the daisy chain, or aspirations-第27章

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came　to　the　bottom　of　the　valley；　where　a　stream　rushed　along；
coloured　with　a　turbid　creamy　yellow；　making　little　whirlpools　where
it　crossed　the　road；　and　brawling　loudly　just　above　where　it　roared
and　foamed　between　two　steep　banks　of　rock；　crossed　by　a　foot…bridge
of　planks；　guarded　by　a　handrail　of　rough　poles。　　The　doctor　had
traversed　it；　and　gone　a　few　paces　beyond；　when；　looking　back；　he　saw
Norman　very　pale；　with　one　foot　on　the　plank；　and　one　hand　grasping
the　rail。　　He　came　back；　and　held　out　his　hand；　which　Norman　gladly
caught　at；　but　no　sooner　was　the　other　side　attained；　than　the　boy；
though　he　gasped　with　relief；　exclaimed；　〃This　is　too　bad！　　Wait　one
moment；　please；　and　let　me　go　back。〃

He　tried；　but　the　first　touch　of　the　shaking　rail；　and　glance　at　the
chasm；　disconcerted　him；　and　his　father；　seeing　his　white　cheeks　and
rigid　lips；　said；　〃Stop；　Norman；　don't　try　it。　　You　are　not　fit；〃　he
added；　as　the　boy　came　to　him　reluctantly。

〃I　can't　bear　to　be　such　a　wretch！〃　said　he。　　〃I　never　used　to　be。
I　will　notlet　me　conquer　it；〃　and　he　was　turning　back；　but　the
doctor　took　his　arm；　saying　decidedly；　〃No；　I　won't　have　it　done。
You　are　only　making　it　worse　by　putting　a　force　on　yourself。〃　　But
the　farther　Norman　was　from　the　bridge；　the　more　displeased　he　was
with　himself；　and　more　anxious　to　dare　it　again。　　〃There's　no　bearing
it；〃　he　muttered；　〃let　me　only　run　back。　　I'll　overtake　you。　　I　must
do　it　if　no　one　looks　on。〃

〃No　such　thing；〃　said　the　doctor；　holding　him　fast。　　〃If　you　do；
you'll　have　it　all　over　again　at　night。〃

〃That's　better　than　to　know　I　am　worse　than　Tom。〃

〃I　tell　you；　Norman；　it　is　no　such　thing。　　You　will　recover　your　tone
if　you　will　only　do　as　you　are　told；　but　your　nerves　have　had　a
severe　shock；　and　when　you　force　yourself　in　this　way；　you　only
increase　the　mischief。〃

〃Nerves；〃　muttered　Norman　disdainfully。　〃I　thought　they　were　only　fit
for　fine　ladies。〃

Dr。　May　smiled。　　〃Well；　will　it　content　you　if　I　promise　that　as　soon
as　I　see　fit；　I'll　bring　you　here；　and　let　you　march　over　that　bridge
as　often　as　you　like？〃

〃I　suppose　I　must　be　contented；　but　I　don't　like　to　feel　like　a
fool。〃

〃You　need　not；　while　the　moral　determination　is　sound。〃

〃But　my　Greek；　papa。〃

〃At　it　againI　declare；　Norman；　you　are　the　worst　patient　I　ever
had！〃

Norman　made　no　answer；　and　Dr。　May　presently　said；　〃Well；　let　me　hear
what　you　have　to　say　about　it。　　I　assure　you　it　is　not　that　I　don't
want　you　to　get　on；　but　that　I　see　you　are　in　great　need　of　rest。〃

〃Thank　you；　papa。　　I　know　you　mean　it　for　my　good；　but　I　don't　think
you　do　know　how　horrid　it　is。　　I　have　got　nothing　on　earth　to　do　or
care　forthe　school　work　comes　quite　easy　to　me；　and　I'm　sure
thinking　is　worse；　and　then〃Norman　spoke　vehemently〃now　they　have
put　me　up；　it　will　never　do　to　be　beaten；　and　all　the　four　others
ought　to　be　able　to　do　it。　　I　did　not　want　or　expect　to　be　dux；　but
now　I　am；　you　could　not　bear　me　not　to　keep　my　place；　and　to　miss　the
Randall　scholarship；　as　I　certainly　shall；　if　I　do　not　work　these
whole　holidays。〃

〃Norman；　I　know　it；〃　said　his　father　kindly。　　〃I　am　very　sorry　for
you；　and　I　know　I　am　asking　of　you　what　I　could　not　have　done　at　your
ageindeed；　I　don't　believe　I　could　have　done　it　for　you　a　few
months　ago。　　It　is　my　fault　that　you　have　been　let　alone；　to　have　an
overstrain　and　pressure　on　your　mind；　when　you　were　not　fit　for　it；
and　I　cannot　see　any　remedy　but　complete　freedom　from　work。　　At　the
same　time；　if　you　fret　and　harass　yourself　about　being　surpassed；
that　is；　as　you　say；　much　worse　for　you　than　Latin　and　Greek。
Perhaps　I　may　be　wrong；　and　study　might　not　do　you　the　harm　I　think
it　would；　at　any　rate；　it　is　better　than　tormenting　yourself　about
next　half　year；　so　I　will　not　positively　forbid　it；　but　I　think　you
had　much　better　let　it　alone。　　I　don't　want　to　make　it　a　matter　of
duty。　　I　only　tell　you　this；　that　you　may　set　your　mind　at　rest　as
far　as　I　am　concerned。　　If　you　do　lose　your　place；　I　will　consider　it
as　my　own　doing；　and　not　be　disappointed。　　I　had　rather　see　you　a
healthy；　vigorous；　useful　man；　than　a　poor　puling　nervous　wretch　of　a
scholar；　if　you　were　to　get　all　the　prizes　in　the　university。〃

Norman　made　a　little　murmuring　sound　of　assent；　and　both　were　silent
for　some　moments；　then　he　said；　〃Then　you　will　not　be　displeased；
papa；　if　I　do　read；　as　long　as　I　feel　it　does　me　no　harm。〃

〃I　told　you　I　don't　mean　to　make　it　a　matter　of　obedience。　　Do　as　you
pleaseI　had　rather　you　read　than　vexed　yourself。〃

〃I　am　glad　of　it。　　Thank　you；　papa；〃　said　Norman；　in　a　much　cheered
voice。

They　had；　in　the　meantime；　been　mounting　a　rising　ground；　clothed
with　stunted　wood；　and　came　out　on　a　wide　heath；　brown　with　dead
bracken；　a　hollow；　traced　by　the　tops　of　leafless　trees；　marked　the
course　of　the　stream　that　traversed　it；　and　the　inequalities　of
ground　becoming　more　rugged　in　outlines　and　grayer　in　colouring　as
they　receded；　till　they　were　closed　by　a　dark　fir　wood；　beyond　which
rose　in　extreme　distance　the　grand　mass　of　Welsh　mountain　heads；
purpled　against　the　evening　sky；　except　where　the　crowning　peaks　bore
a　veil　of　snow。　　Behind；　the　sky　was　pure　gold；　gradually　shading
into　pale　green；　and　then　into　clear　light　wintry　blue；　while　the　sun
sitting　behind　two　of　the　loftiest；　seemed　to　confound　their
outlines；　and　blend　them　in　one　flood　of　soft　hazy　brightness。　　Dr。
May　looked　at　his　son；　and　saw　his　face　clear　up；　his　brow　expand；
and　his　lips　unclose　with　admiration。

〃Yes；〃　said　the　doctor；　〃it　is　very　fine；　is　it　not？　　I　used　to　bring
mamma　here　now　and　then　for　a　treat；　because　it　put　her　in　mind　of
her　Scottish　hills。　　Well；　your's　are　the　golden　hills　of　heaven；
now；　my　Maggie！〃　he　added；　hardly　knowing　that　he　spoke　aloud。
Norman's　throat　swelled；　as　he　looked　up　in　his　face；　then　cast　down
his　eyes　hastily　to　hide　the　tears　that　had　gathered　on　his
eyelashes。

〃I'll　leave　you　here；〃　said　Dr。　May；　〃I　have　to　go　to　a　farmhouse
close　by；　in　the　hollow　behind　us；　there's　a　girl　recovering　from　a
fever。　　I'll　not　be　ten　minutes；　so　wait　here。〃

When　he　came　back；　Norman　was　still　where　he　had　left　him；　gazing
earnestly；　and　the　tears　standing　on　his　cheeks。　　He　did　not　move
till　his　father　laid　his　hand　on　his　shoulderthey　walked　away
together　without　a　word；　and　scarcely　spoke　all　the　way　home。

Dr。　May　went　to　Margaret　and　talked　to　her　of　Norman's　fine
character；　and　intense　affection　for　his　mother；　the　determined
temper；　and　quietly　borne　grief；　for　which　the　doctor　seemed　to　have
worked　himself　into　a　perfect　enthusiasm　of　admiration；　but　lamenting
that　he　could　not　tell　what　to　do　with　himstudy　or　no　study　hurt
him　alikeand　he　dreaded　to　see　health　and　spirits　shattered　for
ever。　　They　tried　to　devise　change　of　scene；　but　it　did　not　seem
possible　just　at　present；　and　Margaret；　besides　her　fears　for　Norman；
was　much　grieved　to　see　this　added　to　her　father's　troubles。

At　night　Dr。　May　again　went　up　to　see　whether　Norman；　whom　he　had
moved　into　Margaret's　former　room；　were　again　suffering　from　fever。
He　found　him　asleep　in　a　restless　attitude；　as　if　he　had　just　dropped
off；　and　waking　almost　at　the　instant　of　his　entrance；　he　exclaimed；
〃Is　it　you？　　I　thought　it　was　mamma。　　She　said　it　was　all　ambition。〃

Then　starting；　and　looking　round　the　room；　and　at　his　father；　he
collected　himself；　and　said；　with　a　slight　smile；　〃I　didn't　know　I
had　been　asleep。　　I　was　awake　just　now；　thinking　about　it。　　Papa；
I'll　give　it　up。　　I'll　try　to　put　next　half　out　of　my　head；　and　not
mind　if　they　do　pass　me。〃

〃That's　right；　my　boy；〃　said　the　doctor。

〃At　least　if　Cheviot　and　Forder　do；　for　they　ought。　　I　only　hope
Anderson　won't。　　I　can　stand　anything　but　that。　　But　that　is　nonsense
too。〃

〃You　are　quite　right；　Norman；〃　said　the　doctor；　〃and　it　is　a　great
relief　to　me　that　you　see　the　thing　so　sensibly。〃

〃No；　I　don't　see　it　sensibly　at　all；　papa。　　I　hate　it　all　the　time；
and　I　don't　know　whether　I　can　keep　from　thinking　of　it；　when　I　have
nothing　to　do；　but　I　see　it　is　wrong；　I　thought　all　ambition　and
nonsense　was　gone　out　of　me；　when　I　cared　so　little　for　the
examination；　but　now　I　see；　though　I　did　not　want　to　be　made　first；　I
can't　bear　not　to　be　first；　and　that's　the　old　story；　just　as　she
used　to　tell　me　to　guard　against　ambition。　　So　I'll　take　my　chance；
and　if　I　should　get　put　down；　why；　'twas　not　fair　that　I　should　be
put　up；　and　it　is　what　I　ought　to　be；　and　serves　me　right　into　the
bargain〃

〃Well；　that's　the　best　sort　of　sense；　your　mother's　sense；〃　said　the
doctor；　more　affected　than　he　liked　to　show。　　〃No　wonder　she　came　to
you　in　your　dream；　Norman；　my　boy；　if　you　had　come　to　such　a
resolution。　　I　was　half　in　hopes　you　had　some　such　notion　when　I　came
upon　you；　on　Far…view　down。〃

〃I　think　that　sky　did　it；〃　said　Norman；　in　a　low　voice；　〃it　made　me
think　of　her　in　a　different　wayand　what　you　said　too。〃

〃What　did　I　say？　　I　don't　remember。〃

But　Norman　could　not　repeat　the　words；　and　only　murmured；　〃Golden
hills。〃　　It　was　enough。

〃I　see；〃　said　the　doctor；　〃you　had　dwelt　on　the　blank　here；　not　taken
home　what　it　is　to　her。〃

〃Ay；〃　almost　sobbed　Norman；　〃I　never　could　beforethat　made　me；〃
after　a　long　silence；　〃and　then　I　know　how　foolish　I　was；　and　how　she
would　say　it　was　wrong　to　make　this　fuss；　when　you　did　not　like　it；
about　my　place；　and　that　it　was　not　for　the　sake　of　my　duty；　but　of
ambition。　　I　knew　that；　but　till　I　went　to　bed　to…night；　I　could　not
tell　whether　I　could　make　up　my　mind；　so　I　would　say　nothing。




CHAPTER　XIII。



The　days　are　sad；　it　is　the　Holy　tide；
When　flowers　have　ceased　to　blow　and　birds　to　sing。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　F。　TENNYSON。


It　had　been　a　hard　struggle　to　give　up　all　thoughts　of　study；　and
Norman　was　not　at　first　rewarded　for　it；　but　rather　exemplified　the
truth　of　his　own　assertion；　that　he　was　worse　without　it；　for　when
this　sole　occupation　for　his　mind　was　taken　away；　he　drooped　still
more。　　He　would　willingly　have　shown　his　father　that　he　was　not
discontented；　but　he　was　too　entirely　unnerved　to　be　either　cheerful
or　capable　of　entering　with　interest　into　any　occupation。　　If　he　had
been　positively　ill；　the　task　would　have　been　easier；　but　the　low
intermittent　fever　that　hung　about　him　did　not　confine　him　to　bed；
only　kept　him　lounging；　listless　and　forlorn；　through　the　weary　day；
not　always　able　to　go　out　with　his　father；　and　on　Christmas　Day　unfit
even　for　church。

All　this　made　the　want　of　his　mother；　and　the　vacancy　in　his　home；
still　more　evident；　and　nothing　was　capable　of　relieving　his　sadness
but　his　father's　kindness；　which　was　a　continual　surprise　to　him。
Dr。　May　was　a　parent　who　could　not　fail　to　be　loved　and　honoured；
but；　as　a　busy　man；　trusting　all　at　home　to　his　wife；　he　had　only
appeared　to　his　children　either　as　a　merry　playfellow；　or　as　a　stern
paternal　authority；　not　often　in　the　intermediate　light　of　guiding
friend；　or　gentle　guardian；　and　it　affected　Norman　exceedingly　to
find　himself；　a　tall　schoolboy；　watched　and　soothed　with　motherly
tenderness　and　affection；　with　complete　comprehension　of　hi