armadale-第94章

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an　awkward　day　of　reckoning　to　come　with　Midwinter　if　I　succeed。
How　am　I　to　manage　him？　What　am　I　to　do？　I　ought　to　face　those
two　questions　as　boldly　as　usual；　but　somehow　my　courage　seems　to
fail　me；　and　I　don't　quite　fancy　meeting　_that_　difficulty；　till
the　time　comes　when　it　_must_　be　met。　Shall　I　confess　to　my　diary
that　I　am　sorry　for　Midwinter；　and　that　I　shrink　a　little　from
thinking　of　the　day　when　he　hears　that　I　am　going　to　be　mistress
at　the　great　house？

〃But　I　am　not　mistress　yet；　and　I　can't　take　a　step　in　the
direction　of　the　great　house　till　I　have　got　the　answer　to　my
letter；　and　till　I　know　that　Midwinter　is　out　of　the　way。
Patience！　patience！　I　must　go　and　forget　myself　at　my　piano。
There　is　the　'Moonlight　Sonata'　open；　and　tempting　me；　on　the
music…stand。　Have　I　nerve　enough　to　play　it；　I　wonder？　Or　will　it
set　me　shuddering　with　the　mystery　and　terror　of　it；　as　it　did
the　other　day？


〃Five　o'clock。I　have　got　his　answer。　The　slightest　request　I
can　make　is　a　command　to　him。　He　has　gone；　and　he　sends　me　his
address　in　London。　'There　are　two　considerations'　（he　says）
'which　help　to　reconcile　me　to　leaving　you。　The　first　is　that
_you_　wish　it；　and　that　it　is　only　to　be　for　a　little　while。　The
second　is　that　I　think　I　can　make　some　arrangements　in　London　for
adding　to　my　income　by　my　own　labor。　I　have　never　cared　for　money
for　myself；　but　you　don't　know　how　I　am　beginning　already　to
prize　the　luxuries　and　refinements　that　money　can　provide；　for　my
wife's　sake。'　Poor　fellow！　I　almost　wish　I　had　not　written　to　him
as　I　did；　I　almost　wish　I　had　not　sent　him　away　from　me。

〃Fancy　if　Mother　Oldershaw　saw　this　page　in　my　diary！　I　have　had
a　letter　from　her　this　morninga　letter　to　remind　me　of　my
obligations；　and　to　tell　me　she　suspects　things　are　all　going
wrong。　Let　her　suspect！　I　shan't　trouble　myself　to　answer；　I
can't　be　worried　with　that　old　wretch　in　the　state　I　am　in　now。

〃It　is　a　lovely　afternoonI　want　a　walkI　mustn't　think　of
Midwinter。　Suppose　I　put　on　my　bonnet；　and　try　my　experiment　at
once　at　the　great　house？　Everything　is　in　my　favor。　There　is　no
spy　to　follow　me；　and　no　lawyer　to　keep　me　out；　this　time。　Am　I
handsome　enough；　today？　Well；　yes；　handsome　enough　to　be　a　match
for　a　little　dowdy；　awkward；　freckled　creature；　who　ought　to　be
perched　on　a　form　at　school；　and　strapped　to　a　backboard　to
straighten　her　crooked　shoulders。

　　　　　〃　'The　nursery　lisps　out　in　all　they　utter；
　　　　　　　　Besides；　they　always　smell　of　bread…and…butter。'

〃How　admirably　Byron　has　described　girls　in　their　teens！


〃Eight　o'clock。I　have　just　got　back　from　Armadale's　house。　I
have　seen　him；　and　spoken　to　him；　and　the　end　of　it　may　be　set
down　in　three　plain　words。　I　have　failed。　There　is　no　more　chance
of　my　being　Mrs。　Armadale　of　Thorpe　Ambrose　than　there　is　of　my
being　Queen　of　England。

〃Shall　I　write　and　tell　Oldershaw？　Shall　I　go　back　to　London？　Not
till　I　have　had　time　to　think　a　little。　N　ot　just　yet。

〃Let　me　think；　I　have　failed　completelyfailed；　with　all　the
circumstances　in　favor　of　success。　I　caught　him　alone　on　the
drive　in　front　of　the　house。　He　was　excessively　disconcerted；　but
at　the　same　time　quite　willing　to　hear　me。　I　tried　him；　first
quietlythen　with　tears；　and　the　rest　of　it。　I　introduced　myself
in　the　character　of　the　poor　innocent　woman　whom　he　had　been　the
means　of　injuring。　I　confused；　I　interested；　I　convinced　him。　I
went　on　to　the　purely　Christian　part　of　my　errand；　and　spoke　with
such　feeling　of　his　separation　from　his　friend；　for　which　I　was
innocently　responsible；　that　I　turned　his　odious　rosy　face　quite
pale；　and　made　him　beg　me　at　last　not　to　distress　him。　But；
whatever　other　feelings　I　roused　in　him；　I　never　once　roused　his
old　feeling　for　_me。_　I　saw　it　in　his　eyes　when　he　looked　at　me；
I　felt　it　in　his　fingers　when　we　shook　hands。　We　parted　friends；
and　nothing　more。

〃It　is　for　this；　is　it；　Miss　Milroy；　that　I　resisted　temptation；
morning　after　morning；　when　I　knew　you　were　out　alone　in　the
park？　I　have　just　left　you　time　to　slip　in；　and　take　my　place　in
Armadale's　good　graces；　have　I？　I　never　resisted　temptation　yet
without　suffering　for　it　in　some　such　way　as　this！　If　I　had　only
followed　my　first　thoughts；　on　the　day　when　I　took　leave　of　you；
my　young　ladywell；　well；　never　mind　that　now。　I　have　got　the
future　before　me；　you　are　not　Mrs。　Armadale　yet！　And　I　can　tell
you　one　other　thingwhoever　else　he　marries；　he　will　never　marry
_you。_　If　I　am　even　with　you　in　no　other　way；　trust　me；　whatever
comes　of　it；　to　be　even　with　you　there！

〃I　am　not；　to　my　own　surprise；　in　one　of　my　furious　passions。　The
last　time　I　was　in　this　perfectly　cool　state；　under　serious
provocation；　something　came　of　it；　which　I　daren't　write　down；
even　in　my　own　private　diary。　I　shouldn't　be　surprised　if
something　comes　of　it　now。

〃On　my　way　back；　I　called　at　Mr。　Bashwood's　lodgings　in　the　town。
He　was　not　at　home；　and　I　left　a　message　telling　him　to　come　here
tonight　and　speak　to　me。　I　mean　to　relieve　him　at　once　of　the
duty　of　looking　after　Armadale　and　Miss　Milroy。　I　may　not　see　my
way　yet　to　ruining　her　prospects　at　Thorpe　Ambrose　as　completely
as　she　has　ruined　mine。　But　when　the　time　comes；　and　I　do　see　it；
I　don't　know　to　what　lengths　my　sense　of　injury　may　take　me；　and
there　may　be　inconvenience；　and　possibly　danger；　in　having　such　a
chicken…hearted　creature　as　Mr。　Bashwood　in　my　confidence。

〃I　suspect　I　am　more　upset　by　all　this　than　I　supposed。
Midwinter's　story　is　beginning　to　haunt　me　again；　without　rhyme
or　reason。

〃A　soft；　quick；　trembling　knock　at　the　street　door！　I　know　who　it
is。　No　hand　but　old　Bashwood's　could　knock　in　that　way。


〃Nine　o'clock。I　have　just　got　rid　of　him。　He　has　surprised　me
by　coming　out　in　a　new　character。

〃It　seems　（though　I　didn't　detect　him）　that　he　was　at　the　great
house　while　I　was　in　company　with　Armadale。　He　saw　us　talking　on
the　drive；　and　he　afterward　heard　what　the　servants　said；　who　saw
us　too。　The　wise　opinion　below　stairs　is　that　we　have　'made　it
up；'　and　that　the　master　is　likely　to　marry　me　after　all。　'He's
sweet　on　her　red　hair；'　was　the　elegant　expression　they　used　in
the　kitchen。　'Little　missie　can't　match　her　there；　and　little
missie　will　get　the　worst　of　it。'　How　I　hate　the　coarse　ways　of
the　lower　orders！

〃While　old　Bashwood　was　telling　me　this；　I　thought　he　looked　even
more　confused　and　nervous　than　usual。　But　I　failed　to　see　what
was　really　the　matter　until　after　I　had　told　him　that　he　was　to
leave　all　further　observation　of　Mr。　Armadale　and　Miss　Milroy　to
me。　Every　drop　of　the　little　blood　there　is　in　the　feeble　old
creature's　body　seemed　to　fly　up　into　his　face。　He　made　quite　an
overpowering　effort；　he　really　looked　as　if　he　would　drop　down
dead　of　fright　at　his　own　boldness；　but　be　forced　out　the
question　for　all　that；　stammering；　and　stuttering；　and　kneading
desperately　with　both　hands　at　the　brim　of　his　hideous　great　hat。
'I　beg　your　pardon；　Miss　Gwi…Gwi…Gwilt！　You　are　not　really
go…go…going　to　marry　Mr。　Armadale；　are　you？　Jealousif　ever　I
saw　it　in　a　man's　face　yet；　I　saw　it　in　hisactually　jealous　of
Armadale　at　his　age！　If　I　had　been　in　the　humor　for　it；　I　should
have　burst　out　laughing　in　his　face。　As　it　was；　I　was　angry；　and
lost　all　patience　with　him。　I　told　him　he　was　an　old　fool；　and
ordered　him　to　go　on　quietly　with　his　usual　business　until　I　sent
him　word　that　he　was　wanted　again。　He　submitted　as　usual；　but
there　was　an　indescribable　something　in　his　watery　old　eyes；　when
he　took　leave　of　me；　which　I　have　never　noticed　in　them　before。
Love　has　the　credit　of　working　all　sorts　of　strange
transformations。　Can　it　be　really　possible　that　Love　has　made　Mr。
Bashwood　man　enough　to　be　angry　with　me？

〃Wednesday。My　experience　of　Miss　Milroy's　habits　suggested　a
suspicion　to　me　last　night　which　I　thought　it　desirable　to　clear
up　this　morning。

〃It　was　always　her　way；　when　I　was　at　the　cottage；　to　take　a　walk
early　in　the　morning　before　breakfast。　Considering　that　I　used
often　to　choose　that　very　time　for　_my_　private　meetings　with
Armadale；　it　struck　me　as　likely　that　my　former　pupil　might　be
taking　a　leaf　out　of　my　book；　and　that　I　might　make　some
desirable　discoveries　if　I　turned　my　steps　in　the　direction　of
the　major's　garden　at　the　right　hour。　I　deprived　myself　of　my
Drops；　to　make　sure　of　waking；　passed　a　miserable　night　in
consequence；　and　was　ready　enough　to　get　up　at　six　o'clock；　and
walk　the　distance　from　my　lodgings　to　the　cottage　in　the　fresh
morning　air。

〃I　had　not　been　five　minutes　on　the　park　side　of　the　garden
inclosure　before　I　sat　her　come　out。

〃She　seemed　to　have　had　a　bad　night　too；　her　eyes　were　heavy　and
red；　and　her　lips　and　cheeks　looked　swollen　as　if　she　had　been
crying。　There　was　something　on　her　mind；　evidently；　something；　as
it　soon　appeared；　to　take　her　out　of　the　garden　into　the　park。
She　walked　（if　one　can　call　it　walking；　with　such　legs　as　hers！）
straight　to　the　summer　house；　and　opened　the　door；　and　crossed
the　bridge；　and　went　on　quicker　and　quicker　toward　the　low　ground
in　the　park；　where　the　trees　are　thickest。　I　followed　her　over
the　open　space　with　perfect　impunity　in　the　preoccupied　state　she
was　in；　and；　when　she　began　to　slacken　her　pace　among　the　trees；
I　was　among　the　trees　too；　and　was　not　afraid　of　her　seeing　me。

〃Before　long；　there　was　a　crackling　and　trampling　of　heavy　feet
coming　up　toward　us　through　the　under…wood　in　a　deep　dip　of　the
ground。　I　knew　that　step　as　well　as　she　knew　it。　'Here　I　am；'　she
said；　in　a　faint　little　voice。　I　kept　behind　the　trees　a　few
yards　off；　in　some　doubt　on　which　side　Armadale　would　come　out　of
the　under…wood　to　join　her。　He　came　out　up　the　side　of　the　dell；
opposite　to　the　tree　behind　which　I　was　standing。　They　sat　down
together　on　the　bank。　I　sat　down　behind　the　tree；　and　looked　at
them　through　the　under…wood；　and　heard　without　the　slightest
difficulty　every　word　that　they　said。

〃The　talk　began　by　his　noticing　that　she　looked　out　of　spirits；
and　asking　if　anything　had　gone　wrong　at　the　cottage。　The　artful
little　minx　lost　no　time　in　making　the　necessary　impression　on
him；　she　began　to　cry。　He　took　her　hand；　of　course；　and　tried；　in
his　brutishly　straightforward　way；　to　comfort　her。　No；　she　was
not　to　be　comforted。　A　miserable　prospect　was　before　her；　she　had
not　slept　the　whole　night　for　thinking　of　it。　Her　father　had
called　her　into　his　room　the　previous　evening；　had　spoken　about
the　state　of　her　education；　and　had　told　her　in　so　many　words
that　she　was　to　go　to　school。　The　place　had　been　found；　and　the
terms　had　been　settled；　and　as　soon　as　her　clothes　could　he　got
ready；　miss　was　to　go。

〃　'While　that　hateful　Miss　Gwilt　was　in　the　house；'　says　this
model　young　person；　'I　would　have　gone　to　school　willinglyI
wanted　to　go。　But　it's　all　different　now；　I　don't　think　of　it　in
the　same　way；　I　feel　too　old　for　school。　I'm　quite　heart…broken；
Mr。　Armadale。'　There　she　stopped　as　if　she　had　meant　to　say　more；
and　gave　him　a　look　which　finished　the　sentence　plainly：　'I'm
quite　heart…broken；　Mr。　Armadale；　now　we　are　friendly　again；　at
going　away　from　you！'　For　d　ownright　brazen　impudenc