armadale-第108章

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Midwinter　will　have　married　me。


〃July　29th。Two　o'clock。Early　in　the　morning　I　sent　a　line　to
Midwinter；　telling　him　that　he　would　find　me　here　at　three　this
afternoon。　That　done；　I　devoted　the　morning　to　two　errands　of　my
own。　One　is　hardly　worth　mentioningit　was　only　to　raise　money
on　my　watch　and　chain。　I　got　more　than　I　expected；　and　more　（even
supposing　I　buy　myself　one　or　two　little　things　in　the　way　of
cheap　summer　dress）　than　I　am　at　all　likely　to　spend　before　the
wedding…day。

〃The　other　errand　was　of　a　far　more　serious　kind。　It　led　me　into
an　attorney's　office。

〃I　was　well　aware　last　night　（though　I　was　too　weary　to　put　it
down　in　my　diary）；　that　I　could　not　possibly　see　Midwinter　this
morningin　the　position　he　now　occupies　toward　mewithout　at
least　_appearing_　to　take　him　into　my　confidence　on　the　subject
of　myself　and　my　circumstances。　Excepting　one　necessary
consideration　which　I　must　be　careful　not　to　overlook。　there　is
not　the　least　difficulty　in　my　drawing　on　my　invention；　and
telling　him　any　story　I　pleasefor　thus　far　I　have　told　no　story
to　anybody。　Midwinter　went　away　to　London　before　it　was　possible
to　approach　the　subject。　As　to　the　Milroys　（having　provided　them
with　the　customary　reference）；　I　could　fortunately　keep　them　at
arms…length　on　all　questions　relating　purely　to　myself。　And
lastly；　when　I　affected　my　reconciliation　with　Armadale　on　the
drive　in　front　of　the　house；　he　was　fool　enough　to　be　too
generous　to　let　me　defend　my　character。　When　I　had　expressed　my
regret　for　having　lost　my　temper　and　threatened　Miss　Milroy；　and
when　I　had　accepted　his　assurance　that　my　pupil　had　never　done　or
meant　to　do　me　any　injury；　he　was　too　magnanimous　to　hear　a　word
on　the　subject　of　my　private　affairs。　Thus　I　am　quite　unfettered
by　any　former　assertions　of　my　own；　and　I　may　tell　any　story　I
pleasewith　the　one　drawback　hinted　at　already　in　the　shape　of　a
restraint。　Whatever　I　may　invent　in　the　way　of　pure　fiction；　I
must　preserve　the　character　in　which　I　have　appeared　at　Thorpe
Ambrose；　for；　with　the　notoriety　that　is　attached　to　_my　other
name；_　I　have　no　other　choice　but　to　marry　Midwinter　in　my　maiden
name　as　'Miss　Gwilt。'

〃This　was　the　consideration　that　took　me　into　the　lawyer's
office。　I　felt　that　I　must　inform　myself；　before　I　saw　Midwinter
later　in　the　day；　of　any　awkward　consequences　that　may　follow　the
marriage　of　a　widow　if　she　conceals　her　widow's　name。

〃Knowing　of　no　other　professional　person　whom　I　could　trust；　I
went　boldly　to　the　lawyer　who　had　my　interests　in　his　charge；　at
that　terrible　past　time　in　my　life；　which　I　have　more　reason　than
ever　to　shrink　from　thinking　of　now。　He　was　astonished；　and；　as　I
could　plainly　detect；　by　no　means　pleased　to　see　me。　I　had　hardly
opened　my　lips　before　he　said　he　hoped　I　was　not　consulting　him
_again_　（with　a　strong　emphasis　on　the　word）　on　my　own　account。　I
took　the　hint；　and　put　the　question　I　had　come　to　ask；　in　the
interests　of　that　accommodating　personage　on　such　occasionsan
absent　friend。　The　lawyer　evidently　saw　through　it　at　once；　but
he　was　sharp　enough　to　turn　my　'friend'　to　good　account　on　his
side。　He　said　he　would　answer　the　question　as　a　matter　of
courtesy　toward　a　lady　represented　by　myself；　but　he　must　make　it
a　condition　that　this　consultation　of　him　by　deputy　should　go　no
further。

〃I　accepted　his　terms；　for　I　really　respected　the　clever　manner
in　which　he　contrived　to　keep　me　at　arms…length　without　violating
the　laws　of　good…breeding。　In　two　minutes　I　heard　what　he　had　to
say；　mastered　it　in　my　own　mi　nd；　and　went　out。

〃Short　as　it　was；　the　consultation　told　me　everything　I　wanted　to
know。　I　risk　nothing　by　marrying　Midwinter　in　my　maiden　instead
of　my　widow's　name。　The　marriage　is　a　good　marriage　in　this　way：
that　it　can　only　be　set　aside　if　my　husband　finds　out　the
imposture；　and　takes　proceedings　to　invalidate　our　marriage　in　my
lifetime。　That　is　the　lawyer's　answer　in　the　lawyer's　own　words。
It　relieves　me　at　oncein　this　direction；　at　any　rateof　all
apprehension　about　the　future。　The　only　imposture　my　husband　will
ever　discoverand　then　only　if　he　happens　to　be　on　the　spotis
the　imposture　that　puts　me　in　the　place；　and　gives　me　the　income；
of　Armadale's　widow；　and　by　that　time　I　shall　have　invalidated　my
own　marriage　forever。

〃Half…past　two！　Midwinter　will　be　here　in　half　an　hour。　I　must　go
and　ask　my　glass　how　I　look。　I　must　rouse　my　invention；　and　make
up　my　little　domestic　romance。　Am　I　feeling　nervous　about　it？
Something　flutters　in　the　place　where　my　heart　used　to　be。　At
five…and…thirty；　too！　and　after　such　a　life　as　mine！


Six　o'clock。He　has　just　gone。　The　day　for　our　marriage　is　a　day
determined　on　already。

〃I　have　tried　to　rest　and　recover　myself。　I　can't　rest。　I　have
come　back　to　these　leaves。　There　is　much　to　be　written　in　them
since　Midwinter　has　been　here；　that　concerns　me　nearly。

〃Let　me　begin　with　what　I　hate　most　to　remember；　and　so　be　the
sooner　done　with　itlet　me　begin　with　the　paltry　string　of
falsehoods　which　I　told　him　about　my　family　troubles。

〃What　_can_　be　the　secret　of　this　man's　hold　on　me？　How　is　it
that　he　alters　me　so　that　I　hardly　know　myself　again？　I　was　like
myself　in　the　railway　carriage　yesterday　with　Armadale。　It　was
surely　frightful　to　be　talking　to　the　living　man；　through　the
whole　of　that　long　journey；　with　the　knowledge　in　me　all　the
while　that　I　meant　to　be　his　widowand　yet　I　was　only　excited
and　fevered。　Hour　after　hour　I　never　shrunk　once　from　speaking　to
Armadale；　but　the　first　trumpery　falsehood　I　told　Midwinter
turned　me　cold　when　I　saw　that　he　believed　it！　I　felt　a　dreadful
hysterical　choking　in　the　throat　when　he　entreated　me　not　to
reveal　my　troubles。　And　onceI　am　horrified　when　I　think　of
itonce；　when　he　said；　'If　I　_could_　love　you　more　dearly；　I
should　love　you　more　dearly　now；'　I　was　within　a　hair…breadth　of
turning　traitor　to　myself。　I　was　on　the　very　point　of　crying　out
to　him；　'Lies！　all　lies！　I'm　a　fiend　in　human　shape！　Marry　the
wretchedest　creature　that　prowls　the　streets；　and　you　will　marry
a　better　woman　than　me！'　Yes！　the　seeing　his　eyes　moisten；　the
hearing　his　voice　tremble；　while　I　was　deceiving　him；　shook　me　in
that　way。　I　have　seen　handsomer　men　by　hundreds；　cleverer　men　by
dozens。　What　can　this　man　have　roused　in　me？　Is　it　Love？　I
thought　I　_had_　loved；　never　to　love　again。　Does　a　woman　not　love
when　the　man's　hardness　to　her　drives　her　to　drown　herself？　A　man
drove　_me_　to　that　last　despair　in　days　gone　by。　Did　all　my
misery　at　that　time　come　from　something　which　was　not　Love？　Have
I　lived　to　be　five…and…thirty；　and　am　I　only　feeling　now　what
Love　really　is？now；　when　it　is　too　late？　Ridiculous！　Besides；
what　is　the　use　of　asking？　What　do　I　know　about　it？　What　does　any
woman　ever　know？　The　more　we　think　of　it；　the　more　we　deceive
ourselves。　I　wish　I　had　been　born　an　animal。　My　beauty　might　have
been　of　some　use　to　me　thenit　might　have　got　me　a　good　master。

〃Here　is　a　whole　page　of　my　diary　filled；　and　nothing　written　yet
that　is　of　the　slightest　use　to　me！　My　miserable　made…up　story
must　be　told　over　again　here；　while　the　incidents　are　fresh　in　my
memoryor　how　am　I　to　refer　to　it　consistently　on
after…occasions　when　I　may　be　obliged　to　speak　of　it　again？

〃There　was　nothing　new　in　what　I　told　him；　it　was　the　commonplace
rubbish　of　the　circulating　libraries。　A　dead　father；　a　lost
fortune；　vagabond　brothers；　whom　I　dread　ever　seeing　again；　a
bedridden　mother　dependent　on　my　exertionsNo！　I　can't　write　it
down！　I　hate　myself；　I　despise　myself；　when　I　remember　that　_he_
believed　it　because　I　said　itthat　_he_　was　distressed　by　it
because　it　was　my　story！　I　will　face　the　chances　of　contradicting
myselfI　will　risk　discovery　and　ruinanything　rather　than
dwell　on　that　contemptible　deception　of　him　a　moment　longer。

〃My　lies　came　to　an　end　at　last。　And　then　he　talked　to　me　of
himself　and　of　his　prospects。　Oh；　what　a　relief　it　was　to　turn　to
that　at　the　time！　What　a　relief　it　is　to　come　to　it　now！

〃He　has　accepted　the　offer　about　which　he　wrote　to　me　at　Thorpe
Ambrose；　and　he　is　now　engaged　as　occasional　foreign
correspondent　to　the　new　newspaper。　His　first　destination　is
Naples。　I　wish　it　had　been　some　other　place；　for　I　have　certain
past　associations　with　Naples　which　I　am　not　at　all　anxious　to
renew。　It　has　been　arranged　that　he　is　to　leave　England　not　later
than　the　eleventh　of　next　month。　By　that　time；　therefore；　I；　who
am　to　go　with　him；　must　go　with　him　as　his　wife。

〃There　is　not　the　slightest　difficulty　about　the　marriage。　All
this　part　of　it　is　so　easy　that　I　begin　to　dread　an　accident。

〃The　proposal　to　keep　the　thing　strictly　privatewhich　it　might
have　embarrassed　me　to　makecomes　from　Midwinter。　Marrying　me　in
his　own　namethe　name　that　he　has　kept　concealed　from　every
living　creature　but　myself　and　Mr。　Brockit　is　his　interest　that
not　a　soul　who　knows　him　should　be　present　at　the　ceremony；　his
friend　Armadale　least　of　all。　He　has　been　a　week　in　London
already。　When　another　week　has　passed；　he　proposes　to　get　the
License；　and　to　be　married　in　the　church　belonging　to　the　parish
in　which　the　hotel　is　situated。　These　are　the　only　necessary
formalities。　I　had　but　to　say　'Yes'　（he　told　me）；　and　to　feel　no
further　anxiety　about　the　future。　I　said　'Yes'　with　such　a
devouring　anxiety　about　the　future　that　I　was　afraid　he　would　see
it。　What　minutes　the　next　few　minutes　were；　when　he　whispered
delicious　words　to　me；　while　I　hid　my　face　on　his　breast！

〃I　recovered　myself　first；　and　led　him　back　to　the　subject　of
Armadale；　having　my　own　reasons　for　wanting　to　know　what　they
said　to　each　other　after　I　had　left　them　yesterday。

〃The　manner　in　which　Midwinter　replied　showed　me　that　he　was
speaking　under　the　restraint　of　respecting　a　confidence　placed　in
him　by　his　friend。　Long　before　he　had　done；　I　detected　what　the
confidence　was。　Armadale　had　been　consulting　him　（exactly　as　I
anticipated）　on　the　subject　of　the　elopement。　Although　he　appears
to　have　remonstrated　against　taking　the　girl　secretly　away　from
her　home；　Midwinter　seems　to　have　felt　some　delicacy　about
speaking　strongly；　remembering　（widely　different　as　the
circumstances　are）　that　he　was　contemplating　a　private　marriage
himself。　I　gathered；　at　any　rate；　that　he　had　produced　very
little　effect　by　what　he　had　said；　and　that　Armadale　had　already
carried　out　his　absurd　intention　of　consulting　the　head…clerk　in
the　office　of　his　London　lawyers。

〃Having　got　as　far　as　this；　Midwinter　put　the　question　which　I
felt　must　come　sooner　or　later。　He　asked　if　I　objected　to　our
engagement　being　mentioned；　in　the　strictest　secrecy；　to　his
friend。

〃　'I　will　answer；'　he　said；　'for　Allan's　respecting　any
confidence　that　I　place　in　him。　And　I　will　undertake；　when　the
time　comes；　so　to　use　my　influence　over　him　as　to　prevent　his
being　present　at　the　marriage；　and　discovering　（what　he　must
never　know）　that　my　name　is　the　same　as　his　own。　It　would　help
me；'　he　went　on；　'to　speak　more　strongly　about　the　object　that
has　brought　him　to　London；　if　I　can　requite　the　frankness　with
which　he　has　spoken　of　his　private　affairs　to　me　by　the　same
frankness　on　my　si