飘-第36章
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ely； whose heart is in the grave； who feels that her husband’s death meant nothing if it aided the Cause to triumph。
Oh； why was she different； apart from these loving women？ She could never love anything or anyone so selflessly as they did。 What a lonely feeling it was—and she had never been lonely either in body or spirit before。 At first she tried to stifle the thoughts； but the hard self…honesty that lay at the base of her nature would not permit it And so； while the bazaar went on； while she and Melanie waited on the customers who came to their booth； her mind was busily working； trying to justify herself to herself—a task which she seldom found difficult。
The other women were simply silly and hysterical with their talk of patriotism and the Cause； and the men were almost as bad with their talk of vital issues and States’ Rights。 She； Scarlett O’Hara Hamilton； alone had good hard…headed Irish sense。 She wasn’t going to make a fool out of herself about the Cause； but neither was she going to make a fool out of herself by admitting her true feelings。 She was hard…headed enough to be practical about the situation； and no one would ever know how she felt How surprised the bazaar would be if they knew what she really was thinking！ How shocked if she suddenly climbed on the bandstand and declared that she thought the war ought to stop； so everybody could go home and tend to their cotton and there could be parties and beaux again and plenty of pale green dresses。
For a moment； her self…justification buoyed her up but still she looked about the hall with distaste。 The McLure girls’ booth was inconspicuous； as Mrs。 Merriwether had said； and there were long intervals when no one came to their corner and Scarlett had nothing to do but look enviously on the happy throng。 Melanie sensed her moodiness but； crediting it to longing for Charlie； did not try to engage her in conversation。 She busied herself arranging the articles in the booth in more attractive display； while Scarlett sat and looked glumly around the room。 Even the banked flowers below the pictures of Mr。 Davis and Mr。 Stephens displeased her。
“It looks like an altar；” she sniffed。 “And the way they all carry on about those two； they might as well be the Father and the Son！” Then smitten with sudden fright at her irreverence she began hastily to cross herself by way of apology but caught herself in time。
“Well； it’s true；” she argued with her conscience。 “Everybody carries on like they were holy and they aren’t anything but men； and mighty unattractive looking ones at that。”
Of course； Mr。 Stephens couldn’t help how he looked for he had been an invalid all his life； but Mr。 Davis— She looked up at the cameo clean； proud face。 It was his goatee that annoyed her the most。 Men should either be clean shaven； mustached or wear full beards。
“That little wisp looks like it was just the best he could do；” she thought； not seeing in his face the cold hard intelligence that was carrying the weight of a new nation。
No； she was not happy now； and at first she had been radiant with the pleasure of being in a crowd。 Now just being present was not enough。 She was at the bazaar but not a part of it。 No one paid her any attention and she was the only young unmarried woman present who did not have a beau。 And all her life she had enjoyed the center of the stage。 It wasn’t fair！ She was seventeen years old and her feet were patting the floor； wanting to skip and dance。 She was seventeen years old and she had a husband lying at Oakland Cemetery and a baby in his cradle at Aunt Pittypat’s and everyone thought she should be content with her lot。 She had a whiter bosom and a smaller waist and a tinier foot than any girl present； but for all they mattered she might just as well be lying beside Charles with “Beloved Wife of” carved over her。
She wasn’t a girl who could dance and flirt and she wasn’t a wife who could sit with other wives and criticize the dancing and flirting girls。 And she wasn’t old enough to be a widow。 Widows should be old—so terribly old they didn’t want to dance and flirt and be admired。 Oh； it wasn’t fair that she should have to sit here primly and be the acme of widowed dignity and propriety when she was only seventeen。 It wasn’t fair that she must keep her voice low and her eyes cast modestly down； when men； attractive ones； too； came to their booth。
Every girl in Atlanta was three deep in men。 Even the plainest girls were carrying on like belles—and； oh； worst of all； they were carrying on in such lovely； lovely dresses！
Here she sat like a crow with hot black taffeta to her wrists and buttoned up to her chin； with not even a hint of lace or braid； not a jewel except Ellen’s onyx mourning brooch； watching tacky…looking girls hanging on the arms of good…looking men。 All because Charles Hamilton had had the measles。 He didn’t even die in a fine glow of gallantry in battle； so she could brag about him。
Rebelliously she leaned her elbows on the counter and looked at the crowd； flouting Mammy’s oft…repeated admonition against leaning on elbows and making them ugly and wrinkled。 What did it matter if they did get ugly？ She’d probably never get a chance to show them again。 She looked hungrily at the frocks floating by； butter…yellow watered silks with garlands of rosebuds； pink satins with eighteen flounces edged with tiny black velvet ribbons； baby blue taffeta； ten yards in the skirt and foamy with cascading lace； exposed bosoms； seductive flowers。 Maybelle Merriwether went toward the next booth on the arm of the Zouave； in an apple…green tarlatan so wide that it reduced her waist to nothingness。 It Was showered and flounced with cream…colored Chantilly lace that had come from Charleston on the last blockader； and Maybelle was flaunting it as saucily as if she and not the famous Captain Butler had run the blockade。
“How sweet I’d look in that dress；” thought Scarlett； a savage envy in her heart。 “Her waist is as big as a cow’s。 That green is just my color and it would make my eyes look— Why will blondes try to wear that color？ Her skin looks as green as an old cheese。 And to think I’ll never wear that color again； not even when I do get out of mourning。 No； not even if I do manage to get married again。 Then I’ll have to wear tacky old grays and tans and lilacs。”
For a brief moment she considered the unfairness of it all。 How short was the time for fun； for pretty clothes； for dancing； for coquetting！ Only a few； too few years！ Then you married and wore dull…colored dresses and had babies that ruined your waist line and sat in corners at dances with other sober matrons and only emerged to dance with your husband or with old gentlemen who stepped on your feet。 If you didn’t do these things； the other matrons talked about you and then your reputation was ruined and your family disgraced。 It seemed such a terrible waste to spend all your little girlhood learning how to be attractive and how to catch men and then only use the knowledge for a year or two。 When she considered her training at the hands of Ellen and Mammy； she knew it had been thorough and good because it had always reaped results。 There were set rules to be followed； and if you followed them success crowned your efforts。
With old ladies you were sweet and guileless and appeared as simple minded as possible； for old ladies were sharp and they watched girls as jealously as cats； ready to pounce on any indiscretion of tongue or eye。 With old gentlemen； a girl was pert and saucy and almost； but not quite； flirtatious； so that the old fools’ vanities would be tickled。 It made them feel devilish and young and they pinched your cheek and declared you Were a minx。 And； of course； you always blushed on such occasions； otherwise they would pinch you with more pleasure than was proper and then tell their sons that you were fast。
With young girls and young married women； you slopped over with sugar and kissed them every time you met them； even if it was ten times a day。 And you put your arms about their waists and suffered them to do the same to you； no matter how much you disliked it You admired their frocks or their babies indiscriminately and teased about beaux and complimented husbands and giggled modestly and denied that you had any charms at all compared with theirs。 And； above all； you never said what you really thought about anything； any more than they said what they really thought。
Other women’s husbands you let severely alone； even if they were your own discarded beaux； and no matter how temptingly attractive they were。 If you were too nice to young husbands； their wives said you were fast and you got a bad reputation and never caught any beaux of your own。
But with young bachelors—ah； that was a different matter！ You could laugh softly at them and when they came flying to see why you laughed； you could refuse to tell them and laugh harder and keep them around indefinitely trying to find out。 You could promise； with your eyes； any number of exciting things that would make a man maneuver to get you alone。 And； having gotten you alone； you could be very； very hurt or very； very angry when he tried to kiss you。 You could make him apologize for being a cur and forgive him so sweetly that he would hang around trying to kiss you a second time。 Sometimes； but not often； you did let him kiss you。 （Ellen and Mammy had not taught her that but she learned it was effective。） Then you cried and declared you didn’t know what had come over you and that he couldn’t ever respect you again。 Then he had to dry your eyes and usually he proposed； to show just how much he did respect you。 And then there were— Oh； there were so many things to do to bachelors and she knew them all； the nuance of the sidelong glance； the half…smile behind the fan； the swaying of the hips so that skirts swung like a bell； the tears； the laughter； the flattery； the sweet sympathy。 Oh； all the tricks that never failed to work—except with Ashley。
No； it didn’t seem right to learn all these smart tricks； use them so briefly and then put them away forever。 How wonderful it would be never to marry but to go on being lovely in pale green dresses and forever courted by handsome men。 But； if you went on too long； you got to be an old maid like India Wilkes and everyone said “poor thing” in that smug hateful way。 No； after all it was better to marry and keep your self…respect even if you never had any more fun。
Oh； what a mess life was！ Why had she been such an idiot as to marry Charles of all people and have her life end at sixteen？
Her indignant and hopeless reverie was broken when the crowd began pushing back against the walls； the ladies carefully holding their hoops so that no careless contact should turn them up against their bodies and show more pantalets than was proper。 Scarlett tiptoed above the crowd and saw the captain of the militia mounting the orchestra platform。 He shouted orders and half of the Company fell into line。 For a few minutes they went through a brisk drill that brought perspiration to their foreheads and cheers and applause from the audience。 Scarlett clapped her hands dutifully with the rest and； as the soldiers pushed forward toward the punch
