adam bede(亚当[1].比德)-第84章
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knew nothing of his secrets。 But Meg was quite as well acquainted
with her master’s mental state as many others of her sex with the
mental condition of the nice young gentlemen towards whom their
hearts are in a state of fluttering expectation。
Arthur cantered for five miles beyond the Chase； till he was at
the foot of a hill where there were no hedges or trees to hem in the
road。 Then he threw the bridle on Meg’s neck and prepared to
make up his mind。
Hetty knew that their meeting yesterday must be the last before
Arthur went away—there was no possibility of their contriving
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another without exciting suspicion—and she was like a frightened
child； unable to think of anything； only able to cry at the mention
of parting； and then put her face up to have the tears kissed away。
He could do nothing but comfort her； and lull her into dreaming
on。 A letter would be a dreadfully abrupt way of awakening her！
Yet there was truth in what Adam said—that it would save her
from a lengthened delusion； which might be worse than a sharp
immediate pain。 And it was the only way of satisfying Adam； who
must be satisfied； for more reasons than one。 If he could have seen
her again！ But that was impossible； there was such a thorny hedge
of hindrances between them； and an imprudence would be fatal。
And yet； if he could see her again； what good would it do？ Only
cause him to suffer more from the sight of her distress and the
remembrance of it。 Away from him she was surrounded by all the
motives to self…control。
A sudden dread here fell like a shadow across his imagination—
the dread lest she should do something violent in her grief； and
close upon that dread came another； which deepened the shadow。
But he shook them off with the force of youth and hope。 What was
the ground for painting the future in that dark way？ It was just as
likely to be the reverse。 Arthur told himself he did not deserve that
things should turn out badly。 He had never meant beforehand to
do anything his conscience disapproved； he had been led on by
circumstances。 There was a sort of implicit confidence in him that
he was really such a good fellow at bottom； Providence would not
treat him harshly。
At all events； he couldn’t help what would come now： all he
could do was to take what seemed the best course at the present
moment。 And he persuaded himself that that course was to make
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the way open between Adam and Hetty。 Her heart might really
turn to Adam； as he said； after a while； and in that case there
would have been no great harm done； since it was still Adam’s
ardent wish to make her his wife。 To be sure； Adam was
deceived—deceived in a way that Arthur would have resented as a
deep wrong if it had been practised on himself。 That was a
reflection that marred the consoling prospect。 Arthur’s cheeks
even burned in mingled shame and irritation at the thought。 But
what could a man do in such a dilemma？ He was bound in honour
to say no word that could injure Hetty： his first duty was to guard
her。 He would never have told or acted a lie on his own account。
Good God！ What a miserable fool he was to have brought himself
into such a dilemma； and yet； if ever a man had excuses； he had。
（Pity that consequences are determined not by excuses but by
actions！）
Well； the letter must be written； it was the only means that
promised a solution of the difficulty。 The tears came into Arthur’s
eyes as he thought of Hetty reading it； but it would be almost as
hard for him to write it； he was not doing anything easy to himself；
and this last thought helped him to arrive at a conclusion。 He
could never deliberately have taken a step which inflicted pain on
another and left himself at ease。 Even a movement of jealousy at
the thought of giving up Hetty to Adam went to convince him that
he was making a sacrifice。
When once he had come to this conclusion； he turned Meg
round and set off home again in a canter。 The letter should be
written the first thing； and the rest of the day would be filled up
with other business： he should have no time to look behind him。
Happily； Irwine and Gawaine were coming to dinner； and by
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twelve o’clock the next day he should have left the Chase miles
behind him。 There was some security in this constant occupation
against an uncontrollable impulse seizing him to rush to Hetty and
thrust into her hand some mad proposition that would undo
everything。 Faster and faster went the sensitive Meg； at every
slight sign from her rider； till the canter had passed into a swift
gallop。
“I thought they said th’ young mester war took ill last night；”
said sour old John； the groom； at dinner…time in the servants’ hall。
“He’s been ridin’ fit to split the mare i’ two this forenoon。”
“That’s happen one o’ the symptims； John；” said the facetious
coachman。
“Then I wish he war let blood for ’t； that’s all；” said John；
grimly。
Adam had been early at the Chase to know how Arthur was；
and had been relieved from all anxiety about the effects of his
blow by learning that he was gone out for a ride。 At five o’clock he
was punctually there again； and sent up word of his arrival。 In a
few minutes Pym came down with a letter in his hand and gave it
to Adam； saying that the captain was too busy to see him； and had
written everything he had to say。 The letter was directed to Adam；
but he went out of doors again before opening it。 It contained a
sealed enclosure directed to Hetty。 On the inside of the cover
Adam read：
“In the enclosed letter I have written everything you wish。 I
leave it to you to decide whether you will be doing best to deliver it
to Hetty or to return it to me。 Ask yourself once more whether you
are not taking a measure which may pain her more than mere
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silence。
“There is no need for our seeing each other again now。 We shall
meet with better feelings some months hence。
A。D。”
“Perhaps he’s i’ th’ right on ’t not to see me；” thought Adam。
“It’s no use meeting to say more hard words； and it’s no use
meeting to shake hands and say we’re friends again。 We’re not
friends； an’ it’s better not to pretend it。 I know forgiveness is a
man’s duty； but； to my thinking； that can only mean as you’re to
give up all thoughts o’ taking revenge： it can never mean as you’re
t’ have your old feelings back again； for that’s not possible。 He’s
not the same man to me； and I can’t feel the same towards him。
God help me！ I don’t know whether I feel the same towards
anybody： I seem as if I’d been measuring my work from a false
line； and had got it all to measure over again。”
But the question about delivering the letter to Hetty soon
absorbed Adam’s thoughts。 Arthur had procured some relief to
himself by throwing the decision on Adam with a warning； and
Adam； who was not given to hesitation； hesitated here。 He
determined to feel his way—to ascertain as well as he could what
was Hetty’s state of mind before he decided on delivering the
letter。
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Chapter XXX
The Delivery of the Letter
he next Sunday Adam joined the Poysers on their way out
of church； hoping for an invitation to go home with them。
T
He had the letter in his pocket； and was anxious to have an
opportunity of talking to Hetty alone。 He could not see her face at
church； for she had changed her seat； and when he came up to her
to shake hands； her manner was doubtful and constrained。 He
expected this； for it was the first time she had met him since she
had been aware that he had seen her with Arthur in the Grove。
“Come； you’ll go on with us； Adam；” Mr。 Poyser said when they
reached the turning； and as soon as they were in the fields Adam
ventured to offer his arm to Hetty。 The children soon gave them
an opportunity of lingering behind a little； and then Adam said：
“Will you contrive for me to walk out in the garden a bit with
you this evening； if it keeps fine； Hetty？ I’ve something partic’lar
to talk to you about。”
Hetty said； “Very well。” She was really as anxious as Adam was
that she should have some private talk with him。 She wondered
what he thought of her and Arthur。 He must have seen them
kissing； she knew； but she had no conception of the scene that had
taken place between Arthur and Adam。 Her first feeling had been
that Adam would be very angry with her； and perhaps would tell
her aunt and uncle
