armadale-第93章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


voice；　he　suddenly　_commanded；_　as　only　men　can。

〃　'Sit　down；'　he　said。　'You　have　given　me　back　my　courageyou
shall　know　who　I　am。'

〃In　the　silence　and　the　darkness　all　round　us；　I　obeyed　him；　and
sat　down。

〃In　the　silence　and　the　darkness　all　round　us；　he　took　me　in　his
arms　again；　and　told　me　who　he　was。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　

〃Shall　I　trust　you　with　his　story？　Shall　I　tell　you　his　real
name？　Shall　I　show　you；　as　I　threatened；　the　thoughts　that　have
grown　out　of　my　interview　with　him　and　out　of　all　that　has
happened　to　me　since　that　time？

〃Or　shall　I　keep　his　secret　as　I　promised？　and　keep　my　own　secret
too；　by　bringing　this　weary；　long　letter　to　an　end　at　the　very
moment　when　you　are　burning　to　hear　more！

〃Those　are　serious　questions；　Mrs。　Oldershawmore　serious　than
you　suppose。　I　have　had　time　to　calm　down；　and　I　begin　to　see；
what　I　failed　to　see　when　I　first　took　up　my　pen　to　write　to　you；
the　wisdom　of　looking　at　consequences。　Have　I　frightened　myself
in　trying　to　frighten　_you？_　It　is　possiblestrange　as　it　may
seem；　it　is　really　possible。

〃I　have　been　at　the　window　for　the　last　minute　or　two；　thinking。
There　is　plenty　of　time　for　thinking　before　the　post　leaves。　The
people　are　only　now　coming　out　of　church。

〃I　have　settled　to　put　my　letter　on　one　side；　and　to　take　a　look
at　my　diary。　In　plainer　words　I　must　see　what　I　risk　if　I　decide
on　trusting　you；　and　my　diary　will　show　me　what　my　head　is　too
weary　to　calculate　without　help。　I　have　written　the　story　of　my
days　（and　sometimes　the　story　of　my　nights）　much　more　regularly
than　usual　for　the　last　week；　having　reasons　of　my　own　for　being
particularly　careful　in　this　respect　under　present　circumstances。
If　I　end　in　doing　what　it　is　now　in　my　mind　to　do；　it　would　be
madness　to　trust　to　my　memory。　The　smallest　forgetfulness　of　the
slightest　event　that　has　happened　from　the　night　of　my　interview
with　Midwinter　to　the　present　time　might　be　utter　ruin　to　me。

〃　'Utter　ruin　to　her！'　you　will　say。　'What　kind　of　ruin　does　she
mean？'

〃Wait　a　little；　till　I　have　asked　my　diary　whether　I　can　safely
tell　you。〃

CHAPTER　X。

MISS　GWILT'S　DIARY。

〃July　21st；　Monday　night；　eleven　o'clock。Midwinter　has　just
left　me。　We　parted　by　my　desire　at　the　path　out　of　the　coppice；
he　going　his　way　to　the　hotel；　and　I　going　mine　to　my　lodgings。

〃I　have　managed　to　avoid　making　another　appointment　with　him　by
arranging　to　write　to　him　to…morrow　morning。　This　gives　me　the
night's　interval　to　compose　myself；　and　to　coax　my　mind　back　（if
I　can）　to　my　own　affairs。　Will　the　night　pass；　and　the　morning
find　me　still　thinking　of　the　Letter　that　came　to　him　from　his
father's　deathbed？　of　the　night　he　watched　through　on　the　Wrecked
Ship；　and；　more　than　all；　of　the　first　breathless　moment　when　he
told　me　his　real　Name？

〃Would　it　help　me　to　shake　off　these　impressions；　I　wonder；　if　I
made　the　effort　of　writing　them　down？　There　would　be　no　danger；
in　that　case；　of　my　forgetting　anything　important。　And　perhaps；
after　all；　it　may　be　the　fear　of　forgetting　something　which　I
ought　to　remember　that　keeps　this　story　of　Midwinter's　weighing
as　it　does　on　my　mind。　At　any　rate；　the　experiment　is　worth
trying。　In　my　present　situation　I　_must_　be　free　to　think　of
other　things；　or　I　shall　never　find　my　way　through　all　the
difficulties　at　Thorpe　Ambrose　that　are　still　to　come。

〃Let　me　think。　What　_haunts_　me；　to　begin　with？

〃The　Names　haunt　me。　I　keep　saying　and　saying　to　myself：　Both
alike！Christian　name　and　surname　both　alike！　A　light…haired
Allan　Armadale；　whom　I　have　long　since　known　of；　and　who　is　the
son　of　my　old　mistress。　A　dark…haired　Allan　Armadale；　whom　I　only
know　of　now；　and　who　is　only　known　to　others　under　the　name　of
Ozias　Midwinter。　Stranger　still；　it　is　not　relationship；　it　is
not　chance；　that　has　made　them　namesakes。　The　father　of　the　light
Armadale　was　the　man　who　was　_born_　to　the　family　name；　and　who
lost　the　family　inheritance。　The　father　of　the　dark　Armadale　was
the　man　who　_took_　the　name；　on　condition　of　getting　the
inheritanceand　who　got　it。

〃So　there　are　two　of　themI　can't　help　thinking　of　itboth
unmarried。　The　light…haired　Armadale；　who　offers　to　the　woman　who
can　secure　him；　eight　thousand　a　year　while　he　lives；　who　leaves
her　twelve　hundred　a　year　when　he　dies；　who　must　and　shall　marry
me　for　those　two　golden　reasons；　and　whom　I　hate　and　loathe　as　I
never　hated　and　loathed　a　man　yet。　And　the　dark…haired　Armadale；
who　has　a　poor　little　income；　which　might　perhaps　pay　his　wife's
milliner；　if　his　wife　was　careful；　who　has　just　left　me；
persuaded　that　I　mean　to　marry　him；　and　whomwell；　whom　I
_might_　have　loved　once；　before　I　was　the　woman　I　am　now。

〃And　Allan　the　Fair　doesn't　know　he　has　a　namesake。　And　Allan　the
Dark　has　kept　the　secret　from　everybody　but　the　Somersetshire
clergyman　（whose　discretion　he　can　depend　on）　and　myself。

〃And　there　are　two　Allan　Armadalestwo　Allan　Armadalestwo
Allan　Armadales。　There！　three　is　a　lucky　number。　Haunt　me　again；
after　that；　if　you　can！

〃What　next？　The　murder　in　the　timber　ship？　No；　the　murder　is　a
good　reason　why　the　dark　Armadale；　whose　father　committed　it；
should　keep　his　secret　from　the　fair　Armadale；　whose　father　was
killed；　but　it　doesn't　concern　_me。_　I　remember　there　was　a
suspicion　in　Madeira　at　the　time　of　something　wrong。　_Was_　it
wrong？　Was　the　man　who　had　been　tricked　out　of　his　wife　to　blame
for　shutting　the　cabin　door；　and　leaving　the　man　who　had　tricked
him　to　drown　in　the　wreck？　Yes；　the　woman　wasn't　worth　it。

〃What　am　I　sure　of　that　really　concerns　myself？

〃I　am　sure　of　one　very　important　thing。　I　am　sure　that
MidwinterI　must　call　him　by　his　ugly　false　name；　or　I　may
confuse　the　two　Armadales　before　I　have　doneI　am　sure　that
Midwinter　is　perfectly　ignorant　that　I　and　the　little　imp　of
twelve　years　old　who　waited　o　n　Mrs。　Armadale　in　Madeira；　and
copied　the　letters　that　were　supposed　to　arrive　from　the　West
Indies；　are　one　and　the　same。　There　are　not　many　girls　of　twelve
who　could　have　imitated　a　man's　handwriting；　and　held　their
tongues　about　it　afterward；　as　I　did；　but　that　doesn't　matter
now。　What　does　matter　is　that　Midwinter's　belief　in　the　Dream　is
Midwinter's　only　reason　for　trying　to　connect　me　with　Allan
Armadale；　by　associating　me　with　Allan　Armadale's　father　and
mother。　I　asked　him　if　he　actually　thought　me　old　enough　to　have
known　either　of　them。　And　he　said　No；　poor　fellow；　in　the　most
innocent；　bewildered　way。　Would　he　say　No　if　he　saw　me　now？　Shall
I　turn　to　the　glass　and　see　if　I　look　my　five…and…thirty　years？
or　shall　I　go　on　writing？　I　will　go　on　writing。

〃There　is　one　thing　more　that　haunts　me　almost　as　obstinately　as
the　Names。

〃I　wonder　whether　I　am　right　in　relying　on　Midwinter'
superstition　（as　I　do）　to　help　me　in　keeping　him　at　arms…length。
After　having　let　the　excitement　of　the　moment　hurry　me　into
saying　more　than　I　need　have　said；　he　is　certain　to　press　me；　he
is　certain　to　come　back；　with　a　man's　hateful　selfishness　and
impatience　in　such　things；　to　the　question　of　marrying　me。　Will
the　Dream　help　me　to　check　him？　After　alternately　believing　and
disbelieving　in　it；　he　has　got；　by　his　own　confession；　to
believing　in　it　again。　Can　I　say　I　believe　in　it；　too？　I　have
better　reasons　for　doing　so　than　he　knows　of。　I　am　not　only　the
person　who　helped　Mrs。　Armadale's　marriage　by　helping　her　to
impose　on　her　own　father：　I　am　the　woman　who　tried　to　drown
herself；　the　woman　who　started　the　series　of　accidents　which　put
young　Armadale　in　possession　of　his　fortune；　the　woman　who　has
come　Thorpe　Ambrose　to　marry　him　for　his　fortune；　now　he　has　got
it；　and　more　extraordinary　still；　the　woman　who　stood　in　the
Shadow's　place　at　the　pool！　These　may　be　coincidences；　but　they
are　strange　coincidences。　I　declare　I　begin　to　fancy　that　_I_
believe　in　the　Dream　too！

〃Suppose　I　say　to　him；　'I　think　as　you　think。　I　say　what　you　said
in　your　letter　to　me；　Let　us　part　before　the　harm　is　done。　Leave
me　before　the　Third　Vision　of　the　Dream　comes　true。　Leave　me；　and
put　the　mountains　and　the　seas　between　you　and　the　man　who　bears
your　name！'

〃Suppose；　on　the　other　side；　that　his　love　for　me　makes　him
reckless　of　everything　else？　Suppose　he　says　those　desperate
words　again；　which　I　understand　now：　What　_is_　to　be；　_will_　be。
What　have　I　to　do　with　it；　and　what　has　she？'　Supposesuppose

〃I　won't　write　any　more。　I　hate　writing。　It　doesn't　relieve
meit　makes　me　worse。　I'm　further　from　being　able　to　think　of
all　that　I　_must_　think　of　than　I　was　when　I　sat　down。　It　is　past
midnight。　To…morrow　has　come　already；　and　here　I　am　as　helpless
as　the　stupidest　woman　living！　Bed　is　the　only　fit　place　for　me。

〃Bed？　If　it　was　ten　years　since；　instead　of　to…day；　and　if　I　had
married　Midwinter　for　love；　I　might　be　going　to　bed　now　with
nothing　heavier　on　my　mind　than　a　visit　on　tiptoe　to　the　nursery；
and　a　last　look　at　night　to　see　if　my　children　were　sleeping
quietly　in　their　cribs。　I　wonder　whether　I　should　have　loved　my
children　if　I　had　ever　had　any？　Perhaps；　yesperhaps；　no。　It
doesn't　matter。


〃Tuesday　morning；　ten　o'clock。Who　was　the　man　who　invented
laudanum？　I　thank　him　from　the　bottom　of　my　heart　whoever　he　was。
If　all　the　miserable　wretches　in　pain　of　body　and　mind；　whose
comforter　he　has　been；　could　meet　together　to　sing　his　praises；
what　a　chorus　it　would　be！　I　have　had　six　delicious　hours　of
oblivion；　I　have　woke　up　with　my　mind　composed；　I　have　written　a
perfect　little　letter　to　Midwinter；　I　have　drunk　my　nice　cup　of
tea；　with　a　real　relish　of　it；　I　have　dawdled　over　my　morning
toilet　with　an　exquisite　sense　of　reliefand　all　through　the
modest　little　bottle　of　Drops；　which　I　see　on　my　bedroom
chimney…piece　at　this　moment。　'Drops；'　you　are　a　darling！　If　I
love　nothing　else；　I　love　_you。_

〃My　letter　to　Midwinter　has　been　sent　through　the　post；　and　I
have　told　him　to　reply　to　me　in　the　same　manner。

〃I　feel　no　anxiety　about　his　answerhe　can　only　answer　in　one
way。　I　have　asked　for　a　little　time　to　consider；　because　my
family　circumstances　require　some　consideration；　in　his　interests
as　well　as　in　mine。　I　have　engaged　to　tell　him　what　those
circumstances　are　（what　shall　I　say；　I　wonder？）　when　we　next
meet；　and　I　have　requested　him　in　the　meantime　to　keep　all　that
has　passed　between　us　a　secret　for　the　present。　As　to　what　he　is
to　do　himself　in　the　interval　while　I　am　supposed　to　be
considering；　I　have　left　it　to　his　own　discretionmerely
reminding　him　that　his　attempting　to　see　me　again　（while　our
positions　toward　each　other　cannot　be　openly　avowed）　might　injure
my　reputation。　I　have　offered　to　write　to　him　if　he　wishes　it；
and　I　have　ended　by　promising　to　make　the　interval　of　our
necessary　separation　as　short　as　I　can。

〃This　sort　of　plain；　unaffected　letterwhich　I　might　have
written　to　him　last　night；　if　his　story　had　not　been　running　in
my　head　as　it　didhas　one　defect；　I　know。　It　certainly　keeps　him
out　of　the　way；　while　I　am　casting　my　net；　and　catching　my　gold
fish　at　the　great　house　for　the　second　time；　but　it　also　leaves
an　awkward　day　of　reckoning　to　come　with　Midwinter　if　I　succeed。
How　am　I　to　manage　him？　What