adam bede(亚当[1].比德)-第56章
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Burge himself had ridden to the spot on horseback； to await its
arrival and direct the workmen。
This little walk was a rest to Adam； and he was unconsciously
under the charm of the moment。 It was summer morning in his
heart； and he saw Hetty in the sunshine—a sunshine without
glare； with slanting rays that tremble between the delicate
shadows of the leaves。 He thought； yesterday when he put out his
hand to her as they came out of church； that there was a touch of
melancholy kindness in her face； such as he had not seen before；
and he took it as a sign that she had some sympathy with his
family trouble。 Poor fellow！ That touch of melancholy came from
quite another source； but how was he to know？ We look at the one
little woman’s face we love as we look at the face of our mother
earth； and see all sorts of answers to our own yearnings。 It was
impossible for Adam not to feel that what had happened in the last
week had brought the prospect of marriage nearer to him。
Hitherto he had felt keenly the danger that some other man might
step in and get possession of Hetty’s heart and hand； while he
himself was still in a position that made him shrink from asking
her to accept him。 Even if he had had a strong hope that she was
fond of him—and his hope was far from being strong—he had
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been too heavily burdened with other claims to provide a home for
himself and Hetty—a home such as he could expect her to be
content with after the comfort and plenty of the Farm。 Like all
strong natures； Adam had confidence in his ability to achieve
something in the future； he felt sure he should some day； if he
lived； be able to maintain a family and make a good broad path for
himself； but he had too cool a head not to estimate to the full the
obstacles that were to be overcome。 And the time would be so
long！ And there was Hetty； like a bright…cheeked apple hanging
over the orchard wall； within sight of everybody； and everybody
must long for her！ To be sure； if she loved him very much； she
would be content to wait for him： but did she love him？ His hopes
had never risen so high that he had dared to ask her。 He was clear…
sighted enough to be aware that her uncle and aunt would have
looked kindly on his suit； and indeed； without this encouragement
he would never have persevered in going to the Farm； but it was
impossible to come to any but fluctuating conclusions about
Hetty’s feelings。 She was like a kitten； and had the same
distractingly pretty looks； that meant nothing； for everybody that
came near her。
But now he could not help saying to himself that the heaviest
part of his burden was removed； and that even before the end of
another year his circumstances might be brought into a shape that
would allow him to think of marrying。 It would always be a hard
struggle with his mother； he knew： she would be jealous of any
wife he might choose； and she had set her mind especially against
Hetty—perhaps for no other reason than that she suspected Hetty
to be the woman he had chosen。 It would never do； he feared； for
his mother to live in the same house with him when he was
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married； and yet how hard she would think it if he asked her to
leave him！ Yes； there was a great deal of pain to be gone through
with his mother； but it was a case in which he must make her feel
that his will was strong—it would be better for her in the end。 For
himself； he would have liked that they should all live together till
Seth was married； and they might have built a bit themselves to
the old house； and made more room。 He did not like “to part wi’
th’ lad”： they had hardly every been separated for more than a day
since they were born。
But Adam had no sooner caught his imagination leaping
forward in this way—making arrangements for an uncertain
future—than he checked himself。 “A pretty building I’m making；
without either bricks or timber。 I’m up i’ the garret a’ready； and
haven’t so much as dug the foundation。” Whenever Adam was
strongly convinced of any proposition； it took the form of a
principle in his mind： it was knowledge to be acted on； as much as
the knowledge that damp will cause rust。 Perhaps here lay the
secret of the hardness he had accused himself of： he had too little
fellow…feeling with the weakness that errs in spite of foreseen
consequences。 Without this fellow…feeling； how are we to get
enough patience and charity towards our stumbling； falling
companions in the long and changeful journey？ And there is but
one way in which a strong determined soul can learn it—by
getting his heart…strings bound round the weak and erring； so that
he must share not only the outward consequence of their error；
but their inward suffering。 That is a long and hard lesson； and
Adam had at present only learned the alphabet of it in his father’s
sudden death； which； by annihilating in an instant all that had
stimulated his indignation； had sent a sudden rush of thought and
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memory over what had claimed his pity and tenderness。
But it was Adam’s strength； not its correlative hardness； that
influenced his meditations this morning。 He had long made up his
mind that it would be wrong as well as foolish for him to marry a
blooming young girl； so long as he had no other prospect than that
of growing poverty with a growing family。 And his savings had
been so constantly drawn upon （besides the terrible sweep of
paying for Seth’s substitute in the militia） that he had not enough
money beforehand to furnish even a small cottage； and keep
something in reserve against a rainy day。 He had good hope that
he should be “firmer on his legs” by and by； but he could not be
satisfied with a vague confidence in his arm and brain； he must
have definite plans； and set about them at once。 The partnership
with Jonathan Burge was not to be thought of at present—there
were things implicitly tacked to it that he could not accept； but
Adam thought that he and Seth might carry on a little business for
themselves in addition to their journeyman’s work； by buying a
small stock of superior wood and making articles of household
furniture； for which Adam had no end of contrivances。 Seth might
gain more by working at separate jobs under Adam’s direction
than by his journeyman’s work； and Adam； in his over…hours；
could do all the “nice” work that required peculiar skill。 The
money gained in this way； with the good wages he received as
foreman； would soon enable them to get beforehand with the
world； so sparingly as they would all live now。 No sooner had this
little plan shaped itself in his mind than he began to be busy with
exact calculations about the wood to be bought and the particular
article of furniture that should be undertaken first—a kitchen
cupboard of his own contrivance； with such an ingenious
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arrangement of sliding…doors and bolts； such convenient nooks for
stowing household provender； and such a symmetrical result to
the eye； that every good housewife would be in raptures with it；
and fall through all the gradations of melancholy longing till her
husband promised to buy it for her。 Adam pictured to himself Mrs。
Poyser examining it with her keen eye and trying in vain to find
out a deficiency； and； of course； close to Mrs。 Poyser stood Hetty；
and Adam was again beguiled from calculations and contrivances
into dreams and hopes。 Yes； he would go and see her this
evening—it was so long since he had been at the Hall Farm。 He
would have liked to go to the night…school； to see why Bartle
Massey had not been at church yesterday； for he feared his old
friend was ill； but； unless he could manage both visits； this last
must be put off till to…morrow—the desire to be near Hetty and to
speak to her again was too strong。
As he made up his mind to this； he was coming very near to the
end of his walk； within the sound of the hammers at work on the
refitting of the old house。 The sound of tools to a clever workman
who loves his work is like the tentative sounds of the orchestra to
the violinist who has to bear his part in the overture： the strong
fibres begin their accustomed thrill； and what was a moment
before joy； vexation； or ambition； begins its change into energy。 All
passion becomes strength when it has an outlet from the narrow
limits of our personal lot in the labour of our right arm； the
cunning of our right hand； or the still； creative activity of our
thought。 Look at Adam through the rest of the day； as he stands on
the
