armadale-第99章

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with　an　arrest。　Well；　she　_shall_　arrest　me。　In　the　state　my　mind
is　in　now；　the　best　thing　that　can　happen　to　me　is　to　be　taken
away　from　Thorpe　Ambrose；　whether　I　like　it　or　not。　I　will　write
and　say　that　I　am　to　be　found　here　I　will　write　and　tell　her；　in
so　many　words；　that　the　best　service　she　can　render　me　is　to　lock
me　up。


〃Seven　o'clock。The　letter　has　gone　to　the　post。　I　had　begun　to
feel　a　little　easier；　when　the　children　came　in　to　thank　me　for
taking　them　to　the　show。　One　of　them　is　a　girl；　and　the　girl
upset　me。　She　is　a　forward　child；　and　her　hair　is　nearly　the
color　of　mine。　She　said；　'I　shall　be　like　you　when　I　have　grown
bigger；　shan't　I？'　Her　idiot　of　a　mother　said；　'Please　to　excuse
her；　miss；'　and　took　her　out　of　the　room；　laughing。　Like　me！　I
don't　pretend　to　be　fond　of　the　child；　but　think　of　her　being
like　Me！


〃Saturday　morning。I　have　done　well　for　once　in　acting　on
impulse；　and　writing　as　I　did　to　Mrs。　Oldershaw。　The　only　new
circumstance　that　has　happened　is　another　circumstance　in　my
favor！

〃Major　Milroy　has　answered　Armadale's　letter；　entreating
permission　to　call　at　the　cottage　and　justify　himself。　His
daughter　read　it　in　silence；　when　Armadale　handed　it　to　her　at
their　meeting　this　morning；　in　the　park。　But　they　talked　about　it
afterward；　loud　enough　for　me　to　hear　them。　The　major　persists　in
the　course　he　has　taken。　He　says　his　opinion　of　Armadale's
conduct　has　been　formed；　not　on　common　report；　but　on　Armadale's
own　letters；　and　he　sees　no　reason　to　alter　the　conclusion　at
which　he　arrived　when　the　correspondence　between　them　was　closed。

〃This　little　matter　had；　I　confess；　slipped　out　of　my　memory。　It
might　have　ended　awkwardly　for　_me。_　If　Major　Milroy　had　been
less　obstinately　wedded　to　his　own　opinion；　Armadale　might　have
justified　himself；　the　marriage　engagement　might　have　been
acknowledged；　and　all　_my_　power　of　influencing　the　matter　might
have　been　at　an　end。　As　it　is；　they　must　continue　to　keep　the
engagement　strictly　secret；　and　Miss　Milroy；　who　has　never
ventured　herself　near　the　great　house　since　the　thunder…storm
forced　her　into　it　for　shelter；　will　be　less　likely　than　ever　to
venture　there　now。　I　can　part　them　when　I　please；　with　an
anonymous　line　to　the　major；　I　can　part　them　when　I　please！

〃After　having　discussed　the　letter；　the　talk　between　them　turned
on　what　they　were　to　do　next。　Major　Milroy's　severity；　as　it　soon
appeared；　produced　the　usual　results。　Armadale　returned　to　the
subject　of　the　elopement；　and　this　time　she　listened　to　him。
There　is　everything　to　drive　her　to　it。　Her　outfit　of　clothes　is
nearly　ready；　and　the　summer　holidays；　at　the　school　which　has
been　chosen　for　her；　end　at　the　end　of　next　week。　When　I　left
them；　they　had　decided　to　meet　again　and　settle　something　on
Monday。

〃The　last　words　I　heard　him　address　to　her；　before　I　went　away；
shook　me　a　little。　He　said：　'There　is　one　difficulty；　Neelie；
that　needn't　trouble　us；　at　any　rate。　I　have　got　plenty　of
money。'　And　then　he　kissed　her。　The　way　to　his　life　began　to　look
an　easier　way　to　me　when　he　talked　of　his　money；　and　kissed　her。

〃Some　hours　have　passed；　and　the　more　I　think　of　it；　the　more　I
fear　the　blank　interval　between　this　time　and　the　time　when　Mrs。
Oldershaw　calls　in　the　law；　and　protects　me　against　myself。　It
might　have　been　better　if　I　had　stopped　at　home　this　morning。　But
how　could　I？　After　the　insult　she　offered　me　yesterday；　I　tingled
all　over　to　go　and　look　at　her。

〃To…day；　Sunday；　Monday；　Tuesday。　They　can't　arrest　me　for　the
money　before　Wednesday。　And　my　miserable　five　pounds　are
dwindling　to　four！　And　he　told　her　he　had　plenty　of　money！　And
she　blushed　and　trembled　when　he　kissed　her。　It　might　have　been
better　for　him；　better　for　her；　and　better　for　me；　if　my　debt　had
fallen　due　yesterday；　and　if　the　bailiffs　had　their　hands　on　me
at　this　moment。

〃Suppose　I　had　the　means　of　leaving　Thorpe　Ambrose　by　the　next
train；　and　going　somewhere　abroad；　and　absorbing　myself　in　some
new　interest；　among　new　people。　Could　I　do　it；　rather　than　look
again　at　that　easy　way　to　his　life　which　would　smooth　the　way　to
everything　else？

〃Perhaps　I　might。　But　where　is　the　money　to　come　from？　Surely
some　way　of　getting　it　struck　me　a　day　or　two　since？　Yes；　that
mean　idea　of　asking　Armadale　to　help　me！　Well；　I　_will_　be　mean
for　once。　I'll　give　him　the　chance　of　making　a　generous　use　of
that　well…filled　purse　which　it　is　such　a　comfort　to　him　to
reflect　on　in　his　present　circumstances。　It　would　soften　my　heart
toward　any　man　if　he　lent　me　money　in　my　present　extremity；　and；
if　Armadale　lends　me　money；　it　might　soften　my　heart　toward　him。
When　shall　I　go？　At　once！　I　won't　give　myself　time　to　feel　the
degradation　of　it；　and　to　change　my　mind。


〃Three　'clock。I　mark　the　hour。　He　has　sealed　his　own　doom。　He
has　insulted　me。

〃Yes！　I　have　suffered　it　once　from　Miss　Milroy。　And　I　have　now
suffered　it　a　second　time　from　Arm　adale　himself。　An　insulta
marked；　merciless；　deliberate　insult　in　the　open　day！

〃I　had　got　through　the　town；　and　had　advanced　a　few　hundred　yards
along　the　road　that　leads　to　the　great　house；　when　I　saw　Armadale
at　a　little　distance；　coming　toward　me。　He　was　walking
fastevidently　with　some　errand　of　his　own　to　take　him　to　the
town。　The　instant　he　caught　sight　of　me　he　stopped；　colored　up；
took　off　his　hat；　hesitated；　and　turned　aside　down　a　lane　behind
him；　which　I　happen　to　know　would　take　him　exactly　in　the
contrary　direction　to　the　direction　in　which　he　was　walking　when
he　first　saw　me。　His　conduct　said　in　so　many　words；　'Miss　Milroy
may　hear　of　it；　I　daren't　run　the　risk　of　being　seen　speaking　to
you。'　Men　have　used　me　heartlessly；　men　have　done　and　said　hard
things　to　me；　but　no　man　living　ever　yet　treated　me　as　if　I　was
plague…struck；　and　as　if　the　very　air　about　me　was　infected　by　my
presence！

〃I　say　no　more。　When　he　walked　away　from　me　down　that　lane；　he
walked　to　his　death。　I　have　written　to　Midwinter　to　expect　me　in
London　nest　week；　and　to　be　ready　for　our　marriage　soon
afterward。


〃Four　o'clock。Half　an　hour　since；　I　put　on　my　bonnet　to　go　out
and　post　the　letter　to　Midwinter　myself。　And　here　I　am；　still　in
my　room；　with　my　mind　torn　by　doubts；　and　my　letter　on　the　table。

〃Armadale　counts　for　nothing　in　the　perplexities　that　are　now
torturing　me。　It　is　Midwinter　who　makes　me　hesitate。　Can　I　take
the　first　of　those　three　steps　that　lead　me　to　the　end；　without
the　common　caution　of　looking　at　consequences？　Can　I　marry
Midwinter；　without　knowing　beforehand　how　to　meet　the　obstacle　of
my　husband；　when　the　time　comes　which　transforms　me　from　the
living　Armadale's　wife　to　the　dead　Armadale's　widow？

〃Why　can't　I　think　of　it；　when　I　know　I　_must_　think　of　it？　Why
can't　I　look　at　it　as　steadily　as　I　have　looked　at　all　the　rest？
I　feel　his　kisses　on　my　lips；　I　feel　his　tears　on　my　bosom；　I
feel　his　arms　round　me　again。　He　is　far　away　in　London；　and　yet；
he　is　here　and　won't　let　me　think　of　it！

〃Why　can't　I　wait　a　little？　Why　can't　I　let　Time　help　me？　Time？
It's　Saturday！　What　need　is　there　to　think　of　it；　unless　I　like？
There　is　no　post　to　London　to…day。　I　_must_　wait。　If　I　posted　the
letter；　it　wouldn't　go。　Besides；　to…　morrow　I　may　hear　from　Mrs。
Oldershaw。　I　ought　to　wait　to　hear　from　Mrs。　Oldershaw。　I　can't
consider　myself　a　free　woman　till　I　know　what　Mrs。　Oldershaw
means　to　do。　There　is　a　necessity　for　waiting　till　to…morrow。　I
shall　take　my　bonnet　off；　and　lock　the　letter　up　in　my　desk。


〃Sunday　morning。There　is　no　resisting　it！　One　after　another　the
circumstances　crowd　on　me。　They　come　thicker　and　thicker；　and
they　all　force　me　one　way。

〃I　have　got　Mother　Oldershaw's　answer。　The　wretch　fawns　on　me；
and　cringes　to　me。　I　can　see；　as　plainly　as　if　she　had
acknowledged　it；　that　she　suspects　me　of　seeing　my　own　way　to
success　at　Thorpe　Ambrose　without　her　assistance　。　Having　found
threatening　me　useless；　she　tries　coaxing　me　now。　I　am　her
darling　Lydia　again！　She　is　quite　shocked　that　I　could　imagine
she　ever　really　intended　to　arrest　her　bosom　friend；　and　she　has
only　to　entreat　me；　as　a　favor　to　herself；　to　renew　the　bill！

〃I　say　once　more；　no　mortal　creature　could　resist　it！　Time　after
time　I　have　tried　to　escape　the　temptation；　and　time　after　time
the　circumstances　drive　me　back　again。　I　can　struggle　no　longer。
The　post　that　takes　the　letters　to…night　shall　take　my　letter　to
Midwinter　among　the　rest。

〃To…night！　If　I　give　myself　till　to…night；　something　else　may
happen。　If　I　give　myself　till　to…night；　I　may　hesitate　again。　I'm
weary　of　the　torture　of　hesitating。　I　must　and　will　have　relief
in　the　present；　cost　what　it　may　in　the　future。　My　letter　to
Midwinter　will　drive　me　mad　if　I　see　it　staring　and　staring　at　me
in　my　desk　any　longer。　I　can　post　it　in　ten　minutes'　timeand　I
will！

〃It　is　done。　The　first　of　the　three　steps　that　lead　me　to　the　end
is　a　step　taken。　My　mind　is　quieterthe　letter　is　in　the　post。

〃By　to…morrow　Midwinter　will　receive　it。　Before　the　end　of　the
week　Armadale　must　be　publicly　seen　to　leave　Thorpe　Ambrose；　and
I　must　be　publicly　seen　to　leave　with　him。

〃Have　I　looked　at　the　consequences　of　my　marriage　to　Midwinter？
No！　Do　I　know　how　to　meet　the　obstacle　of　my　husband；　when　the
time　comes　which　transforms　me　from　the　living　Armadale's　wife　to
the　dead　Armadale's　widow？

〃No！　When　the　time　comes；　I　must　meet　the　obstacle　as　I　best　may。
I　am　going　blindfold；　thenso　far　as　Midwinter　is
concernedinto　this　frightful　risk？　Yes；　blindfold。　Am　I　out　of
my　senses？　Very　likely。　Or　am　I　a　little　too　fond　of　him　to　look
the　thing　in　the　face？　I　dare　say。　Who　cares？

〃I　won't；　I　won't；　I　won't　think　of　it！　Haven't　I　a　will　of　my
own？　And　can't　I　think；　if　I　like；　of　something　else？

〃Here　is　Mother　Jezebel's　cringing　letter。　_That_　is　something
else　to　think　of。　I'll　answer　it。　I　am　in　a　fine　humor　for
writing　to　Mother　Jezebel。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　*　*　*　*　*　*　*

_Conclusion　of　Miss　Gwilt's　Letter　to　Mrs。　Oldershaw。_

〃。。。。　I　told　you；　when　I　broke　off；　that　I　would　wait　before　I
finished　this；　and　ask　my　Diary　if　I　could　safely　tell　you　what　I
have　now　got　it　in　my　mind　to　do。　Well；　I　have　asked；　and　my
Diary　says；　'Don't　tell　her！'　Under　these　circumstances　I　close
my　letterwith　my　best　excuses　for　leaving　you　in　the　dark。

〃I　shall　probably　be　in　London　before　longand　I　may　tell　you　by
word　of　mouth　what　I　don't　think　it　safe　to　write　here。　Mind；　I
make　no　promise！　It　all　depends　on　how　I　feel　toward　you　at　the
time。　I　don't　doubt　your　discretion；　but　（under　certain
circumstances）　I　am　not　so　sure　of　your　courage。　L。　G。〃

〃P。　S。My　best　thanks　for　your　permission　to　renew　the　bill。　I
decline　profiting　by　the　proposal。　The　money　will　be　ready　when
the　money　is　due。　I　have　a　friend　now　in　London　who　will　pay　it
if　I　ask　him。　Do　you　wonder　who　the　friend　is？　You　will　wonder　at
one　or　two　other　things；　Mrs。　Oldershaw；　before　many　weeks　more
are　over　your　head　and　mine。〃

CHAPTER　XI。

LOVE　AND　LAW。

ON　the　morning　of　Monday；　the　28th　of　July；　Miss　Gwiltonce　more
on　the　watch　for　Allan　and　Neeliereached　her　customary　post　of
observation　in　the　park