the daisy chain, or aspirations-第146章

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Tell　me　what　will　be　most　useful　to　you　at　Cocksmoor。〃

Sick　at　heart　as　she　was；　she　bravely　set　herself　to　appropriate　the
hours　now　left　vacant；　and　manfully　walked　with　Richard　and　Harry　to
church　at　Cocksmoor　on　St。　Stephen's　Day；　but　the　church　brought　back
the　sense　of　contrast。　　Next；　she　insisted　on　fulfilling　their
intention　of　coming　home　by　Abbotstoke　to　hear　how　Flora　was；　when
the　unfavourable　account　only　added　lead　to　the　burden　that　weighed
her　down。　　Though　they　were　sent　home　in　the　carriage；　she　was　so
completely　spent；　that　the　effect　of　returning　home　to　her　room；
without　its　dear　inhabitant；　was　quite　overwhelming；　and　she　sat　on
her　bed　for　half　an　hour；　struggling　with　repinings。　　She　came
downstairs　without　having　gained　the　victory；　and　was　so　physically
overcome　with　lassitude；　that　Richard　insisted　on　her　lying　on　the
sofa；　and　leaving　everything　to　him　and　Mary。

Richard　seemed　to　make　her　his　object　in　life；　and　was　an　unspeakable
help　and　comforter　to　her；　not　only　by　taking　every　care　for　her　for
her　sake；　but　by　turning　to　her　as　his　own　friend　and　confidante；　the
best　able　to　replace　what　they　had　lost。　　There　were　many　plans　to　be
put　in　operation　for　Cocksmoor；　on　which　much　consultation　was
needed；　though　every　word　reminded　them　sadly　of　Margaret's　ever
ready　interest　in　those　schemes。　　It　was　very　unlike　Ethel's　vision
of　the　first　weeks　of　St。　Andrew's　Church；　but　it　might　be　safer　for
her　than　that　aught　should　tempt　her　to　say；　〃See　what　my
perseverance　has　wrought！〃　　Perhaps　her　Margaret　had　begun　to　admire
her　too　much　to　be　her　safest　confidanteat　any　rate；　it　was　good
still　to　sow　in　tears；　rather　than　on　earth　to　reap　in　confident　joy。

Norman　was　as　brotherly　and　kind　as　possible；　but　it　was　one　of　the
dreary　feelings　of　those　days；　that　Ethel　then　first　became　aware　of
the　difference　that　his　engagement　had　made；　and　saw　that　he　resorted
elsewhere　for　sympathy。　　She　was　not　jealous；　and　acquiesced
submissively　and　resolutely；　but　they　had　been　so　much　to　each　other；
that　it　was　a　trial；　especially　at　such　a　time　as　this；　when　freshly
deprived　of　Margaret。

Norman's　own　prospect　was　not　cheerful。　　He　had　received　a　letter
from　New　Zealand；　begging　him　to　hasten　his　coming　out；　as　there　was
educational　work　much　wanting　him；　and；　according　to　his　original
wish；　he　could　be　ordained　there　in　the　autumnal　Ember　Week。

He　was　in　much　perplexity；　since；　according　to　this　request；　he　ought
to　sail　with　his　aunt　in　the　last　week　of　February；　and　he　knew　not
how　to　reconcile　the　conflicting　claims。

Meta　was　not　long　in　finding　out　the　whole　of　his　trouble；　as　they
paced　up　and　down　the　terrace　together　on　a　frosty　afternoon。

〃You　will　go！〃　was　her　first　exclamation。

〃I　ought；〃　said　Norman；　〃I　believe　I　ought；　and　if　it　had　only　been
at　any　other　time；　it　would　have　been　easy。　　My　aunt's　company　would
have　been　such　a　comfort　for　you。〃

〃It　cannot　be　helped；〃　said　Meta。

〃Considering　the　circumstances；〃　began　Norman；　with　lingering　looks
at　the　little　humming…bird　on　his　arm；　〃I　believe　I　should　be
justified　in　waiting　till　such　time　as　you　could　go　with　me。　　I　could
see　what　Mr。　Wilmot　thinks。〃

〃You　don't　think　so　yourself；〃　said　Meta。　　〃Nobody　else　can　give　a
judgment。　　In　a　thing　like　this；　asking　is；　what　you　once　called；
seeking　opinions　as　Balaam　inquired。〃

〃Turning　my　words　against　me？〃　said　Norman；　smiling。　　〃Still；　Meta；
perhaps　older　heads　would　be　fitter　to　judge　what　would　be　right　for
a　little　person　not　far　off。〃

〃She　can　be　the　best　judge　of　that　herself；〃　said　Meta。　　〃Norman；〃
and　her　dark　eyes　were　steadfastly　fixed；　〃I　always　resolved　that；
with　God's　help；　I　would　not　be　a　stumbling…block　in　the　way　of　your
call　to　your　work。　　I　will　not。　　Go　out　nowperhaps　you　will　be
freer　for　it　without　me；　and　I　suppose　I　have　a　longer　apprenticeship
to　serve　to　all　sorts　of　things　before　I　come　to　help　you。〃

〃Oh；　Meta；　you　are　a　rebuke　to　me！〃

〃What？　when　I　am　going　to　stay　by　my　own　fireside？〃　said　Meta；　trying
to　laugh；　but　not　very　successfully。　　〃Seriously；　I　have　much　to　do
here。　　When　poor　Flora　gets　well；　she　must　be　spared　all　exertion　for
a　long　time　to　come；　and　I　flatter　myself　that　they　want　me　at
Stoneborough　sometimes。　　If　your　father　can　bear　to　spare　you；　there
is　no　doubt　that　you　ought　to　go。〃

〃My　father　is　as　unselfish　as　you　are；　Meta。　　But　I　cannot　speak　to
him　until　he　is　more　easy　about　Flora。　　We　always　think　the　required
sacrifice　the　hardest；　but　I　must　own　that　I　could　not　grieve　if　he
laid　his　commands　on　me　to　wait　till　the　autumn。〃

〃Oh；　that　would　make　it　a　duty　and　all　easy；〃　said　Meta；　smiling；
〃but　I　don't　think　he　will；　and　Aunt　Flora　will　be　only　too　glad　to
carry　you　out　without　encumbrance。〃

〃Has　not　Aunt　Flora　come　to　her　senses　about　you？〃

〃I　believe　she　would　rather　I　belonged　to　any　of　her　nephews　but　you。
She　is　such　a　dear；　sincere；　kind…hearted　person；　and　we　are　so
comfortable　together；　that　it　will　be　quite　like　home　to　come　out　to
her！　　I　mean　there；　to　convince　her　that　I　can　be　of　something　like
use。〃

Meta　talked　so　as　to　brighten　and　invigorate　Norman　when　they　were
together；　but　they　both　grew　low…spirited　when　apart。　　The　humming…
bird　had　hardly　ever　been　so　downcast　as　at　presentthat　is；
whenever　she　was　not　engaged　in　waiting　on　her　brother；　or　in
cheering　up　Dr。　May；　or　in　any　of　the　many　gentle　offices　that　she
was　ever　fulfilling。　　She　was　greatly　disappointed；　and　full　of　fears
for　Norman；　and　dread　of　the　separation；　but　she　would　not　give　way；
and　only　now　and　then；　when　off　her　guard；　would　the　sadness　reign　on
her　face　without　an　effort。　　Alone；　she　fought　and　prayed　for
resignation　for　herself；　and　protection　and　strength　for　him；　and
chid　herself　for　the　foolish　feeling　that　he　would　be　safer　with　her。

She　told　Aunt　Flora　how　it　was　one　evening；　as　they　sat　over　the　fire
together；　speaking　with　a　would…be　tone　of　congratulation。

〃Indeed！〃　exclaimed　Mrs。　Arnott。　　〃But　that　is　a　great　pity！〃

Meta　looked　quite　brightened　by　her　saying　so。　　〃I　thought　you　would
be　glad；〃　she　rejoined。

〃Did　you　think　me　so　hard…hearted？〃

〃I　thought　you　believed　he　would　be　better　without　me。〃

〃My　dear；　we　have　not　kept　house　and　nursed　together　for　a　month　for
nothing；〃　said　Mrs。　Arnott；　smiling。

〃Thank　you；〃　said　Meta；　trying　to　answer　the　smile。　　〃You　have　taken
a　load　off　me！〃

〃I　don't　like　it　at　all；〃　said　Mrs。　Arnott。　　〃It　is　a　very
uncomfortable　plan　for　every　one。　　And　yet　when　I　know　how　great　is
the　want　of　him　out　there；　I　can　say　nothing　against　it　without　high
treason。　　Well；　my　dear；　I'll　take　all　the　care　I　can　of　Norman；　and
when　you　come；　I　shall　be　almost　as　glad　as　if　we　were　coming　home
for　good。　　Poor　Flora！　she　is　one　person　who　will　not　regret　the
arrangement。〃

〃Poor　Flora！you　think　her　really　better　this　evening？〃

〃Much　better；　indeed；　if　we　could　only　raise　her　spirits；　I　think　she
would　recover　very　well；　but　she　is　so　sadly　depressed。　　I　must　try
to　talk　to　Ethelshe　may　better　understand　her。〃

〃I　have　never　understood　Flora；〃　said　Meta。　　〃She　has　been　as　kind　to
me　as　possible；　and　I　very　soon　came　to　a　certain　point　with　her；　but
I　never　have　known　her　thoroughly。　　I　doubt　whether　any　one　did　but
dear　Margaret。〃

Flora　was；　however；　much　softened　and　less　reserved　than　she　had
been。　　She　found　great　repose　in　her　aunt's　attendance；　retracing；　as
it　did；　her　mother's　presence；　and　she　responded　to　her　tenderness
with　increasing　reliance　and　comfort；　while　as　her　strength　began　to
revive；　and　there　was　more　disposition　to　talk；　she　became　gradually
drawn　into　greater　confidence。

The　seeing　of　Ethel　was　one　of　the　difficult　questions。　　Flora　had
begun　to　wish　it　very　much；　and　yet　the　bare　idea　threw　her　into　a
nervous　tremor；　that　caused　it　to　be　put　off　again　and　again。　　Her
aunt　found　her　one　day　almost　faint　with　agitationshe　had　heard
Ethel's　voice　in　the　next　room；　and　had　been　winding　up　her
expectations；　and　now　was　as　much　grieved　as　relieved；　to　find　that
she　had　been　there　seeing　the　baby；　but　was　now　gone。

〃How　does　the　dear　Ethel　look？〃　asked　Flora　presently。

〃She　is　looking　better　to…day；　she　has　looked　very　worn　and　harassed；
but　I　thought　her　brighter　to…day。　　She　walked　over　by　Aubrey　on　his
pony；　and　I　think　it　did　her　good。〃

〃Dear　old　Ethel！　　Aunt；　it　is　a　thing　that　no　one　has　told　me　yet。
Can　you　tell　me　how　she　bore　the　news　of　Norman　Ogilvie's
engagement？〃

〃Do　you　mean〃　and　Mrs。　Arnott　stopped　short　in　her　interrogation。

〃Yes；〃　said　Flora；　answering　the　pause。

〃But　I　thought　young　Ogilvie　a　most　unexceptionable　person。〃

〃So　he　is；〃　said　Flora。　　〃I　was　much　annoyed　at　the　time；　but　she　was
resolute。〃

〃In　rejecting　him？〃

〃In　running　away　as　soon　as　she　found　what　was　likely　to　happen；〃　and
Flora；　in　a　few　words；　told　what　had　passed　at　Oxford。

〃Then　it　was　entirely　out　of　devotion　to　your　father？〃

〃Entirely；〃　said　Flora。　　〃No　one　could　look　at　her　without　seeing
that　she　liked　him。　　I　had　left　her　to　be　the　only　effective　one　at
home；　and　she　sacrificed　herself。〃

〃I　am　glad　that　I　have　seen　her；〃　said　Mrs。　Arnott。　　〃I　should　never
have　understood　her　by　description。　　I　always　said　that　I　must　come
home　to　set　my　correspondence　going　rightly。〃

〃Aunt　Flora；〃　said　her　niece；　〃do　you　remember　my　dear　mother's
unfinished　letter　to　you？〃

〃To　be　sure　I　do；　my　dear。〃

〃Nothing　ever　was　more　true；〃　said　Flora。　　〃I　read　it　over　some
little　time　ago；　when　I　set　my　papers　in　order；　and　understood　it
then。　　I　never　did　before。　　I　used　to　think　it　very　good　for　the
others。〃

〃It　is　what　one　generally　does　with　good　advice。〃

〃Do　you　recollect　the　comparison　between　Norman；　Ethel；　and　me？　　It
is　so　curious。　Norman；　who　was　ambitious　and　loved　praise；　but　now
dreads　nothing　so　much；　Ethel；　who　never　cared　for　anything　of　the
kind；　but　went　straight　on　her　own　brave　way；　and　oh！　Aunt　Florame…
…〃

〃Indeed；　my　dear；　I　should　have　thought　you　had　her　most　full
approbation。〃

〃Ah！　don't　you　see　the　tone；　as　if　she　were　not　fully　satisfied；　as
if　she　only　could　not　see　surface　faults　in　me；〃　said　Flora；　〃and　how
she　said　she　dreaded　my　love　of　praise；　and　of　being　liked。　　I　wonder
how　it　would　have　been　if　she　had　lived。　　I　have　looked　back　so　often
in　the　past　year；　and　I　think　the　hollowness　began　from　that　time。
It　might　have　been　there　before；　but　I　am　not　so　sure。　　You　see；　at
that　dreadful　time；　after　the　accident；　I　was　the　eldest　who　was　able
to　be　efficient；　and　much　more　useful　than　poor　Ethel。　　I　think　the
credit　I　gained　made　me　think　myself　perfection；　and　I　never　did
anything　afterwards　but　seek　my　own　honour。〃

Mrs。　Arnott　began　better　to　understand　Flora's　continued　depression；
but　she　thought　her　self…reproach　exaggerated；　and　said　something　at
once　soothing　and　calculated　to　encourage　her　to　undraw　the　curtain
of　reserve。

〃You　do　not　know；〃　continued　Flora；　〃how　greedy　I　was　of　credit　and
affection。　　It　made　me　jealous　of　Ethel　herself；　as　long　as　we　were
in　the　same　sphere；　and　when　I　felt　that　she　was　more　to　papa　than　I
could　be；　I　looked