be　different；　but　I　wasn't　here；　and　I　can't　change　that。　All　I　can　do　is　try　fix　what　got　broke。〃
　〃You　think　you　can　fix　this；　all　of　it？〃　Rafael　asked。
　I　shrugged。　〃Ask　me　again　after　I've　met　Jacob　and　seen　how　Richard　deals　as　Ulfric　with　all　of　them。　I　need　a　feel　for　the　dynamics　before　I　say　if　it's　fixable。〃
　〃How　would　you　fix　it？〃　Micah　asked。
　I　glanced　back　at　him。　〃If　Jacob　and　a　few　others　are　the　problem；　then　it's　fixable。〃
　〃Killing　the　ones　who　stand　against　Richard　won't　fix　things；　Anita；〃　Rafael　said。　〃The　experiment　in　democracy　must　end。　Richard　must　begin　being　harsher　to　those　who　would　stand　against　him。　He　must　be　frightening　to　them；　or　there　will　be　another　Jacob；　and　another　after　that。〃
　I　nodded。　〃You're　preaching　to　the　choir　here；　Rafael。〃
　〃If　you　are　not　his　girlfriend；　or　his　lover；　then　I　fear　that　your　influence　over　Richard　will　be　slight。〃
　〃I'm　not　sure　I　had　a　lot　of　influence　over　him　when　we　were　dating。〃
　〃If　you　cannot　talk　sense　into　him；　then　eventually　Richard　will　die　and　someone　else；　probably　Jacob；　will　take　over　the　pack。　The　first　thing　any　good　conqueror　does　is　kill　those　closest　and　most　loyal　to　the　executed　leader。〃
　〃You　think　Jacob　is　that　practical？〃　I　asked。
　〃Yes；〃　Rafael　said。
　〃What　do　you　want　me　to　do？〃
　〃I　want　you　to　hide　the　fact　that　you　and　Micah　are　lovers。〃
　I　glanced　behind　me　at　Micah。　He　shrugged；　face　peaceful。　〃I　told　you　I　wanted　you　on　any　terms　that　you　wished；　Anita。　What　do　I　have　to　do　to　convince　you　I　meant　that？〃
　I　searched　his　face；　tried　to　find　something　false　in　it；　and　couldn't。　Maybe　he　was　that　good　a　liar。　Maybe　I　was　just　being　too　suspicious。　〃When　we　were　with　the　leopards；　just　the　leopards；　I　was　pletely　fortable　with　you。　It　felt　right　and　。。。　why　doesn't　it　feel　that　way　now？〃
　〃You're　having　second　thoughts；〃　Reece　said。
　〃No；〃　Rafael　said。　He　looked　at　Micah；　and　the　two　of　them　had　major　eye　contact。
　The　staring　contest　went　on　so　long　that　I　had　to　interrupt。　〃One　of　you　better　start　talking；〃　I　said。
　Rafael　inclined　his　head　at　Micah；　as　if　to　say；　go　ahead。　I　turned　to　Micah。　〃Alright；〃　he　said；　and　he　seemed　to　be　choosing　his　words　carefully。　I　was　almost　positive　I　wasn't　going　to　like　this　conversation。　〃Every　pard；　every　group　of　shifters　that　is　healthy　has　a　group　mind。〃
　〃You　mean　a　group　identity？〃　I　asked。
　〃Not　exactly。　It's　more　。。。　〃　He　frowned。　〃It's　more　like　a　coven　that's　worked　magic　together　for　a　while。　They　begin　to　be　parts　of　a　whole　when　it　es　to　working　magic　or　healing。　Together　they　form　more　than　they　form　separately。〃
　〃Okay；　but　what's　that　have　to　do　with　why　I　felt　more　fortable　when　it's　just　us　leopards？〃
　〃If　you　feel　differently　when　the　leopards　are　around　you；　then　we're　forming　a　group　mind。　It　usually　takes　months　to　forge　that　kind　of　bond　between　shifters。　Maybe　it's　just　a　bond　with　your　own　leopards。　The　change　ing　on　could　have　set　it　in　motion。〃
　〃But　you　think　it's　more　than　that；　don't　you？〃
　He　nodded。　〃I　think　you're　forming　a　group　mind　with　my　pard；　that　in　effect；　the　decision　to　join　our　pards　into　one　unit　has　already　been　made。〃
　〃I　haven't　decided　anything。〃
　〃Haven't　you？〃　he　asked。　He　looked　so　reasonable　sitting　there；　hands　clasped　in　front　of　him；　leaning　a　little　towards　me。　So　earnest。
　〃Look；　the　sex　was　great。　But　I'm　not　ready　to　pick　out　china　patterns　here；　you　do　understand　that？〃　There　was　a　feeling　very　close　to　panic　in　the　pit　of　my　stomach。
　〃Sometimes　your　beast　picks　for　you；〃　Rafael　said。
　I　looked　at　him。　〃What　does　that　mean？〃
　〃If　you　are　already　a　part　of　a　group　mind　with　his　pard；　then　your　beast　has　chosen　for　you；　Anita。　It's　more　intimate　than　being　his　lover；　because　it's　not　just　him　that　you　have　a　mitment　to。〃
　I　gave　him　wide　eyes。　〃Are　you　saying　that　I'm　going　to　feel　responsible　for　the　safety　and　well…being　of　all　his　wereleopards　as　well　as　my　own？〃
　Rafael　nodded。　〃Probably。〃
　I　looked　back　at　Micah。　〃How　about　you？　You　feel　responsible　for　my　people？〃
　He　sighed；　and　it　was　heavy；　not　happy　at　all。　〃I　didn't　expect　to　form　a　bond　this　quickly。　I've　never　seen　it　work　this　fast。〃
　〃And？〃　I　said。
　His　mouth　moved；　almost　a　smile。　〃And；　if　we've　really　formed　a　group　mind；　then　yes；　I'll　feel　responsible　for　your　people。〃
　〃You　don't　sound　happy　about　that。〃
　〃Nothing　personal；　but　your　cats　are　a　mess。〃
　〃Yours　are　so　much　healthier；〃　I　said；　〃Gina　looks　like　someone　who's　been　kicked　once　too　often。〃
　Micah's　eyes　hardened；　and　he　searched　my　face。　〃No　one　talked　to　you。　They　wouldn't　dare。〃
　〃No　one　tattled；　Micah；　but　I　could　see　it　on　her；　smell　the　defeat。　Someone's　damn　near　broken　her；　and　it's　recent；　or　ongoing。　She　got　a　bad　boyfriend？〃
　His　face　closed　down。　He　didn't　like　that　I'd　figured　that　out。　〃Something　like　that。〃　But　his　pulse　had　sped　up；　and　I　knew　he　was　hiding　something　from　me；　something　that　scared　him。
　〃What　aren't　you　telling　me；　Micah？〃
　His　gaze　flicked　past　me　to　Rafael。　〃Will　she　be　able　to　read　my　people　more　easily　as　time　goes　on？〃
　〃And　you　hers；〃　Rafael　said。
　〃Her　people　are　pretty　easy　to　read　now；〃　he　said。
　I　was　watching　his　face。　He　was　controlling　his　body；　keeping　the　tension　out　of　it；　but　I　could　taste　the　speed　of　his　pulse；　and　the　fear。　It　wasn't　just　a　small　fear　either。　The　thought　that　I　could　read　his　people　so　pletely　almost　terrified　him。
　I　laid　my　hand　over　his　clasped　ones；　and　he　turned　serious；　guarded　eyes　to　me。　〃Why　does　it　scare　you　that　I　knew　that　Gina　is　being　abused？〃
　He　tensed　under　my　hand　and　pulled　away；　gently；　but　he　definitely　didn't　want　me　to　touch　him。　〃Gina　wouldn't　like　it　if　you　knew。〃
　〃As　her　Nimir…Raj；　aren't　you　supposed　to　protect　her　from　abusive　assholes？〃
　〃I've　done　my　best　for　her；〃　he　said；　but　it　sounded　defensive。
　〃Kick　the　guy's　ass　and　forbid　her　to　see　him　again。　It's　a　simple　problem；　don't　plicate　it。　Or　is　she　in　love　with　him？〃
　He　shook　his　head；　eyes　down；　his　hands　clutching　so　tight　that　the　skin　mottled。　His　voice　came　out　even；　normal；　but　that　terrible　tension　shook　through　his　hands。　〃No；　she's　not　in　love　with　him。〃
　〃Then　what's　the　problem？〃
　〃It's　more　plicated　than　you　could　ever　imagine。〃　He　looked　up；　and　there　was　anger　in　his　eyes　now。
　I　started　to　reach　out；　to　touch　him；　then　let　my　hand　fall　back。　〃If　we　really　are　forming　one　pard。　If　I　really　am　her　Nimir…Raj；　then　no　one's　allowed　to　hurt　her。　No　one　hurts　my　people。〃
　〃The　wolves　took　your　Gregory；〃　he　said。　The　anger　was　still　in　his　eyes；　trembling　down　his　hands。
　〃And　we're　going　to　get　him　back。〃
　〃I　know　you've　had　a　hard　life。　I've　heard　some　of　the　stories；　but　you　talk　as　if　you're　young　and　naive。　Sometimes　no　matter　how　hard　you　try；　you　can't　save　everyone。〃
　It　was　my　turn　to　look　down。　〃I've　lost　people。　I've　failed　people；　and　they've　gotten　hurt；　and　dead。〃　I　raised　my　eyes　to　meet　his　gaze。　〃But　the　people　who　hurt　them；　killed　them；　they're　dead　too。　Maybe　I　can't　keep　everyone　safe；　but　I'm　damn　fine　at　revenge。〃
　〃But　the　harm　still　happens。　The　dead　don't　really　walk　again。　Zombies　are　just　corpses；　Anita。　They　aren't　the　people　you　lost。〃
　〃I　know　that　last　better　than　you　do；　Micah。〃
　He　nodded。　Some　of　the　terrible　tension　had　eased　away　from　him；　but　I　left　his　eyes　haunted　with　some　old　pain　that　was　still　raw。
　〃I've　done　everything　I　can　for　Gina　and　the　others；　and　it's　still　not　enough。　It　will　never　be　enough。〃
　I　touched　his　hands；　and　this　time　he　let　me　slide　my　hands　over　his。　〃Maybe　together　we　can　be　enough　for　them　all。〃
　He　searched　my　face。　〃You　really　mean　that；　don't　you？〃
　〃Anita　rarely　says　anything　she　doesn't　mean；〃　Rafael　said；　〃but　if　I　were　her；　I'd　ask　first　what　the　problems　are　before　I　promised　to　fix　them。〃
　I　had　to　smile。　〃I　was　just　about　to　ask；　what　is　Gina　into　that's　got　you　so　terrified？〃
　He　turned　his　hands　so　he　was　holding　mine　tight。　He　looked　into　my　eyes。　The　look　was　not　love；　or　even　lust；　but　so　serious。　〃Let's　save　your　leopard　first；　then　ask　me　again；　and　I'll　tell　you　all　of　it。〃
　The　car　slowed　and　turned。　Gravel　sounded　under　the　tires。　It　was　the　turn…off　to　the　farm　that　fronted　the　woods　around　the　lupanar。
　〃Tell　me　some　of　it　now；　Micah。　I　need　something　here；　now。〃
　He　sighed；　looked　down　at　his　clasped　hands；　then　up；　slowly　to　meet　my　eyes。　〃Once　we　were　taken　over　by　a　very　bad　man。　He　still　wants　us；　and　I'm　searching　for　a　home　strong　enough　to　keep　us　safe。〃
　〃Why　are　you　afraid　to　tell　me？〃
　His　eyes　widened　a　little。　〃Most　pards　don't　want　that　kind　of　trouble。〃
　I　smiled。　〃Trouble　is　my　middle　name。〃
　He　looked　a　little　puzzled。　I　guess　I　was　the　only　one　who　liked　film　noir。　〃I'm　not　going　to　kick　you　guys　out　because　of　some　asshole　alpha。　Let　me　know　which　way　the　danger's　ing　from；　and　I'll　deal　with　it。〃
　〃I　wish　I　had　your　confidence。〃
　There　was　a　weight　to　his　gaze　of　such　sorrow；　such　horrible　loss。　It　made　me　shiver　to　see　it；　and　he　let　go　of　my　hands；　sliding　away　from　me　just　before　Merle　opened　the　door　and　offered　a　hand　out。　He　didn't　take　the　hand；　but　he　slid　out　into　the　dark。
　Reece　followed　him　with　a　look　at　Rafael；　as　if　the　rat　king　had　told　him　to　get　out　and　give　us　some　privacy。　I　turned　to　Rafael。　〃You　have　something　to　say？〃
　〃Be　careful　of　that　one；　Anita。　None　of　us　know　him；　or　his　people。〃
　〃Funny；　I　was　pretty　much　thinking　the　same　thing。〃
　〃Even　though　he　can　make　your　beast　roil　through　your　body？〃
　I　met　his　dark；　dark　eyes。　〃Maybe　especially　because　of　that。〃
　Rafael　smiled。　〃I　should　know　by　now　that　you　are　not　a　person　to　let　her　affections　cloud　her　vision。〃
　〃Oh；　it　c