armadale-第98章

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〃I　came　to　the　lastthe　letter　he　wrote　to　encourage　me；　when　I
hesitated　as　the　terrible　time　came　nearer　and　nearer；　the　letter
that　revived　me　when　my　resolution　failed　at　the　eleventh　hour。　I
read　on；　line　after　line；　till　I　came　to　these　words：


〃　'。　。　。　I　really　have　no　patience　with　such　absurdities　as　you
have　written　to　me。　You　say　I　am　driving　you　on　to　do　what　is
beyond　a　woman's　courage。　Am　I？　I　might　refer　you　to　any
collection　of　Trials；　English　or　foreign。　to　show　that　you　were
utterly　wrong。　But　such　collections　may　be　beyond　your　reach；　and
I　will　only　refer　you　to　a　case　in　yesterday's　newspaper。　The
circumstances　are　totally　different　from　our　circumstances；　but
the　example　of　resolution　in　a　woman　is　an　example　worth　your
notice。

〃　'You　will　find；　among　the　law　reports；　a　married　woman　charged
with　fraudulently　representing　herself　to　be　the　missing　widow　of
an　officer　in　the　merchant　service；　who　was　supposed　to　have　been
drowned。　The　name　of　the　prisoner's　husband　（living）　and　the　name
of　the　officer　（a　very　common　one；　both　as　to　Christian　and
surname）　happened　to　be　identically　the　same。　There　was　money　to
be　got　by　it　（sorely　wanted　by　the　prisoner's　husband；　to　whom
she　was　devotedly　attached）；　if　the　fraud　had　succeeded。　The
woman　took　it　all　on　herself。　Her　husband　was　helpless　and　ill；
and　the　bailiffs　were　after　him。　The　circumstances；　as　you　may
read　for　yourself；　were　all　in　her　favor；　and　were　so　well
managed　by　her　that　the　lawyers　themselves　acknowledged　she　might
have　succeeded；　if　the　supposed　drowned　man　had　not　turned　up
alive　and　well　in　the　nick　of　time　to　confront　her。　The　scene
took　place　at　the　lawyer's　office；　and　came　out　in　the　evidence
at　the　police　court。　The　woman　was　handsome；　and　the　sailor　was　a
good…natured　man。　He　wanted；　at　first；　if　the　lawyers　would　have
allowed　him；　to　let　her　off。　He　said　to　her；　among　other　things：
〃You　didn't　count　on　the　drowned　man　coming　back；　alive　and
hearty；　did　you；　ma'am？〃　〃It's　lucky　for　you；〃　she　said；　〃I
didn't　count　on　it。　You　have　escaped　the　sea；　but　you　wouldn't
have　escaped　_me。_〃　〃Why；　what　would　you　have　done；　if　you　_had_
known　I　was　coming　back？〃　says　the　sailor。　She　looked　him
steadily　in　the　face；　and　answered：　〃I　would　have　killed　you。〃
There！　Do　you　think　such　a　woman　as　that　would　have　written　to
tell　me　I　was　pressing　her　further　than　she　had　courage　to　go？　A
handsome　woman；　too；　like　yourself。　You　would　drive　some　men　in
my　position　to　wish　they　had　her　now　in　your　place。'


〃I　read　no　further。　When　I　had　got　on；　line　by　line；　to　those
words；　it　burst　on　me　like　a　flash　of　lightning。　In　an　instant　I
saw　it　as　plainly　as　I　see　it　now。　It　is　horrible；　it　is　unheard
of；　it　outdares　all　daring；　but；　if　I　can　only　nerve　myself　to
face　one　terrible　necessity；　it　is　to　be　done。　_I　may　personate
the　richly　provided　widow　of　Allan　Armadale　of　Thorpe　Ambrose；　if
I　can　count　on　Allan　Armadale's　death　in　a　given　time。_

〃There；　in　plain　words；　is　the　frightful　temptation　under　which　I
now　feel　myself　sinking。　It　is　frightful　in　more　ways　than　one；
for　it　has　come　straight　out　of　that　other　temptation　to　which　I
yielded　in　the　by…gone　time。

〃Yes；　there　the　letter　has　been　waiting　for　me　in　my　box；　to
serve　a　purpose　never　thought　of　by　the　villain　who　wrote　it。
There　is　the　Case；　as　he　called　itonly　quoted　to　taunt　me；
utterly　unlike　my　own　case　at　the　timethere　it　has　been；
waiting　and　lurking　for　me　through　all　the　changes　in　my　life；
till　it　has　come　to　be　like　_my_　case　at　last。

〃It　might　startle　any　woman　to　see　this；　and　even　this　is　not　the
worst。　The　whole　thing　has　been　in　my　Diary；　for　days　past；
without　my　knowing　it！　Every　idle　fancy　that　escaped　me　has　been
tending　secretly　that　one　way！　And　I　never　saw；　never　suspected
it；　till　the　reading　of　the　letter　put　my　own　thoughts　before　me
in　a　new　lighttill　I　saw　the　shadow　of　my　own　circumstances
suddenly　reflected　in　one　special　circumstance　of　that　other
woman's　case！

〃It　is　to　be　done；　if　I　can　but　look　the　necessity　in　the　face。
It　is　to　be　done；　_if　I　can　count　on　Allan　Armadale's　death　in　a
given　time。_

〃All　but　his　death　is　easy。　The　whole　series　of　events　under
which　I　have　been　blindly　chafing　and　fretting　for　more　than　a
week　past　have　been；　one　and　allthough　I　was　too　stupid　to　see
itevents　in　my　favor；　events　paving　the　way　smoothly　and　more
smoothly　straight　to　the　end。

〃In　three　bold　stepsonly　three！that　end　might　be　reached。　Let
Midwinter　marry　me　privately；　under　his　real　namestep　the
first！　Let　Armadale　leave　Thorpe　Ambrose　a　single　man；　and　die　in
some　distant　place　among　strangersstep　the　second！

〃Why　am　I　hesitating？　Why　not　go　on　to　step　the　third；　and　last？

〃I　_will_　go　on。　Step　the　third；　and　last；　is　my　appearance；
after　the　announcement　of　Armadale's　death　has　reached　this
neighborhood；　in　the　character　of　Armadale's　widow；　with　my
marriage　certificate　in　my　hand　to　prove　my　claim。　It　is　as　clear
as　the　sun　at　noonday。　Thanks　to　the　exact　similarity　between　the
two　names；　and　thanks　to　the　careful　manner　in　which　the　secret
of　that　similarity　has　been　kept；　I　may　be　the　wife　of　the　dark
Allan　Armadale；　known　as　such　to　nobody　but　my　husband　and
myself；　and　I　may；　out　of　that　very　position；　claim　the　character
of　widow　of　the　light　Allan　Armadale；　with　proof　to　support　me
（in　the　shape　of　my　marriage　certificate）　which　would　be　proof　in
the　estimation　of　the　most　incredulous　person　living。

〃To　think　of　my　having　put　all　this　in　my　Diary！　To　think　of　my
having　actually　contemplated　this　very　situation；　and　having　seen
nothing　more　in　it；　at　the　time；　than　a　reason　（if　I　married
Midwinter）　for　consenting　to　appear　in　the　world　under　my
husband's　assumed　name！

〃What　is　it　daunts　me？　The　dread　of　obstacles？　The　fear　of
discovery？

〃Where　are　the　obstacles？　Where　is　the　fear　of　discovery？

〃I　am　actually　suspected　all　over　the　neighborhood　of　intriguing
to　be　mistress　of　Thorpe　Ambrose。　I　am　the　only　person　who　knows
the　real　turn　that　Armadale's　inclinations　have　taken。　Not　a
creature　but　myself　is　as　yet　aware　of　his　early　morning　meetings
with　Miss　Milroy。　If　it　is　necessary　to　part　them；　I　can　do　it　at
any　moment　by　an　anonymous　line　to　the　major。　If　it　is　necessary
to　remove　Armadale　from　Thorpe　Ambrose；　I　can　get　him　away　at
three　days'　notice。　His　own　lips　informed　me；　when　I　last　spoke
to　him；　that　he　would　go　to　the　ends　of　the　earth　to　be　friends
again　with　Midwinter；　if　Midwinter　would　let　him。　I　have　only　to
tell　Midwinter　to　write　from　London；　and　ask　to　be　reconciled；
and　Midwinter　would　obey　meand　to　London　Armadale　would　go。
Every　difficulty；　at　starting；　is　smoothed　over　ready　to　my　hand。
Every　after…difficulty　I　could　manage　for　myself。　In　the　whole
venturedesperate　as　it　looks　to　pass　myself　off　for　the　widow
of　one　man；　while　I　am　all　the　while　the　wife　of　the　otherthere
is　absolutely　no　necessity　that　wants　twice　considering；　but　the
one　terrible　necessity　of　Armadale's　death。

〃His　death！　It　might　be　a　terrible　necessity　to　any　other　woman；
but　is　it；　ought　it　to　be　terrible　to　Me？

〃I　hate　him　for　his　mother's　sake。　I　hate　him　for　his　own　sake。　I
hate　him　for　going　to　London　behind　my　back；　and　making　inquiries
about　me。　I　hate　him　for　forcing　me　out　of　my　situation　before　I
wanted　to　go。　I　hate　him　for　destroying　all　my　hopes　of　marrying
him；　and　throwing　me　back　helpless　on　my　own　miserable　life。　But；
oh；　after　what　I　have　done　already　in　the　past　time；　how　can　I？
how　can　I？

〃The　girl；　toothe　girl　who　has　come　between　us；　who　has　taken
him　away　from　me；　who　has　openly　insulted　me　this　very　dayhow
the　girl　whose　heart　is　set　on　him　would　feel　it　if　he　　died！　What
a　vengeance　on　_her；_　if　I　did　it！　And　when　I　was　received　as
Armadale's　widow　what　a　triumph　fo　r　_me。_　Triumph！　It　is　more
than　triumphit　is　the　salvation　of　me。　A　name　that　can't　be
assailed；　a　station　that　can't　be　assailed；　to　hide　myself　in
from　my　past　life！　Comfort；　luxury；　wealth！　An　income　of　twelve
hundred　a　year　secured　to　me　secured　by　a　will　which　has　been
looked　at　by　a　lawyer：　secured　independently　of　anything　Armadale
can　say　or　do　himself！　I　never　had　twelve　hundred　a　year。　At　my
luckiest　time；　I　never　had　half　as　much；　really　my　own。　What　have
I　got　now？　Just　five　pounds　left　in　the　worldand　the　prospect
next　week　of　a　debtor's　prison。

〃But；　oh；　after　what　I　have　done　already　in　the　past　time；　how
can　I？　how　can　I？

〃Some　womenin　my　place；　and　with　my　recollections　to　look　back
onwould　feel　it　differently。　Some　women　would　say；　'It's　easier
the　second　time　than　the　first。'　Why　can't　I？　why　can't　I？

〃Oh；　you　Devil　tempting　me；　is　there　no　Angel　near　to　raise　some
timely　obstacle　between　this　and　to…morrow　which　might　help　me　to
give　it　up？

〃I　shall　sink　under　itI　shall　sink；　if　I　write　or　think　of　it
any　more！　I'll　shut　up　these　leaves　and　go　out　again。　I'll　get
some　common　person　to　come　with　me；　and　we　will　talk　of　common
things。　I'll　take　out　the　woman　of　the　house；　and　her　children。
We　will　go　and　see　something。　There　is　a　show　of　some　kind　in　the
townI'll　treat　them　to　it。　I'm　not　such　an　ill…natured　woman
when　I　try；　and　the　landlady　has　really　been　kind　to　me。　Surely　I
might　occupy　my　mind　a　little　in　seeing　her　and　her　children
enjoying　themselves。


〃A　minute　since；　I　shut　up　these　leaves　as　I　said　I　would；　and
now　I　have　opened　them　again；　I　don't　know　why。　I　think　my　brain
is　turned。　I　feel　as　if　something　was　lost　out　of　my　mind；　I　feel
as　if　I　ought　to　find　it　here

〃I　have　found　it！　_Midwinter！！！_

〃Is　it　possible　that　I　can　have　been　thinking　of　the　reasons　For
and　Against；　for　an　hour　pastwriting　Midwinter's　name　over　and
over　againspeculating　seriously　on　marrying　himand　all　the
time　not　once　remembering　that；　even　with　every　other　impediment
removed；　_he_　alone；　when　the　time　came；　would　be　an
insurmountable　obstacle　in　my　way？　Has　the　effort　to　face　the
consideration　of　Armadale's　death　absorbed　me　to　_that_　degree？　I
suppose　it　has。　I　can't　account　for　such　extraordinary
forgetfulness　on　my　part　in　any　other　way。

〃Shall　I　stop　and　think　it　out；　as　I　have　thought　out　all　the
rest？　Shall　I　ask　myself　if　the　obstacle　of　Midwinter　would；
after　all；　when　the　time　came；　be　the　unmanageable　obstacle　that
it　looks　at　present？　No！　What　need　is　there　to　think　of　it？　I
have　made　up　my　mind　to　get　the　better　of　the　temptation。　I　have
made　up　my　mind　to　give　my　landlady　and　her　children　a　treat；　I
have　made　up　my　mind　to　close　my　Diary。　And　closed　it　shall　be。


〃Six　o'clock。The　landlady's　gossip　is　unendurable；　the
landlady's　children　distract　me。　I　have　left　them　to　run　back
here　before　post　time　and　write　a　line　to　Mrs。　Oldershaw。

〃The　dread　that　I　shall　sink　under　the　temptation　has　grown
stronger　and　stronger　on　me。　I　have　determined　to　put　it　beyond
my　power　to　have　my　own　way　and　follow　my　own　will。　Mother
Oldershaw　shall　be　the　salvation　of　me　for　the　first　time　since　I
have　known　her。　If　I　can't　pay　my　note　of　hand；　she　threatens　me
with　an　arrest。　Well；　she　_shall_　arrest　me。　In　the　state　my　mind
is　in　now；　the　best　thing　that　c