the ragged trousered philanthropists-第75章

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‘Talking　about　science；'　said　Grinder；　as　the　holy　man　relapsed　into　silence　and　started　on　another　biscuit　and　a　fresh　cup　of　tea。　‘Talking　about　science　reminds　me　of　a　conversation　I　'ad　with　Dr　Weakling　the　other　day。　　You　know；　he　believes　we're　all　descended　from　monkeys。'

Everyone　laughed；　the　thing　was　so　absurd：　the　idea　of　placing　intellectual　beings　on　a　level　with　animals！

‘But　just　wait　till　you　hear　how　nicely　I　flattened　'im　out；'　continued　Grinder。　　‘After　we'd　been　arguin'　a　long　time　about　wot　'e　called　everlution　or　some　sich　name；　and　a　lot　more　tommy…rot　that　I　couldn't　make　no　'ead　or　tail　of　…　and　to　tell　you　the　truth　I　don't　believe　'e　understood　'arf　of　it　'imself　…　I　ses　to　'im；　〃Well；〃　I　ses；　〃if　it's　true　that　we're　hall　descended　from　monkeys；〃　I　ses；　〃I　think　your　famly　must　'ave　left　orf　where　mine　begun。〃'

In　the　midst　of　the　laughter　that　greeted　the　conclusion　of　Grinder's　story　it　was　seen　that　Mr　Bosher　had　become　black　in　the　face。　　He　was　waving　his　arms　and　writhing　about　like　one　in　a　fit；　his　goggle　eyes　bursting　from　their　sockets；　whilst　his　huge　stomach　quivering　spasmodically；　alternately　contracted　and　expanded　as　if　it　were　about　to　explode。

In　the　exuberance　of　his　mirth；　the　unfortunate　disciple　had　swallowed　two　biscuits　at　once。　　Everybody　rushed　to　his　assistance；　Grinder　and　Didlum　seized　an　arm　and　a　shoulder　each　and　forced　his　head　down。　Rushton　punched　him　in　the　back　and　the　ladies　shrieked　with　alarm。　They　gave　him　a　big　drink　of　tea　to　help　to　get　the　biscuits　down；　and　when　he　at　last　succeeded　in　swallowing　them　he　sat　in　the　armchair　with　his　eyes　red…rimmed　and　full　of　tears；　which　ran　down　over　his　white；　flabby　face。

The　arrival　of　the　other　members　of　the　committee　put　an　end　to　the　interesting　discussion；　and　they　shortly　afterwards　proceeded　with　the　business　for　which　the　meeting　had　been　called　…　the　arrangements　for　the　forthcoming　Rummage　Sale。



Chapter　39

The　Brigands　at　Work


The　next　day；　at　the　meeting　of　the　Town　Council；　Mr　Wireman's　report　concerning　the　Electric　Light　Works　was　read。　　The　expert's　opinion　was　so　favourable　…　and　it　was　endorsed　by　the　Borough　Engineer；　Mr　Oyley　Sweater　…　that　a　resolution　was　unanimously　carried　in　favour　of　acquiring　the　Works　for　the　town；　and　a　secret　committee　was　appointed　to　arrange　the　preliminaries。　　Alderman　Sweater　then　suggested　that　a　suitable　honorarium　be　voted　to　Mr　Wireman　for　his　services。　　This　was　greeted　with　a　murmur　of　approval　from　most　of　the　members；　and　Mr　Didlum　rose　with　the　intention　of　proposing　a　resolution　to　that　effect　when　he　was　interrupted　by　Alderman　Grinder；　who　said　he　couldn't　see　no　sense　in　giving　the　man　a　thing　like　that。　　‘Why　not　give　him　a　sum　of　money？'

Several　members　said　‘Hear；　hear；'　to　this；　but　some　of　the　others　laughed。

‘I　can't　see　nothing　to　laugh　at；'　cried　Grinder　angrily。　　‘For　my　part　I　wouldn't　give　you　tuppence　for　all　the　honorariums　in　the　country。　　I　move　that　we　pay　'im　a　sum　of　money。'

‘I'll　second　that；'　said　another　member　of　the　Band　…　one　of　those　who　had　cried　‘Hear；　Hear。'

Alderman　Sweater　said　that　there　seemed　to　be　a　little　misunderstanding　and　explained　that　an　honorarium　WAS　a　sum　of　money。

‘Oh；　well；　in　that　case　I'll　withdraw　my　resolution；'　said　Grinder。　‘I　thought　you　wanted　to　give　'im　a　'luminated　address　or　something　like　that。'

Didlum　now　moved　that　a　letter　of　thanks　and　a　fee　of　fifty　guineas　be　voted　to　Mr　Wireman；　and　this　was　also　unanimously　agreed　to。　　Dr　Weakling　said　that　it　seemed　rather　a　lot；　but　he　did　not　go　so　far　as　to　vote　against　it。

The　next　business　was　the　proposal　that　the　Corporation　should　take　over　the　drain　connecting　Mr　Sweater's　house　with　the　town　main。　　Mr　Sweater　…　being　a　public…spirited　man　…　proposed　to　hand　this　connecting　drain　…　which　ran　through　a　private　road　…　over　to　the　Corporation　to　be　theirs　and　their　successors　for　ever；　on　condition　that　they　would　pay　him　the　cost　of　construction　…　？5　…　and　agreed　to　keep　it　in　proper　repair。　　After　a　brief　discussion　it　was　decided　to　take　over　the　drain　on　the　terms　offered；　and　then　Councillor　Didlum　proposed　a　vote　of　thanks　to　Alderman　Sweater　for　his　generosity　in　the　matter：　this　was　promptly　seconded　by　Councillor　Rushton　and　would　have　been　carried　nem。　con。；　but　for　the　disgraceful　conduct　of　Dr　Weakling；　who　had　the　bad　taste　to　suggest　that　the　amount　was　about　double　what　the　drain　could　possibly　have　cost　to　construct；　that　it　was　of　no　use　to　the　Corporation　at　all；　and　that　they　would　merely　acquire　the　liability　to　keep　it　in　repair。

However；　no　one　took　the　trouble　to　reply　to　Weakling；　and　the　Band　proceeded　to　the　consideration　of　the　next　business；　which　was　Mr　Grinder's　offer　…　on　behalf　of　the　‘Cosy　Corner　Refreshment　Company'　…　to　take　the　Kiosk　on　the　Grand　Parade。　　Mr　Grinder　submitted　a　plan　of　certain　alterations　that　he　would　require　the　Corporation　to　make　at　the　Kiosk；　and；　provided　the　Council　agreed　to　do　this　work　he　was　willing　to　take　a　lease　of　the　place　for　five　years　at　？0　per　year。

Councillor　Didlum　proposed　that　the　offer　of　the　‘Cosy　Corner　Refreshment　Co。　Ltd'　be　accepted　and　the　required　alterations　proceeded　with　at　once。　　The　Kiosk　had　brought　in　no　rent　for　nearly　two　years；　but；　apart　from　that　consideration；　if　they　accepted　this　offer　they　would　be　able　to　set　some　of　the　unemployed　to　work。　（Applause。）

Councillor　Rushton　seconded。

Dr　Weakling　pointed　out　that　as　the　proposed　alterations　would　cost　about　？75　…　according　to　the　estimate　of　the　Borough　Engineer　…　and；　the　rent　being　only　？0　a　year；　it　would　mean　that　the　Council　would　be　？5　out　of　pocket　at　the　end　of　the　five　years；　to　say　nothing　of　the　expense　of　keeping　the　place　in　repair　during　all　that　time。　（Disturbance。）　　He　moved　as　an　amendment　that　the　alterations　be　made；　and　that　they　then　invite　tenders；　and　let　the　place　to　the　highest　bidder。　　（Great　uproar。）

Councillor　Rushton　said　he　was　disgusted　with　the　attitude　taken　up　by　that　man　Weakling。　　（Applause。）　　Perhaps　it　was　hardly　right　to　call　him　a　man。　　（Hear！　Hear！）　　In　the　matter　of　these　alterations　they　had　had　the　use　of　Councillor　Grinder's　brains：　it　was　he　who　first　thought　of　making　these　improvements　in　the　Kiosk；　and　therefore　he　…　or　rather　the　company　he　represented　…　had　a　moral　right　to　the　tenancy。　　（Loud　cheers。）

Dr　Weakling　said　that　he　thought　it　was　understood　that　when　a　man　was　elected　to　that　Council　it　was　because　he　was　supposed　to　be　willing　to　use　his　brains　for　the　benefit　of　his　constituents。　　（Sardonic　laughter。）

The　Mayor　asked　if　there　was　any　seconder　to　Weakling's　amendment；　and　as　there　was　not　the　original　proposition　was　put　and　carried。

Councillor　Rushton　suggested　that　a　large　shelter　with　seating　accommodation　for　about　two　hundred　persons　should　be　erected　on　the　Grand　Parade　near　the　Kiosk。　　The　shelter　would　serve　as　a　protection　against　rain；　or　the　rays　of　the　sun　in　summer。　　It　would　add　materially　to　the　comfort　of　visitors　and　would　be　a　notable　addition　to　the　attractions　of　the　town。

Councillor　Didlum　said　it　was　a　very　good　idear；　and　proposed　that　the　Surveyor　be　instructed　to　get　out　the　plans。

Dr　Weakling　opposed　the　motion。　　（Laughter。）　　It　seemed　to　him　that　the　object　was　to　benefit；　not　the　town；　but　Mr　Grinder。　（Disturbance。）　　If　this　shelter　were　erected；　it　would　increase　the　value　of　the　Kiosk　as　a　refreshment　bar　by　a　hundred　per　cent。　　If　Mr　Grinder　wanted　a　shelter　for　his　customers　he　should　pay　for　it　himself。　　（Uproar。）　　He　（Dr　Weakling）　was　sorry　to　have　to　say　it；　but　he　could　not　help　thinking　that　this　was　a　Put…up　job。　　（Loud　cries　of　‘Withdraw'　‘Apologize'　‘Cast　'im　out'　and　terrific　uproar。）

Weakling　did　not　apologize　or　withdraw；　but　he　said　no　more。　　Didlum's　proposition　was　carried；　and　the　‘hand'　went　on　to　the　next　item　on　the　agenda；　which　was　a　proposal　by　Councillor　Didlum　to　increase　the　salary　of　Mr　Oyley　Sweater；　the　Borough　Engineer；　from　fifteen　pounds　to　seventeen　pounds　per　week。

Councillor　Didlum　said　that　when　they　had　a　good　man　they　ought　to　appreciate　him。　　（Applause。）　　Compared　with　other　officials；　the　Borough　Engineer　was　not　fairly　paid。　　（Hear；　hear。）　　The　magistrates'　clerk　received　seventeen　pounds　a　week。　　The　Town　Clerk　seventeen　pounds　per　week。　　He　did　not　wish　it　to　be　understood　that　he　thought　those　gentlemen　were　overpaid　…　far　from　it。　　（Hear；　hear。）　　It　was　not　that　they　got　too　much　but　that　the　Engineer　got　too　little。　　How　could　they　expect　a　man　like　that　to　exist　on　a　paltry　fifteen　pounds　a　week？　　Why；　it　was　nothing　more　or　less　than　sweating！　　（Hear；　hear。）　　He　had　much　pleasure　in　moving　that　the　Borough　Engineer's　salary　be　increased　to　seventeen　pounds　a　week；　and　that　his　annual　holiday　be　extended　from　a　fortnight　to　one　calendar　month　with　hard　la…　he　begged　pardon　…　with　full　pay。　　（Loud　cheers。）

Councillor　Rushton　said　that　he　did　not　propose　to　make　a　long　speech　…　it　was　not　necessary。　　He　would　content　himself　with　formally　seconding　Councillor　Didlum's　excellent　proposition。　　（Applause。）

Councillor　Weakling；　whose　rising　was　greeted　with　derisive　laughter；　said　he　must　oppose　the　resolution。　　He　wished　it　to　be　understood　that　he　was　not　actuated　by　any　feeling　of　personal　animosity　towards　the　Borough　Engineer；　but　at　the　same　time　he　considered　it　his　duty　to　say　that　in　his　（Dr　Weakling's）　opinion；　that　official　would　be　dear　at　half　the　price　they　were　now　paying　him。　　（Disturbance。）　　He　did　not　appear　to　understand　his　business；　nearly　all　the　work　that　was　done　cost　in　the　end　about　double　what　the　Borough　Engineer　estimated　it　could　be　done　for。　　（Liar。）　　He　considered　him　to　be　a　grossly　incompetent　person　（uproar）　and　was　of　opinion　that　if　they　were　to　advertise　they　could　get　dozens　of　better　men　who　would　be　glad　to　do　the　work　for　five　pounds　a　week。　　He　moved　that　Mr　Oyley　Sweater　be　asked　to　resign　and　that　they　advertise　for　a　man　at　five　pounds　a　week。　　（Great　uproar。）

Councillor　Grinder　rose　to　a　point　of　order。　He　appealed　to　the　Chairman　to　squash　the　amendment。　　（Applause。）

Councillor　Didlum　remarked　that　he　supposed　Councillor　Grinder　meant　‘quash'：　in　that　case；　he　would　support　the　suggestion。

Councillor　Grinder　said　it　was　about　time　they　put　a　stopper　on　that　feller　Weakling。　　He　（Grinder）　did　not　care　whether　they　called　it　squashing　or　quashing；　it　was　all　the　same　so　long　as　they　nipped　him　in　the　bud。　　（Cheers。）　　The　man　was　a　disgrace　to　the　Council；　always　interfering　and　hindering　the　business。

The　Mayor　…　Alderman　Sweater　…　said　that　he　did　not　think　it　consistent　with　the　dignity　of　that　Council　to　waste　any　more　time　over　this　scurrilous　amendment。　　（Applause。）　　He　was　proud　to　say　that　it　had　never　even　been　seconded；　and　therefore　he　would　put　Mr　Didlum's　resolution　…　a　proposition　which　he　had　no　hesitation　in　saying　reflected　the　highest　credit　upon　that　gentleman　and　upon　all　those　who　supported　it。　　（Vociferous　cheers。）

All　those　who　were　in　favour　signified　their　approval　in　the　customary　manner；　and　as　Weakling　was　the　only　one　opposed；　the　resolution　was　carried　and　the　meeting　proceeded　to　the　next　business。

Coun