adam bede(亚当[1].比德)-第128章
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although it was a newly bought book—Wesley’s abridgment of
Madame Guyon’s life； which was full of wonder and interest for
him。 Seth had said to Adam； “Can I help thee with anything in
here to…night？ I don’t want to make a noise in the shop。”
“No； lad；” Adam answered； “there’s nothing but what I must do
myself。 Thee’st got thy new book to read。”
And often； when Seth was quite unconscious； Adam； as he
paused after drawing a line with his ruler； looked at his brother
with a kind smile dawning in his eyes。 He knew “th’ lad liked to sit
full o’ thoughts he could give no account of； they’d never come t’
anything； but they made him happy；” and in the last year or so；
Adam had been getting more and more indulgent to Seth。 It was
part of that growing tenderness which came from the sorrow at
work within him。
For Adam； though you see him quite master of himself； working
hard and delighting in his work after his inborn inalienable
nature； had not outlived his sorrow—had not felt it slip from him
as a temporary burden； and leave him the same man again。 Do any
of us？ God forbid。 It would be a poor result of all our anguish and
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our wrestling if we won nothing but our old selves at the end of
it—if we could return to the same blind loves； the same self…
confident blame； the same light thoughts of human suffering； the
same frivolous gossip over blighted human lives； the same feeble
sense of that Unknown towards which we have sent forth
irrepressible cries in our loneliness。 Let us rather be thankful that
our sorrow lives in us as an indestructible force； only changing its
form； as forces do； and passing from pain into sympathy—the one
poor word which includes all our best insight and our best love。
Not that this transformation of pain into sympathy had completely
taken place in Adam yet。 There was still a great remnant of pain；
and this he felt would subsist as long as her pain was not a
memory； but an existing thing； which he must think of as renewed
with the light of every new morning。 But we get accustomed to
mental as well as bodily pain； without； for all that； losing our
sensibility to it。 It becomes a habit of our lives； and we cease to
imagine a condition of perfect ease as possible for us。 Desire is
chastened into submission； and we are contented with our day
when we have been able to bear our grief in silence and act as if
we were not suffering。 For it is at such periods that the sense of
our lives having visible and invisible relations； beyond any of
which either our present or prospective self is the centre； grows
like a muscle that we are obliged to lean on and exert。
That was Adam’s state of mind in this second autumn of his
sorrow。 His work； as you know； had always been part of his
religion； and from very early days he saw clearly that good
carpentry was God’s will—was that form of God’s will that most
immediately concerned him。 But now there was no margin of
dreams for him beyond this daylight reality； no holiday…time in the
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working…day world； no moment in the distance when duty would
take off her iron glove and breast…plate and clasp him gently into
rest。 He conceived no picture of the future but one made up of
hard…working days such as he lived through； with growing
contentment and intensity of interest； every fresh week。 Love； he
thought； could never be anything to him but a living memory—a
limb lopped off； but not gone from consciousness。 He did not know
that the power of loving was all the while gaining new force within
him； that the new sensibilities bought by a deep experience were
so many new fibres by which it was possible； nay； necessary to
him； that his nature should intertwine with another。 Yet he was
aware that common affection and friendship were more precious
to him than they used to be—that he clung more to his mother and
Seth； and had an unspeakable satisfaction in the sight or
imagination of any small addition to their happiness。 The Poysers；
too—hardly three or four days passed but he felt the need of
seeing them and interchanging words and looks of friendliness
with them。 He would have felt this； probably； even if Dinah had
not been with them； but he had only said the simplest truth in
telling Dinah that he put her above all other friends in the world。
Could anything be more natural？ For in the darkest moments of
memory the thought of her always came as the first ray of
returning comfort。 The early days of gloom at the Hall Farm had
been gradually turned into soft moonlight by her presence； and in
the cottage； too； for she had come at every spare moment to soothe
and cheer poor Lisbeth； who had been stricken with a fear that
subdued even her querulousness at the sight of her darling
Adam’s grief…worn face。 He had become used to watching her light
quiet movements； her pretty loving ways to the children； when he
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went to the Hall Farm； to listen for her voice as for a recurrent
music； to think everything she said and did was just right； and
could not have been better。 In spite of his wisdom； he could not
find fault with her for her overindulgence of the children； who had
managed to convert Dinah the preacher； before whom a circle of
rough men had often trembled a little； into a convenient
household slave—though Dinah herself was rather ashamed of
this weakness； and had some inward conflict as to her departure
from the precepts of Solomon。 Yes； there was one thing that might
have been better； she might have loved Seth and consented to
marry him。 He felt a little vexed； for his brother’s sake； and he
could not help thinking regretfully how Dinah； as Seth’s wife；
would have made their home as happy as it could be for them all—
how she was the one being that would have soothed their mother’s
last days into peacefulness and rest。
“It’s wonderful she doesn’t love th’ lad；” Adam had said
sometimes to himself； “for anybody ’ud think he was just cut out
for her。 But her heart’s so taken up with other things。 She’s one o’
those women that feel no drawing towards having a husband and
children o’ their own。 She thinks she should be filled up with her
own life then； and she’s been used so to living in other folks’s
cares； she can’t bear the thought of her heart being shut up from
’em。 I see how it is； well enough。 She’s cut out o’ different stuff
from most women： I saw that long ago。 She’s never easy but when
she’s helping somebody； and marriage ’ud interfere with her
ways—that’s true。 I’ve no right to be contriving and thinking it ’ud
be better if she’d have Seth； as if I was wiser than she is—or than
God either； for He made her what she is； and that’s one o’ the
greatest blessings I’ve ever had from His hands； and others
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besides me。”
This self…reproof had recurred strongly to Adam’s mind when
he gathered from Dinah’s face that he had wounded her by
referring to his wish that she had accepted Seth； and so he had
endeavoured to put into the strongest words his confidence in her
decision as right—his resignation even to her going away from
them and ceasing to make part of their life otherwise than by
living in their thoughts； if that separation were chosen by herself。
He felt sure she knew quite well enough how much he cared to see
her continually—to talk to her with the silent consciousness of a
mutual great remembrance。 It was not possible she should hear
anything but self…renouncing affection and respect in his
assurance that he was contented for her to go away； and yet there
remained an uneasy feeling in his mind that he had not said quite
the right thing—that； somehow； Dinah had not understood him。
Dinah must have risen a little before the sun the next morning；
for she was downstairs about five o’clock。 So was Seth； for；
through Lisbeth’s obstinate refusal to have any woman…helper in
the house； he had learned to make himself； as Adam said； “very
handy in the housework；” that he might save his mother from too
great weariness； on which ground I hope you will not think him
unmanly； any more than you can have thought the gallant Colonel
Bath unmanly when he made the gruel for his invalid sister。
Adam； who had sat up late at his writing； was still asleep； and was
not likely； Seth said； to be down till breakfast…time。 Often as Dinah
had visited Lisbeth during the last eighteen months； she had never
slept in the cottage since that night after Thias’s death； when； you
remembe
