飘-第188章

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mforting　knowledge　of　what　all　tomorrows　would　bring！　How　can　I　deny　you？）
　“I　like　these　days　better；”　she　said　but　her　voice　was　tremulous。
　He　slipped　from　the　table；　laughing　softly　in　unbelief。　Putting　his　hand　under　her　chin；　he　turned　her　face　up　to　his。
　“Ah；　Scarlett；　what　a　poor　liar　you　are！　Yes；　life　has　a　glitter　now—of　a　sort　That’s　what’s　wrong　with　it。　The　old　days　had　no　glitter　but　they　had　a　charm；　a　beauty；　a　slow…paced　glamour。”
　Her　mind　pulled　two　ways；　she　dropped　her　eyes。　The　sound　of　his　voice；　the　touch　of　his　hand　were　softly　unlocking　doors　that　she　had　locked　forever。　Behind　those　doors　lay　the　beauty　of　the　old　days；　and　a　sad　hunger　for　them　welled　up　within　her。　But　she　knew　that　no　matter　what　beauty　lay　behind；　it　must　remain　there。　No　one　could　go　forward　with　a　load　of　aching　memories。
　His　hand　dropped　from　her　chin　and　he　took　one　of　her　hands　between　his　two　and　held　it　gently。
　“Do　you　remember；”　he　said—and　a　warning　bell　in　her　mind　rang：　Don’t　look　back！　Don’t　look　back！
　But　she　swiftly　disregarded　it；　swept　forward　on　a　tide　of　happiness。　At　last　she　was　understanding　him；　at　last　their　minds　had　met。　This　moment　was　too　precious　to　be　lost；　no　matter　what　pain　came　after。
　“Do　you　remember；”　he　said　and　under　the　spell　of　his　voice　the　bare　walls　of　the’little　office　faded　and　the　years　rolled　aside　and　they　were　riding　country　bridle　paths　together　in　a　long…gone　spring。　As　he　spoke；　his　light　grip　tightened　on　her　hand　and　in　his　voice　was　the　sad　magic　of　old　half…forgotten　songs。　She　could　hear　the　gay　jingle　of　bridle　bits　as　they　rode　under　the　dogwood　trees　to　the　Tarletons’　picnic；　hear　her　own　careless　laughter；　see　the　sun　glinting　on　his　silver…gilt　hair　and　note　the　proud　easy　grace　with　which　he　sat　his　horse。　There　was　music　in　his　voice；　the　music　of　fiddles　and　banjos　to　which　they　had　danced　in　the　white　house　that　was　no　more。　There　was　the　far…off　yelping　of　possum　dogs　in　the　dark　swamp　under　cool　autumn　moons　and　the　smell　of　eggnog　bowls；　wreathed　with　holly　at　Christmas　time　and　smiles　on　black　and　white　faces。　And　old　friends　came　trooping　back；　laughing　as　though　they　had　not　been　dead　these　many　years：　Stuart　and　Brent　with　their　long　legs　and　their　red　hair　and　their　practical　jokes；　Tom　and　Boyd　as　wild　as　young　horses；　Joe　Fontaine　with　his　hot　black　eyes；　and　Cade　and　Raiford　Calvert　who　moved　with　such　languid　grace。　There　was　John　Wilkes；　too；　and　Gerald；　red　with　brandy；　and　a　whisper　and　a　fragrance　that　was　Ellen。　Over　it　all　rested　a　sense　of　security；　a　knowledge　that　tomorrow　could　only　bring　the　same　happiness　today　had　brought。
　His　voice　stopped　and　they　looked　for　a　long　quiet　moment　into　each　other’s　eyes　and　between　them　lay　the　sunny　lost　youth　that　they　had　so　unthinkingly　shared。
　“Now　I　know　why　you　can’t　be　happy；”　she　thought　sadly。　“I　never　understood　before。　I　never　understood　before　why　I　wasn’t　altogether　happy　either。　But—why；　we　are　talking　like　old　people　talk！”　she　thought　with　dreary　surprise。　“Old　people　looking　back　fifty　years。　And　we’re　not　old！　It’s　just　that　so　much　has　happened　in　between。　Everything’s　changed　so　much　that　it　seems　like　fifty　years　ago。　But　we’re　not　old！”
　But　when　she　looked　at　Ashley　he　was　no　longer　young　and　shining。　His　head　was　bowed　as　he　looked　down　absently　at　her　hand　which　he　still　held　and　she　saw　that　his　once　bright　hair　was　very　gray；　silver　gray　as　moonlight　on　still　water。　Somehow　the　bright　beauty　had　gone　from　the　April　afternoon　and　from　her　heart　as　well　and　the　sad　sweetness　of　remembering　was　as　bitter　as　gall。
　“I　shouldn’t　have　let　him　make　me　look　back；”　she　thought　despairingly。　“I　was　right　when　I　said　I’d　never　look　back。　It　hurts　too　much；　it　drags　at　your　heart　till　you　can’t　ever　do　anything　else　except　look　back。　That’s　what’s　wrong　with　Ashley。　He　can’t　look　forward　any　more。　He　can’t　see　the　present；　he　fears　the　future；　and　so　he　looks　back。　I　never　understood　it　before。　I　never　understood　Ashley　before。　Oh；　Ashley；　my　darling；　you　shouldn’t　look　back！　What　good　will　it　do？　I　shouldn’t　have　let　you　tempt　me　into　talking　of　the　old　days。　This　is　what　happens　when　you　look　back　to　happiness；　this　pain；　this　heartbreak；　this　discontent。”
　She　rose　to　her　feet；　her　hand　still　in　his。　She　must　go。　She　could　not　stay　and　think　of　the　old　days　and　see　his　face；　tired　and　sad　and　bleak　as　it　now　was。
　“We’ve　come　a　long　way　since　those　days；　Ashley；”　she　said；　trying　to　steady　her　voice；　trying　to　fight　the　constriction　in　her　throat。　“We　had　fine　notions　then；　didn’t　we？”　And　then；　with　a　rush；　“Oh；　Ashley；　nothing　has　turned　out　as　we　expected！”
　“It　never　does；”　he　said。　“Life’s　under　no　obligation　to　give　us　what　we　expect。　We　take　what　we　get　and　are　thankful　it’s　no　worse　than　it　is。”
　Her　heart　was　suddenly　dull　with　pain；　with　weariness；　as　she　thought　of　the　long　road　she　had　come　since　those　days。　There　rose　up　in　her　mind　the　memory　of　Scarlett　O’Hara　who　loved　beaux　and　pretty　dresses　and　who　intended；　some　day；　when　she　had　the　time；　to　be　a　great　lady　like　Ellen。
　Without　warning；　tears　started　in　her　eyes　and　rolled　slowly　down　her　cheeks　and　she　stood　looking　at　him　dumbly；　like　a　hurt　bewildered　child。　He　said　no　word　but　took　her　gently　in　his　arms；　pressed　her　head　against　his　shoulder　and；　leaning　down；　laid　his　cheek　against　hers。　She　relaxed　against　him　and　her　arms　went　round　his　body。　The　comfort　of　his　arms　helped　dry　her　sudden　tears。　Ah；　it　was　good　to　be　in　his　arms；　without　passion；　without　tenseness；　to　be　there　as　a　loved　friend。　Only　Ashley　who　shared　her　memories　and　her　youth；　who　knew　her　beginnings　and　her　present　could　understand。
　She　heard　the　sound　of　feet　outside　but　paid　little　heed；　thinking　it　was　the　teamsters　going　home。　She　stood　for　a　moment；　listening　to　the　slow　beat　of　Ashley’s　heart。　Then　suddenly　he　wrenched　himself　from　her；　confusing　her　by　his　violence。　She　looked　up　into　his　face　in　surprise　but　he　was　not　looking　at　her。　He　was　looking　over　her　shoulder　at　the　door。
　She　turned　and　there　stood　India；　white　faced；　her　pale　eyes　blazing；　and　Archie；　malevolent　as　a　one…eyed　parrot。　Behind　them　stood　Mrs。　Elsing。
　
　How　she　got　out　of　the　office　she　never　remembered。　But　she　went　instantly；　swiftly；　by　Ashley’s　order；　leaving　Ashley　and　Archie　in　grim　converse　in　the　little　room　and　India　and　Mrs。　Elsing　outside　with　their　backs　to　her。　Shame　and　fear　sped　her　homeward　and；　in　her　mind；　Archie　with　his　patriarch’s　beard　assumed　the　proportions　of　an　avenging　angel　straight　from　the　pages　of　the　Old　Testament。
　The　house　was　empty　and　still　in　the　April　sunset。　All　the　servants　had　gone　to　a　funeral　and　the　children　were　playing　in　Melanie’s　back　yard。　Melanie—
　Melanie！　Scarlett　went　cold　at　the　thought　of　her　as　she　climbed　the　stairs　to　her　room。　Melanie　would　hear　of　this。　India　had　said　she　would　tell　her。　Oh；　India　would　glory　in　telling　her；　not　caring　if　she　blackened　Ashley’s　name；　not　caring　if　she　hurt　Melanie；　if　by　so　doing　she　could　injure　Scarlett！　And　Mrs。　Elsing　would　talk　too；　even　though　she　had　really　seen　nothing；　because　she　was　behind　India　and　Archie　in　the　door　of　the　lumber　office。　But　she　would　talk；　just　the　same。　The　news　would　be　all　over　town　by　supper　time。　Everyone；　even　the　negroes；　would　know　by　tomorrow’s　breakfast。　At　the　party　tonight；　women　would　gather　in　corners　and　whisper　discreetly　and　with　malicious　pleasure。　Scarlett　Butler　rumbled　from　her　high　and　mighty　place！　And　the　story　would　grow　and　grow。　There　was　no　way　of　stopping　it。　It　wouldn’t　stop　at　the　bare　facts；　that　Ashley　was　holding　her　in　his　arms　while　she　cried。　Before　nightfall　people　would　be　saying　she　had　been　taken　in　adultery。　And　it　had　been　so　innocent；　so　sweet！　Scarlett　thought　wildly：　If　we　had　been　caught　that　Christmas　of　his　furlough　when　I　kissed　him　good…by—if　we　had　been　caught　in　the　orchard　at　Tara　when　I　begged　him　to　run　away　with　me—oh；　if　we’d　been　caught　any　of　the　times　when　we　were　really　guilty；　it　wouldn’t　be　so　bad！　But　now！　Now！　When　I　went　to　his　arms　as　a　friend—
　But　no　one　would　believe　that。　She　wouldn’t　have　a　single　friend　to　take　her　part；　not　a　single　voice　would　be　raised　to　say：　“I　don’t　believe　she　was　doing　anything　wrong。”　She　had　outraged　old　friends　too　long　to　find　a　champion　among　them　now。　Her　new　friends；　suffering　in　silence　under　her　insolences；　would　welcome　a　chance　to　blackguard　her。　No；　everybody　would　believe　anything　about　her；　though　they　might　regret　that　so　fine　a　man　as　Ashley　Wilkes　was　mixed　up　in　so　dirty　an　affair。　As　usual　they　would　cast　the　blame　upon　the　woman　and　shrug　at　the　man’s　guilt。　And　in　this　case　they　would　be　right。　She　had　gone　into　his　arms。
　Oh；　she　could　stand　the　cuts；　the　slights；　the　covert　smiles；　anything　the　town　might　say；　if　she　had　to　stand　them—but　not　Melanie！　Oh；　not　Melanie！　She　did　not　know　why　she　should　mind　Melanie　knowing；　more　than　anyone　else。　She　was　too　frightened　and　weighed　down　by　a　sense　of　past　guilt　to　try　to　understand　it。　But　she　burst　into　tears　at　the　thought　of　what　would　be　in　Melanie’s　eyes　when　India　told　her　that　she　had　caught　Ashley　fondling　Scarlett。　And　what　would　Melanie　do　when　she　knew？　Leave　Ashley？　What　else　could　she　do；　with　any　dignity？　And　what　will　Ashley　and　I　do　then？　she　thought　frenziedly；　the　tears　streaming　down　her　face。　Oh；　Ashley　will　die　of　shame　and　hate　me　for　bringing　this　on　him。　Suddenly　her　tears　stopped　short　as　a　deadly　fear　went　through　her　heart。　What　of　Rhett？　What　would　he　do？
　Perhaps　he’d　never　know。　What　was　that　old　saying；　that　cynical　saying？　“The　husband　is　always　the　last　to　find　out。”　Perhaps　no　one　would　tell　him。　It　would　take　a　brave　man　to　break　such　news　to　Rhett；　for　Rhett　had　the　reputation　for　shooting　first　and　asking　questions　afterwards。　Please；　God；　don’t　let　anybody　be　brave　enough　to　tell　him！　But　she　remembered　the　face　of　Archie　in　the　lumber　office；　the　cold；　pale　eye；　remorseless；　full　of　hate　for　her　and　all　women。　Archie　feared　neither　God　nor　man　and　he　hated　loose　women。　He　had　hated　them　enough　to　kill　one。　And　he　had　said　he　would　tell　Rhett。　And　he’d　tell　him　in　spite　of　all　Ashley　could　do　to　dissuade　him。　Unless　Ashley　killed　him；　Archie　would　tell　Rhett；　feeling　it　his　Christian　duty。
　She　pulled　off　her　clothes　and　lay　down　on　the　bed；　her　mind　whirling　round　and　round。　If　she　could　only　lock　her　door　and　stay　in　this　safe　place　forever　and　ever　and　never　see　anyone　again。　Perhaps　Rhett　wouldn’t　find　out　tonight。　She’d　say　she　had　a　headache　and　didn’t　feel　like　going　to　the　reception。　By　morning　she　would　have　thought　up　some　excuse　to　offer；　some　defense　that　might　hold　water。
　“I　won’t　think　of　it　now；”　she　said　desperately；　burying　her　face　in　the　pillow。　“I　won’t　think　of　it　now。　I’ll　think　of　it　later　when　I　can　stand　it。”
　She　heard　the　servants　come　back　as　night　fell　and　it　seemed　to　her　that　they　were　very　silent　as　they　moved　about　preparing　supper。　Or　was　it　her　guilty　conscience？　Mammy　came　to　the　door　and　knocked　but　Scarlett　sent　her　away；　saying　she　did　not　want　any　supper。　Ti