lh.narcissusinchains-第66章

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　Raina　whispered　in　my　head；　〃It's　always　like　that　with　him　from　behind；　because　of　his　shape。〃
　I　tore　free　of　the　memory　and　found　myself　on　all　fours　beside　Gregory；　one　hand　on　his　body。　I　fell　back　from　him；　because　the　shared　memories　didn't　work　without　body　contact。
　I　turned　my　face　away　so　I　wouldn't　see　him　nude　and　ready；　because　I　could　still　feel　the　memory　of　him　inside　my　body；　Raina's　body。　A　hand　touched　my　bare　arm；　and　the　rush　of　memories　this　time　was　overwhelming。　I　was　there。
　He　filled　my　mouth；　my　throat；　came　inside　my　mouth　in　a　spill　of　thick　heat；　and　with　his　body　trembling；　thrashing；　teeth　tore　into　thick；　tender　flesh；　and　we　ate　him。　Blood　poured　upwards；　and　Raina　bathed　in　it。
　I　fought　free　of　it；　screaming；　shrieking；　and　someone　else　was　screaming　It　was　Gregory。　For　one　awful　second　I　opened　my　eyes；　because　the　memory　was　so　strong　I　couldn't　tell　the　difference　between　it　and　reality。　But　when　could　see　again；　he　was　whole；　crawling　away　from　me；　from　the　shared　memory。　Because　that　was　one　of　Raina's　gifts；　the　ability　to　share　the　horror。
　I　could　still　feel　the　thickness　of　meat　in　my　mouth；　taste　blood　and　thicker　things。　I　crawled　to　the　railing；　pulled　myself　up　and　lost　everything　I'd　eaten　that　day。
　Someone　came　up　behind　me；　and　I　put　out　a　hand；　head　still　dangling　over　the　dark　edge　of　the　deck。　〃Don't　touch　me。〃
　〃Anita；　it's　Merle。　Nathaniel　said　that　no　one　was　to　touch　you　that　had　ever　shared　a　。。。　〃　he　hesitated；　〃moment　with　the　old　lupa。　I　didn't　know　her。　She　can't　hurt　you　through　me。〃
　I　held　my　head　in　my　hands。　It　felt　like　it　was　going　to　split　apart。　〃He's　right。〃
　His　grip　on　my　shoulders　was　as　hesitant　as　his　words。　I　pushed　away　from　the　railing　and　the　world　swam。　Merle　caught　me；　held　me　against　his　chest。　〃It's　alright。〃
　〃I　can　still　taste　meat　and　blood　and　。。。　oh；　God！　God！〃　I　screamed　it；　and　it　didn't　help；　not　for　this。　Merle　held　me　against　his　chest；　tight；　my　hands　pinned　to　my　sides；　as　if　I'd　tried　to　hurt　myself。　I　didn't　think　I　had；　but　I　didn't　know　anymore。　Months　of　practice；　and　Raina　could　still　do　this　to　me。
　I　screamed　wordlessly　over　and　over　again；　as　if　I　could　scream　the　memory　out　of　me。　Every　time　I　drew　breath　I　could　hear　Merle　whispering；　〃It's　alright；　it's　alright；　Anita；　it's　alright。〃
　But　it　wasn't　alright。　What　Raina　had　just　shown　me　would　never　be　alright。　Merle　carried　me　into　the　bathroom；　and　I　didn't　protest。　Caleb　wet　a　cloth　and　put　it　on　my　forehead　without　a　word　of　teasing。　A　small　miracle；　but　not　the　one　we　needed。
　
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　RAINA　HAD　GONE；　fled　laughing；　pleased　with　herself。　God；　I　hated　that　woman。　I'd　already　killed　her；　it　wasn't　like　I　could　do　anything　else　to　her；　but　I　wanted　to。　I　wanted　her　to　hurt　like　she'd　hurt　so　many　others；　but　I　guess　it　was　a　little　late　for　that。
　Dr。　Lillian　was　shining　a　tiny　light　in　my　eyes　and　trying　to　get　me　to　follow　her　fingers。　I　wasn't　doing　a　good　enough　job　apparently；　because　she　wasn't　happy。　〃You　are　in　shock；　Anita；　and　so　is　Gregory。　He　was　a　little　shocky　before　you　began；　but　damn　it。〃
　I　blinked　and　tried　to　focus　on　her。　My　eyes　just　couldn't　settle　on　anything；　as　if　the　world　were　trembling；　but　that　made　no　sense。　Maybe　I　was　the　one　that　was　trembling？　I　couldn't　tell。　I　clutched　the　cover　they'd　put　around　me；　huddling　on　my　white　couch　amid　the　multicolored　pillows；　and　couldn't　get　warm。　〃What　are　you　saying；　doc？〃
　〃I'm　saying　that　Gregory's　chances　are　worse　than　fifty…fifty　now。〃
　I　blinked　and　fought　to　look　at　her；　meet　her　eyes；　to　think。　〃How　bad？〃
　〃Seventy…thirty；　maybe。　He's　curled　on　the　deck　in　a　blanket；　shivering　worse　than　you　are。〃
　I　shook　my　head；　and　couldn't　seem　to　stop。　I　closed　my　eyes；　forced　myself　to　be　still　for　a　second；　a　heartbeat。　I　spoke　without　opening　my　eyes。　〃I　saw　。。。　how　did　Gregory　heal　。。。　〃　I　stopped；　tried　again。　〃How　did　he　survive　。。。　what　she　did　to　him？〃
　〃We　can　regrow　any　body　part　short　of　decapitation；　unless　fire　is　added　to　the　wound　to　close　it。　We　can't　heal　burns；　unless　the　burned　flesh　is　pletely　removed；　in　effect　making　a　new　wound。〃　Her　voice　was　bitter；　fierce。　I'd　never　heard　her　so　angry。
　I　looked　up　at　her。　〃What's　wrong　with　you？〃
　Lillian　looked　down；　wouldn't　meet　my　eyes。　〃I　was　the　doctor　on　call　the　night　she　did　that　to　Gregory。　I　saw　the　reality；　not　just　a　memory。〃
　I　shook　my　head；　and　had　to　bury　my　chin　on　my　knees　to　stop　the　movement。　〃It　isn't　a　memory　with　the　munin；　doc；　it's　real。　It's　like　。。。　it's　like　a　live…action　movie；　but　with　me　in　the　movie。〃　I　hugged　my　knees　and　tried　desperately　not　to　think；　not　to　revisit　what　I'd　experienced。　I　was　actually　having　some　luck　being　absolutely　blank。　Even　my　mind　had　finally　found　something　so　terrible　it　couldn't　cope　with　it。　In　a　bizarre　way；　it　was　forting。　I'd　finally　found　a　line　that　I　could　not　cross。
　〃If　I　try　to　force　Gregory　into　animal　form　now；　it'll　probably　kill　him；〃　Dr。　Lillian　said。
　I　buried　my　face　into　my　knees；　hiding。　I　spoke　with　my　mouth　buried　against　the　thick　covers。　〃I　can't　try　again。〃
　〃No　one　is　asking　you　to　call　that　bitch　again。〃
　〃Anita。〃　It　was　Nathaniel。
　It　wasn't　his　voice　that　made　me　look　up；　it　was　the　rich；　bitter　smell　of　coffee。　I　found　him　holding　my　baby　penguin　mug　full　of　fresh　coffee。　It　was　very　pale；　lots　of　sugar；　lots　of　cream；　good　for　shock。　Hell；　good　for　everything。
　He　helped　me　rescue　my　hands　from　the　blanket　and　wrap　them　around　the　mug。　I　held　the　mug　tight；　and　it　took　several　seconds　to　realize　I　was　burning　my　hands。　I　didn't　panic；　just　handed　the　mug　back　to　Nathaniel。　He　took　it；　and　I　stared　at　my　pink；　red　hands。　I　had　first…degree　burns；　and　I　hadn't　felt　the　heat　until　it　was　too　late。
　〃Damn；〃　I　said；　softly。
　Lillian　sighed。　〃I'll　get　some　ice。〃　She　left　us　alone。
　Nathaniel　knelt　in　front　of　me；　being　careful　not　to　spill　the　coffee。　Merle　and　Cherry　glided　into　the　living　room　while　I　was　still　staring　at　my　reddened　hands。　Cherry　sat　beside　me　on　the　couch。　She　was　still　nude；　but　it　didn't　matter。　Nothing　seemed　to　matter。　Merle　stayed　standing；　and　I　didn't　even　bother　trying　to　look　up　at　him。　All　I　could　see　were　the　silver　toes　of　his　boots。
　〃Nathaniel　said　that　you　touched　his　beast　when　you　marked　his　back；〃　Cherry　said。
　I　blinked　at　her；　meeting　her　pale　eyes。　I　nodded。　I　remembered　a　shining　moment；　after　I'd　marked　his　back　actually；　where　I'd　felt　his　beast　roiling　under　the　touch　of　my　power；　and　I'd　been　sure　I　could　call　that　part　of　him；　make　him　shapeshift　for　me。　I　was　still　nodding；　and　made　myself　stop；　saying；　〃I　remember。〃
　Lillian　came　back　out　and　applied　bags　of　ice　wrapped　in　a　small　towel　to　my　hands。　〃Try　not　to　hurt　yourself　for　a　few　minutes。　I'm　going　back　to　check　on　Gregory。〃　She　left　me　with　the　three　leopards　and　my　ice。
　〃If　you　touched　Nathaniel's　beast；　there's　a　chance　you　could　call　Gregory's　now。〃
　I　shook　my　head。　〃I　don't　think　so。〃
　Cherry　gripped　my　arm。　〃Don't　fall　apart　on　us　now；　Anita；　Gregory　needs　you。〃
　The　first　flare　of　anger　pushed　through　the　shock。　〃I　have　done　my　fucking　best　for　him　tonight。〃
　She　dropped　her　hand　away　from　my　arm；　but　didn't　look　away。　〃Anita；　please；　Merle　thinks　you　may　be　strong　enough　to　call　Gregory's　beast；　even　before　your　first　full　moon。〃
　I　clutched　the　towel…covered　ice　to　my　chest。　The　sudden　cold　across　my　nearly　naked　chest　helped　clear　my　head。　〃I　thought　that　wasn't　possible　before　I　shifted　for　the　first　time。〃
　〃With　you；　Anita；〃　Merle　said；　〃I　would　be　a　fool　to　say　what　you　can　and　can't　do。〃
　I　let　the　ice　fall　on　the　coverlet　in　my　lap　and　looked　up　at　the　big　man。　〃Why　the　change　of　heart？　I　failed　Gregory　out　there　on　the　deck。〃
　〃You　risked　yourself　for　one　of　your　cats。　It　is　the　very　best　a　Nimir…Ra；　or　…Raj；　has　in　them；　to　take　great　risks　for　their　people。〃
　I　touched　the　towel；　found　one　corner　wet；　and　knew　the　plastic　bag　hadn't　sealed　pletely。　I　moved　the　bag　rightside　up　so　it　wouldn't　spill　anymore。　〃What　do　you　want　from　me？〃　My　voice　sounded　as　tired　as　I　felt。
　Merle　knelt　in　front　of　me；　and　I　met　his　eyes。　There　was　a　look　in　them　that　I　didn't　want　right　now。　He　seemed　to　trust　me；　and　I　didn't　feel　trustworthy。　I　felt　scared。
　〃Call　Gregory's　beast。〃
　〃I　don't　know　how。　When　I　was　with　Nathaniel；　it　was　。。。　〃　I　sighed。
　〃It　was　sexual；〃　Cherry　finished　for　me。
　I　nodded。　〃I　am　not　trying　for　that　kind　of　mood　with　Gregory　again　tonight。　I　don't　think　either　he；　or　I；　could　handle　it　if　it　went　wrong　again。〃
　〃Calling　the　beast　doesn't　have　to　be　sexual；〃　Merle　said。
　I　met　his　strangely　trusting　gaze。　I　was　beyond　tired。　I　just　didn't　have　anything　left　tonight；　not　for　Gregory。　I　did　not　want　to　touch　him　again　tonight。　Part　of　me　was　afraid　that　Raina　would　make　an　unplanned　appearance；　though　I　knew　that　was　almost　impossible　for　her　now。　I　did　have　better　control　than　that。　But　。。。　〃How　can　I　ever　touch　Gregory　again　and　not　remember　that？〃
　〃I　don't　know；〃　Cherry　said；　〃but　please；　Anita；　please　help　him。〃
　〃How　do　I　call　his　beast　without　getting　in　the　mood？〃　I　asked。
　〃You　need　to　talk　to　someone　who　can　call　the　beast　from　their　people；〃　Merle　said。
　I　looked　at　him。　〃You　got　someone　in　mind？〃
　〃I　am　told　your　Ulfric　can　call　the　beast　from　his　wolves。〃
　I　nodded。　〃So　I　hear。〃
　〃If　he　called　a　wolf　into　form；　while　you　watched；　then　he　might　be　able　to　show　you　how　to　do　it。〃
　〃You　really　think　it　will　work？〃　I　asked　him。
　〃I　don't　know；〃　he　said；　〃but　isn't　it　worth　trying？〃
　I　handed　him　the　leaking　bag　of　ice。　〃Sure；　if　Richard　will　e。〃
　Nathaniel　answered　that　one。　〃Richard　blames　himself　for　Gregory's　injuries。　If　we　offer　him　a　chance　to　heal　him；　he'll　e。〃
　I　stared　at　Nathaniel；　watched　the　intelligence　in　those　flower…colored　eyes。　It　was　one　of　the　most　insightful　things　I'd　ever　heard　him　say。　It　gave　me　just　a　little　hope；　that　indeed　Nathaniel　could　be　made　whole　　that　he　was　getting　better。　I　needed　some　hope　just　then；　but　it　was　still　unnerving　for　Nathaniel　to　know　Richard　so　well；　to　be　that　observant。　It　meant　that　I'd　underestimated　Nathaniel。　I　kept　equating　submissiveness　with　being　inferior；　and　that　wasn't　really　the　case。　Some　people　choose　to　be　bottoms；　to　serve；　it　doesn't　make　them　less；　just　different。　I　looked　into　his　face　and　wondered　what　else　I'd　missed；　or　what　else　he'd　show　me？　It　was　a　night　for　revelations；　so　why　the　hell　not　have　Richard　join　us？　How　much　worse　could　it　get？　Please；　no　one　answer　that。
　
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　I　BRUSHED　MY　teeth　and　sat　at　the　kitchen　table　in　the　dark；　drinking　coffee　while　we　waited。　Nathaniel　padded　barefoot　into　the　room；　his　hair　swinging　loose　around　his　bare　chest　and　the　jean　shorts　he'd　put　on。
　〃How's　Gregory？〃　I　asked。
　〃Dr。　Lillian　put　an　IV　in　him；　to　help　with　the　shock；　she　said。〃　He　stopped　beside　the　table；　not　quite　in　front　of　me。
　〃An　IV。　Richard　will　be　here　within　an　hour　or　less。　If　she　put　an　IV　in　then　。。。　〃　I　let　my　voice　trail　off。
　Nathaniel　finished　for　me。　〃Gregory's　very　hurt。〃
　I　looked　up　at　him　in　the　darkened　kitchen。　The　only　light　was　the　small　one　over　the　sink。　It　left　most　of