the idle thoughts of an idle fellow[1].(一个浪子的随想)-第16章
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shall not believe in them。 I know that the generally accepted belief is quite
the reverse。 All women are supposed to be like timid； startled fawns；
blushing and casting down their gentle eyes when looked at and running
away when spoken to； while we man are supposed to be a bold and
rollicky lot； and the poor dear little women admire us for it； but are terribly
afraid of us。 It is a pretty theory； but； like most generally accepted theories；
mere nonsense。 The girl of twelve is self…contained and as cool as the
proverbial cucumber； while her brother of twenty stammers and stutters by
her side。 A woman will enter a concert…room late； interrupt the
performance； and disturb the whole audience without moving a hair； while
her husband follows her； a crushed heap of apologizing misery。
The superior nerve of women in all matters connected with love； from
the casting of the first sheep's…eye down to the end of the honeymoon； is
too well acknowledged to need comment。 Nor is the example a fair one to
cite in the present instance； the positions not being equally balanced。 Love
is woman's business； and in 〃business〃 we all lay aside our natural
weaknessesthe shyest man I ever knew was a photographic tout。
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
ON BABIES。
Oh； yes； I doI know a lot about 'em。 I was one myself once； though
not longnot so long as my clothes。 They were very long； I recollect； and
always in my way when I wanted to kick。 Why do babies have such yards
of unnecessary clothing？ It is not a riddle。 I really want to know。 I never
could understand it。 Is it that the parents are ashamed of the size of the
child and wish to make believe that it is longer than it actually is？ I asked
a nurse once why it was。 She said：
〃Lor'； sir； they always have long clothes； bless their little hearts。〃
And when I explained that her answer； although doing credit to her
feelings； hardly disposed of my difficulty； she replied：
〃Lor'； sir； you wouldn't have 'em in short clothes； poor little dears？〃
And she said it in a tone that seemed to imply I had suggested some
unmanly outrage。
Since than I have felt shy at making inquiries on the subject； and the
reasonif reason there beis still a mystery to me。 But indeed； putting
them in any clothes at all seems absurd to my mind。 Goodness knows
there is enough of dressing and undressing to be gone through in life
without beginning it before we need； and one would think that people who
live in bed might at all events be spared the torture。 Why wake the poor
little wretches up in the morning to take one lot of clothes off； fix another
lot on； and put them to bed again； and then at night haul them out once
more； merely to change everything back？ And when all is done； what
difference is there； I should like to know； between a baby's night…shirt and
the thing it wears in the day…time？
Very likely； however； I am only making myself ridiculousI often do；
so I am informedand I will therefore say no more upon this matter of
clothes； except only that it would be of great convenience if some fashion
were adopted enabling you to tell a boy from a girl。
At present it is most awkward。 Neither hair； dress； nor conversation
affords the slightest clew； and you are left to guess。 By some mysterious
law of nature you invariably guess wrong； and are thereupon regarded by
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THE IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW。
all the relatives and friends as a mixture of fool and knave； the enormity of
alluding to a male babe as 〃she〃 being only equaled by the atrocity of
referring to a female infant as 〃he〃。 Whichever sex the particular child in
question happens not to belong to is considered as beneath contempt； and
any mention of it is taken as a personal insult to the family。
And as you value your fair name do not attempt to get out of the
difficulty by talking of 〃it。〃
There are various methods by which you may achieve ignominy and
shame。 By murdering a large and respected family in cold blood and
afterward depositing their bodies in the water companies' reservoir； you
will gain much unpopularity in the neighborhood of your crime； and even
robbing a church will get you cordially disliked； especially by the vicar。
But if you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred
that a fellow human creature can pour out for you； let a young mother hear
you call dear baby 〃it。〃
Your best plan is to address the article as 〃little angel。〃 The noun
〃angel〃 being of common gender suits the case admirably； and the epithet
is sure of being favorably received。 〃Pet〃 or 〃beauty〃 are useful for
variety's sake； but 〃angel〃 is the term that brings you the greatest credit for
sense and good…feeling。 The word should be preceded by a short giggle
and accompanied by as much smile as possible。 And whatever you do；
don't forget to say that the child has got its father's nose。 This 〃fetches〃 the
parents （if I may be allowed a vulgarism） more than anything。 They will
pretend to laugh at the idea at first and will say； 〃Oh； nonsense！〃 You must
then get excited and insist that it is a fact。 You need have no conscientious
scruples on the subject； because the thing's nose really does resemble its
father'sat all events quite as much as it does anything else in nature
being； as it is； a mere smudge。
Do not despise these hints； my friends。 There may come a time when；
with mamma on one side and grand mamma on the other； a group of
admiring young ladies （not admiring you； though） behind； and a bald…
headed dab of humanity in front； you will be extremely thankful for some
idea of what to say。 A manan unmarried man； that isis never seen to
such disadvantage as when undergoing the ordeal of 〃seeing baby。〃 A cold
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shudder runs down his back at the bare proposal； and the sickly smile with
which he says how delighted he shall be ought surely to move even a
mother's heart； unless； as I am inclined to believe； the whole proceeding is
a mere device adopted by wives to discourage the visits of bachelor
friends。
It is a cruel trick； though； whatever its excuse may be。 The bell is rung
and somebody sent to tell nurse to bring baby down。 This is the signal for
all the females present to commence talking 〃baby；〃 during which time
you are left to your own sad thoughts and the speculations upon the
practicability of suddenly recollecting an important engagement； and the
likelihood of your being believed if you do。 Just when you have concocted
an absurdly implausible tale about a man outside； the door opens； and a
tall； severe…looking woman enters； carrying what at first sight appears to
be a particularly skinny bolster； with the feathers all at one end。 Instinct；
however； tells you that this is the baby； and you rise with a miserable
attempt at appearing eager。 When the first gush of feminine enthusiasm
with which the object in question is received has died out； and the number
of ladies talking at once has been reduced to the ordinary four or five； the
circle of fluttering petticoats divides； and room is made for you to step
forward。 This you do with much the same air that you would walk into the
dock at Bow Street； and then； feeling unutterably miserable； you stand
solemnly staring at the child。 There is dead silence； and you know that
every one is waiting for you to speak。 You try to think of something to say；
but find； to your horror； that your reasoning faculties have left you。 It is a
moment of despair； and your evil genius； seizing the opportunity； suggests
to you some of the most idiotic remarks that it is possible for a human
being to perpetrate。 Glancing round with an imbecile smile； you
sniggeringly observe that 〃it hasn't got much hair has it？〃 Nobody answers
you for a minute； but at last the stately nurse says with much gravity：
〃It is not customary for children five weeks old to have long hair。〃
Another silence follows this； and you feel you are being given a second
chance； which you avail yourself of by inquiring if it can walk yet； or what
they feed it on。
By this time you have got to be regarded as not quite right in your
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head； and pity is the only thing felt for you。 The nurse； however； is
determined that； insane or not； there shall be no shirking and that you shall
go through your task to the end。 In the tones of a high priestess directing
some religious mystery she says； holding the bundle toward you：
〃Take her in your arms； sir。〃 You are too crushed to offer any
resistance and so meekly accept the burden。 〃Put your arm more down her
middle； sir；〃 says the high…priestess； and then all step back and watch you
intently as though you were going to do a trick with it。
What to do you know no more than you did what to say。 It is certain
something must be done； and the only thing that occurs to you is to heave
the unhappy infant up and down to the accompaniment of 〃oopsee…daisy；〃
or some remark of equal intelligence。 〃I wouldn't jig her； sir； if I were
you；〃 says the nurse； 〃a very little upsets her。〃 You promptly decide not to
jig her and sincerely hope that you have not gone too far already。 At this
point the child itself； who has hitherto been regarding you with an
expression of mingled horror and dis
