the daisy chain, or aspirations-第116章

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hearts；〃　said　Dr。　May；　sighing。　　〃It　is　a　luxury　to　let　oneself　alone
to　be　sorrowful。〃

Ethel　did　not　know　whether　she　desired　a　tete…a…tete　with　Norman　or
not。　　She　was　aware　that　he　had　seen　Flora's　letter；　and　she　did　not
believe　that　he　would　ever　mention　the　hopes　that　must　have　been
dashed　by　it；　or；　if　he　should　do　so；　how　could　she　ever　guard　her
father's　secret？　　At　least；　she　had　the　comfort　of　recognising　the
accustomed　Norman　in　his　manner；　low…spirited；　indeed；　and　more　than
ever　dreamy　and　melancholy；　but　not　in　the　unnatural　and　excited
state　that　had　made　her　unhappy　about　him。　　She　could　not　help
telling　Dr。　Spencer　that　this　was　much　more　the　real　brother。

〃I　dare　say；〃　was　the　answer；　not　quite　satisfactory　in　tone。

〃I　thought　you　would　like　it　better。〃

〃Truth　is　better　than　fiction；　certainly。　　But　I　am　afraid　he　has　a
tendency　to　morbid　self…contemplation；　and　you　ought　to　shake　him　out
of　it。〃

〃What　is　the　difference　between　self…contemplation　and　self…
examination？〃

〃The　difference　between　your　brother　and　yourself。　　Ah！　you　think
that　no　answer。　　Will　you　have　a　medical　simile？　　Self…examination
notes　the　symptoms　and　combats　them；　self…contemplation　does　as　I　did
when　I　was　unstrung　by　that　illness　at　Poonshedagore；　and　was　always
feeling　my　own　pulse。　　It　dwells　on　them；　and　perpetually　deplores
itself。　　Oh；　dear！　this　is　no　betterwhat　a　wretch　I　am。　　It　is
always　studying　its　deformities　in　a　moral　looking…glass。〃

〃Yes；　I　think　poor　Norman　does　that；　but　I　thought　it　right　and
humble。〃

〃The　humility　of　a　self…conscious　mind。　　It　is　the　very　reverse　of
your　father；　who　is　the　most　really　humble　man　in　existence。〃

〃Do　you　call　self…consciousness　a　fault？〃

〃No。　　I　call　it　a　misfortune。　　In　the　vain；　it　leads　to　prudent
vanity；　in　the　good；　to　a　painful　effort　of　humility。〃

〃I　don't　think　I　quite　understand　what　it　is。〃

〃No；　and　you　have　so　much　of　your　father　in　you；　that　you　never　will。
But　take　care　of　your　brother；　and　don't　let　his　brains　work。〃

How　Ethel　was　to　take　care　of　him　she　did　not　know；　she　could　only
keep　a　heedful　eye　on　him；　and　rejoice　when　he　took　Tom　out　for　a
long　walka　companion　certainly　not　likely　to　promote　the　working　of
the　brainbut　though　it　was　in　the　opposite　direction　to　Cocksmoor；
Tom　came　home　desperately　cross；　snubbed　Gertrude；　and　fagged　Aubrey；
but；　then；　as　Blanche　observed；　perhaps　that　was　only　because　his
trousers　were　splashed。

In　her　next　solitary　walk　to　Cocksmoor；　Norman　joined　Ethel。　　She　was
gratified；　but　she　could　not　think　of　one　safe　word　worth　saying　to
him；　and　for　a　mile　they　preserved　an　absolute　silence；　until　he
first　began；　〃Ethel；　I　have　been　thinking〃

〃That　you　have！〃　said　she；　between　hope　and　dread；　and　the　thrill　of
being　again　treated　as　his　friend。

〃I　want　to　consult　you。　　Don't　you　think　now　that　Richard　is　settled
at　home；　and　if　Tom　will　study　medicine；　that　I　could　be　spared。〃

〃Spared！〃　exclaimed　Ethel。　　〃You　are　not　much　at　home。〃

〃I　meant　more　than　my　present　absences。　　It　is　my　earnest　wish〃　he
paused；　and　the　continuation　took　her　by　surprise。　　〃Do　you　think　it
would　give　my　father　too　much　pain　to　part　with　me　as　a　missionary　to
New　Zealand？〃

She　could　only　gaze　at　him　in　mute　amazement。

〃Do　you　think　he　could　bear　it？〃　said　Norman　hastily。

〃He　would　consent；〃　she　replied。　　〃Oh；　Norman；　it　is　the　most
glorious　thing　man　can　do！　　How　I　wish　I　could　go　with　you。〃

〃Your　mission　is　here；〃　said　Norman　affectionately。

〃I　know　it　isI　am　contented　with　it；〃　said　Ethel；　〃but　oh！　Norman；
after　all　our　talks　about　races　and　gifts；　you　have　found　the　more
excellent　way。〃

〃Hush！　　Charity　finds　room　at　home；　and　mine　are　not　such　unmixed
motives　as　yours。〃

She　made　a　sound　of　inquiry。

〃I　cannot　tell　you　all。　　Some　you　shall　hear。　　I　am　weary　of　this
feverish　life　of　competition　and　controversy〃

〃I　thought　you　were　so　happy　with　your　fellowship。　　I　thought　Oxford
was　your　delight。〃

〃She　will　always　be　nearer　my　heart　than　any　place；　save　this。　　It　is
not　her　fault　that　I　am　not　like　the　simple　and　dutiful；　who　are　not
fretted　or　perplexed。〃

〃Perplexed？〃　repeated　Ethel。

〃It　is　not　so　now；〃　he　replied。　　〃God　forbid！　　But　where　better　men
have　been　led　astray；　I　have　been　bewildered；　till；　Ethel；　I　have
felt　as　if　the　ground　were　slipping　from　beneath　my　feet；　and　I　have
only　been　able　to　hide　my　eyes；　and　entreat　that　I　might　know　the
truth。〃

〃You　knew　it！〃　said　Ethel；　looking　pale；　and　gazing　searchingly　at
him。

〃I　did；　I　do；　but　it　was　a　time　of　misery　when；　for　my　presumption；　I
suppose；　I　was　allowed　to　doubt　whether　it　were　the　truth。〃

Ethel　recoiled；　but　came　nearer；　saying；　very　low；　〃It　is　past。〃

〃Yes；　thank　Him　who　is　Truth。　　You　all　saved　me；　though　you　did　not
know　it。〃

〃When　was　this？〃　she　asked　timidly。

〃The　worst　time　was　before　the　Long　Vacation。　　They　told　me　I　ought
to　read　this　book　and　that。　　Harvey　Anderson　used　to　come　primed　with
arguments。　　I　could　always　overthrow　them；　but　when　I　came　to　glory
in　doing　so；　perhaps　I　prayed　less。　　Anyway；　they　left　a　sting。　　It
might　be　that　I　doubted　my　own　sincerity；　from　knowing　that　I　had　got
to　argue；　chiefly　because　I　liked　to　be　looked　on　as　a　champion。〃

Ethel　saw　the　truth　of　what　her　friend　had　said　of　the　morbid　habit
of　self…contemplation。

〃I　read；　and　I　mystified　myself。　　The　better　I　talked；　the　more　my
own　convictions　failed　me；　and；　by　the　time　you　came　up　to　Oxford；　I
knew　how　you　would　have　shrunk　from　him　who　was　your　pride；　if　you
could　have　seen　into　the　secrets　beneath。〃

Ethel　took　hold　of　his　hand。　　〃You　seemed　bright；〃　she　said。

〃It　melted　like　a　bad　dream　beforebefore　the　humming…bird；　and　with
my　father。　　It　was　weeks　ere　I　dared　to　face　the　subject　again。〃

〃How　could　you？　　Was　it　safe？〃

〃I　could　not　have　gone　on　as　I　was。　　Sometimes　the　sight　of　my
father；　or　the　mountains　and　lakes　in　Scotland；　ororthings　at　the
Grange；　would　bring　peace　back；　but　there　were　dark　hours；　and　I　knew
that　there　could　be　no　comfort　till　I　had　examined　and　fought　it
out。〃

〃I　suppose　examination　was　right；〃　said　Ethel；　〃for　a　man；　and
defender　of　the　faith。　　I　should　only　have　tried　to　pray　the　terrible
thought　away。　　But　I　can't　tell　how　it　feels。〃

〃Worse　than　you　have　power　to　imagine；〃　said　Norman；　shuddering。　　〃It
is　over　now。　　I　worked　out　their　fallacies；　and　went　over　the
reasoning　on　our　side。〃

〃And　prayed〃　said　Ethel。

〃Indeed　I　did；　and　the　confidence　returned；　firmer；　I　hope；　than
ever。　　It　had　never　gone　for　a　whole　day。〃

Ethel　breathed　freely。　　〃It　was　life　or　death；〃　she　said；　〃and　we
never　knew　it！〃

〃Perhaps　not；　but　I　know　your　prayers　were　angel…wings　ever　round　me。
And　far　more　than　argument；　was　the　thought　of　my　father's　heart…
whole　Christian　love　and　strength。〃

〃Norman；　you　believed；　all　the　time；　with　your　heart。　　This　was　only
a　bewilderment　of　your　intellect。〃

〃I　think　you　are　right；〃　said　Norman。　　〃To　me　the　doubt　was　cruel
agonynot　the　amusement　it　seems　to　some。〃

〃Because　our　dear　home　has　made　the　truth；　our　joy；　our　union；〃　said
Ethel。　　〃And　you　are　sure　the　cloud　is　gone；　and　for　ever？〃　she　still
asked　anxiously。

He　stood　still。　　〃For　ever；　I　trust；〃　he　said。　　〃I　hold　the　faith　of
my　childhood　in　all　its　fullness　as　surely　asas　ever　I　loved　my
mother　and　Harry。〃

〃I　know　you　do；〃　said　Ethel。　　〃It　was　only　a　bad　dream。〃

〃I　hope　I　may　be　forgiven　for　it；〃　said　Norman。　　〃I　do　not　know　how
far　it　was　sin。　　It　was　gone　so　far　as　that　my　mind　was　convinced
last　Christmas；　but　the　shame　and　sting　remained。　　I　was　not　at　peace
again　till　the　news　of　this　spring　came；　and　brought；　with　the　grief；
this　compensationthat　I　could　cast　behind　me　and　forget　the
criticisms　and　doubts　that　those　miserable　debates　had　connected　with
sacred　words。〃

〃You　will　be　the　sounder　for　having　fought　the　fight；〃　said　Ethel。

〃I　do　not　dread　the　like　shocks；〃　said　her　brother；　〃but　I　long　to
leave　this　world　of　argument　and　discussion。　　It　is　right　that　there
should　be　a　constant　defence　and　battle；　but　I　am　not　fit　for　it。　　I
argue　for　my　own　triumph；　and；　in　heat　and　harassing；　devotion　is
lost。　　Besides；　the　comparison　of　intellectual　power　has　been　my　bane
all　my　life。〃

〃I　thought　'praise　was　your　penance　here。'〃

〃I　would　fain　render　it　so；　butin　short；　I　must　be　away　from　it
all；　and　go　to　the　simplest；　hardest　work；　beginning　from　the
rudiments；　and　forgetting　subtle　arguments。〃

〃Forgetting　yourself；〃　said　Ethel。

〃Right。　　I　want　to　have　no　leisure　to　think　about　myself；〃　said
Norman。　　〃I　am　never　so　happy　as　at　such　times。〃

〃And　you　want　to　find　work　so　far　away？〃

〃I　cannot　help　feeling　drawn　towards　those　southern　seas。　　I　am　glad
you　can　give　me　good…speed。　　But　what　do　you　think　about　my　father？〃

Ethel　thought　and　thought。　　〃I　know　he　would　not　hinder　you；〃　she
repeated。

〃But　you　dread　the　pain　for　him？　　I　had　talked　to　Tom　about　taking
his　profession；　but　the　poor　boy　thinks　he　dislikes　it　greatly；
though；　I　believe；　his　real　taste　lies　that　way；　and　his　aversion
only　arises　a　few　grand　notions　he　has　picked　up；　out　of　which　I
could　soon　talk　him。〃

〃Tom　will　not　stand　in　your　place；〃　said　Ethel。

〃He　will　be　more　equable　and　more　to　be　depended　upon；〃　said　Norman。
〃None　of　you　appreciate　Tom。　　However；　you　must　hear　my　alternative。
If　you　think　my　going　would　be　too　much　grief　for　papa；　or　if　Tom　be
set　against　helping　him　in　his　practice；　there　is　an　evident　leading
of　Providence；　showing　that　I　am　unworthy　of　this　work。　　In　that　case
I　would　go　abroad　and　throw　myself；　at　once；　with　all　my　might；　into
the　study　of　medicine；　and　get　ready　to　give　my　father　some　rest。　　It
is　a　shame　that　all　his　sons　should　turn　away　from　his　profession。〃

〃I　am　more　than　ever　amazed！〃　cried　Ethel。　　〃I　thought　you　detested
it。　　I　thought　papa　never　wished　it　for　you。　　He　said　you　had　not
nerve。〃

〃He　was　always　full　of　the　tenderest　consideration　for　me；〃　said
Norman。　　〃With　Heaven　to　help　him；　a　man　may　have　nerve　for　whatever
is　his　duty。〃

〃How　he　would　like　to　have　you　to　watch　and　help。　　But　New　Zealand
would　be　so　glorious！〃

〃Glory　is　not　for　me；〃　said　Norman。　　〃Understand；　Ethel；　the　choice
is　New　Zealand；　or　going　at　onceat　once；　mindto　study　at
Edinburgh　or　Paris。〃

〃New　Zealand　at　once？〃　said　Ethel。

〃I　suppose　I　mast　stay　for　divinity　lectures；　but　my　intention　must
be　avowed；〃　said　Norman　hastily。　　〃And　now；　will　you　sound　my　father？
I　cannot。〃

〃I　can't　sound；〃　said　Ethel。　　〃I　can　only　do　things　point…blank。〃

〃Do　then；〃　said　Norman；　〃any　way　you　can！　　Only　let　me　know　which　is
best　for　him。　　You　get　all　the　disagreeable　things　to　do；　good　old
unready　one；〃　he　added　kindly。　　〃I　believe　you　are　the　one　who　would
be　shoved　in　front；　if　we　were　obliged　to　face　a　basilisk。〃

The　brightness　that　had　come　over　Norman；　when　he　had　discharged　his
cares　upon　her；　was　encouragement　enough　for　Ethel。　　She　only　asked
how　much　she　was　to　repeat　of　their　conversation。

〃Whatever　you　think　best。　　I　do　not　want　to　grieve　him；　but　he　must
not　think　it　fine　in　me。〃

Ethel　privately　tho