armadale-第21章

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like　pride　are　the　years　I　passed　in　the　miser's　house。　The　only
unalloyed　pleasure　I　have　ever　tasted　is　the　pleasure　that　I
found　for　myself　on　the　miser's　shelves。　Early　and　late；　through
the　long　winter　nights　and　the　quiet　summer　days；　I　drank　at　the
fountain　of　knowledge；　and　never　wearied　of　the　draught。　There
were　few　customers　to　serve；　for　the　books　were　mostly　of　the
solid　and　scholarly　kind。　No　responsibilities　rested　on　me；　for
the　accounts　were　kept　by　my　master；　and　only　the　small　sums　of
money　were　suffered　to　pass　through　my　hands。　He　soon　found　out
enough　of　me　to　know　that　my　honesty　was　to　be　trusted；　and　that
my　patience　might　be　counted　on；　treat　me　as　he　might。　The　one
insight　into　_his_　character　which　I　obtained；　on　my　side；
widened　the　distance　between　us　to　its　last　limits。　He　was　a
confirmed　opium…eater　in　secreta　prodigal　in　laudanum；　though　a
miser　in　all　besides。　He　never　confessed　his　frailty；　and　I　never
told　him　I　had　found　it　out。　He　had　his　pleasure　apart　from　me；
and　I　had　my　pleasure　apart　from　_him。_　Week　after　week；　month
after　month；　there　we　sat；　without　a　friendly　word　ever　passing
between　usI；　alone　with　my　book　at　the　counter；　he；　alone　with
his　ledger　in　the　parlor；　dimly　visible　to　me　through　the　dirty
window…pane　of　the　glass　door；　sometimes　poring　over　his　figures；
sometimes　lost　and　motionless　for　hours　in　the　ecstasy　of　his
opium　trance。　Time　passed；　and　made　no　impression　on　us；　the
seasons　of　two　years　came　and　went；　and　found　us　still　unchanged。
One　morning；　at　the　opening　of　the　third　year；　my　master　did　not
appear；　as　usual；　to　give　me　my　allowance　for　breakfast。　I　went
upstairs；　and　found　him　helpless　in　his　bed。　He　refused　to　trust
me　with　the　keys　of　the　cupboard；　or　to　let　me　send　for　a　doctor。
I　bought　a　morsel　of　bread；　and　went　back　to　my　books；　with　no
more　feeling　for　_him_　（I　honestly　confess　it）　than　he　would　have
had　for　_me_　under　the　same　circumstances。　An　hour　or　two　later　I
was　roused　from　my　reading　by　an　occasional　customer　of　ours；　a
retired　medical　man。　He　went　upstairs。　I　was　glad　to　get　rid　of
him　and　return　to　my　books。　He　came　down　again；　and　disturbed　me
once　more。　'I　don't　much　like　you；　my　lad；'　he　said；　'but　I　think
it　my　duty　to　say　that　you　will　soon　have　to　shift　for　yourself。
You　are　no　great　favorite　in　the　town；　and　you　may　have　some
difficulty　in　finding　a　new　place。　Provide　yourself　with　a
written　character　from　your　master　before　it　is　too　late。'　He
spoke　to　me　coldly。　I　thanked　him　coldly　on　my　side；　and　got　my
character　the　same　day。　Do　you　think　my　master　let　me　have　it　for
nothing？　Not　he！　He　bargained　with　me　on　his　deathbed。　I　was　his
creditor　for　a　month's　salary；　and　he　wouldn't　write　a　line　of　my
testimonial　until　I　had　first　promised　to　forgive　him　the　debt。
Three　days　afterward　he　died；　enjoying　to　the　last　the　happiness
of　having　overreached　his　shop…man。　'Aha！'　he　whispered；　when　the
doctor　formally　summoned　me　to　take　leave　of　him；　'I　got　you
cheap！'　Was　Ozias　Midwinter's　stick　as　cruel　as　that？　I　think
not。　Well！　there　I　was；　out　on　the　world　again；　but　surely　with
better　prospects　this　time。　I　had　taught　myself　to　read　Latin；
Greek；　and　German；　and　I　had　got　my　written　character　to　speak
for　me。　All　useless！　The　doctor　was　quite　right；　I　was　not　liked
in　the　town。　The　lower　order　of　the　people　despised　me　for
selling　my　services　to　the　miser　at　the　miser's　price。　As　for　the
better　classes；　I　did　with　them　（God　knows　how！）　what　I　have
always　done　with　everybody　except　Mr。　ArmadaleI　produced　a
disagreeable　impression　at　first　sight；　I　couldn't　mend　it
afterward；　and　there　was　an　end　of　me　in　respectable　quarters。　It
is　quite　likely　I　might　have　spent　all　my　savings；　my　puny　little
golden　offspring　of　two　years'　miserable　growth；　but　for　a　school
advertisement　which　I　saw　in　a　local　paper。　The　heartlessly　mean
terms　that　were　offered　encouraged　me　to　apply；　and　I　got　the
place。　How　I　prospered　in　it；　and　what　became　of　me　next；　there
is　no　need　to　tell　you。　The　thread　of　my　story　is　all　wound　off；
my　vagabond　life　stands　stripped　of　its　mystery；　and　you　know　the
worst　of　me　at　last。〃


A　moment　of　silence　followed　those　closing　words。　Midwinter　rose
from　the　window…seat；　and　came　back　to　the　table　with　the　letter
from　Wildbad　in　his　hand。

〃My　father's　confession　has　told　you　who　I　am；　and　my　own
confession　has　told　you　what　my　life　has　been；〃　he　said；
addressing　Mr。　Brock；　without　taking　the　chair　to　which　the
rector　pointed。　〃I　promised　to　make　a　clean　breast　of　it　when　I
first　asked　leave　to　enter　this　room。　Have　I　kept　my　word？〃

〃It　is　impossible　to　doubt　it；〃　replied　Mr。　Brock。　〃You　have
established　your　claim　on　my　confidence　and　my　sympathy。　I　should
be　insensible；　indeed；　if　I　could　know　what　I　now　know　of　your
childhood　and　your　youth；　and　not　feel　something　of　Allan's
kindness　for　Allan's　friend。〃

〃Thank　you；　sir；〃　said　Midwinter；　simply　and　gravely。

He　sat　down　opposite　Mr。　Brook　at　the　table　for　the　first　time。

〃In　a　few　hours　you　will　have　left　this　place；〃　he　proceeded。　〃If
I　can　help　you　to　leave　it　with　your　mind　at　ease；　I　will。　There
is　more　to　be　said　between　us　than　we　have　said　up　to　this　time。
My　future　relations　with　Mr。　Armadale　are　still　left　undecided；
and　the　serious　question　raised　by　my　father's　letter　is　a
question　which　we　have　neither　of　us　faced　yet。〃

He　paused；　and　looked　with　a　momentary　impatience　at　the　candle
still　burning　on　the　table；　in　the　morning　light。　The　struggle　to
speak　with　composure；　and　to　keep　his　own　feelings　stoically　out
of　view；　was　evidently　growing　harder　and　harder　to　him。

〃It　may　possibly　help　your　decision；〃　he　went　on；　〃if　I　tell　you
how　I　determined　to　act　toward　Mr。　Armadalein　the　matter　of　the
similarity　of　our　nameswhen　I　first　read　this　letter；　and　when
I　had　composed　myself　sufficiently　to　be　able　to　think　at　all。〃
He　stopped；　and　cast　a　second　impatient　look　at　the　lighted
candle。　〃Will　you　excuse　the　odd　fancy　of　an　odd　man？〃　he　asked；
with　a　faint　smile。　〃I　want　to　put　out　the　candle：　I　want　to
speak　of　the　new　subject；　in　the　new　light。〃

He　extinguished　the　candle　as　he　spoke；　and　let　the　first
tenderness　of　the　daylight　flow　uninterruptedly　into　the　room。

〃I　must　once　more　ask　your　patience；〃　he　resumed；　〃if　I　return
for　a　moment　to　myself　and　my　circumstances。　I　have　already　told
you　that　my　stepfather　made　an　attempt　to　discover　me　some　years
after　I　had　turned　my　back　on　the　Scotch　school。　He　took　that
step　out　of　no　anxiety　of　his　own；　but　simply　as　the　agent　of　my
father's　trustees。　In　the　exercise　of　their　discretion；　they　had
sold　the　estates　in　Barbadoes　（at　the　time　of　the　emancipation　of
the　slaves；　and　the　ruin　of　West　Indian　property）　for　what　the
estates　would　fetch。　Having　invested　the　proceeds；　they　were
bound　to　set　aside　a　sum　for　my　yearly　education。　This
responsibility　obliged　them　to　make　the　attempt　to　trace　mea
fruitless　attempt；　as　you　already　know。　A　little　later　（as　I　have
been　since　informed）　I　was　publicly　addressed　by　an　advertisement
in　the　newspapers；　which　I　never　saw。　Later　still；　when　I　was
twenty…one；　a　second　advertisement　appeared　（which　I　did　see）
offering　a　reward　for　evidence　of　my　death。　If　I　was　alive；　I　had
a　right　to　my　half　share　of　the　proceeds　of　the　estates　on　coming
of　age；　if　dead；　the　money　reverted　to　my　mother。　I　went　to　the
lawyers；　and　heard　from　them　what　I　have　just　told　you。　After
some　difficulty　in　proving　my　identityand　after　an　interview
with　my　stepfather；　and　a　message　from　my　mother；　which　has
hopelessly　widened　the　old　breach　between　usmy　claim　was
allowed；　and　my　money　is　now　invested　for
　me　in　the　funds；　under　the　name　that　is　really　my　own。〃

Mr。　Brock　drew　eagerly　nearer　to　the　table。　He　saw　the　end　now　to
which　the　speaker　was　tending

〃Twice　a　year；〃　Midwinter　pursued；　〃I　must　sign　my　own　name　to
get　my　own　income。　At　all　other　times；　and　under　all　other
circumstances；　I　may　hide　my　identity　under　any　name　I　please。　As
Ozias　Midwinter；　Mr。　Armadale　first　knew　me；　as　Ozias　Midwinter
he　shall　know　me　to　the　end　of　my　days。　Whatever　may　be　the
result　of　this　interviewwhether　I　win　your　confidence　or
whether　I　lose　itof　one　thing　you　may　feel　sure：　your　pupil
shall　never　know　the　horrible　secret　which　I　have　trusted　to　your
keeping。　This　is　no　extraordinary　resolution；　for；　as　you　know
already；　it　costs　me　no　sacrifice　of　feeling　to　keep　my　assumed
name。　There　is　nothing　in　my　conduct　to　praise；　it　comes
naturally　out　of　the　gratitude　of　a　thankful　man。　Review　the
circumstances　for　yourself；　sir；　and　set　my　own　horror　of
revealing　them　to　Mr。　Armadale　out　of　the　question。　If　the　story
of　the　names　is　ever　told；　there　can　be　no　limiting　it　to　the
disclosure　of　my　father's　crime；　it　must　go　back　to　the　story　of
Mrs。　Armadale's　marriage。　I　have　heard　her　son　talk　of　her；　I
know　how　he　loves　her　memory。　As　God　is　my　witness；　he　shall
never　love　it　less　dearly　through　_me！_〃

Simply　as　the　words　were　spoken；　they　touched　the　deepest
sympathies　in　the　rector's　nature：　they　took　his　thoughts　back　to
Mrs。　Armadale's　deathbed。　There　sat　the　man　against　whom　she　had
ignorantly　warned　him　in　her　son's　interests；　and　that　man；　of
his　own　free…will；　had　laid　on　himself　the　obligation　of
respecting　her　secret　for　her　son's　sake！　The　memory　of　his　own
past　efforts　to　destroy　the　very　friendship　out　of　which　this
resolution　had　sprung　rose　and　reproached　Mr。　Brock。　He　held　out
his　hand　to　Midwinter　for　the　first　time。　〃In　her　name；　and　in
her　son's　name；〃　he　said；　warmly；　〃I　thank　you。〃

Without　replying；　Midwinter　spread　the　confession　open　before　him
on　the　table。

〃I　think　I　have　said　all　that　it　was　my　duty　to　say；〃　he　began；
〃before　we　could　approach　the　consideration　of　this　letter。
Whatever　may　have　appeared　strange　in　my　conduct　toward　you　and
toward　Mr。　Armadale　may　be　now　trusted　to　explain　itself。　You　can
easily　imagine　the　natural　curiosity　and　surprise　that　I　must
have　felt　（ignorant　as　I　then　was　of　the　truth）　when　the　sound　of
Mr。　Armadale's　name　first　startled　me　as　the　echo　of　my　own。　You
will　readily　understand　that　I　only　hesitated　to　tell　him　I　was
his　namesake；　because　I　hesitated　to　damage　my　positionin　your
estimation；　if　not　in　hisby　confessing　that　I　had　come　among
you　under　an　assumed　name。　And；　after　all　that　you　have　just
heard　of　my　vagabond　life　and　my　low　associates；　you　will　hardly
wonder　at　the　obstinate　silence　I　maintained　about　myself；　at　a
time　when　I　did　not　feel　the　sense　of　responsibility　which　my
father's　confession　has　laid　on　me。　We　can　return　to　these　small
personal　explanations；　if　you　wish　it；　at　another　time；　they
cannot　be　suffered　to　keep　us　from　the　greater　interests　which　we
must　settle　before　you　leave　this　place。　We　may　come　now〃　His
voice　faltered；　and　he　suddenly　turned　his　face　toward　the
window；　so　as　to　hide　it　from　the　rector's　view。　〃We　may　come
now；〃　he　repeated；　his　hand　trembling　visibly　as　it　held　the
page；　〃to　the　murder　on　board　the　timber…ship；　and　to　the　warning
that　has　followed　me　from　my　father's　grave。〃

Softlyas　if　he　feared　they　might　reach　Allan