adam bede(亚当[1].比德)-第98章
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apply closely to her circumstances。 She was too frightened to
speak。
“Hegh； hegh！” said the coachman； seeing that his joke was not
so gratifying as he had expected； “you munna take it too ser’ous； if
he’s behaved ill； get another。 Such a pretty lass as you can get a
sweetheart any day。”
Hetty’s fear was allayed by…and…by； when she found that the
coachman made no further allusion to her personal concerns； but
it still had the effect of preventing her from asking him what were
the places on the road to Windsor。 She told him she was only
going a little way out of Stoniton； and when she got down at the
inn where the coach stopped； she hastened away with her basket
to another part of the town。 When she had formed her plan of
going to Windsor； she had not foreseen any difficulties except that
of getting away； and after she had overcome this by proposing the
visit to Dinah； her thoughts flew to the meeting with Arthur and
the question how he would behave to her—not resting on any
probable incidents of the journey。 She was too entirely ignorant of
travelling to imagine any of its details； and with all her store of
money—her three guineas—in her pocket； she thought herself
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amply provided。 It was not until she found how much it cost her to
get to Stoniton that she began to be alarmed about the journey；
and then； for the first time； she felt her ignorance as to the places
that must be passed on her way。 Oppressed with this new alarm；
she walked along the grim Stoniton streets； and at last turned into
a shabby little inn； where she hoped to get a cheap lodging for the
night。 Here she asked the landlord if he could tell her what places
she must go to； to get to Windsor。
“Well； I can’t rightly say。 Windsor must be pretty nigh London；
for it’s where the king lives；” was the answer。 “Anyhow； you’d best
go t’ Ashby next—that’s south’ard。 But there’s as many places
from here to London as there’s houses in Stoniton； by what I can
make out。 I’ve never been no traveller myself。 But how comes a
lone young woman like you to be thinking o’ taking such a journey
as that？”
“I’m going to my brother—he’s a soldier at Windsor；” said
Hetty； frightened at the landlord’s questioning look。 “I can’t afford
to go by the coach； do you think there’s a cart goes toward Ashby
in the morning？”
“Yes； there may be carts if anybody knowed where they started
from； but you might run over the town before you found out。
You’d best set off and walk； and trust to summat overtaking you。”
Every word sank like lead on Hetty’s spirits； she saw the
journey stretch bit by bit before her now。 Even to get to Ashby
seemed a hard thing： it might take the day； for what she knew； and
that was nothing to the rest of the journey。 But it must be done—
she must get to Arthur。 Oh； how she yearned to be again with
somebody who would care for her！ She who had never got up in
the morning without the certainty of seeing familiar faces； people
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on whom she had an acknowledged claim； whose farthest journey
had been to Rosseter on the pillion with her uncle； whose thoughts
had always been taking holiday in dreams of pleasure； because all
the business of her life was managed for her—this kitten…like
Hetty； who till a few months ago had never felt any other grief
than that of envying Mary Burge a new ribbon； or being girded at
by her aunt for neglecting Totty； must now make her toilsome way
in loneliness； her peaceful home left behind for ever； and nothing
but a tremulous hope of distant refuge before her。 Now for the first
time； as she lay down to…night in the strange hard bed； she felt that
her home had been a happy one； that her uncle had been very
good to her； that her quiet lot at Hayslope among the things and
people she knew； with her little pride in her one best gown and
bonnet； and nothing to hide from any one； was what she would
like to wake up to as a reality； and find that all the feverish life she
had known besides was a short nightmare。 She thought of all she
had left behind with yearning regret for her own sake。 Her own
misery filled her heart—there was no room in it for other people’s
sorrow。 And yet； before the cruel letter； Arthur had been so tender
and loving。 The memory of that had still a charm for her； though it
was no more than a soothing draught that just made pain
bearable。 For Hetty could conceive no other existence for herself
in future than a hidden one； and a hidden life； even with love；
would have had no delights for her； still less a life mingled with
shame。 She knew no romances； and had only a feeble share in the
feelings which are the source of romance； so that well…read ladies
may find it difficult to understand her state of mind。 She was too
ignorant of everything beyond the simple notions and habits in
which she had been brought up to have any more definite idea of
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her probable future than that Arthur would take care of her
somehow； and shelter her from anger and scorn。 He would not
marry her and make her a lady； and apart from that she could
think of nothing he could give towards which she looked with
longing and ambition。
The next morning she rose early； and taking only some milk
and bread for her breakfast； set out to walk on the road towards
Ashby； under a leaden…coloured sky； with a narrowing streak of
yellow； like a departing hope； on the edge of the horizon。 Now in
her faintness of heart at the length and difficulty of her journey；
she was most of all afraid of spending her money； and becoming so
destitute that she would have to ask people’s charity； for Hetty had
the pride not only of a proud nature but of a proud class—the class
that pays the most poor…rates； and most shudders at the idea of
profiting by a poor…rate。 It had not yet occurred to her that she
might get money for her locket and earrings which she carried
with her； and she applied all her small arithmetic and knowledge
of prices to calculating how many meals and how many rides were
contained in her two guineas； and the odd shillings； which had a
melancholy look； as if they were the pale ashes of the other bright…
flaming coin。
For the first few miles out of Stoniton； she walked on bravely；
always fixing on some tree or gate or projecting bush at the most
distant visible point in the road as a goal； and feeling a faint joy
when she had reached it。 But when she came to the fourth
milestone； the first she had happened to notice among the long
grass by the roadside； and read that she was still only four miles
beyond Stoniton； her courage sank。 She had come only this little
way； and yet felt tired； and almost hungry again in the keen
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morning air； for though Hetty was accustomed to much movement
and exertion indoors； she was not used to long walks which
produced quite a different sort of fatigue from that of household
activity。 As she was looking at the milestone she felt some drops
falling on her face—it was beginning to rain。 Here was a new
trouble which had not entered into her sad thoughts before； and
quite weighed down by this sudden addition to her burden； she sat
down on the step of a stile and began to sob hysterically。 The
beginning of hardship is like the first taste of bitter food—it seems
for a moment unbearable； yet； if there is nothing else to satisfy our
hunger； we take another bite and find it possible to go on。 When
Hetty recovered from her burst of weeping； she rallied her fainting
courage： it was raining； and she must try to get on to a village
where she might find rest and shelter。 Presently； as she walked on
wearily； she heard the rumbling of heavy wheels behind her； a
covered waggon was coming； creeping slowly along with a
slouching driver cracking his whip beside the horses。 She waited
for it； thinking that if the waggoner were not a very sour…looking
man； she would ask him to take her up。 As the waggon approached
her； the driver had fallen behind； but there was something in the
front of the big vehicle which encouraged her。 At any previous
moment in her life she would not have noticed it； but now； the new
susceptibility that suffering had awakened in her caused this
object to impress her strongly。 It was only a small white…and…liver…
coloured spaniel which sat on the front ledge of the waggon； with
large timid eyes； and an incessant trembling in the body； such as
you may have seen in some of these small creatures。 Hetty cared
little for animals； as you know； but at this moment she felt as if the
helpless timid creature had some fellowship with her； and without
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being quite aware of the reason； she was less doubt
