lmb.shardsofhonor-第34章

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　She　hopped　out　of　the　lightflyer。　〃Uh；　good　afternoon；　Sergeant。　Is　Admiral　Vorkosigan　at　home？〃
　He　stared　at　her；　narrow…eyed；　then　his　face　seemed　to　clear；　and　he　saluted　her。　〃Captain　Naismith。　Ma'am。　Yes。〃
　〃You're　looking　a　lot　better　than　when　we　last　met。〃
　〃Ma'am？〃
　〃On　the　flagship。　At　Escobar。〃
　He　looked　troubled。　〃I…can't　remember　Escobar。　Admiral　Vorkosigan　says　I　was　there。〃
　〃I　see。〃　Took　away　your　memory；　did　they？　Or　did　you　do　it　yourself？　No　telling　now。　〃I'm　sorry　to　hear　that。　You　served　bravely。〃
　〃Did　I？　I　was　discharged；　after。〃
　〃Oh？　What's　the　uniform？〃
　〃Count　Vorkosigan's　livery；　ma'am。　He　took　me　into　his　personal　guard。〃
　〃I'm…sure　you'll　serve　him　well。　May　I　see　Admiral　Vorkosigan？〃
　〃He's　around　back；　ma'am。　You　can　go　up。〃　He　wandered　away；　evidently　making　some　kind　of　patrol　circuit。
　She　trudged　around　the　house；　the　sun　warm　on　her　back；　lacking　at　the　unaccustomed　skirts　of　her　dress　and　making　them　swirl　about　her　knees。　She　had　bought　it　yesterday　in　Vorbarr　Sultana；　partly　for　fun；　mostly　because　her　old　tan　Survey　fatigues　with　the　insignia　taken　off　collected　stares　in　the　streets。　Its　dark　floral　pattern　pleased　her　eye。　Her　hair　hung　loose；　parted　in　the　middle　and　held　back　from　her　face　by　two　enameled　bs；　also　purchased　yesterday。
　A　little　farther　up　the　hill　was　a　garden；　surrounded　by　a　low　grey　stone　wall。　No；　not　a　garden；　she　realized　as　she　approached：　a　graveyard。　An　old　man　in　old　coveralls　was　working　in　it；　kneeling　in　the　dirt　planting　young　flowers　from　a　flat。　He　squinted　up　at　her　as　she　pushed　through　the　little　gate。　She　did　not　mistake　his　identity。　He　was　a　little　taller　than　his　son；　and　his　musculature　had　gone　thin　and　stringy　with　age；　but　she　saw　Vorkosigan　in　the　bones　of　his　face。
　〃General　Count　Vorkosigan；　sir？〃　She　saluted　him　automatically；　then　realized　how　peculiar　it　must　look　in　the　dress。　He　rose　stiffly　to　his　feet。　〃My　name　is　Cap…my　name　is　Cordelia　Naismith。　I'm　a　friend　of　Aral's。　I…don't　know　if　he　mentioned　me　to　you。　Is　he　here？〃
　〃How　do　you　do；　madam。〃　He　came　more　or　less　to　attention；　and　gave　her　a　courteous　half…nod　that　was　achingly　familiar。　〃He　said　very　little；　and　it　did　not　lead　me　to　think　I　might　meet　you。〃　A　smile　creaked　across　his　face；　as　if　those　muscles　were　stiff　from　long　disuse。　〃You　have　no　idea　how　pleased　I　am　to　be　wrong。〃　He　gestured　over　his　shoulder　up　the　hill。　〃There　is　a　little　pavilion　at　the　top　of　our　property；　overlooking　the　lake。　He；　ah；　sits　up　there　most　of　the　time。〃
　〃I　see。〃　She　spotted　the　path；　winding　up　past　the　graveyard。　〃Um。　I'm　not　sure　how　to　put　this。。。　is　he　sober？〃
　He　glanced　at　the　sun；　and　pursed　leathery　lips。　〃Probably　not；　by　this　hour。　When　he　first　came　home　he　only　drank　after　dinner；　but　the　time　has　been　creeping　up；　gradually。　Very　disturbing；　but　there　isn't　much　I　can　do　about　it。　Although　if　that　gut　of　his　starts　bleeding　again　I　may。。。〃　He　broke　off；　looking　her　over　with　intense；　uncertain　speculation。　〃He　has　taken　this　Escobar　failure　unnecessarily　personally；　I　think。　His　resignation　was　not　in　the　least　called　for。〃
　She　deduced　the　old　Count　was　not　in　the　Emperor's　confidence　on　this　matter；　and　thought；　it　wasn't　its　failure　that　slew　his　spirit；　sir；　it　was　its　success。　Aloud；　she　said；　〃Loyalty　to　your　Emperor　was　a　very　great　point　of　honor　for　him；　I　know。〃　Almost　its　last　bastion；　and　your　Emperor　chose　to　flatten　it　to　its　foundations　in　the　service　of　his　great　need。。。
　〃Why　don't　you　go　on　up；〃　suggested　the　old　man。　〃Although；　this　isn't　a　very　good　day　for　him；　I　had　better　warn　you。〃
　〃Thank　you。　I　understand。〃
　He　stood　looking　after　her　as　she　left　the　walled　enclosure　and　went　on　up　the　winding　walk。　It　was　shaded　by　trees；　most　of　them　Earth　imports；　and　some　other　vegetation　that　had　to　be　local。　The　hedge　of　bush…like　things　with　flowers…she　assumed　they　were　flowers；　Dubauer　would　have　known…that　looked　like　pink　ostrich　feathers　was　particularly　striking。
　The　pavilion　was　a　faintly　oriental　structure　of　weathered　wood；　manding　a　fine　view　of　the　sparkling　lake。　Vines　climbed　it；　seeming　to　claim　it　for　the　rocky　soil。　It　was　open　on　all　four　sides；　and　furnished　with　a　couple　of　shabby　chaises；　a　large　faded　armchair　and　footstool；　and　a　small　table　holding　two　decanters；　some　glasses；　and　a　bottle　of　a　thick　white　liquid。
　Vorkosigan　lay　back　in　the　chair；　eyes　closed；　bare　feet　on　the　stool；　a　pair　of　sandals　kicked　carelessly　over　the　side。　Cordelia　paused　at　the　pavilion's　edge　to　study　him　with　a　sort　of　delicate　enjoyment。　He　wore　an　old　pair　of　black　uniform　trousers　and　a　very　civilian　shirt；　a　loud　and　unexpected　floral　print。　He　obviously　had　not　shaved　that　morning。　His　toes；　she　noticed；　had　a　little　wiry　black　hair　on　them　like　the　backs　of　his　fingers　and　hands。　She　decided　she　definitely　liked　his　feet；　indeed　could　easily　bee　quite　foolishly　fond　of　every　part　of　him。　His　generally　seedy　air　was　less　amusing。　Tired；　and　more　than　tired。　Ill。
　He　opened　his　eyes　to　slits　and　reached　for　a　crystal　tumbler　filled　with　an　amber　liquid；　then　appeared　to　change　his　mind　and　picked　up　the　white　bottle　instead。　A　small　measuring　cup　stood　beside　it；　which　he　ignored；　knocking　back　a　slug　of　the　white　liquid　directly　from　its　source　instead。　He　sneered　briefly　at　the　bottle；　then　traded　it　for　the　crystal　tumbler　and　took　a　drink；　rinsing　it　around　in　his　mouth　and　swallowing。　He　hunched　back　down　in　the　armchair；　at　a　slightly　lower　level　than　before。
　〃Liquid　breakfast？〃　Cordelia　inquired。　〃Is　it　as　tasty　as　oatmeal　and　blue　cheese　dressing？〃
　His　eyes　snapped　open。　〃You；〃　he　said　hoarsely　after　a　moment；　〃are　not　a　hallucination。〃　He　started　to　get　up；　then　appeared　to　think　better　of　it　and　sank　back　in　frozen　self…consciousness。　〃I　never　wanted　you　to　see。。。〃
　She　mounted　the　steps　to　the　shade；　pushed　a　chaise　closer　to　him；　and　seated　herself。　Blast；　she　thought；　I've　embarrassed　him；　catching　him　all　awry　like　this。　Off　balance。　How　to　put　him　at　his　ease？　I　would　have　him　at　his　ease；　always。。。　〃I　tried　to　call　ahead；　when　I　first　landed　yesterday；　but　I　kept　missing　you。　If　hallucinations　are　what　you　expect；　that　must　be　remarkable　stuff。　Pour　me　one　too；　please。〃
　〃I　think　you'd　prefer　the　other。〃　He　poured　from　the　second　decanter；　looking　shaken。　Curious；　she　tasted　from　his　glass。
　〃Faugh！　That's　not　wine。〃
　〃Brandy。〃
　〃At　this　hour？〃
　〃If　I　start　after　breakfast；〃　he　explained；　〃I　can　generally　achieve　total　unconsciousness　by　lunch。〃
　Pretty　close　to　lunch　now；　she　thought。　His　speech　had　misled　her　at　first；　being　perfectly　clear；　only　slower　and　more　hesitant　than　usual。　〃There　must　be　less　poisonous　general　anesthetics。〃　The　straw…pale　wine　he　had　poured　her　was　excellent；　although　dry　for　her　taste。　〃You　do　this　every　day？〃
　〃God；　no。〃　He　shuddered。　〃Two　or　three　times　a　week　at　most。　One　day　drinking；　the　next　day　being　ill…a　hangover　is　quite　as　good　as　being　drunk　for　taking　your　mind　off　other　things…the　next　day　running　errands　and　such　for　my　father。　He's　slowed　down　a　great　deal　in　the　last　few　years。〃
　He　was　gradually　pulling　himself　into　better　focus；　as　his　initial　awkward　terror　of　being　repellant　to　her　ebbed。　He　sat　up　and　rubbed　his　hand　over　his　face　in　the　familiar　gesture；　as　if　to　scrub　away　the　numbness；　and　made　a　stab　at　light　conversation。　〃That's　a　pretty　dress。　A　great　improvement　over　those　orange　things。〃
　〃Thanks；〃　she　said；　falling　in　immediately　with　his　lead。　〃I'm　sorry　I　can't　say　the　same　for　your　shirt…does　that　represent　your　own　taste；　by　chance？〃
　〃No；　it　was　a　gift。〃
　〃I'm　relieved。〃
　〃Something　of　a　joke。　Some　of　my　officers　got　together　and　purchased　it　on　the　occasion　of　my　first　promotion　to　admiral；　before　Komarr。　I　always　think　of　them；　when　I　wear　it。〃
　〃Well；　that's　nice。　In　that　case　I　guess　I　can　get　used　to　it。〃
　〃Three　of　the　four　are　dead；　now。　Two　died　at　Escobar。〃
　〃I　see。〃　So　much　for　light　chitchat。　She　swirled　her　wine　around　in　the　bottom　of　her　glass。　〃You　look　like　hell；　you　know。　Pasty。〃
　〃Yes；　I　stopped　exercising。　Bothari's　quite　offended。〃
　〃I'm　glad　Bothari　didn't　get　in　too　much　trouble　over　Vorrutyer。〃
　〃It　was　touch　and　go；　but　I　got　him　off。　Illyan's　testimony　helped。〃
　〃Yet　they　discharged　him。〃
　〃Honorably。　On　a　medical。〃
　〃Did　you　put　your　father　up　to　hiring　him？〃
　〃Yes。　It　seemed　like　the　right　thing　to　do。　He'll　never　be　normal；　as　we　think　of　it；　but　at　least　he　has　a　uniform；　and　a　weapon；　and　regulations　of　a　sort　to　follow。　It　seems　to　give　him　an　anchor。〃　He　ran　a　finger　slowly　around　the　rim　of　the　brandy　tumbler。　〃He　was　Vorrutyer's　batman　for　four　years；　you　see。　He　was　not　too　well；　when　he　was　first　assigned　to　the　General　Vorkraft。　On　the　verge　of　a　split　personality…separating　memories；　the　works。　Rather　scary。　Being　a　soldier　seems　to　be　about　the　only　human　role　he　can　meet　the　demands　of。　It　allows　him　a　kind　of　self…respect。〃　He　smiled　at　her。　〃You；　on　the　other　hand；　look　like　heaven。　Can　you；　ah…stay　long？〃
　There　was　a　hesitant　hunger　in　his　face；　soundless　desire　suppressed　by　uncertainty。　We　have　hesitated　so　long；　she　thought；　it's　bee　a　habit。　Then　it　dawned　on　her　that　he　feared　she　might　only　be　visiting。　Hell　of　a　long　trip　for　a　chat；　my　love。　You　are　drunk。
　〃As　long　as　you　like。　I　discovered；　when　I　went　home…it　was　changed。　Or　I　was　changed。　Nothing　fit　anymore。　I　offended　nearly　everybody；　and　left　one　step　ahead　of；　um；　a　whole　lot　of　trouble。　I　can't　go　back。　I　resigned　my　mission…mailed　it　in　from　Escobar…and　everything　I　own　is　in　the　back　of　that　flyer　down　there。〃
　She　savored　the　delight　that　ignited　his　eyes　during　this　speech；　as　it　finally　penetrated　that　she　was　here　to　stay。　It　contented　her。
　〃I　would　get　up；〃　he　said；　sliding　to　the　side　of　his　chair；　〃but　for　some　reason　my　legs　go　first　and　my　tongue　last。　I'd　rather　fall　at　your　feet　in　some　more　controlled　fashion。　I'll　improve　shortly。　Meantime；　will　you　e　sit　here？〃
　〃Gladly。〃　She　changed　chairs。　〃But　won't　I　squash　you？　I'm　kind　of　tall。〃
　〃Not　a　bit。　I　loathe　tiny　women。　Ah；　that's　better。〃
　〃Yes。〃　She　nestled　down　with　him；　arms　around　his　chest；　resting　her　head　on　his　shoulder；　and　hooking　one　leg　over　him　as　well；　to　emphatically　plete　his　capture。　The　captive　emitted　something　between　a　sigh　and　a　laugh。　She　wished　they　might　sit　like　that　forever。
　〃You'll　have　to　give　up　this　suicide…by…alcohol　thing；　you　know。〃
　He　cocked　his　head。　〃I　thought　I　was　being　subtle。〃
　〃Not　noticeably。〃
　〃Well；　it　suits　me。　It's　extraordinarily　unfortable。〃
　〃Yes；　you've　worried　your　father。　He　gave　me　the　funniest　look。〃
　〃Not　his　glare；　I　hope。　He　has　a　very　withering　glare。　Perfected　over　a　lifetime。〃
　〃Not　at　all。　He　smiled。〃
　〃Good　God。〃　A　grin　crinkled　the　corners　of　his　eyes。
　She　laughed；　and　craned　her　neck　for　a　look　at　his　face。　That　was　better。。。
　〃I'll　shave；　too；〃　he　promised　in　a　burst　of　enthusiasm。
　〃Don't　go　overboard　on　my　account。　I　came　to　retire；　too。　A　separate　peace；　as　they　say。〃
　〃Peace；　indeed。〃　He　nuzzled　her　hair；　breathing　its　scent。　His　muscles　unwound　beneath　her　like　an　overtaut　bow　unstrung。
　A　f