armadale-第121章

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me　in　every　new　hour　of　the　day。

〃He　might　have　looked　at　me；　though　he　_was_　so　busy　with　his
writing。He　might　have　said；　'How　nicely　you　are　dressed　this
morning！'　He　might　have　rememberednever　mind　what！　All　he
remembers　is　the　newspaper。


〃Twelve　o'clock。I　have　been　reading　and　thinking；　and；　thanks
to　my　Diary；　I　have　got　through　an　hour。

〃What　a　time　it　waswhat　a　life　it　was；　at　Thorpe　Ambrose！　I
wonder　I　kept　my　senses。　It　makes　my　heart　beat；　it　makes　my　face
flush；　only　to　read　about　it　now！

〃The　rain　still　falls；　and　the　journalist　still　scribbles。　I
don't　want　to　think　the　thoughts　of　that　past　time　over　again。
And　yet；　what　else　can　I　do？

〃SupposingI　only　say　supposingI　felt　now；　as　I　felt　when　I
traveled　to　London　with　Armadale；　and　when　I　saw　my　way　to　his
life　as　plainly　as　I　saw　the　man　himself　all　through　the　journey。
。　。　。　？

〃I'll　go　and　look　out　of　the　window。　I'll　go　and　count　the　people
as　they　pass　by。

〃A　funeral　has　gone　by；　with　the　penitents　in　their　black　hoods；
and　the　wax　torches　sputtering　in　the　wet；　and　the　little　bell
ringing；　and　the　priests　droning　their　monotonous　chant。　A
pleasant　sight　to　meet　me　at　the　window！　I　shall　go　back　to　my
Diary。

〃Supposing　I　was　not　the　altered　woman　I　amI　only　say；
supposinghow　would　the　Grand　Risk　that　I　once　thought　of
running　look　now？　I　have　married　Midwinter　in　the　name　that　is
really　his　own。　And　by　doing　that　I　have　taken　the　first　of　those
three　steps　which　were　once　to　lead　me；　through　Armadale's　life；
to　the　fortune　and　the　station　of　Armadale's　widow。　No　matter　how
innocent　my　intentions　might　have　been　on　the　wedding…dayand
they　_were_　innocentthis　is　one　of　the　unalterable　results　of
the　marriage。　Well；　having　taken　the　first　step；　then；　whether　I
would　or　no；　howsupposing　I　meant　to　take　the　second　step；
which　I　don'thow　would　present　circumstances　stand　toward　me？
Would　they　warn　me　to　draw　back；　I　wonder？　or　would　they
encourage　me　to　go　on？

〃It　will　interest　me　to　calculate　the　chances；　and　I　can　easily
tear　the　leaf　out；　and　destroy　it；　if　the　prospect　looks　too
encouraging。

〃We　are　living　here　（for　economy's　sake）　far　away　from　the
expensive　English　quarter；　in　a　suburb　of　the　city；　on　the
Portici　side。　We　have　made　no　traveling　acquaintances　among　our
own　country　people。　Our　poverty　is　against　us；　Midwinter's
shyness　is　against　us；　and　（with　the　women）　my　personal
appearance　is　against　us。　The　men　from　whom　my　husband　gets　his
information　for　the　newspaper　meet　him　at　the　cafe；　and　never
come　here。　I　discourage　his　bringing　any　strangers　to　see　me；
for；　though　years　have　passed　since　I　was　last　at　Naples；　I
cannot　be　sure　that　some　of　the　many　people　I　once　knew　in　this
place　may　not　be　living　still。　The　moral　of　all　this　is　（as　the
children's　storybooks　say）；　that　not　a　single　witness　has　come　to
this　house　who　could　declare；　if　any　after…inquiry　took　place　in
England；　that　Midwinter　and　I　had　been　living　here　as　man　and
wife。　So　much　for　present　circumstances　as　they　affect　Me。

〃Armadale　next。　Has　any　unforeseen　accident　led　him　to
communicate　with　Thorpe　Ambrose？　Has　he　broken　the　conditions
which　the　major　imposed　on　him；　and　asserted　himself　in　the
character　of　Miss　Milroy's　promised　husband　since　I　saw　him　last？

〃Nothing　of　the　sort　has　taken　place。　No　unforeseen　accident　has
altered　his　positionhis　tempting　positiontoward　myself。　I
know　all　that　has　happened　to　him　since　he　left　England；　through
the　letters　which　he　writes　to　Midwinter；　and　which　Midwinter
shows　to　me。

〃He　has　been　wrecked；　to　begin　with。　His　trumpery　little　yacht
has　actually　tried　to　drown　him；　after　all；　and　has　failed！　It
happened　（as　Midwinter　warned　him　it　might　happen　with　so　small　a
vessel）　in　a　sudden　storm。　They　were　blown　ashore　on　the　coast　of
Portugal。　The　yacht　went　to　pieces；　but　the　lives；　and　papers；
and　so　on；　were　saved。　The　men　have　been　sent　back　to　Bristol；
with　recommendations　from　their　master　which　have　already　got
them　employment　on　board　an　outward…bound　ship。　And　the　master
himself　is　on　his　way　here；　after　stopping　first　at　Lisbon；　and
next　at　Gibraltar；　and　trying　ineffectually　in　both　places　to
supply　himself　with　another　vessel。　His　third　attempt　is　to　be
made　at　Naples；　where　there　is　an　English　yacht　'laid　up；'　as
they　call　it；　to　be　had　for　sale　or　hire。　He　has　had　no　occasion
to　write　home　since　the　wreck；　for　he　took　away　from　Coutts's　the
whole　of　the　large　sum　of　money　lodged　there　for　him；　in　circular
notes。　And　he　has　felt　no　inclination　to　go　back　to　England
himself；　for；　with　Mr。　Brock　dead；　Miss　Milroy　at　school；　and
Midwinter　here；　he　has　not　a　living　creature　in　whom　he　is
interested　to　welcome　him　if　he　returned。　To　see　us；　and　to　see
the　new　yacht；　are　the　only　two　present　objects　he　has　in　view。
Midwinter　has　been　expecting　him　for　a　week　past；　and　he　may　walk
into　this　very　room　in　which　I　am　writing；　at　this　very　moment；
for　all　I　know　to　the　contrary。

〃Tempting　circumstances；　thesewith　all　the　wrongs　I　have
suffered　at　his　mother's　hands　and　at　his；　still　alive　in　my
memory；　with　Miss　Milroy　confidently　waiting　to　take　her　place　at
the　head　of　his　household；　with　my　dream　of　living　happy　and
innocent　in　Midwinter's　love　dispelled　forever；　and　with　nothing
left　in　its　place　to　help　me　against　myself。　I　wish　it　wasn't
raining；　I　wish　I　could　go　out。

〃Perhaps　something　may　happen　to　prevent　Armadale　from　coming　to
Naples？　When　he　last　wrote；　he　was　waiting　at　Gibraltar　for　an
English　steamer　in　the　Mediterranean　trade　to　bring　him　on　here。
He　may　get　tired　of　waiting　before　the　steamer　comes；　or　he　may
hear　of　a　yacht　at　some　other　place　than　this。　A　little　bird
whispers　in　my　ear　that　it　may　possibly　be　the　wisest　thing　he
ever　did　in　his　life　if　he　breaks　his　engagement　to　join　us　at
Naples。

〃Shall　I　tear　out　the　leaf　on　which　all　these　shocking　things
have　been　written？　No。　My　Diary　is　so　nicely　boundit　would　be
positive　barbarity　to　tear　out　a　leaf。　Let　me　occupy　myself
harmlessly　with　something　else。　What　shall　it　be？　My
dressing…caseI　will　put　my　dressing…case　tidy；　and　polish　up
the　few　little　things　in　it　which　my　misfortunes　have　still　left
in　my　possession。

〃I　have　shut　up　the　dressing…case　again。　The　first　thing　I　found
in　it　was　Armadale's　shabby　present　to　me　on　my　marriagethe
rubbishing　little　ruby　ring。　That　irritated　me；　to　begin　with。
The　second　thing　that　turned　up　was　my　bottle　of　Drops。　I　caught
myself　measuring　the　doses　with　my　eye；　and　calculating　how　many
of　them　would　be　enough　to　take　a　living　creature　over　the
border…land　between　sleep　and　death。　Why　I　should　have　locked　the
dressing…case　in　a　fright；　before　I　had　quite　completed　my
calculation；　I　don't　know；　but　I　did　lock　it。　And　here　I　am　back
again　at　my　Diary；　with　nothing；　absolutely　nothing；　to　write
about。　Oh；　the　weary　day！　the　weary　day！　Will　nothing　happen　to
excite　me　a　little　in　this　horrible　place？


〃October　12th。Midwinter　's　all…important　letter　to　the
newspaper　was　dispatched　by　the　post　last　night。　I　was　foolish
enough　to　suppose　that　I　might　be　honored　by　having　some　of　his
spare　attention　bestowed　on　me　to…day。　Nothing　of　the　sort！　He
had　a　restless　night；　after　all　his　writing；　and　got　up　with　his
head　aching；　and　his　spirits　miserably　depressed。　When　he　is　in
this　state；　his　favorite　remedy　is　to　return　to　his　old　vagabond
habits；　and　go　roaming　away　by　himself　nobody　knows　where。　He
went　through　the　form　this　morning　（knowing　I　had　no　riding
habit）　of　offering　to　hire　a　little　broken…kneed　brute　of　a　pony
for　me；　in　case　I　wished　to　accompany　him！　I　preferred　remaining
at　home。　I　will　have　a　handsome　horse　and　a　handsome　habit；　or　I
won't　ride　at　all。　He　went　away；　without　attempting　to　persuade
me　to　change　my　mind。　I　wouldn't　have　changed　it；　of　course；　but
he　might　have　tried　to　persuade　me　all　the　same。

〃I　can　open　the　piano　in　his　absencethat　is　one　comfort。　And　I
am　in　a　fine　humor　for　playingthat　is　another。　There　is　a
sonata　of　Beethoven's　（I　forget　the　number）；　which　always
suggests　to　me　the　agony　of　lost　spirits　in　a　place　of　torment。
Come；　my　fingers　and　thumbs；　and　take　me　among　the　lost　spirits
this　morning！


〃October　13th。Our　windows　look　out　on　the　sea。　At　noon　to…day
we　saw　a　steamer　coming　in；　with　the　English　flag　flying。
Midwinter　has　gone　to　the　port；　on　the　chance　that　this　may　be
the　vessel　from　Gibraltar；　with　Armadale　on　board。

〃Two　o'clock。It　is　the　vessel　from　Gibraltar。　Armadale　has
added　one　more　to　the　long　list　of　his　blunders：　he　has　kept　his
engagement　to　join　us　at　Naples。

〃How　will　it　end　_now？_

〃Who　knows？


〃October　16th。Two　days　missed　out　of　my　Diary！　I　can　hardly
tell　why；　unless　it　is　that　Armadale　irritates　me　beyond　all
endurance。　The　mere　sight　of　him　takes　me　back　to　Thorpe　Ambrose。
I　fancy　I　must　have　been　afraid　of　what　I　might　write　about　him；
in　the　course　of　the　last　two　days；　if　I　indulged　myself　in　the
dangerous　luxury　of　opening　these　pages。

〃This　morning　I　am　afraid　of　nothing；　and　I　take　up　my　pen　again
accordingly。

〃Is　there　any　limit；　I　wonder；　to　the　brutish　stupidity　of　some
men？　I　thought　I　had　discovered　Armadale's　limit　when　I　was　his
neighbor　in　Norfolk；　but　my　later　experience　at　Naples　shows　me
that　I　was　wrong。　He　is　perpetually　in　and　out　of　this　house
（crossing　over　to　us　in　a　boat　from　the　hotel　at　Santa　Lucia；
where　he　sleeps）；　and　he　has　exactly　two　subjects　of
conversationthe　yacht　for　sale　in　the　harbor　here；　and　Miss
Milroy。　Yes！　he　selects　ME　as　the　_confidante_　of　his　devoted
attachment　to　the　major's　daughter！　'It's　so　nice　to　talk　to　a
woman　about　it！'　That　is　all　the　apology　he　has　thought　it
necessary　to　make　for　appealing　to　my　sympathies_my_
sympathies！on　the　subject　of　'his　darling　Neelie；'　fifty　times
a　day。　He　is　evidently　persuaded　（if　he　thinks　about　it　at　all）
that　I　have　forgotten；　as　completely　as　he　has　forgotten；　all
that　once　passed　between　us　when　I　was　first　at　Thorpe　Ambrose。
Such　an　utter　want　of　the　commonest　delicacy　and　the　commonest
tact；　in　a　creature　who　is；　to　all　appearance；　possessed　of　a
skin；　and　not　a　hide；　and　who　does；　unless　my　ears　deceive　me；
talk；　and　not　bray；　is　really　quite　incredible　when　one　comes　to
think　of　it。　But　it　is；　for　all　that；　quite　true。　He　asked　mehe
actually　asked　me；　last　nighthow　many　hundreds　a　year　the　wife
of　a　rich　man　could　spend　on　her　dress。　'Don't　put　it　too　low；'
the　idiot　added；　with　his　intolerable　grin。　'Neelie　shall　be　one
of　the　best…dressed　women　in　England　when　I　have　married　her。'
And　this　to　me；　after　having　had　him　at　my　feet；　and　then　losing
him　again　through　Miss　Milroy！　This　to　me；　with　an　alpaca　gown
on；　and　a　husband　whose　income　must　be　helped　by　a　newspaper！

〃I　had　better　not　dwell　on　it　any　longer。　I　had　better　think　and
write　of　something　else。

〃The　yacht。　As　a　relief　from　hearing　about　Miss　Milroy；　I　declare
the　yacht　in　the　harbor　is　quite　an　interesting　subject　to　me！
She　（the　men　call　a　vessel　'She'；　and　I　suppose；　if　the　women
took　an　interest　in　such　things；　_they_　would　call　a　vessel
'He'）she　is　a　beautiful　model；　and　her　'top…s