lmb.shardsofhonor-第31章

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　〃Yes；　I　know。。。〃　She　twitched　her　mouth　into　a　smile。　〃I'll　c…cooperate。　S…sure。〃
　
　CHAPTER　THIRTEEN
　〃Now；〃　said　Dr。　Mehta　cheerfully；　setting　up　her　box　on　a　table　in　the　Naismiths'　apartment　next　afternoon；　〃this　is　a　pletely　non…invasive　method　of　monitoring。　You　won't　feel　a　thing；　it　won't　do　a　thing　to　you；　except　give　me　clues　as　to　which　subjects　are　of　subconscious　importance　to　you。〃　She　paused　to　swallow　a　capsule；　remarking；　〃Allergy。　Excuse　me。　Think　of　it　as　an　emotional　dowsing　rod；　looking　for　those　buried　streams　of　experience。〃
　〃Telling　you　where　to　drill　the　well；　eh？〃
　〃Exactly。　Do　you　mind　if　I　smoke？〃
　〃Go　ahead。〃
　Mehta　lit　an　aromatic　cigarette　and　set　it　casually　in　an　ashtray　she　had　brought　with　her。　The　smoke　drifted　toward　Cordelia。　She　squinted　at　its　acridity。　Odd　perversion　for　a　doctor；　well；　we　all　have　our　weaknesses。　She　eyed　the　box；　suppressing　irritation。
　〃Now　for　a　baseline；〃　said　Mehta。　〃July。〃
　〃Am　I　supposed　to　say　August；　or　something？〃
　〃No；　it's　not　a　free…association　test…the　machine　will　do　the　work。　But　you　may；　if　you　wish。〃
　〃That's　all　right。〃
　〃Twelve。〃
　Apostles；　thought　Cordelia。　Eggs。　Days　of　Christmas。
　〃Death。〃
　Birth；　thought　Cordelia。　Those　upper…class　Barrayarans　put　everything　into　their　children。　Name；　property；　culture；　even　their　government's　continuity。　A　huge　burden；　no　wonder　the　children　bend　and　twist　under　the　strain。
　〃Birth。〃
　Death；　thought　Cordelia。　A　man　without　a　son　is　a　walking　ghost　there；　with　no　part　in　their　future。　And　when　their　government　fails；　they　pay　the　price　in　their　children's　lives。　Five　thousand。
　Mehta　moved　her　ashtray　a　little　to　the　left。　It　didn't　help；　made　it　worse；　in　fact。
　〃Sex。〃
　Not　likely；　with　me　here　and　him　there。。。
　〃Seventeen。〃
　Canisters；　thought　Cordelia。　Wonder　how　those　poor　desperate　little　scraps　of　life　are　doing？
　Dr。　Mehta　frowned　uncertainly　at　her　readouts。　〃Seventeen？〃　she　repeated。
　Eighteen；　Cordelia　thought　firmly。　Dr。　Mehta　made　a　note。
　〃Admiral　Vorrutyer。〃
　Poor　butchered　toad。　You　know；　I　think　you　spoke　the　truth…you　must　have　loved　Aral　once；　to　have　hated　him　so。　What　did　he　do　to　you；　I　wonder？　Rejected　you；　most　likely。　I　could　understand　that　pain。　We　have　some　mon　ground　after　all；　perhaps。。。
　Mehta　adjusted　another　dial；　frowned　again；　turned　it　back。　〃Admiral　Vorkosigan。〃
　Ah　love；　let　us　be　true　to　one　another。。。　Cordelia　focused　wearily　on　Mehta's　blue　uniform。　She'll　get　a　geyser　if　she　drills　her　well　there…probably　knows　it　already；　she's　making　another　note。。。
　Mehta　glanced　at　her　chronometer；　and　leaned　forward　with　increased　attention。　〃Let's　talk　about　Admiral　Vorkosigan。〃
　Let's　not；　thought　Cordelia；　〃What　about　him？〃
　〃Does　he　work　much　in　their　Intelligence　section；　do　you　know？〃
　〃I　don't　think　so。　His　main　line　seems　to　be　Staff　tactician；　when…when　he　isn't　on　patrol　duty。〃
　〃The　Butcher　of　Komarr。〃
　〃That's　a　damned　lie；〃　said　Cordelia　automatically；　then　wished　she　hadn't　spoken。
　〃Who　told　you　that？〃　asked　Mehta。
　〃He　did。〃
　〃He　did。　Ah。〃
　I'll　get　you　for　that　〃Ah〃…no。　Cooperation。　Calm。　I　do　feel　calm。。。　Wish　that　woman　would　either　finish　smoking　that　thing　or　put　it　out。　Stings　my　eyes。
　〃What　proof　did　he　offer　you？〃
　None；　Cordelia　realized。　〃His　word；　I　guess。　His　honor。〃
　〃Rather　intangible。〃　She　made　another　note。　〃And　you　believed　him？〃
　〃Yes。〃
　〃Why？〃
　〃It…seemed　consistent；　with　what　I　saw　of　his　character。〃
　〃You　were　his　prisoner　for　six　days；　were　you　not；　on　that　Survey　mission？〃
　〃That's　right。〃
　Mehta　tapped　her　light　pen　and　said　〃hm；〃　absently；　looking　through　her。　〃You　seem　quite　convinced　of　this　Vorkosigan's　veracity。　You　don't　think　he　ever　lied　to　you；　then？〃
　〃Well…yes；　but　after　all；　I　was　an　enemy　officer。〃
　〃Yet　you　seem　to　accept　his　statements　unquestioningly。〃
　Cordelia　tried　to　explain。　〃A　man's　word　is　something　more　to　a　Barrayaran　than　a　vague　promise；　at　least　for　the　old…fashioned　types。　Heavens；　it's　even　the　basis　for　their　government；　oaths　of　fealty　and　all　that。〃
　Mehta　whistled　soundlessly。　〃You　approve　of　their　form　of　government　now；　do　you？〃
　Cordelia　stirred　unfortably。　〃Not　exactly。　I'm　just　starting　to　understand　it　a　little；　is　all。　It　could　be　made　to　work；　I　suppose。〃
　〃So　this　word　of　honor　business…you　believe　he　never　breaks　it？〃
　〃Well。。。〃
　〃He　does；　then。〃
　〃I　have　seen　him　do　so。　But　the　cost　was　huge。〃
　〃He　breaks　it　for　a　price；　then。〃
　〃Not　for　a　price。　At　a　cost。〃
　〃I　fail　to　see　the　distinction。〃
　〃A　price　is　something　you　get。　A　cost　is　something　you　lose。　He　lost…much；　at　Escobar。〃
　The　talk　was　drifting　onto　dangerous　ground。　Got　to　change　the　subject；　Cordelia　thought　drowsily。　Or　take　a　nap。。。　Mehta　glanced　at　the　time　again；　and　studied　Cordelia's　face　intently。
　〃Escobar；〃　said　Mehta。
　〃Aral　lost　his　honor　at　Escobar；　you　know。　He　said　he　was　going　to　go　home　and　get　drunk；　afterwards。　Escobar　broke　his　heart；　I　think。〃
　〃Aral。。。　You　call　him　by　his　first　name？〃
　〃He　calls　me　'dear　Captain。'　I　always　thought　that　was　funny。　Very　revealing；　in　a　way。　He　really　does　think　of　me　as　a　lady　soldier。　Vorrutyer　was　right　again…I　think　I　am　the　solution　to　a　difficulty　for　him。　I'm　glad。。。〃　The　room　was　getting　warm。　She　yawned。　The　wisps　of　smoke　wound　tendril…like　about　her。
　〃Soldier。〃
　〃He　loves　his　soldiers；　you　know。　He　really　does。　He's　stuffed　with　this　peculiar　Barrayaran　patriotism。　All　honor　to　the　Emperor。　The　Emperor　hardly　seems　worthy　of　it。。。〃
　〃Emperor。〃
　〃Poor　sod。　Tormented　as　Bothari。　May　be　as　mad。〃
　〃Bothari？　Who　is　Bothari？〃
　〃He　talks　to　demons。　The　demons　talk　back。　You'd　like　Bothari。　Aral　does。　I　do。　Good　guy　to　have　with　you　on　your　next　trip　to　hell。　He　speaks　the　language。〃
　Mehta　frowned；　twiddled　her　dials　again；　and　tapped　her　readout　screen　with　a　long　fingernail。　She　backtracked。　〃Emperor。〃
　Cordelia　could　hardly　keep　her　eyes　open。　Mehta　lit　another　cigarette　and　set　it　beside　the　stub　of　the　first。　〃Prince；〃　said　Cordelia。　Mustn't　talk　about　the　Prince。。。　〃Prince；〃　repeated　Mehta。
　〃Mustn't　talk　about　the　Prince。　That　mountain　of　corpses。。。〃　Cordelia　squinted　in　the　smoke。　The　smoke…the　odd；　acrid　smoke　from　cigarettes；　once　lit；　never　again　lifted　to　the　mouth。。。
　〃You're…drugging…me。。。〃　Her　voice　broke　in　a　strangled　howl；　and　she　staggered　to　her　feet。　The　air　was　like　glue。　Mehta　leaned　forward；　lips　parted　in　concentration。　She　then　jumped　from　her　chair　and　back　in　surprise　as　Cordelia　lurched　toward　her。
　Cordelia　swept　the　recorder　from　the　table　and　fell　upon　it　as　it　smashed　to　the　floor；　beating　on　it　with　her　good　hand；　her　right　hand。　〃Never　talk！　No　more　death！　You　can't　make　me！　Blew　it…you　can't　get　away　with　it；　I'm　sorry；　watchdog；　remembers　every　word；　I'm　sorry；　shot　him；　please；　talk　to　me；　please；　let　me　out；　please　let　me　out　pleaseletmeout。。。〃
　Mehta　was　trying　to　lift　her　from　the　floor；　speaking　soothingly。　Cordelia　caught　pieces　in　the　outwash　of　her　own　babble。　〃…not　supposed　to　do　that…idiosyncratic　reaction…most　unusual。　Please；　Captain　Naismith；　e　lie　down。。。〃
　Something　glittered　at　Mehta's　fingertips。　An　ampule。　〃No！〃　screamed　Cordelia；　rolling　on　her　back　and　kicking　at　her。　She　connected。　The　ampule　arced　away　to　roll　under　a　low　table。　〃No　drugs　no　drugs　no　no　no。。。〃　Mehta　was　pale　olive。　〃All　right！　All　right！　But　e　lie　down…that's　it；　like　that。。。〃　She　darted　away　to　turn　up　the　air…conditioning　full　blast；　and　stub　out　the　second　cigarette。　The　air　cleared　quickly。
　Cordelia　lay　on　the　couch；　regaining　her　breath　and　trembling。　So　close…she　had　e　so　close　to　betraying　him…and　this　was　only　the　first　session。　Gradually　she　began　to　feel　cooler　and　clearer。
　She　sat　up；　her　face　buried　in　her　hands。　〃That　was　a　dirty　trick；〃　she　observed　in　a　flat　voice。
　Mehta　smiled；　thin　as　plastic　over　an　underlying　excitement。　〃Well；　it　was；　a　little。　But　it's　been　an　enormously　productive　session。　Far　more　than　I　ever　expected。〃
　I'll　bet；　thought　Cordelia。　Enjoyed　my　performance；　did　you？　Mehta　was　kneeling　on　the　floor；　picking　up　pieces　of　the　recorder。
　〃Sorry　about　your　machine。　Can't　imagine　what　came　over　me。　Did　I…destroy　your　results？〃
　〃Yes；　you　should　have　just　fallen　asleep。　Strange。　And　no。〃　Rather　triumphantly；　she　pulled　a　data　cartridge　from　the　wreck；　and　set　it　carefully　on　the　table。　〃You　won't　have　to　go　through　that　again。　It's　all　right　here。　Very　good。〃
　〃What　do　you　make　of　it？〃　asked　Cordelia　dryly；　through　her　fingers。
　Mehta　regarded　her　with　professional　fascination。　〃You　are　without　doubt　the　most　challenging　case　I've　ever　handled。　But　this　should　relieve　your　mind　of　any　lingering　doubts　about　whether　the　Barrayarans　have；　ah；　violently　rearranged　your　thinking。　Your　readouts　practically　went　off　the　scales。〃　She　nodded　firmly。
　〃You　know；〃　said　Cordelia；　〃I'm　not　too　crazy　about　your　methods。　I　have　a…particular　aversion　to　being　drugged　against　my　will。　I　thought　that　sort　of　thing　was　illegal。〃
　〃But　necessary；　sometimes。　The　data　are　much　purer　if　the　subject　is　not　aware　of　the　observation。　It's　considered　sufficiently　ethical　if　permission　is　obtained　post　facto。〃
　〃Post　facto　permission；　eh？〃　Cordelia　purred。　Fear　and　fury　wound　a　double　helix　up　her　spine；　coiling　tighter　and　tighter。　With　an　effort；　she　kept　her　smile　straight；　not　letting　it　turn　into　a　snarl。　〃That's　a　legal　concept　I'd　never　thought　of。　It　sounds…almost　Barrayaran。　I　don't　want　you　on　my　case；〃　she　added　abruptly。　Mehta　made　a　note；　and　looked　up；　smiling。　〃That's　not　a　statement　of　emotion；〃　Cordelia　emphasized。　〃That's　a　legal　demand。　I　refuse　any　further　treatment　from　you。〃
　Mehta　nodded　understandingly。　Was　the　woman　deaf？
　〃Enormous　progress；〃　said　Mehta　happily。　〃I　wouldn't　have　expected　to　uncover　the　aversion　defense　for　another　week　yet。〃
　〃What？〃
　〃You　didn't　expect　the　Barrayarans　would　put　that　much　work　into　you　and　not　plant　defenses　around　it；　did　you？　Of　course　you　feel　hostile。　Just　remember；　those　are　not　your　own　feelings。　Tomorrow；　we　will　work　on　them。〃
　〃Oh　no　we　won't！〃　The　muscles　up　her　scalp　were　tense　as　wire。　Her　head　ached　fiercely。　〃You're　fired！〃
　Mehta　looked　eager。　〃Oh；　excellent！〃
　〃Did　you　hear　me？〃　demanded　Cordelia。　Where　did　that　shrieky　whine　in　my　voice　e　from？　Calm；　calm。。。
　〃Captain　Naismith；　I　remind　you　that　we　are　not　civilians。　I　am　not　in　the　ordinary　legal　physician…patient　relationship　with　you；　we　are　both　under　military　discipline；　pursuing；　I　have　reason　to　believe；　a　military…never　mind。　Suffice　it　to　say；　you　did　not　hire　me　and　you　can't　fire　me。　Tomorrow；　then。〃
　Cordelia　remained　seated　for　hours　after　she　left；　staring　at　the　wall　and　swinging　her　leg　in　absent　thumps　against　the　side　of　the　couch；　until　her　mother　came　home　with　supper。　The　next　day　she　left　the　apartment　early　in　the　morning　on　a　random　tour　of　the　city；　and　didn't　return　until　late　at　night。
　That　night；　in　her　weariness　and　loneliness；　she　sat　down　to　write　her　first　letter　to　Vorkosigan。　She　threw　away　her　original　attempt　halfway　through；　when　she　realized　his　mail　was　probably　read　by　other　eyes；　perhaps　Illyan's。　Her　second