the ragged trousered philanthropists-第74章

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eek　that　Sir　Graball's　salary　was　increased　to　？；000　a　year；　all　the　papers　were　full　of　a　very　fine　one　that　he　made。　　They　appeared　with　large　headlines　like　this：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　GREAT　SPEECH　BY　SIR　GRABALL　D'ENCLOSELAND

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Brilliant　Epigram！

　　　　None　should　have　more　than　they　need；　whilst　any　have　less　than　　　　　they　need！

The　hypocrisy　of　such　a　saying　in　the　mouth　of　a　man　who　was　drawing　a　salary　of　five　thousand　pounds　a　year　did　not　appear　to　occur　to　anyone。　　On　the　contrary；　the　hired　scribes　of　the　capitalist　Press　wrote　columns　of　fulsome　admiration　of　the　miserable　claptrap；　and　the　working　men　who　had　elected　this　man　went　into　raptures　over　the　‘Brilliant　Epigram'　as　if　it　were　good　to　eat。　　They　cut　it　out　of　the　papers　and　carried　it　about　with　them：　they　showed　it　to　each　other：　they　read　it　and　repeated　it　to　each　other：　they　wondered　at　it　and　were　delighted　with　it；　grinning　and　gibbering　at　each　other　in　the　exuberance　of　their　imbecile　enthusiasm。

The　Distress　Committee　was　not　the　only　body　pretending　to　‘deal'　with　the　poverty　‘problem'：　its　efforts　were　supplemented　by　all　the　other　agencies　already　mentioned　…　the　Labour　Yard；　the　Rummage　Sales；　the　Organized　Benevolence　Society；　and　so　on；　to　say　nothing　of　a　most　benevolent　scheme　originated　by　the　management　of　Sweater's　Emporium；　who　announced　in　a　letter　that　was　published　in　the　local　Press　that　they　were　prepared　to　employ　fifty　men　for　one　week　to　carry　sandwich　boards　at　one　shilling　…　and　a　loaf　of　bread　…　per　day。

They　got　the　men；　some　unskilled　labourers；　a　few　old；　worn　out　artisans　whom　misery　had　deprived　of　the　last　vestiges　of　pride　or　shame；　a　number　of　habitual　drunkards　and　loafers；　and　a　non…descript　lot　of　poor　ragged　old　men　…　old　soldiers　and　others　of　whom　it　would　be　impossible　to　say　what　they　had　once　been。

The　procession　of　sandwich　men　was　headed　by　the　Semi…drunk　and　the　Besotted　Wretch；　and　each　board　was　covered　with　a　printed　poster：　‘Great　Sale　of　Ladies'　Blouses　now　Proceeding　at　Adam　Sweater's　Emporium。'

Besides　this　artful　scheme　of　Sweater's　for　getting　a　good　advertisement　on　the　cheap；　numerous　other　plans　for　providing　employment　or　alleviating　the　prevailing　misery　were　put　forward　in　the　columns　of　the　local　papers　and　at　the　various　meetings　that　were　held。　　Any　foolish；　idiotic；　useless　suggestion　was　certain　to　receive　respectful　attention；　any　crafty　plan　devised　in　his　own　interest　or　for　his　own　profit　by　one　or　other　of　the　crew　of　sweaters　and　landlords　who　controlled　the　town　was　sure　to　be　approved　of　by　the　other　inhabitants　of　Mugsborough；　the　majority　of　whom　were　persons　of　feeble　intellect　who　not　only　allowed　themselves　to　be　robbed　and　exploited　by　a　few　cunning　scoundrels；　but　venerated　and　applauded　them　for　doing　it。



Chapter　38

The　Brigands'　Cave


One　evening　in　the　drawing…room　at　‘The　Cave'　there　was　a　meeting　of　a　number　of　the　‘Shining　Lights'　to　arrange　the　details　of　a　Rummage　Sale；　that　was　to　be　held　in　aid　of　the　unemployed。　　It　was　an　informal　affair；　and　while　they　were　waiting　for　the　other　luminaries；　the　early　arrivals；　Messrs　Rushton；　Didlum　and　Grinder；　Mr　Oyley　Sweater；　the　Borough　Surveyor；　Mr　Wireman；　the　electrical　engineer　who　had　been　engaged　as　an　‘expert'　to　examine　and　report　on　the　Electric　Light　Works；　and　two　or　three　other　gentlemen　…　all　members　of　the　Band　…　took　advantage　of　the　opportunity　to　discuss　a　number　of　things　they　were　mutually　interested　in；　which　were　to　be　dealt　with　at　the　meeting　of　the　Town　Council　the　next　day。　　First；　there　was　the　affair　of　the　untenanted　Kiosk　on　the　Grand　Parade。　　This　building　belonged　to　the　Corporation；　and　‘The　Cosy　Corner　Refreshment　Coy。'　of　which　Mr　Grinder　was　the　managing　director；　was　thinking　of　hiring　it　to　open　as　a　high…class　refreshment　lounge；　provided　the　Corporation　would　make　certain　alterations　and　let　the　place　at　a　reasonable　rent。　Another　item　which　was　to　be　discussed　at　the　Council　meeting　was　Mr　Sweater's　generous　offer　to　the　Corporation　respecting　the　new　drain　connecting　‘The　Cave'　with　the　Town　Main。

The　report　of　Mr　Wireman；　the　electrical　expert；　was　also　to　be　dealt　with；　and　afterwards　a　resolution　in　favour　of　the　purchase　of　the　Mugsborough　Electric　light　and　Installation　Co。　Ltd　by　the　town；　was　to　be　proposed。

In　addition　to　these　matters；　several　other　items；　including　a　proposal　by　Mr　Didlum　for　an　important　reform　in　the　matter　of　conducting　the　meetings　of　the　Council；　formed　subjects　for　animated　conversation　between　the　brigands　and　their　host。

During　this　discussion　other　luminaries　arrived；　including　several　ladies　and　the　Rev。　Mr　Bosher；　of　the　Church　of　the　Whited　Sepulchre。

The　drawing…room　of　‘The　Cave'　was　now　elaborately　furnished。　　A　large　mirror　in　a　richly　gilt　frame　reached　from　the　carved　marble　mantelpiece　to　the　cornice。　　A　magnificent　clock　in　an　alabaster　case　stood　in　the　centre　of　the　mantelpiece　and　was　flanked　by　two　exquisitely　painted　and　gilded　vases　of　Dresden　ware。　　The　windows　were　draped　with　costly　hangings；　the　floor　was　covered　with　a　luxurious　carpet　and　expensive　rugs。　　Sumptuously　upholstered　couches　and　easy　chairs　added　to　the　comfort　of　the　apartment；　which　was　warmed　by　the　immense　fire　of　coal　and　oak　logs　that　blazed　and　crackled　in　the　grate。

The　conversation　now　became　general　and　at　times　highly　philosophical　in　character；　although　Mr　Bosher　did　not　take　much　part；　being　too　busily　engaged　gobbling　up　the　biscuits　and　tea；　and　only　occasionally　spluttering　out　a　reply　when　a　remark　or　question　was　directly　addressed　to　him。

This　was　Mr　Grinder's　first　visit　at　the　house；　and　he　expressed　his　admiration　of　the　manner　in　which　the　ceiling　and　the　walls　were　decorated；　remarking　that　he　had　always　liked　this　'ere　Japanese　style。

Mr　Bosher；　with　his　mouth　full　of　biscuit；　mumbled　that　it　was　sweetly　pretty　…　charming　…　beautifully　done　…　must　have　cost　a　lot　of　money。

‘Hardly　wot　you'd　call　Japanese；　though；　is　it？'　observed　Didlum；　looking　round　with　the　air　of　a　connoisseur。　　‘I　should　be　inclined　to　say　it　was　rather　more　of　the　…　er　…　Chinese　or　Egyptian。'

‘Moorish；'　explained　Mr　Sweater　with　a　smile。　　‘I　got　the　idear　at　the　Paris　Exhibition。　　It's　simler　to　the　decorations　in　the　〃Halambara〃；　the　palace　of　the　Sultan　of　Morocco。　　That　clock　there　is　in　the　same　style。'

The　case　of　the　clock　referred　to　…　which　stood　on　a　table　in　a　corner　of　the　room　…　was　of　fretwork；　in　the　form　of　an　Indian　Mosque；　with　a　pointed　dome　and　pinnacles。　　This　was　the　case　that　Mary　Linden　had　sold　to　Didlum；　the　latter　had　had　it　stained　a　dark　colour　and　polished　and　further　improved　it　by　substituting　a　clock　of　more　suitable　design　than　the　one　it　originally　held。　　Mr　Sweater　had　noticed　it　in　Didlum's　window　and；　seeing　that　the　design　was　similar　in　character　to　the　painted　decorations　on　the　ceiling　and　walls　of　his　drawing…room；　had　purchased　it。

‘I　went　to　the　Paris　Exhibition　meself；'　said　Grinder；　when　everyone　had　admired　the　exquisite　workmanship　of　the　clock…case。　　‘I　remember　'avin'　a　look　at　the　moon　through　that　big　telescope。　　I　was　never　so　surprised　in　me　life：　you　can　see　it　quite　plain；　and　it's　round！'

‘Round？'　said　Didlum　with　a　puzzled　look。　　‘Round？　　Of　course　it's　round！　　You　didn't　used　to　think　it　was　square；　did　yer？'

‘No；　of　course　not；　but　I　always　used　to　think　it　was　flat　…　like　a　plate；　but　it's　round　like　a　football。'

‘Certainly：　the　moon　is　a　very　simler　body　to　the　earth；'　explained　Didlum；　describing　an　aerial　circle　with　a　wave　of　his　hand。　　They　moves　through　the　air　together；　but　the　earth　is　always　nearest　to　the　sun　and　consequently　once　a　fortnight　the　shadder　of　the　earth　falls　on　the　moon　and　darkens　it　so　that　it's　invisible　to　the　naked　eye。　The　new　moon　is　caused　by　the　moon　movin'　a　little　bit　out　of　the　earth's　shadder；　and　it　keeps　on　comin'　more　and　more　until　we　gets　the　full　moon；　and　then　it　goes　back　again　into　the　shadder；　and　so　it　keeps　on。'

For　about　a　minute　everyone　looked　very　solemn；　and　the　profound　silence　was　disturbed　only　the　the　crunching　of　the　biscuits　between　the　jaws　of　Mr　Bosher；　and　by　certain　gurglings　in　the　interior　of　that　gentleman。

‘Science　is　a　wonderful　thing；'　said　Mr　Sweater　at　length；　wagging　his　head　gravely；　‘wonderful！'

‘Yes：　but　a　lot　of　it　is　mere　theory；　you　know；'　observed　Rushton。　‘Take　this　idear　that　the　world　is　round；　for　instance；　I　fail　to　see　it！　　And　then　they　say　as　Hawstralia　is　on　the　other　side　of　the　globe；　underneath　our　feet。　In　my　opinion　it's　ridiculous；　because　if　it　was　true；　wot's　to　prevent　the　people　droppin'　orf？'

‘Yes：　well；　of　course　it's　very　strange；'　admitted　Sweater。　　‘I've　often　thought　of　that　myself。　　If　it　was　true；　we　ought　to　be　able　to　walk　on　the　ceiling　of　this　room；　for　instance；　but　of　course　we　know　that's　impossible；　and　I　really　don't　see　that　the　other　is　any　more　reasonable。'

‘I've　often　noticed　flies　walkin'　on　the　ceilin'；'　remarked　Didlum；　who　felt　called　upon　to　defend　the　globular　theory。

‘Yes；　but　they're　different；'　replied　Rushton。　　‘Flies　is　provided　by　nature　with　a　gluey　substance　which　oozes　out　of　their　feet　for　the　purpose　of　enabling　them　to　walk　upside　down。'

‘There's　one　thing　that　seems　to　me　to　finish　that　idear　once　for　all；'　said　Grinder；　‘and　that　is　…　water　always　finds　its　own　level。　You　can't　get　away　from　that；　and　if　the　world　was　round；　as　they　want　us　to　believe；　all　the　water　would　run　off　except　just　a　little　at　the　top。　　To　my　mind；　that　settles　the　whole　argymint。'

‘Another　thing　that　gets　over　me；'　continued　Rushton；　‘is　this：　according　to　science；　the　earth　turns　round　on　its　axle　at　the　rate　of　twenty　miles　a　minit。　　Well；　what　about　when　a　lark　goes　up　in　the　sky　and　stays　there　about　a　quarter　of　an　hour？　　Why；　if　it　was　true　that　the　earth　was　turnin'　round　at　that　rate　all　the　time；　when　the　bird　came　down　it　would　find　itself　'undreds　of　miles　away　from　the　place　where　it　went　up　from！　　But　that　doesn't　'appen　at　all；　the　bird　always　comes　down　in　the　same　spot。'

‘Yes；　and　the　same　thing　applies　to　balloons　and　flyin'　machines；'　said　Grinder。　　‘If　it　was　true　that　the　world　is　spinnin'　round　on　its　axle　so　quick　as　that；　if　a　man　started　out　from　Calais　to　fly　to　Dover；　by　the　time　he　got　to　England　he'd　find　'imself　in　North　America；　or　p'r'aps　farther　off　still。'

‘And　if　it　was　true　that　the　world　goes　round　the　sun　at　the　rate　they　makes　out；　when　a　balloon　went　up；　the　earth　would　run　away　from　it！　They'd　never　be　able　to　get　back　again！'　remarked　Rushton。

This　was　so　obvious　that　nearly　everyone　said　there　was　probably　something　in　it；　and　Didlum　could　think　of　no　reply。　　Mr　Bosher　upon　being　appealed　to　for　his　opinion；　explained　that　science　was　alright　in　its　way；　but　unreliable：　the　things　scientists　said　yesterday　they　contradicted　today；　and　what　they　said　today　they　would　probably　repudiate　tomorrow。　　It　was　necessary　to　be　very　cautious　before　accepting　any　of　their　assertions。

‘Talking　about　science；'　said　Grinder；　as　the　holy　man　relapsed　into　silence　and　started　on　another　biscuit　and　a　fresh　cup　of　tea。　‘Talking　about　science　reminds　me