the idle thoughts of an idle fellow[1].(一个浪子的随想)-第12章
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him； strongly advising him to go straight downstairs and not let me see
him again for the next hour or so； and he seeming to agree with me；
dodged the coal…scoop and went； while I returned； dried myself and
finished breakfast。 I made sure that he had gone in to the yard； but when I
looked into the passage ten minutes later he was sitting at the top of the
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
stairs。 I ordered him down at once； but he only barked and jumped about；
so I went to see what was the matter。
It was Tittums。 She was sitting on the top stair but one and wouldn't let
him pass。
Tittums is our kitten。 She is about the size of a penny roll。 Her back
was up and she was swearing like a medical student。
She does swear fearfully。 I do a little that way myself sometimes； but I
am a mere amateur compared with her。 To tell you the truthmind； this is
strictly between ourselves； please； I shouldn't like your wife to know I said
itthe women folk don't understand these things； but between you and me；
you know； I think it does at man good to swear。 Swearing is the safety…
valve through which the bad temper that might otherwise do serious
internal injury to his mental mechanism escapes in harmless vaporing。
When a man has said： 〃Bless you； my dear； sweet sir。 What the sun； moon；
and stars made you so careless （if I may be permitted the expression） as to
allow your light and delicate foot to descend upon my corn with so much
force？ Is it that you are physically incapable of comprehending the
direction in which you are proceeding？ you nice； clever young manyou！〃
or words to that effect； he feels better。 Swearing has the same soothing
effect upon our angry passions that smashing the furniture or slamming
the doors is so well known to exercise； added to which it is much cheaper。
Swearing clears a man out like a pen'orth of gunpowder does the wash…
house chimney。 An occasional explosion is good for both。 I rather distrust
a man who never swears； or savagely kicks the foot…stool； or pokes the fire
with unnecessary violence。 Without some outlet； the anger caused by the
ever…occurring troubles of life is apt to rankle and fester within。 The petty
annoyance； instead of being thrown from us； sits down beside us and
becomes a sorrow； and the little offense is brooded over till； in the hot…bed
of rumination； it grows into a great injury； under whose poisonous shadow
springs up hatred and revenge。
Swearing relieves the feelingsthat is what swearing does。 I explained
this to my aunt on one occasion； but it didn't answer with her。 She said I
had no business to have such feelings。
That is what I told Tittums。 I told her she ought to be ashamed of
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
herself； brought up in at Christian family as she was； too。 I don't so much
mind hearing an old cat swear； but I can't bear to see a mere kitten give
way to it。 It seems sad in one so young。
I put Tittums in my pocket and returned to my desk。 I forgot her for the
moment； and when I looked I found that she had squirmed out of my
pocket on to the table and was trying to swallow the pen； then she put her
leg into the ink…pot and upset it； then she licked her leg； then she swore
againat me this time。
I put her down on the floor； and there Tim began rowing with her。 I do
wish Tim would mind his own business。 It was no concern of his what she
had been doing。 Besides； he is not a saint himself。 He is only a two…year…
old fox…terrier； and he interferes with everything and gives himself the airs
of a gray…headed Scotch collie。
Tittums' mother has come in and Tim has got his nose scratched； for
which I am remarkably glad。 I have put them all three out in the passage；
where they are fighting at the present moment。 I'm in a mess with the ink
and in a thundering bad temper； and if anything more in the cat or dog line
comes fooling about me this morning； it had better bring its own funeral
contractor with it。
Yet； in general； I like cats and dogs very much indeed。 What jolly
chaps they are！ They are much superior to human beings as companions。
They do not quarrel or argue with you。 They never talk about themselves
but listen to you while you talk about yourself； and keep up an appearance
of being interested in the conversation。 They never make stupid remarks。
They never observe to Miss Brown across a dinner…table that they always
understood she was very sweet on Mr。 Jones （who has just married Miss
Robinson）。 They never mistake your wife's cousin for her husband and
fancy that you are the father…in…law。 And they never ask a young author
with fourteen tragedies； sixteen comedies； seven farces； and a couple of
burlesques in his desk why he doesn't write a play。
They never say unkind things。 They never tell us of our faults； 〃merely
for our own good。〃 They do not at inconvenient moments mildly remind
us of our past follies and mistakes。 They do not say； 〃Oh； yes； a lot of use
you are if you are ever really wanted〃sarcastic like。 They never inform
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
us； like our _inamoratas_ sometimes do； that we are not nearly so nice as
we used to be。 We are always the same to them。
They are always glad to see us。 They are with us in all our humors。
They are merry when we are glad； sober when we feel solemn； and sad
when we are sorrowful。
〃Halloo！ happy and want a lark？ Right you are； I'm your man。 Here I
am； frisking round you； leaping； barking； pirouetting； ready for any
amount of fun and mischief。 Look at my eyes if you doubt me。 What shall
it be？ A romp in the drawing…room and never mind the furniture； or a
scamper in the fresh； cool air； a scud across the fields and down the hill；
and won't we let old Gaffer Goggles' geese know what time o' day it is；
neither！ Whoop！ come along。〃
Or you'd like to be quiet and think。 Very well。 Pussy can sit on the arm
of the chair and purr； and Montmorency will curl himself up on the rug
and blink at the fire； yet keeping one eye on you the while； in case you are
seized with any sudden desire in the direction of rats。
And when we bury our face in our hands and wish we had never been
born； they don't sit up very straight and observe that we have brought it all
upon ourselves。 They don't even hope it will be a warning to us。 But they
come up softly and shove their heads against us。 If it is a cat she stands on
your shoulder； rumples your hair； and says； 〃Lor；' I am sorry for you； old
man；〃 as plain as words can speak； and if it is a dog he looks up at you
with his big； true eyes and says with them； 〃Well you've always got me；
you know。 We'll go through the world together and always stand by each
other； won't we？〃
He is very imprudent； a dog is。 He never makes it his business to
inquire whether you are in the right or in the wrong； never bothers as to
whether you are going up or down upon life's ladder； never asks whether
you are rich or poor； silly or wise； sinner or saint。 You are his pal。 That is
enough for him； and come luck or misfortune； good repute or bad； honor
or shame； he is going to stick to you； to comfort you； guard you； and give
his life for you if need befoolish； brainless； soulless dog！
Ah！ old stanch friend； with your deep； clear eyes and bright； quick
glances； that take in all one has to say before one has time to speak it； do
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
you know you are only an animal and have no mind？ Do you know that
that dull…eyed； gin…sodden lout leaning against the post out there is
immeasurably your intellectual superior？ Do you know that every little…
minded； selfish scoundrel who lives by cheating and tricking； who never
did a gentle deed or said a kind word； who never had a thought that was
not mean and low or a desire that was not base； whose every action is a
fraud； whose every utterance is a liedo you know that these crawling
skulks （and there are millions of them in the world）； do you know they are
all as much superior to you as the sun is superior to rushlight you
honorable； brave…hearted； unselfish brute？ They are MEN； you know； and
MEN are the greatest； and noblest； and wisest； and best beings in the
whole vast eternal universe。 Any man will tell you that。
Yes； poor doggie； you are very stupid； very stupid indeed； compared
with us clever men； who understand all about politics and philosophy； and
who know everything； in short； except what we are and where we came
from and whither we are going； and what everything outside this tiny
world and most things in it are。
Never mind； though； pussy and doggie； we like you both all the better
for your being stupid。 We all like stupid things。 Men can't bear clever
women； and a woman's ideal man is some one she can call a 〃dear old
stupid。〃 It is so pleasant to come across people more stupid than ourselves。
We love them at once for being so。 The world must be rather a rough place
for clever people。 Ordinary folk dislike them； and as for themselves； they
hate each other most cordially。
But there； the clever people are such a very insignificant minority that
it really doesn't much matter if they are unhappy。 So long as the foolish
people can be made comfortable the world； as a whole； will get on
tolerably well。
Cats have the credit of being more worldly wise than dogsof looking
more after their own interests and being less blindly devoted to those of
their friends。 And we men and women are naturally shocked at such
selfishness。 Cats certainly do love a family that has a carpet in the kitchen
more than a family that has not； and if there are many children about； they
prefer to spend their leisure time next d
