armadale-第123章

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looked　at　me　were　the　eyes　of　the　one　man　on　earth　whom　I　have
most　reason　to　dread　ever　seeing　againManuel！

〃If　it　had　not　been　for　my　smelling…bottle；　I　believe　I　should
have　lost　my　senses。　As　it　was；　I　drew　back　again　into　the
shadow。　Even　Armadale　noticed　the　sudden　change　in　me：　he；　as
well　as　Midwinter；　asked　if　I　was　ill。　I　said　I　felt　the　heat；
but　hoped　I　should　be　better　presently；　and　then　leaned　back　in
the　box；　and　tried　to　rally　my　courage。　I　succeeded　in　recovering
self…possession　enough　to　be　able　to　look　again　at　the　stage
（without　showing　myself）　the　next　time　the　chorus　appeared。　There
was　the　man　again！　But　to　my　infinite　relief　he　never　looked
toward　our　box　a　second　time。　This　welcome　indifference；　on　his
part；　helped　to　satisfy　me　that　I　had　seen　an　extraordinary
accidental　resemblance；　and　nothing　more。　I　still　hold　to　this
conclusion；　after　having　had　leisure　to　think；　but　my　mind　would
be　more　completely　at　ease　than　it　is　if　I　had　seen　the　rest　of
the　man's　face　without　the　stage　disguises　that　hid　it　from　all
investigation。

〃When　the　curtain　fell　on　the　first　act；　there　was　a　tiresome
ballet　to　be　performed　（according　to　the　absurd　Italian　cust　om）；
before　the　opera　went　on。　Though　I　had　got　over　my　first　fright；
I　had　been　far　too　seriously　startled　to　feel　comfortable　in　the
theater。　I　dreaded　all　sorts　of　impossible　accidents；　and　when
Midwinter　and　Armadale　put　the　question　to　me；　I　told　them　I　was
not　well　enough　to　stay　through　the　rest　of　the　performance。

〃At　the　door　of　the　theater　Armadale　proposed　to　say　good…night。
But　Midwinterevidently　dreading　the　evening　with　_me_asked
him　to　come　back　to　supper；　if　I　had　no　objection。　I　said　the
necessary　words；　and　we　all　three　returned　together　to　this
house。

〃Ten　minutes'　quiet　in　my　own　room　（assisted　by　a　little　dose　of
eau…de…cologne　and　water）　restored　me　to　myself。　I　joined　the　men
at　the　supper…table。　They　received　my　apologies　for　taking　them
away　from　the　opera；　with　the　complimentary　assurance　that　I　had
not　cost　either　of　them　the　slightest　sacrifice　of　his　own
pleasure。　Midwinter　declared　that　he　was　too　completely　worn　out
to　care　for　anything　but　the　two　great　blessings；　unattainable　at
the　theater；　of　quiet　and　fresh　air。　Armadale　saidwith　an
Englishman's　exasperating　pride　in　his　own　stupidity　wherever　a
matter　of　art　is　concernedthat　he　couldn't　make　head　or　tail　of
the　performance。　The　principal　disappointment；　he　was　good　enough
to　add；　was　mine；　for　I　evidently　understood　foreign　music；　and
enjoyed　it。　Ladies　generally　did。　His　darling　little　Neelie

〃I　was　in　no　humor　to　be　persecuted　with　his　'Darling　Neelie'
after　what　I　had　gone　through　at　the　theater。　It　might　have　been
the　irritated　state　of　my　nerves；　or　it　might　have　been　the
eau…de…cologne　flying　to　my　head；　but　the　bare　mention　of　the
girl　seemed　to　set　me　in　a　flame。　I　tried　to　turn　Armadale's
attention　in　the　direction　of　the　supper…table。　He　was　much
obliged；　but　he　had　no　appetite　for　more。　I　offered　him　wine
next；　the　wine　of　the　country；　which　is　all　that　our　poverty
allows　us　to　place　on　the　table。　He　was　much　obliged　again。　The
foreign　wine　was　very　little　more　to　his　taste　than　the　foreign
music；　but　he　would　take　some　because　I　asked　him；　and　he　would
drink　my　health　in　the　old…fashioned　way；　with　his　best　wishes
for　the　happy　time　when　we　should　all　meet　again　at　Thorpe
Ambrose；　and　when　there　would　be　a　mistress　to　welcome　me　at　the
great　house。

〃Was　he　mad　to　persist　in　this　way？　No；　his　face　answered　for
him。　He　was　under　the　impression　that　he　was　making　himself
particularly　agreeable　to　me。

〃I　looked　at　Midwinter。　He　might　have　seen　some　reason　for
interfering　to　change　the　conversation；　if　he　had　looked　at　me　in
return。　But　he　sat　silent　in　his　chair；　irritable　and　overworked；
with　his　eyes　on　the　ground；　thinking。

〃I　got　up　and　went　to　the　window。　Still　impenetrable　to　a　sense
of　his　own　clumsiness；　Armadale　followed　me。　If　I　had　been　strong
enough　to　toss　him　out　of　the　window　into　the　sea；　I　should
certainly　have　done　it　at　that　moment。　Not　being　strong　enough；　I
looked　steadily　at　the　view　over　the　bay；　and　gave　him　a　hint；
the　broadest　and　rudest　I　could　think　of；　to　go。

〃　'A　lovely　night　for　a　walk；'　I　said；　'if　you　are　tempted　to
walk　back　to　the　hotel。'

〃I　doubt　if　he　heard　me。　At　any　rate；　I　produced　no　sort　of
effect　on　him。　He　stood　staring　sentimentally　at　the　moonlight；
andthere　is　really　no　other　word　to　express　it_blew_　a　sigh。
I　felt　a　presentiment　of　what　was　coming；　unless　I　stopped　his
mouth　by　speaking　first。

〃　'With　all　your　fondness　for　England；'　I　said；　'you　must　own
that　we　have　no　such　moonlight　as　that　at　home。'

〃He　looked　at　me　vacantly；　and　blew　another　sigh。

〃　'I　wonder　whether　it　is　fine　to…night　in　England　as　it　is
here？'　he　said。　'I　wonder　whether　my　dear　little　girl　at　home　is
looking　at　the　moonlight；　and　thinking　of　Me？'

〃I　could　endure　it　no　longer。　I　flew　out　at　him　at　last。

〃　'Good　heavens；　Mr。　Armadale！'　I　exclaimed；　'is　there　only　one
subject　worth　mentioning；　in　the　narrow　little　world　you　live　in？
I'm　sick　to　death　of　Miss　Milroy。　Do　pray　talk　of　something
else？'

〃His　great；　broad；　stupid　face　colored　up　to　the　roots　of　his
hideous　yellow　hair。　'I　beg　your　pardon；'　he　stammered；　with　a
kind　of　sulky　surprise。　'I　didn't　suppose'　He　stopped
confusedly；　and　looked　from　me　to　Midwinter。　I　understood　what
the　look　meant。　'I　didn't　suppose　she　could　be　jealous　of　Miss
Milroy　after　marrying　_you！_'　That　is　what　he　would　have　said　to
Midwinter；　if　I　had　left　them　alone　together　in　the　room！

〃As　it　was；　Midwinter　had　heard　us。　Before　I　could　speak
againbefore　Armadale　could　add　another　wordhe　finished　his
friend's　uncompleted　sentence；　in　a　tone　that　I　now　heard；　and
with　a　look　that　I　now　saw；　for　the　first　time。

〃　'You　didn't　suppose；　Allan；'　he　said；　'that　a　lady's　temper
could　be　so　easily　provoked。'

〃The　first　bitter　word　of　irony；　the　first　hard　look　of　contempt；
I　had　ever　had　from　him！　And　Armadale　the　cause　of　it！

〃My　anger　suddenly　left　me。　Something　came　in　its　place　which
steadied　me　in　an　instant；　and　took　me　silently　out　of　the　room。

〃I　sat　down　alone　in　the　bedroom。　I　had　a　few　minutes　of　thought
with　myself；　which　I　don't　choose　to　put　into　words；　even　in
these　secret　pages。　I　got　up；　and　unlockednever　mind　what。　I
went　round　to　Midwinter's　side　of　the　bed；　and　tookno　matter
what　I　took。　The　last　thing　I　did　before　I　left　the　room　was　to
look　at　my　watch。　It　was　half…past　ten；　Armadale's　usual　time　for
leaving　us。　I　went　back　at　once　and　joined　the　two　men　again。

〃I　approached　Armadale　good…humoredly；　and　said　to　him：


〃No！　On　second　thoughts。　I　won't　put　down　what　I　said　to　him；　or
what　I　did　afterward。　I'm　sick　of　Armadale！　he　turns　up　at　every
second　word　I　write。　I　shall　pass　over　what　happened　in　the
course　of　the　next　hourthe　hour　between　half…past　ten　and
half…past　elevenand　take　up　my　story　again　at　the　time　when
Armadale　had　left　us。　Can　I　tell　what　took　place；　as　soon　as　our
visitor's　back　was　turned；　between　Midwinter　and　me　in　our　own
room？　Why　not　pass　over　what　happened；　in　that　case　as　well　as　in
the　other？　Why　agitate　myself　by　writing　it　down？　I　don't　know！
Why　do　I　keep　a　diary　at　all？　Why　did　the　clever　thief　the　other
day　（in　the　English　newspaper）　keep　the　very　thing　to　convict　him
in　the　shape　of　a　record　of　everything　he　stole？　Why　are　we　not
perfectly　reasonable　in　all　that　we　do？　Why　am　I　not　always　on　my
guard　and　never　inconsistent　with　myself；　like　a　wicked　character
in　a　novel？　Why？　why？　why？

〃I　don't　care　why！　I　must　write　down　what　happened　between
Midwinter　and　me　to…night；　_because_　I　must。　There's　a　reason
that　nobody　can　answermyself　included。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　*　*　*　*　*　*　*

〃It　was　half…past　eleven。　Armadale　had　gone。　I　had　put　on　my
dressing…gown；　and　had　just　sat　down　to　arrange　my　hair　for　the
night；　when　I　was　surprised　by　a　knock　at　the　door；　and　Midwinter
came　in。

〃He　was　frightfully　pale。　His　eyes　looked　at　me　with　a　terrible
despair　in　them。　He　never　answered　when　I　expressed　my　surprise
at　his　coming　in　so　much　sooner　than　usual；　he　wouldn't　even　tell
me；　when　I　asked　the　question；　if　he　was　ill。　Pointing
peremptorily　to　the　chair　from　which　I　had　risen　on　his　entering
the　room；　he　told　me　to　sit　down　again；　and　then；　after　a　moment；
added　these　words：　'I　have　something　serious　to　say　to　you。'

〃I　thought　of　what　I　had　doneor；　no；　of　what　I　had　tried　to
doin　that　interval　between　half…past　ten　and　half…past　eleven；
which　I　have　left　unnoticed　in　my　diaryand　the　deadly　sickness
of　terror；　which　I　never　felt　at　the　time；　came　upon　me　now。　I
sat　down　again；　as　I　had　been　told；　without　speaking　to
Midwinter；　and　without　looking　at　him。

〃He　took　a　turn　up　and　down　the　room；　and　then　came　and　stood
over　me。

〃　'If　Allan　comes　here　to…morrow；'　he　began；　'and　if　you　see
him'

〃His　voice　faltered；　and　he　said　no　more。　There　was　some　dreadful
grief　at　his　heart　that　was　trying　to　master　him。　But　there　are
times　when　his　will　is　a　will　of　iron。　He　took　another　turn　in
the　room；　and　crushed　it　down。　He　came　back；　and　stood　over　me
again。

〃　'When　Allan　comes　here　to…morrow；'　he　resumed；　'let　him　come
into　my　room；　if　he　wants　to　see　me。　I　shall　tell　him　that　I　find
it　impossi　ble　to　finish　the　work　I　now　have　on　hand　as　soon　as　I
had　hoped；　and　that　he　must；　therefore；　arrange　to　find　a　crew
for　the　yacht　without　any　assistance　on　my　part。　If　he　comes；　in
his　disappointment；　to　appeal　to　you；　give　him　no　hope　of　my
being　free　in　time　to　help　him　if　he　waits。　Encourage　him　to　take
the　best　assistance　he　can　get　from　strangers；　and　to　set　about
manning　the　yacht　without　any　further　delay。　The　more　occupation
he　has　to　keep　him　away　from　this　house；　and　the　less　you
encourage　him　to　stay　here　if　he　does　come；　the　better　I　shall　be
pleased。　Don't　forget　that；　and　don't　forget　one　last　direction
which　I　have　now　to　give　you。　When　the　vessel　is　ready　for　sea；
and　when　Allan　invites　us　to　sail　with　him；　it　is　my　wish　that
you　should　positively　decline　to　go。　He　will　try　to　make　you
change　your　mind；　for　I　shall；　of　course；　decline；　on　my　side；　to
leave　you　in　this　strange　house；　and　in　this　foreign　country；　by
yourself。　No　matter　what　he　says；　let　nothing　persuade　you　to
alter　your　decision。　Refuse；　positively　and　finally！　Refuse；　I
insist　on　it；　to　set　your　foot　on　the　new　yacht！'

〃He　ended　quietly　and　firmly；　with　no　faltering　in　his　voice；　and
no　signs　of　hesitation　or　relenting　in　his　face。　The　sense　of
surprise　which　I　might　otherwise　have　felt　at　the　strange　words
he　had　addressed　to　me　was　lost　in　the　sense　of　relief　that　they
brought　to　my　mind。　The　dread　of　_those　other　words_　that　I　had
expected　to　hear　from　him　left　me　as　suddenly　as　it　had　come。　I
could　look　at　him；　I　could　speak　to　him　once　more。

〃　'You　may　depend；'　I　answered；　'on　my　doing　exactly　what　you
order　me　to　do。　Must　I　obey　you　blindly？　Or　may　I　know　your
reason　for　the　extraordinary　directions　you　have　just　given　to
me？'

〃His；　face　darkened；　and　he　sat　down　on