miss billy-第21章

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she；　and　only　she；　had　thus　won　the　regard　of　a　professional　woman…
hater。　　Then；　besides　all　this；　there　was　his　musichis　glorious
music。　　Think　of　the　bliss　of　living　ever　with　that！　　Imagine　life
with　a　man　whose　soul　would　be　so　perfectly　attuned　to　hers　that
existence　would　be　one　grand　harmony！　　Ah；　that；　truly；　would　be
the　ideal　marriage！　　But　she　had　planned　not　to　marry。　　Billy
frowned　now；　and　tapped　her　foot　nervously。　　It　was；　indeed；　most
puzzlingthis　question；　and　she　did　not　want　to　make　a　mistake。
Then；　too；　she　did　not　wish　to　wound　Cyril。　　If　the　dear　man　HAD
come　out　of　his　icy　prison；　and　were　reaching　out　timid　hands　to
her　for　her　help；　her　interest；　her　lovethe　tragedy　of　it；　if
he　met　with　no　response！　。　。　。　。　　This　vision　of　Cyril　with
outstretched　hands；　and　of　herself　with　cold；　averted　eyes　was　the
last　straw　in　the　balance　with　Billy。　　She　decided　suddenly　that
she　did　care　for　Cyrila　little；　and　that　she　probably　could　care
for　him　a　great　deal。　　With　this　thought；　Billy　blushedalready　in
her　own　mind　she　was　as　good　as　pledged　to　Cyril。

It　was　a　great　change　for　Billythis　sudden　leap　from　girlhood　and
irresponsibility　to　womanhood　and　care；　but　she　took　it　fearlessly；
resolutely。　　If　she　was　to　be　Cyril's　wife　she　must　make　herself
fit　for　itand　in　pursuance　of　this　high　ideal　she　followed　Marie
into　the　kitchen　the　very　next　time　the　little　music　teacher　went
out　to　make　one　of　her　dainty　desserts　that　the　family　liked　so
well。

〃I'll　just　watch；　if　you　don't　mind；〃　announced　Billy。

〃Why；　of　course　not；〃　smiled　Marie；　〃but　I　thought　you　didn't　like
to　make　puddings。〃

〃I　don't；〃　owned　Billy；　cheerfully。

〃Then　why　thiswatchfulness？〃

〃Nothing；　only　I　thought　it　might　be　just　as　well　if　I　knew　how　to
make　them。　　You　know　how　Cyrilthat　is；　ALL　the　Henshaw　boys　like
every　kind　you　make。〃

The　egg　in　Marie's　hand　slipped　from　her　fingers　and　crashed
untidily　on　the　shelf。　　With　a　gleeful　laugh　Billy　welcomed　the
diversion。　　She　had　not　meant　to　speak　so　plainly。　　It　was　one
thing　to　try　to　fit　herself　to　be　Cyril's　wife；　and　quite　another
to　display　those　efforts　so　openly　before　the　world。

The　pudding　was　made　at　last；　but　Marie　proved　to　be　a　nervous
teacher。　　Her　hand　shook；　and　her　memory　almost　failed　her　at　one
or　two　critical　points。　　Billy　laughingly　said　that　it　must　be
stage　fright；　owing　to　the　presence　of　herself　as　spectator；　and
with　this　Marie　promptly；　and　somewhat　effusively；　agreed。

So　very　busy　was　Billy　during　the　next　few　days；　acquiring　her　new
domesticity；　that　she　did　not　notice　how　little　she　was　seeing　of
Cyril。　　Then　she　suddenly　realized　it；　and　asked　herself　the　reason
for　it。　　Cyril　was　at　the　house　certainly；　just　as　frequently　as　he
had　been；　but　she　saw　that　a　new　shyness　in　herself　had　developed
which　was　causing　her　to　be　restless　in　his　presence；　and　was
leading　her　to　like　better　to　have　Marie　or　Aunt　Hannah　in　the　room
when　he　called。　　She　discovered；　too；　that　she　welcomed　William；
and　even　Bertram；　with　peculiar　enthusiasmif　they　happened　to
interrupt　a　tete…a…tete　with　Cyril。

Billy　was　disturbed　at　this。　　She　told　herself　that　this　shyness
was　not　strange；　perhaps；　inasmuch　as　her　ideas　in　regard　to　love
and　marriage　had　undergone　so　abrupt　a　change；　but　it　must　be
overcome。　　If　she　was　to　be　Cyril's　wife；　she　must　like　to　be　with
himand　of　course　she　really　did　like　to　be　with　him；　for　she　had
enjoyed　his　companionship　very　much　during　all　these　past　weeks。
She　set　herself　therefore；　now；　determinedly　to　cultivating　Cyril。

It　was　then　that　Billy　made　a　strange　and　fearsome　discovery：　there
were　some　things　about　Cyril　that　she　didnotlike！

Billy　was　inexpressibly　shocked。　　Heretofore　he　had　been　so　high；
so　irreproachable；　so　god…like！but　heretofore　he　had　been　a
friend。　　Now　he　was　appearing　in　a　new　rolethough　unconsciously；
she　knew。　　Heretofore　she　had　looked　at　him　with　eyes　that　saw　only
the　delightful　and　marvelous　unfolding　of　a　coldly　reserved　nature
under　the　warmth　of　her　own　encouraging　smile。　　Now　she　looked　at
him　with　eyes　that　saw　only　the　possibilities　of　that　same　nature
when　it　should　have　been　unfolded　in　a　lifelong　companionship。　　And
what　she　saw　frightened　her。　　There　was　still　the　musicshe
acknowledged　that；　but　it　had　come　to　Billy　with　overwhelming　force
that　music；　after　all；　was　not　everything。　　The　man　counted；　as
well。　　Very　frankly　then　Billy　stated　the　case　to　herself。

〃What　passes　for　'fascinating　mystery'　in　him　now　will　be　plain
morosenesssometime。　　He　is　'taciturn'　now；　he'll　becross；　then。
It　is　'erratic'　when　he　won't　play　the　piano　to…day；　but　a　few
years　from　now；　when　he　refuses　some　simple　request　of　mine；　it
will　bestubbornness。　　All　this　it　will　beif　I　don't　love　him；
and　I　don't。　　I　know　I　don't。　　Besides；　we　aren't　really　congenial。
I　like　people　around；　he　doesn't。　　I　like　to　go　to　plays；　he
doesn't。　　He　likes　rainy　days；　I　abhor　them。　　There　is　no　doubt　of
itlife　with　him　would　not　be　one　grand　harmony；　it　would　be　one
jangling　discord。　　I　simply　cannot　marry　him。　　I　shall　have　to
break　the　engagement！

Billy　spoke　with　regretful　sorrow。　　It　was　evident　that　she　grieved
to　bring　pain　to　Cyril。　　Then　suddenly　the　gloom　left　her　face：　she
had　remembered　that　the　〃engagement〃　was　just　three　weeks　oldand
was　a　profound　secret；　not　only　to　the　bridegroom　elect；　but　to　all
the　world　as　wellsave　herself！

Billy　was　very　happy　after　that。　　She　sang　about　the　house　all　day；
and　she　danced　sometimes　from　room　to　room；　so　light　were　her　feet
and　her　heart。　　She　made　no　more　puddings　with　Marie's　supervision；
but　she　was　particularly　careful　to　have　the　little　music　teacher
or　Aunt　Hannah　with　her　when　Cyril　called。　　She　made　up　her　mind；
it　is　true；　that　she　had　been　mistaken；　and　that　Cyril　did　not　love
her；　still　she　wished　to　be　on　the　safe　side；　and　she　became　more
and　more　averse　to　being　left　alone　with　him　for　any　length　of
time。



CHAPTER　XXXII

CYRIL　HAS　SOMETHING　TO　SAY


Long　before　spring　Billy　was　forced　to　own　to　herself　that　her
fancied　security　from　lovemaking　on　the　part　of　Cyril　no　longer
existed。　　She　began　to　suspect　that　there　was　reason　for　her　fears。
Cyril　certainly　was　〃different。〃　　He　was　more　approachable；　less
reserved；　even　with　Marie　and　Aunt　Hannah。　　He　was　not　nearly　so
taciturn；　either；　and　he　was　much　more　gracious　about　his　playing。
Even　Marie　dared　to　ask　him　frequently　for　music；　and　he　never
refused　her　request。　　Three　times　he　had　taken　Billy　to　some　play
that　she　wanted　to　see；　and　he　had　invited　Marie；　too；　besides　Aunt
Hannah；　which　had　pleased　Billy　very　much。　　He　had　been　at　the　same
time　so　genial　and　so　gallant　that　Billy　had　declared　to　Marie
afterward　that　he　did　not　seem　like　himself　at　all；　but　like　some
one　else。

Marie　had　disagreed　with　her；　it　is　true；　and　had　said　stiffly：

〃I'm　sure　I　thought　he　seemed　very　much　like　himself。〃　　But　that
had　not　changed　Billy's　opinion　at　all。

To　Billy's　mind；　nothing　but　love　could　so　have　softened　the　stern
Cyril　she　had　known。　　She　was；　therefore；　all　the　more　careful
these　days　to　avoid　a　tete…a…tete　with　him；　though　she　was　not
always　successful；　particularly　owing　to　Marie's　unaccountable
perverseness　in　so　often　having　letters　to　write　or　work　to　do；
just　when　Billy　most　wanted　her　to　make　a　safe　third　with　herself
and　Cyril。　　It　was　upon　such　an　occasion；　after　Marie　had　abruptly
left　them　alone　together；　that　Cyril　had　observed；　a　little
sharply：

〃Billy；　I　wish　you　wouldn't　say　again　what　you　said　ten　minutes　ago
when　Miss　Marie　was　here。〃

〃What　was　that？〃

A　very　silly　reference　to　that　old　notion　that　you　and　every　one
else　seem　to　have　that　I　am　a　'woman…hater。'〃

Billy's　heart　skipped　a　beat。　　One　thought；　pounded　through　her
brain　and　dinned　itself　into　her　earsat　all　costs　Cyril　must　not
be　allowed　to　say　that　which　she　so　feared；　he　must　be　saved　from
himself。

〃Woman…hater？　　Why；　of　course　you're　a　woman…hater；〃　she　cried
merrily。　　〃I'm　sure；　II　think　it's　lovely　to　be　a　woman…hater。〃

The　man　opened　wide　his　eyes；　then　he　frowned　angrily。

〃Nonsense；　Billy；　I　know　better。　　Besides；　I'm　in　earnest；　and　I'm
not　a　woman…hater。〃

〃Oh；　but　every　one　says　you　are；〃　chattered　Billy。　　〃And；　after
all；　you　know　it　IS　distinguishing！〃

With　a　disdainful　exclamation　the　man　sprang　to　his　feet。　　For　a
time　he　paced　the　room　in　silence；　watched　by　Billy's　fearful　eyes；
then　he　came　back　and　dropped　into　the　low　chair　at　Billy's　side。
His　whole　manner　had　undergone　a　complete　change。　　He　was　almost
shamefaced　as　he　said：

〃Billy；　I　suppose　I　might　as　well　own　up。　　I　don't　think　I　did
think　much　of　women　until　I　sawyou。〃

Billy　swallowed　and　wet　her　lips。　　She　tried　to　speak；　but　before
she　could　form　the　words　the　man　went　on　with　his　remarks；　and
Billy　did　not　know　whether　to　be　the　more　relieved　or　frightened
thereat。

〃But　you　see　now　it's　different。　　That's　why　I　don't　like　to　sail
any　longer　under　false　colors。　　There's　been　a　changea　great　and
wonderful　change　that　I　hardly　understand　myself。〃

〃That's　it！　　You　don't　understand　it；　I'm　sure；〃　interposed　Billy；
feverishly。　　〃It　may　not　be　such　a　change；　after　all。　　You　may　be
deceiving　yourself；〃　she　finished　hopefully。

The　man　sighed。

〃I　can't　wonder　you　think　so；　of　course；〃　he　almost　groaned。　　〃I
was　afraid　it　would　be　like　that。　　When　one's　been　painted　black
all　one's　life；　it's　not　easy　to　change　one's　color；　of　course。〃

〃Oh；　but　I　didn't　say　that　black　wasn't　a　very　nice　color；〃
stammered　Billy；　a　little　wildly。

〃Thank　you。〃　　Cyril's　heavy　brows　rose　and　fell　the　fraction　of　an
inch。　　〃Still；　I　must　confess　that　just　now　I　should　prefer　another
shade。〃

He　paused；　and　Billy　cast　distractedly　about　in　her　mind　for　a
simple；　natural　change　of　subject。　　She　had　just　decided　to　ask　him
what　he　thought　of　the　condition　of　the　Brittany　peasants；　when　he
questioned　abruptly；　and　in　a　voice　that　was　not　quite　steady：

〃Billy；　what　should　you　say　if　I　should　tell　you　that　the　avowed
woman…hater　had　strayed　so　far　from　the　prescribed　path　as　toto
like　one　woman　well　enough　as　to　want　tomarry　her？〃

The　word　was　like　a　match　to　the　gunpowder　of　Billy's　fears。　　Her
self…control　was　shattered　instantly　into　bits。

〃Marry？　　No；　no；　you　wouldn'tyou　couldn't　really　be　thinking　of
that；〃　she　babbled；　growing　red　and　white　by　turns。　　〃Only　think
how　a　wife　wouldwould　b…bother　you！〃

〃Bother　me？　　When　I　loved　her？〃

〃But　just　thinkremember！　　She'd　want　cushions　and　rugs　and
curtains；　and　you　don't　like　them；　and　she'd　always　be　talking　and
laughing　when　you　wanted　quiet；　and　sheshe'd　want　to　drag　you　out
to　plays　and　parties　andand　everywhere。　　Indeed；　Cyril；　I'm　sure
you'd　never　like　a　wifelong！〃　　Billy　stopped　only　because　she　had
no　breath　with　which　to　continue。

Cyril　laughed　a　little　grimly。

〃You　don't　draw　a　very　attractive　picture；　Billy。　　Still；　I'm　not
afraid。　　I　don't　think　this　particularwife　would　do　any　of　those
thingsto　trouble　me。〃

〃Oh；　but　you　don't　know；　you　can't　tell；〃　argued　the　girl。
〃Besides；　you　have　had　so　little　experience　with